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How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by charlietheowl, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. Ruahnna

    Ruahnna Well-Known Member

    Is it like the Tooth Fairy's house, made of lots of little baby teeth? And I'll bet the front door is a big GOLD door....

    (Should really be writing a paper or reading a textbook.)
    LeahXZoot4Evur likes this.
  2. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    He was at the Muppet Boarding House, which has been upgraded in this story from the one in MFS, since the Muppets have their new show and such. I guess I didn't make that clear enough. Thanks for reading!
  3. LeahXZoot4Evur

    LeahXZoot4Evur Well-Known Member

  4. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    I'm not working this week, so I have some spare time. Combine that with the fact that I was really looking forward to fiddling around with this plot, and I was able to work this out much quicker than I normally work.

    Note 1: All song lyrics are copyright to Doug Ingle.

    Note 2: My apologies to all the real life musicians, magazines, newspapers, literary characters and genres of music that are sullied by their association with Wayne and Wanda.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Wayne! Wayne! Could you get out of the bathroom? We are on stage in ten minutes!"

    "Coming! I need to finish whitening my teeth. This whitening pen isn't the easiest to maneuver around my molars."

    Wanda kicked the door once for good measure and stood outside, huffing impatiently. After what seemed like an eternity, Wayne came out, teeth nearly blinding Wanda.

    "Thank goodness you're done. I thought I was going to have to ask some roadie to sing your parts. Now we can start heading to the stage. This is a big concert, I expect you to be on the top of your game tonight."

    "You don't have to worry tonight, I promise."

    "None of this scenery falling down or stagehands eating you business. You need to make it through the entire set tonight, or else I start recording that solo album."

    "You wouldn't!" Wayne gasped.

    "I will! I've got Daryl Hall's agent's number and can have him in for a duet like that! People have always said I have the voice for adult contemporary." She snapped her fingers right in front of Wayne's nose.

    "You act like bad stuff happens every time we perform together-"

    "It does, actually."

    Wayne was left speechless, but that was something Wanda was used to.

    "Look, we've been rehearsing this new material for months, and we're getting better. We're making progress. This could be big for us."

    After Sam the Eagle unceremoniously let the duo go from under his wing, Wayne and Wanda scuffled to find a new sound. Standards were out- those didn't sell anymore. Audiences wanted something edgier, something more exciting, and, by golly, they were going to give it to them.

    They tried disco (Rolling Stone: "Wayne and Wanda's new album will clear the dance floor faster than a pack of rabid boars."). They tried new wave and synth-pop (Billboard: "The new wave has officially washed up on shore, and it's no more welcome than oil at the beach."). They tried soul balladry (The New York Times: "What Wayne and Wanda did to soul music should be a felony, or at least a misdemeanor."). They even tried salsa (The Surgeon General's Office:"Listening to Wayne and Wanda will cause stomach pains, headaches, blindness, loss of rhythm, tone-deafness, and desire to listen to Michael Bolton.").

    But that didn't stop them. After their latest platter was banned in 49 states (Wayne and Wanda: He's A Little Bit Jazz, She's A Little Bit Fusion), the two headed back to the Muppet boarding house to plot their next move. After considering forays into reggaeton and crime-rap, the due figured out their next move.

    Perhaps the problem was that they tried to write their own material. After all, it was hard to write a song, let alone churn out twelve for an album. Maybe they could give the pen a rest for a little bit. And lots of fine artists didn't write their own songs, instead preferring to rely on covers. Linda Ronstadt, Diana Ross, William Shatner. All critically acclaimed artists and their albums had not been deemed weapons of mass destruction by the United Nations (Been Down So Long I Was Invited To Appear In A Life-Alert Commercial: Wayne and Wanda Sing Chicago Blues). The two of them set out to find their favorite obscure songs, ones that deserved a little more attention or perhaps a new interpretation. A few weeks later, they had twenty songs and a chunk of time in the Muppet Recording Studio. The Electric Mayhem provided sympathetic backup (and unsympathetic critique), and in three months, a new album was born.

