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TMS outline- Cass Elliott!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Apr 21, 2006.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Or 'Mama Cass' as she's often been referred to, of The Mamas & the Papas fame. For those who don't recognize the group name, they sang such folk rock classics as "Monday, Monday", "California Dreamin'", and "I Saw Her Again Last Night". Cass went on to a solo career on the stage and variety show circuit until her untimely death in 1974 at the age of 31. Contrary to the urban legend that she died choking on a sandwich, she actually succumbed to a heart attack brought on no doubt by her excessive weight. She was 5'4" and for most of her adult life weighed in excess of 300 lbs. But moreover, she was a fine singer, well-liked by those who knew her, and IMO if she had lived longer, I think she would've been near the front of the line to be on TMS. Submitted for your approval:

    "It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Cass Elliott!"


    STYLE: LATE SEASON ONE (circa Twiggy episode)

    FOZZIE: "Early to bed, and early to rise: makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, and keeps him out of the best parties."
    CASS ELLIOTT: in closing # set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Animal, Dr. Teeth, Nigel, Hilda, and George
    GONZO: hits the 'O' with a fish

    OPENING NUMBER: "My Uncle Used to Love Me but She Died"- the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band (in moonlit barnyard set)

    Statler: "This show reminds me of Siberia."

    Waldorf: "Oh, why's that?"

    Statler: "Because I have no desire to see Siberia."

    S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

    BACKSTAGE: Gonzo ponders aloud why he gets no respect.

    Gonzo: "Lately I've been getting the feeling that no one takes me seriously around here."

    Kermit: "Better lately than never."

    Gonzo: "Pardon?"

    Kermit: "Gonzo, your problem I think lies in understanding. Allow me to illustrate: this afternoon, Cass Elliott offered to share her lunch with us. She said to you, 'Chili, Gonzo?' And what did you say in response?"

    Gonzo: "I said, 'actually it's a little warm in here'."

    Kermit (aside, to camera): "The prosecution rests."

    (He exits to the stage; Gonzo realizes what he said and does a double-take.)

    SONG: "Dream a Little Dream of Me"- Cass does a song and dance with a tuxedo-clad Thog at a posh outdoor nightclub, backed by the Muppet orchestra (Rowlf, Floyd, Janice on acoustic guitar, Zoot, Animal, and Trumpet Lady) and flanked by the full-body dancers (from the Charles Aznavour episode)

    Waldorf: "Ah, Cass Elliott sings like a dream."
    Statler: "Hmm, good thing- this show plays like a nightmare!"
    (S & W laugh.)

    BACKSTAGE: Gonzo talks to Kermit.

    Kermit: "Gonzo, whatever your aim, I think you should be aware that audiences don't get your acts."

    Gonzo: "What's to get? It's culture."

    Kermit: "Well the broad definition of culture usually includes art forms such as opera, ballet, and classical music."

    Gonzo: Well sure, for the lowbrow set!"

    THE HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)

    House #2: "My cousin is divided right down the middle these days."

    House #1: "He's a split personality?"

    House #2: "No, a duplex." (Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)

    SKETCH: Cass plays a teenager babysitting a rambunctious baby monster (the purple monster, Miss Kitty in the Juliet Prowse episode)

    Cass (singing): "Hush little baby, don't say a word- Did you just eat the family bird?"

    The monster belches and feathers come out of his mouth. She settles him down (or rather, bewilders him) with her sassy rendition of "Do Nothin' Till You Hear From Me".

    AT THE DANCE: Open on a shot of Rowlf & Sexy Muppet. Cut to George & Mildred.

    Mildred: "George, do you see a future for our relationship?"

    George: "I think we'll be seeing the minister before long."

    Mildred: "GASP! You mean you and I will have a wedding soon?"

    George: "No, our funerals."

    (Cut to Statler & Waldorf)

    Statler: "Ah, this is living! Not having to watch The Muppet Show, a nice quiet fox trot- what could be better?"

