A little friendship advice?

[redBoobergurl]

Hi all. I don't do this very often, but I'm really conflicted over something right now and thought I'd turn to my Muppet family who I LOVE so much for a little advice. Mind you, what I'm about to say is going to sound extremely petty of me and maybe a little whiny, so I was hesitant to even do this, but I just really want some opinions.

Ok, so I have this best friend who I've known almost my whole life. We've been friends since about 3rd grade, but got really close after high school and through college, even though we went to separate colleges, we go to the same church. Anyway, we've gotten so close that we go beyond friendship, calling each other psuedo sisters (she has 5 of her own, but I have none so that's where it came from). She was my maid of honor in my wedding, she's the first person I call when I'm having a bad day, she's just that one friend I am the most connected with. So that's our history.

Up until June, we both worked at our church but then each took different jobs because we were fed up with the way things were going there. Throughout the summer we still got together plenty often either just the two of us or with my husband and her fiance who also get along quite well. Now that it's fall we really only see each other once a week at church choir practice and at masses we sing at. Towards August things started changing. She's made friends with a huge group of people at her work and has started hanging out with them quite a bit, particularly this one girl. Now, I'm not going to say, oh my god she's made new friends that aren't me. But the problem is that she's kind of with them all the time and it seems I don't fit in her life anymore. The biggest problem is with the one friend she made. If they're not at work together or hanging out, then this friend is text messaging her constantly. I should also mention that this friend of hers is married, so you'd think she'd spend some time with her husband. The last straw was this last weekend we went on our All Girl getaway and her friend kept messaging her constantly interrupting our time together! I guess I just thought it was kind of rude.

Ok, so my issue is as follows: A. I feel like this new friend is taking my place, B. I feel like my friend is changing under the influence of her new friend, C. I don't know how to talk to her about it or if I should. I don't want to come off as some whiny brat who wants her all to myself. That's not it at all. So, it's hard to know what to do. So, that's why I'm asking for advice. Thanks for reading, hopefully I'm not sounding too selfish or something, but please tell me if I should just let it go because maybe that's what I need to do too. Thanks guys, love you all.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Well Beth. I don't know what to say. I am not a trained counsellor, but at least I can promise to say a prayer for you. I hope somebody else can help you.

It just crossed my mind to suggest this. Have you considered talking about it to a priest in reconciliation? My sponsor for RCIA explained to me a couple of years ago that you don't necessarily have to have sins to confess when you go to reconciliation. You may simply be upset about a personal problem you want to talk about knowing that whatever you say the priest is strictly bound to confidentiality and he will help you as best you can.

I've done such times of reconciliation, and it's done me a lot of good to speak my worries to a trusted priest.

 

[CensoredAlso]

Personally, I think it's usually best to discuss your concerns with friends in a respectful manner. If you don't say anything, the issue is unlikely to go away.

But of course I don't know much about your situation, so I agree, it's a good idea to ask advice from someone you can trust.

 

[theprawncracker]

Hmm, that's a tough situation to be in Beth. I think you should try talking to your friend, perhaps sit down with her at lunch or something and just talk about your long friendship and find out how she feels about the other friend. Or maybe even try inviting her friend to a movie or outing and see if you two hit it off as well. Just a little psuedo wisdom from me!

 

[Zoot The Saxman]

In all Honesty, from what i read.......It does sound like your a little jealous. Maybe stems from feeling like you have been replaced. As you say you and her have been close for years....Third grade....Thats a long time. And Naturally you could feel threatened. That's normal. However, you should realize that even some of the best of friendships drift or even fade down to small happy memories. People grow older, responsibilties change, people change. You did say she is engaged, Well......If it wasnt this new girl that stepped in and changed her, dont you think it would have changed anyway after she was married? I don't think what your feeling is wrong, and its not petty either. Its your feelings. Why not invite your best friend AND the new girl out one night? She what shes all about.....Then if you feel like the third wheel out, I would say to your friend exactly whats on your mind. If yous guys been together as friends that long. And You know each other that well, I am Sure she'll understand. But keep in mind....Should the friendship dwindle down to nothing.....Maybe your friends chapter in your life is over, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Her season and reason is over, and maybe YOU yourself need to find the next one. I hope that helped.