    Janice suggested that they give the album a simple title so to not give the critics any fodder for mean comments, so they gave the album the vaguest title they could think of. Wayne and Wanda Present: Sounds. No one could argue that the album did not contain sounds. Here's to you, Pitchfork!

    Suddenly, an unkempt badger who looked like he stepped out of 1974 leaned into their dressing room. "Ready to go?"

    "Yes!"

    The two of them made their way through the labyrinthine backstage, passing dressing rooms, sound equipment, stagehands, all sorts of things, until they got to the edge of the stage.

    "Our public awaits!" said an excited Wayne.

    The badger just stared, rolled his eyes, and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. "Sure. Wait until you hear your names and head out on stage."

    "Gee! Wanda, he sure was rude! And that cigarette didn't look like he bought it in a store. I bet he's smoking some of that wild catnip."

    "Get yourself together. You film one D.A.R.E. commercial and you become paranoid about drugs. Let's get ready, they're starting the introduction."

    A voice boomed out over the theatre's sound system. "Live…one night only…unless you actually like them…then we could bring them back…possibly…I don't want to commit to anything yet...Wayne…and… Wanda!"

    The two walked triumphantly on stage to face a crowd full of excited penguins and not much else.

    "Gee, there must be fifty penguins in the audience tonight. A new record."

    Despite critical lambasting from almost every group of people, animal and monster in the world, Wayne and Wanda retained a stronghold over the penguin market. This was largely because of the early endorsement of noted penguin gadabout Lance Chance, also known as "Jay Gatsby with feathers and a beak", who called their music "like Josh Groban without all the hard edges". That was all the publicity needed, and Wayne and Wanda made several successful tours of the Arctic Circles, playing at sold-out igloo bars. They hired a group of musical penguins (called The Emperors) to back them up on the tour in an attempt to capitalize.

    "WAYNE! WANDA! WHOOOOOOOO!" The crowd went wild.

    "Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind," blurted an excited Wayne.

    Wanda rolled her eyes. Only amateurs showed their excitement on stage. The Stevie Nicks and Carly Simons of the world didn't lose it over a few measly fans. They kept it cool.

    "Hello everybody. I'm Wanda, and this is Wayne, and we're here to sing for you. Up first is a new number we've worked out and rearranged to sing as a duet. Hope you enjoy it, it's a real blast from the past."

    She turned around and signaled to the drummer, who adjusted his headband, yelled "One-Two-Three-Four" and kicked into the song.

    The backing band launched into a mid-tempo dirge that was unlike most of the music they had recorded previously, confusing the audience. The organist played some droning chords before Wayne fired up his pipes.

    "In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey, don't you know that I love you!"

    Wanda took the next line, belting out like a choking Janis Joplin.

    "In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true!"

    Then Wayne again, sounding like a drowning Jim Morrison.

    "Oh won't you come with me and take my hand!"

    Wanda answered, straining her vocal chords over the droning organ.

    "Oh won't you come with me and walk this land!"

    The two of them came together for the climactic line of the chorus, truly belting it out like they were looking to rid themselves of a lung or a hairball.

    "PLEASE TAKE MY HAND!"

    The audience looked stunned, while the Emperors launched into a jam. Wayne and Wanda backed away from the microphones and whispered to each other.

    "I don't think it's a good sign when you can whisper during a concert."

    "The audience is just respectful, Wanda. Sheesh."

    "If we lose the penguins then we have no one! No one! Daryl Hall might bail on me! Then I'll have to settle for Joe Cocker! His teeth are bad, Wayne."

    "Maybe he can borrow my teeth whitener."

    "Pay attention! Look- is that Lance Chance heading for the door? No! We can't lose him! They'll all follow him out. No!"

    "Maybe he wants a snack."

    "I'd like a snack too. The band's got at least thirteen minutes left in this jam, so I'm going to get a hot dog. Want anything?"

    "A pretzel. But try to scrape off some of the salt, it upsets my stomach."