    (Waldorf looks over Statler's shoulder)

    Waldorf: "A more appealing dance partner?"

    (Statler glares at the camera. Cut to a Whatnot couple.)

    Woman: "What did you say your name was?"

    Man: "Gladys."

    Woman: "My, that's a rather odd name for a man."

    Man: "That's what my wife Bill tells me."

    (Cut to Rowlf & Sexy Muppet.)

    Sexy Muppet: "How do you like me in this color?"

    Rowlf: "It all looks the same to me."

    Sexy Muppet: "Are you saying I have no fashion sense?"

    Rowlf: "No, I'm saying dogs are color-blind."

    Sexy Muppet: "Oh."

    (Cut to Svengali and Taminella.)

    Svengali: "I must confess, Tammy, you've put quite a spell on me."

    Taminella: "I know, and if you're good, maybe I'll reverse it."

    (They turn around, revealing that Svengali is sporting a long bushy tail. Coda, fade out.)

    UK SPOT: "Lazy River"- sung by Floyd, accompanied by Dr. Teeth, Zoot and Janice ("Lazybones"/"Ain't Misbehavin" set)

    TALK SPOT: Cass sits with Kermit.

    Kermit: "Cass, it's a real pleasure to have you with us."

    Cass: "Thank you, Kermit. I'm having a great time."

    Kermit: "And I loved your number with Thog."

    Cass: "I enjoyed that too, although people keep mistaking me and Thog for one another backstage." (Kermit chuckles.) "I tell 'em I'm the one with the tattoo so they'll know the difference."

    Kermit: "Ha, that's very good. But how do you know he doesn't have one? I mean, who knows under all that fur." (Cass nods.)

    Cass: "He's a sweetheart though, all the Muppets have been just great- Fozzie, Rowlf, Scooter, Gonzo, Dr. Teeth and the band. That reminds me, I have yet to meet Miss Piggy, I'm a big fan of hers."

    Kermit: "Oh really?"

    Cass: "Oh yeah. Us big girls gotta stick together."

    Kermit: "Piggy would be the first to tell you that she has no idea what you're talking about."

    Cass: "Who'd be the second?"

    Kermit: "No one." (Cass laughs. Piggy enters.)

    Piggy: "Excusez-mois, Cass."

    Cass: "Hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you."

    Piggy: "Oh! Were you now?"

    Cass: "Yes, I was saying how much I admire you."

    Kermit: "Yea, and how big girls have to stick together."

    Piggy: "What?"

    Kermit (to Cass): "What'd I tell you?"

    Cass: "Absolutely. You're quite a role model- bold and beautiful and over a size 6."

    Piggy: "Well, I'm a size..." (She notices Kermit listening with anticipation.) "Uh, don't you have somewhere to be, Kermit?"

    Kermit: "No, this is one of my spots."

    Piggy: "Oh. Well, a woman never reveals her weight or age."

    Kermit: "-Yes, especially when you're working with exponentials." (Kermit chuckles. Piggy approaches.)

    Piggy: "Here's an equation for you. Three minus one. HI-YAH!" (She chops him and exits. Kermit staggers back up on the seat.)

    Cass: "You know, you're actually lucky- she could've done long division." (She chuckles.)

    (Waldorf is examining his hand.)

    Waldorf: "That look like a mole or a freckle?"

    (Statler looks. They look at each other.)

    Statler: "Don't know."

    (They go back to looking at Waldorf's hand.)

    Statler: "I'll say this for it- it's more interesting than the show!"

    S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

    BACKSTAGE: Gonzo gets opinions on his performance art from Fozzie, Scooter... and Animal!

    MUPPET NEWS- The Newsman rushes in.

    Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Chattanooga. Betsy Boomer (Cass), a poultry farmer, received a most unusual surprise yesterday morning when her pet duck, Laramore, laid a golden egg. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we'll speak to Miss Boomer about this astonishing development.

