Whoop-dee-doodly-doo, here I am with another chapter. This one is not recommended for diabetics.
Muppets from Earth
Part 13: Short and Sweet
*****
It was the evening of a long day for the Muppets. They had been in the theater since early that morning, making final preparations for the show that would open the next day. By now they were all sick and tired of rehearsals, scenery preparation, last-minute blocking tweaks, and all the other minutia involved in putting on a show. By now the acts were as ready as they would ever be.
Now most of the Muppets were in the audience. It felt strange sit in the squeaky seats, facing the stage rather than running about backstage or preparing in cluttered dressing rooms. Kermit the Frog looked around the theater house. The lights were up, and he could see every bit of the restored detail work. When you could see it clearly, without the usual half-darkness to lend it a kind of grandeur, the theater house looked kind of corny and vaudevillian. But that was fine; it was appropriate for their show.
The Muppets were dressed in various costumes, according to what was in the Wardrobe department in their sizes. Some wore black dress tuxedos. More wore maroon tuxes. The women wore dresses of varying types, from formal to Las Vegas showgirl to period costumes. The dress code had been specified as "whatever."
A bespectacled Monster wearing a formal suit stepped out in front of the closed curtains and took his place behind a microphone. He glanced to the back of the theater house, then nodded to Nigel, the conductor. Nigel raised his baton. The orchestra for the night—Lips on Trumpet, Animal on drums, Zoot on saxophone, Dr. Teeth on his electric keyboards (which, for the evening, had been swapped for Rowlf's piano), Janice on lead guitar, and Floyd on bass guitar and any other string instruments—began playing a stately march. It was not the usual music, Wagner's Bridal Chorus, but it sounded vaguely familiar. Rowlf stifled a laugh. Being a musician, he recognized the melody despite the drastic alterations in tempo and orchestration.
Gonzo and Camilla walked up the two side aisles, their steps in time with each other and the music. They were alone; with the show's rehearsals there had simply been no time to devote to more elaborate choreography. At least, so the joke had gone, Wardrobe would not be able to inflict horrible dresses on any bridesmaids. Gonzo was wearing a black tails coat, a holdover from a magic act years ago, sans neverending handkerchief and other such paraphernalia. He did, however, have a chili pepper bowtie and cummerbund. He had his standards, after all. Camilla wore a white veil, matching her feathers.
They met and joined hands in the middle, in front of the Monster, who began the usual speech about the sanctity of marriage. Kermit, sitting in the front row, was mildly surprised by the gravity of the ceremony thus far. He would have expected Gonzo to do something showy, like launch himself out of a cannon toward the stage. Well, on second thought maybe not. Skewed as he was, Gonzo did take some things very seriously, and after all that be had gone through to get this far this would be one of them.
Kermit's nephew Robin sat on one of the armrests. Kermit glanced down at him. The little frog, wearing a necktie wider than his body, watched with great interest. He'd been to frog weddings before. They were generally a lot bouncier.
Miss Piggy sat on Kermit's other side. She had been practicing her song all day. When she wasn't going through it on stage, she had been singing in her dressing room. It was a wonder she had any voice left, Kermit thought.
On Robin's other side sat three hens in two seats. One sat in Camilla's nest box, keeping her egg warm. None of the chickens, Camilla included, had considered leaving it back home.
The Monster finished his speech, which was mercifully short, then said, "If anyone knows any reason why this man and this woman should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." Gonzo turned toward the audience and glanced around archly; they had already silenced the objectors in court.
When nobody spoke, the Monster turned the microphone toward Gonzo and Camilla. The couple faced each other, and Gonzo took Camilla's wings in his hands. In a soft, clear voice he said, "Camilla, from the day I met you, you've brought light and beauty into my life. Your love warms me like a mother hen's feathers. I promise to love you, honor you, and be faithful to you for the rest of my life. With this kiss, I thee wed." He leaned forward and lightly air-kissed her wattle.
Kermit heard a soft sound beside himself, and glanced over at Miss Piggy. Then he quietly took a handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to her. She accepted, embarrassed at getting emotional over the blue weirdo's wedding, and dabbed at her eyes.
Camilla clucked to Gonzo, then glanced down at the audience. A stiff baritone voice said, "Gonzo, you have brought joy and adventure into my life. Your love is like sunlight to me." After a pause, while the audience tittered at Sam the Eagle's deadpan delivery, Camilla clucked some more. Sam said, "I promise to cherish you through happy times and sad, in sickness and in health, not to mention work-related injuries." This time there was laughter, and Gonzo grinned widely. "With this kiss, I thee wed." Before Sam finished his translation Camilla touched her beak to Gonzo's cheek.
The Monster said to them both, "By the power vested in me by this state, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss." Gonzo knelt to put him on eye level with Camilla, raised the veil from her face, and gave her a very sincere, thorough, and obviously well-rehearsed kiss.