    "All right, be back in a few. And Wayne- one more thing."

    "Yes?"

    "Maybe the psychedelic rock album wasn't the best idea."

    "But, our version of Light My Fire is brilliant!"

    "I better call Daryl Hall's agent tonight."

    "Wanda! Wait! Let's make that crime-rap album! I got a speeding ticket once! That's material for a song, right?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Coming up "next": Nigel has a strange encounter.
    AlittleMayhem and Ruahnna like this.
  5. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    ------------
    *howling*

    OMG so MANY hilarious references in this. I think, however, my favorite is the Life-Alert one. Although Wanda's line about "a voice made for adult contemp" had me unable to keep reading for a full minute.

    BRAVO!!
    ------------
    charlietheowl likes this.
  6. Ruahnna

    Ruahnna Well-Known Member

    Okay--your take on Wayne and Wanda was so...accurate that I actually "felt" sorry for them. Poor things. At least they have each other when the lights go down--right?
    newsmanfan and charlietheowl like this.
  7. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys! I'm a big music fan, and I love reading music reviews (the more critical the better), so it was fun to think of some ill-conceived genres for them. And I think Wanda might be casting a wandering eye after all these years of seeing Wayne get eaten/smashed/smushed/et al on stage. I hear she called up Lionel Richie too.
    DramaQueenMokey likes this.
  8. DramaQueenMokey

    DramaQueenMokey Well-Known Member

    I died at the 'considering forays into reggaeton and crime-rap', probably because I love reggaeton and hardcore gangster rap! :D
    Wayne's getting a speeding ticket is not enough material for a song...perhaps if he got a ticket and was caught with that 'wild catnip' he'd have something there XD

    LOVED this XD
    charlietheowl likes this.
  9. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    ----------
    I wanna see the "Wayne goes to prison" epsiode, Charlie. Write it.

    ----------
    DramaQueenMokey likes this.
  10. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Then Wayne could pull a Johnny Cash and release a live album from the prison.

    Wayne: Live at Whatnot County Jail
    newsmanfan and DramaQueenMokey like this.
  11. Ruahnna

    Ruahnna Well-Known Member

    Aww...c'mon, guys. Stop picking on Wayne.

    Even though it's so easy. And so fun. And so predictable--oh, well, go ahead if you must. Wanda will be there to patch him up and shove him back onstage!
  12. LeahXZoot4Evur

    LeahXZoot4Evur Well-Known Member

    Whens the next one?
  13. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    I'm about 80 percent done with the next installment (had a really productive writing session last night), so it should be posted by Friday at the latest.
  14. LeahXZoot4Evur

    LeahXZoot4Evur Well-Known Member

  15. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    In this installment, look for guest appearances by two additional characters along with Nigel.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Nigel! Nigel!"

    "Yes, Thog?"

    "Can you check the mail before you leave? I'd go outside, but I've sprained my ankle and the doctor said I shouldn't put any weight on it for a week at least."

    "Sure, no problem. But I told you that trying to walk on that balance beam was a bad idea, your balance has never been that great."

    "But I thought it would make a good act!"

    Nigel walked outside, shaking his head. It took 21 of them to carry Thog to the flatbed truck which they used to bring him to the hospital that day. Perhaps gymnastics should have been left to the chickens.

    He slowly walked down the driveway, whistling a tune to himself. It was shaping up to be a nice day; he spent the morning working with Robin on his violin lessons (he was turning out to be quite the player), then had a nice lunch with everyone at the house, and now he was going to head off to the dry cleaner's to pick up his conductor suits. All 24 of them (one for each episode of the season). It was important to look sharp. The conductor of the Muppet Orchestra was an important role.

    "Hmm. Three credit card bills for Piggy, a copy of The Fashionable Chicken for Camilla, a Ranger Rick for Robin, and-"

    Nigel was interrupted by a strange character stumbling out of the bushes next to the mailbox.