    (Betsy- Cass- appears on the small screen.)

    Betsy: "Well I woke up yesterday morning to feed the hens and ducks, same as always, and lo and behold, when I get to Laramore's pen, there it is, a solid gold egg, just sitting there!"

    Newsman: "Can you describe what you were thinking at that moment?"

    Betsy: "It was the weirdest feeling in the world. All this time I thought Laramore was a boy duck!"

    THE GREAT GONZO: Gonzo stands at the top of a magnanimously tall ladder on the stage.

    Gonzo: "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will perform the high-dive while playing Chopin's "Minute Waltz" on the trumpet!"

    (Drumroll. Sweetums and Thog push in the water tank. Gonzo clears his throat.)

    Gonzo: "Tuning up."

    (Gonzo blows the starting note.)

    Gonzo: "All right, silence!"

    (The drumroll starts. Gonzo begins playing, then jumps. He lands in the water before even making it through the intro. Sweetums and Thog look on, agape, as Gonzo struggles up from the water, still playing, to the lip of the tank. He faints back into the water, the trumpet note descending with him. Audience boos.)

    Statler: "Well, it's just as I thought- he's all washed up."

    (S & W laugh.)

    BACKSTAGE: Cass comforts Gonzo, breaking into song. Dissolve to:

    CLOSING NUMBER: "Make Your Own Kind of Music"- Cass and the Electric Mayhem (in a set like the Mary Roos # but w/upright piano and straight-on camera angle), joined by the Muppets (Fozzie, Rowlf, Scooter, Kermit, Piggy, Hilda, and George) all sing to Gonzo (who joins in).

    CURTAIN: APPLAUSE. Kermit stands.

    Kermit: "Well, that about puts the lid on it for this week. We'd like to thank our special guest star Miss Cass Elliott!"

    (Cass enters to applause and cheers.)

    Cass: "Thank you Kermit, I had a great time! And I want you to know I enjoyed Gonzo's high-diving act."

    (Gonzo rushes in with a 'whoosh' sound effect.)

    Gonzo: "Really?"

    Cass: "Yeah, I thought you made quite a splash!"

    (Kermit guffaws. Gonzo scratches his head, confused.)

    Kermit: "Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

    (Cass, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, George & Hilda gather around.)

    Statler: “Watching this show is like pulling teeth.”

    (Waldorf reaches over with pliers and goes to work; Statler screams.)

    Waldorf: “You’re right.”

    (He chuckles softly while Statler struggles.)

    Comments encouraged.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. Bill Bubble Guy

    Bill Bubble Guy Active Member

    I love Waldorf sadistically torturing poor Statler at the end. Also Gonzo hitting the O with a fish. Seems believable enough as the sort of silly Muppet-style humour they used to use on the show.
    And I thought your houses joke was clever. I thought the ones in my two outlines were well- thought of. But your split personality/duplex gag really blew me away.:) :cool:

    I'm sure if I go back over it again I'll find even more parts of it I could say I liked.

    Congratulations once again Dave. This must be your second woman guest star fan fic isn't it?

    Bill "Marty" Bubble Guy
  3. Bill Bubble Guy

    Bill Bubble Guy Active Member

    Is this supposed to imply rather darkly that Waldorf liked the show in this outline, since it is clearly obvious that he's enjoying the pain he's inflicting on Statler;)

    BTW Dave I also loved Cass's appearances in the Muppet Newsflash and the sketch where she baby-sat that little monster.:D
  4. Another great TMS outline, Dave! Three cheers for you! Good acts and the inclusion of Taminella was great too.