When they finished Gonzo turned to audience and called out, "Okay, that's the formalities out of the way. C'mon, let's dance!" The curtains opened, revealing a ballroom set. The band began playing the same music used as the processional, but at its original bouncy tempo. There was more laughter as they recognized Sousa's
The Liberty Bell. Gonzo had slipped in a joke after all, Kermit realized. As Gonzo and Camilla beckoned, the rest of the Muppets began filing up the ramps to the stage.
The music was cut short at the predictable moment by a saxophone blat, and the band began playing
Always On My Mind—a little more energetically than the original; the Electric Mayhem knew how to liven up a song. Some Muppets paired off to dance while others gave their attention to the food set out on tables at the side. It had been a long day, after all. As the Swedish Chef did not have a segment in the first show, he had put his time to other use. The results, as always, were hit and miss—but that seemed only appropriate for the wedding of The Great Gonzo, who was also known to hit and miss, mostly walls.
Fozzie was hanging back, watching the dancers, when Mildred came up to him. "I don't think I've ever seen you dance."
"I don't think I ever have, either," he replied.
She held a hand out to her. Startled, he said,
"Me? I'm watching Robin."
"I'm fine! I'm a big frog now," Robin piped up indignantly from his perch on the table, where he risked being mistaken for an hors d'oeuvre.
Fozzie protested, "But I have two left feet."
"Then we'll dance counterclockwise," Mildred answered, and took his hand.
Unable to refuse, Fozzie let her lead him onto the dance floor. Others glancing over saw her leading the nervous bear in some simple steps. Rowlf, dancing with Foo Foo, told them as they passed by, "Hey, Foz, grin and—oh, you know."
"Ha ha. Is that a foxtrot or a dogtrot?" the bear replied.
Kermit said, "Considering whose wedding this is, I'm surprised we're not doing the turkey trot."
Soon others were chiming in with their own remarks. Somehow, the dance setting just seemed to demand terrible jokes. As always, the Muppets were ready to rise to the occasion.
*
After several more songs Gonzo asked Miss Piggy and Kermit, "May I cut in?"
If this were the show, that would be the cue for Kermit to start dancing with Gonzo. Miss Piggy wished that were the case. But Gonzo held out a hand to her, an earnest expression on his face. She would not turn him down, not tonight. She took his hand. Kermit whispered two words into Gonzo's ear—Gonzo nodded—and then held a hand out to Camilla. She accepted.
As Janice began singing
I Get By With A Little Help from My Friends Gonzo said softly, "Miss Piggy, I know we never hit it off. I guess we were always too different. You were a big star from the beginning, and I, well, you know."
This could be heading nowhere good, she thought. To head him off she said, "But it all turned out for the best, don't you think? You have a beautiful wife, and soon you'll have a family."
"Yeah," he said with a warm smile. "And it's because of you, Miss Piggy. Even though I'm not your favorite person, you helped me, and it made all the difference. If you hadn't put your lawyers on this case, Camilla and I couldn't have gotten married."
"Oh. Well, that," she said, and shrugged and tried to laugh. "It was no big deal."
"Still—you gave us a hand when we needed it most, just because," he said softly. "Some of the kindest things are done 'just because.' I don't know what to say except... thank you."
"That's enough," she said, and drew him close. It was not really a slow-dance kind of song, but she did not want him to see her face. He said nothing else; he could feel her tension. He continued dancing while she regained her composure.
*
At the end of the song Miss Piggy was once again cheerful, and remarked on how surprised she was that he was a good dancer. He took the backhanded compliment with grace. He could have guessed the secret to dancing with her even if Kermit had not tipped him off: dance backwards.
The Electric Mayhem left their instruments in the orchestra pit and came onto the stage. The music would be prerecorded from here on. Gonzo found Camilla by his side, and said to Miss Piggy, "Thanks for the dance."
She released him, saying, "It was nothing. Ta ta."
Camilla clucked to him. He replied, "It went pretty well, actually." They heard the opening notes of the first song in the queue—a tango—and grinned at each other. He held out a hand to her, and she snapped dramatically into his arms as the violins swelled. The singer began to croon,
"I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
You can raise welts like nobody else
As we dance to the Masochism Tango."
The lyrics brought startled laughter from those who were paying attention. Some continued dancing, others stood by to watch. It was always fun to watch tango dancers, if they really got into it, and Gonzo and Camilla did. It was clear that they had rehearsed this number; they incorporated elements from the lyrics too smoothly for it to be ad-libbed. When they struck a pose at the end—Camilla planting a foot on the back of Gonzo, who had supposedly been beaten into submission and loved every moment of it—the others applauded. Gonzo got up, and Kermit said, "You two planned that."