 

[Ilikemuppets]

Hay beth, If you wnat, you could do the old tride and true and tell her how you feel or you could tell her what she means to you. BUt I think that giving it some time may be the best cure because sense she's your best friend, I'm sure she wouldn't ever mean for anyone to take your place. Maybe the best thing to do is to try be happy for her and understand her instead of having feeling out of place about it. Just my two cents.

 

[Vic Romano]

Beth, you're one of the people I've met on this forum that I really consider a friend, so I really feel for you. I just went through somethin' simillar only with worse results. One of my closest friends of almost twenty years met, fell in love with, and got engaged to a girl. I was thrilled for him and we (my wife and I) openly and warmly accepted her and their new relationship. We gradually saw less and less of him, but that was expected because he needed to spend time with his new girl. Soon however, we started hearing rumors in our church that she was saying we were mean and cold to her. We went out of our way to talk with both of them to resolve the issue, only to be yelled at and accused of being mean and hurtful. We were flabbergasted and asked for forgiveness for whatever it was we did, the only problem was that they couldn't name a single instance. We eventually found out that she is mentally disturbed and extremely jealous and convinced my friend we didn't like them or them being together and I've been heartbroken ever since. Moving away helped ease that pain, but I can tell you with all my heart that people, no matter how long or how well you know them, can and in fact do change.

Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but almost always different, not bad or good, just change because that's life. Like Zoot the Saxman said, friends since third grade is a long time, and eventually, whether we like it or not, people just grow apart through no fault of their own. It's sad, but it is healthy. However, if she is your friend of so long, it's only fair to her that you openly discuss how you feel with her, get her side of things, maybe she feels you're the one who's changed. The important thing is that you share with your "sister" and she shares too. Maybe there's just a misunderstanding and maybe life is just changing for both of you. Either way, I really know how you feel on some level and I'm so sorry. This sort of thing at this stage is never pleasant. (((HUGS)))

 

[redBoobergurl]

Thanks everyone. Some helpful advice for sure. Just as an FYI, I have met the other friend and I didn't get the warm fuzzies from her. I don't think she likes me so that makes it hard too.

Anyway, I think I'm going to give it some time and if it doesn't get better I'll talk to her about it. I guess I should be thankful she hasn't shut me out of her life completely yet.

So, thanks again everyone, if nothing else sometimes it just helps to write it all out. I'll let you all know how things go.

 

[Ilikemuppets]

If she hasn't completely shut you out then it's not to late. Another good thing to do is let her know you are their for her no matter what. I couldn't say, but if you didn't get the warm fuxxies from meeting her, Eithre she jelous of you being her old friend, maybe somethimg happend to upset you friend and she's got a problem with it.or your friend feels thet if you cant accept your friend or their relationship, then she feels like maybe you're not being a good friend. Or maybe sense you got married, she feel a little betrayed. It couls be anything. Sorry to assume thing about you bisness and for maybe confusing you. But whatever it is, I hope it gets solved and I with you and your friend the best of luck. And have a nice day.

 

[Ziffel]

Hi Beth,

I would agree it's a good idea to talk to her about it in a gentle, respectful way (you're such a caring, kind person [as she being a lieflong friend of yours would know] so that should be easy for you to do ). I would stress how much you care about her and that you just want to make sure everything is okay in your relationship. Maybe also ask if you can give her a hug before and/or after.
I tell ya, I sure know all about that feeling of possibly being replaced or that a friend enjoys someone else's company more. Of course, I am very sensitive. Even way back when I was a little child, I much better liked it when it was just ONE other boy over the house playing. Cuz if it was two or more, I'd often feel jealous or concerned that my best friend was focusing more attention on other kids. Even today, like at work for instance, I enjoy it more when just ONE co-worker is at the table eating lunch with me. Cuz when another person(s) joins the conversation, I often feel like the person then focuses more on the others. Again, at least part of it is due to my sensitiveness and inferiority sturggle. But it sounds in your case like this is all legitimate concerns of what is going on with your good friend and her new friend. In any case, I can still relate to how you feel.
Congrats again, on your marriage earlier this year. I'm sure your hubby can (and has) give you good guidance on this thing. As well as God Himself. We are so blessed that He encourages us to bring EVERYTHING that concerns us to Him (Phil. 4:6,7; 1 Peter 5:7).