    Who performed the following characters:

    -the Jugband
    -Miss Kitty

    And do any other couples appear in the background in "At the Dance"?
  5. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    Jugband Members:

    Paul: Dave Goelz
    Girl: Eren Ozker
    Pink Whatnot: Jerry Nelson
    Green Whatnot: Frank Oz
    Blue Whatnot: Jim Henson

    Miss Kitty: John Lovelady
    Svengali: Jerry Nelson
    Taminella: Dave Goelz

    Beautiful Day Monster with red-haired Muppet woman with pink sweater and Zelda Rose with Boppity.
  6. Also, who performed the two whatnots in "At the Dance"?
  7. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    -the Jugband: Frank (green), Jim (blue), Jerry (pink), Eren (girl), gray on (Pa) doesn't speak
    -Miss Kitty: Frank
    -Taminella: Jerry Juhl (voice-over)
    -Svengali: Jerry Nelson
    -Whatnots: John

    The pigs.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  8. Princeton

    Princeton Guest

    Well, gosh, Dave, I was beginning to think you forgot about us!;) The whole thing was great! And, as always (to heighten my anticipation), who will your next outline feature?
  9. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    Are you still working on outlines with Leon Redbone and John Ritter?
  10. How about adding Miss Kitty to the goodnights?

    Besides, he never appeared in the goodnights in actual episodes anyway.
  11. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Another time, I promise.

    They've once again taken a backseat to some other outlines I'm more interested in completing at the present time (see below).

    Right now I'm working on four Season Four style outlines, oddly enough all featuring male recording artists. There's one in particular that I'm the most jazzed up about and most look forward to finishing, one of my favorite recording artists and one I grew up listening to besides. I'll give you a hint:

    "The leader of the band is tired
    And is eyes are growin' old,
    But his blood runs through my instrument,
    And his song is in my soul..."

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  12. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    Gorgon, when are you going to make future TMS outlines that contain "Guest Star Gags" (Season 1 Only), non-musical UK Spots, Season 1 Muppet News sketches without guest stars, and Panel Discussion spots where guest stars play themselves?
  13. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Well, for starters, I don't really do non-musical UK Spots. There weren't that many of them, and in truth I REALLY prefer the ones that were musical. For the most part, I don't care for non-musical UK Spots. So the answer to that part of your question is probably never.

    I've thought about doing "Guest Star Gags" but usually I have something else in mind for the outline that's more interesting. I may yet do one, I've got a few Season One outlines in the works.

    I did do Panel Discussion in which Burl Ives played himself. In my upcoming Abe Burrows outline (whenever I finish it, don't hold me to a date), I may do another such Panel Discussion in which Abe plays himself. Still debating, as I may do a Talk Spot instead seeing as Abe was the sort of person who was perhaps most heavily featured in the talk format. Still working the whole thing out.

    As for Season One Muppet News sketches without guest stars, haven't thought about it, don't know the answer at present. I suppose I could do one in the aforementioned Abe Burrows outline.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  14. ReneeLouvier

    ReneeLouvier Active Member


    I honestly felt like I was watching this for real for a moment there. I mean, give the dialogue, and you'd honestly have a real working Muppet Show!!! This is postively amazing!! I need to read your other outlines too.
  15. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    What season does the Abe Burrows outline take place at...Season 1?
  16. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    That's the plan, Fan.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  17. Leyla

    Leyla Member

    I once spent a fair chunk of time just reading through all your fan fiction, and I really enjoyed them. You're a great writer, and it's nice to know you're still out there! Also, Gorgon Heap is fun and I like your avatar.

  18. Bill Bubble Guy

    Bill Bubble Guy Active Member

    Yes Dave Gorgon Heap is fun. I wish he'd been given just as big a starring role in TMS season one as Big Mean Carl had in MT.

    And yes I think of all the outline fan fics I think you are definitely the best. In fact it was really you who most inspired me to write my own and I hope one day I'll have many like you in friendly competition.
  19. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I just found the exact post where Philip Kippel suggested that I use Taminella & Svengali in an "At the Dance" sketch (in the thread for my TMS Ed Wynn script). Thanks again, Philip!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  20. GuySmileyfan

    GuySmileyfan Active Member

    Funny. Cass Elliot makes an appearance on one the Scooby Doo series.

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