"Well, of course," Gonzo replied, grinning. "Actually, we worked that up years ago just for fun. We knew it'd never make it on the show, heh heh, but we always wanted to do it on the stage anyway. So..."
"Yeah," Kermit said, grinning back.
Gonzo and Camilla went down one of the ramps into the audience. One of the hens, Bernice, was still in the front row, sitting on Camilla's nest. She hopped off, and Camilla checked the egg—still no breaks in the shell—and then took her place.
Gonzo sat in the chair beside her. "Whew. That wore me out," he told her.
She clucked back,
I'm tired too. I can't believe that it's over!
"Nah, it's not over," he replied, and sang softly, "Now it begins, now it starts. One hand, one heart..."
She smiled and laid her wing over his hand. He said, "But, yeah... wow. I'm glad we made it before the egg hatched after all."
She asked,
Would it matter so much if we didn't?
"Nah, not really." He paused, then continued, "But it's great that we did anyway."
The two sat together for a while, content just to be together and watch the fun.
*
When the celebration was over the cast changed back into their street clothes, tidied the theater—which did not take long; they had avoided making any mess because of the show the next day—and went out the alley exit, where Gonzo and Camilla were ambushed and pelted with birdseed in lieu of rice. After the skirmish everyone piled into the Electric Mayhem's bus, and they drove back to the boarding house, followed by the rattle of clanking cans tied to the back bumper.
Back at the boarding house, many of the Muppets went into the back yard to hang out in the Jacuzzi and unwind from the day's activities. Gonzo carried Camilla's nest box back up to the balcony and set it in place. She fluffed her feathers and shook herself. Birdseed ricocheted off the walls and pattered onto the floor.
Gonzo smiled ruefully. "That stuff's gotten into my clothes and fur too. Why don't I change, and then we see what we can do about it?"
She clucked agreement as she sat on her nest. He went into his room and took off his sweater-vest—birdseed fell onto the floor; the place was going to need vacuuming—and then stopped. Rizzo's hammock was missing. Gonzo looked around. Rizzo's other belongings, and the various rodent posters, had been removed.
Gonzo went downstairs. Unsurprisingly, he found the rat in the kitchen, munching on a leftover cheese puff. "Rizzo?"
"Yeah?"
"Where's your hammock?"
Rizzo stared, then covered his eyes with a hand and shook his head. He couldn't believe he had to explain. "Gonzo, the last thing I need is to be rooming with a pair of newlyweds."
"But where are you staying?" Gonzo asked, concerned.
"With the other rats, where else? Come on, it's no big deal. You're a big boy now, you'll be all right without a chaperone." Grinning, Rizzo punched Gonzo's arm with a fist the size of a lima bean.
"Well...okay," Gonzo said.
Rizzo rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. It's your wedding night and you're in the kitchen talking to a rat? There's something wrong with you, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow." Carrying the hoes d'oeuvre, Rizzo went out the door to the back yard.
Gonzo had to admit, sometimes the rat had a point.
*
Gonzo explained the situation to Camilla, who agreed readily to move into his room. It would be strange not being with the other chickens, but they were just down the hall.
She needed her nest to brood the egg. Gonzo's first idea was to set it, box and all, on his bed. There was just enough room. but Camilla objected; she was uncomfortable with sleeping that far off the floor, and a fall from that height would shatter their egg! So, Gonzo set the box on the floor in a spot which would get the morning sun, just as the balcony did. Then, with some effort due to his small size, he wrestled the mattress off the bed and laid it on the floor next to her nest. "How about that?"
Camilla nodded approval. They had known that there would be logistical problems, one of which was that a chicken could no more lie comfortably in a bed than Gonzo could sleep sitting on a nest. No matter; she was confident that they would figure something out. They had solved trickier problems than this.
Gonzo sat in front of Camilla. He had a brush for his own fur, and used it often; if he didn't he began to look scruffy very quickly. That would get rid of the birdseed easily enough. However, you could not brush a bird's feathers. It would require a more personal touch. Gonzo offered his hand; she tilted her head down and fluffed her head and neck feathers.
He worked his fingers through her feathers. She closed her eyes and made soft noises. She loved having her head scratched. Gonzo took his time, working his way from her head down her neck, finding occasional bits of seed in her downy undercoat.
It was less likely that any seed would be caught under her body feathers; on her back they lay smooth enough that most of the seed would have bounced off rather than lodging underneath, and her underside wouldn't have caught any at all unless they had been fired at her from below. Still, he continued, stroking her fingers between and underneath her feathers, gently massaging her, listening to her soft sounds of pleasure.
She knew perfectly well what he was doing to her, and it had little to do with birdseed. She held still as long as she could, then said, "Gonzo!"
She needed say nothing more; her expression was enough. They embraced and kissed.
*****
All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
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