The corny joke thread

[Ilikemuppets]

"What's small, round, bouncy, and fun to play with? Well, it's NOT Danny DeVito..."

That so true!

 

[abiraniriba]

Hmm, small, round, bouncy, fun to play with. I can think of three things that fit that description. One is my son Johnathan and the other two I can't print in this thread.

anyway, here's something a little cleaner:

Seems there was this bus accident in which all the passengers died. All the human passengers, that is. The one survivor was a monkey. The police figured out that they could commuinicate with the monkey and that he could talk back through gestures, so they decided to question him and find out just what happened.

"So what were the people doing on the bus."

Monkey makes gestures with his hands of people talking

"Okay they were talking, what else."

Monkey gestures people eating and drinking

"Oh so there was a party on board. Well if everybody was having so much fun who wasv driving the bus?"

Monkey makes gestures with hands as if turning a wheel.

 

[Ilikemuppets]

What I want to know is who let the monkey drive the bus in the first place?

 

[abiraniriba]

I don't know

I don't know who let the monkey drive the bus, but I think my brothers and sisters in Christ out there will get a laugh from this one

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

 

[Beakerfan]

Oh-ho-ho my gosh! That was hilarious Abiraniriba!

 

[Ilikemuppets]

Wow! Now that were some kind of joke!

 

[D'Snowth]

Back in the 1980s, which were troubling times enough for some people, there was a little man, with no arms, looking through the Want-Ads section in the newspaper (he had to stand, and read it on the table since he had no arms, you see). So he's looking for a job, and he sees one ad that says "Wanted: Bell Ringer", this was at a Catholic Church, so the little man walks all the way over to the Church, which is like 40 miles away, in the middle of summer, so it's no picnic; he makes to the big front doors of the Church, and he bangs his head against them since that was the only way he could knock. The Priest comes to the door...

"Yes, my son, how may I help you?"

"Father, I'm here to ring your bell!"

"Oh?"

The Priest then examines the man, and see he has no arms.

"But my son, you have no arms..."

"Doesn't matter, I can still ring your bell!"

"Well, I'll tell you what, my son, come with me, up to the bell tower, and if you can prove to me that you can ring the bell, then the job is your's".

So the little man follows the Priest up to the bell tower, which is like four stories up, and they have to take the stairs because the Church didn't have elevators back in the days, and staircase was one of those spiral ones, so by the time you get up to the third floor, you're ready to puke. So they finally make it up to the bell tower.

"Well, go ahead, my son, ring the bell".

So the little man examined the bell, then he backed up into a corner of the tower, positioned himself, then when he ran towards the bell and banged it with his head really hard, which made both the bell AND his head ring. The Priest was satisfied, and the little man got the job; after three years, the little man's face is all smashed up, and looks like three days of bad weather, but what the heck does he care? He's making good money ringing the bell. Well, one Wednesday afternoon, the Church was getting ready for the Wednesday evening service, the little man positioned himself in the corner, and ran towards the bell... but something happened - he missed a step, and tripped. He fell right past the bell, out the window, and four stories down, right on the concrete sidewalk! His blood and guts were splattered all over the sidewalk, and there's a small crowd of people gathering around, one man even kneels down next to him, and cradles his head; meanwhile this one fat lady manages to work her way up to the front of the crowd, where she starts asking questions.

"Who is that man? Who is he? Who is he?"

She kept asking, so the man cradling the little looks up at her and says...

"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell..."

 

[Skye]

Lol, good one, Snowthers!

 

[Beakerfan]

Oh maaaan..... I was not expecting that!

 

[Ilikemuppets]

Ha! That was pretty corny, but funny! Now that it some serious joke telling!