    "My word! I think those branches might have put a hole in my socks! Thank goodness Boober and Mokey made me an extra pair before I left. Now-"

    The character looked at Nigel and his jaw dropped. Perhaps an awestruck fan, Nigel thought as he got a good look at the creature. Looks like a big Indiana Jones fan as well, judging by that ridiculous hat and the khaki outfit. But where's his shirt? Weird. It's not that hot out.

    The creature finally broke the silence.

    "Well, I cannot believe it! This is a first on my travels of Outer Space."

    "Outer Space? Isn't that up, you know, in the sky?"

    "Don't be silly! No one can travel up to the sky, it's simply too hard to climb up there. But back to the matter at hand, this is truly a momentous moment, the first time I have ever encountered a Fraggle while out on my sojourns."

    "A Fraggle? What's that?" Nigel was taken aback. "I'm a practicing Catholic, if we're talking about religion."

    "Oh no! You must have amnesia! You can't remember the Fraggles! Perhaps that is how you ended up in Outer Space, alone and helpless."

    "What are you talking about?"

    "My name is Traveling Matt Fraggle, and I live in Fraggle Rock. I travel through Outer Space, documenting the lives of the silly creatures for my nephew Gobo."

    "My name is Nigel, and I live in California. I conduct the Muppet orchestra. Nice to meet you."

    "You must be related to Gillis Fraggle! He conducts the Fraggle choir, does an excellent job. You should hear their rendition of Muck And Goo. Truly heartwarming!"

    "I don't know a Gillis Fraggle."

    "Are you sure? You have his eyes." Matt leaned up close next to Nigel, making him uncomfortable. "Maybe you are his child separated at birth."

    "I'm sorry Matt, but that's simply not the case. My parents are Sebastian and Lucinda Templeton, and I'm from Nantucket, Massachusetts, not Fraggle Rock."

    "Hmm. Appears your case of amnesia is pretty deep. Maybe a trip back to the rock will help your case. Some nice radishes, a dip in the pond, some Doozer sticks."

    Nigel stuck his tongue out. "Radishes! Yicch! They are about the worst tasting vegetable in the world. I'd rather eat the Swedish Chef's meat loaf than gnaw on a radish."

    Matt put his hand over his chest and leaned backwards. "Oh what has happened to you! A Fraggle with no memory of home, and a dislike of radishes! What a sad case, a truly sad case."

    "Look, let me show you something, just hold on a second." Nigel fished through his wallet until he took out a small card. "This is my driver's license. Look."

    Matt slowly read the card. "Nigel Kennedy Templeton, resident of Los Angeles, height 2 feet 1 inch, weight-"

    "We don't need to be discussing everything here, give me that license back."

    "But you simply must be a Fraggle! The similarities are uncanny. The eyes on the top of the head, the messy hair, the bright colored skin."

    "I will admit, we do look a bit alike. But I'm sorry, I've never heard of this Fraggle Rock before. Unless it's in Massachusetts, I've never been there. Is it like Plymouth Rock?"

    Matt seemed lost in thought.

    "Matt?"

    "By golly! I know how to see if you are truly a Fraggle."

    "Oh boy."

    Matt took his backpack off his back and began wildly fishing through it, throwing postcards, socks, scarves, and blankets all over the sidewalk until he finally pulled a small set of what appeared to be a flute out of the mess.

    "Ah-ha!"

    "That's a nice flute. Do you play?

    Matt harrumphed towards Nigel. "Do I play? Of course I play. All Fraggles are innately musical. Listen."

    Matt placed the flute up to his lips and began playing a pretty, midtempo tune. Looks like he's had some training, Nigel thought to himself. That song does sound familiar though.

    Combing through the songbooks in his head, Nigel began whistling along with Matt, who didn't notice at first, but kept playing, eyes nearly closed, swaying to the music. Eventually he stopped playing, but Nigel continued on. Matt smiled, placed his flute in his pocket, and walked over to Nigel.

    "See! I told you!"

    "Told me what? Good rendition of Big Noise from Winnetka there."

    "What? That was A Radish For All Seasons. But that's not the point! The point is-" Matt put his arm around Nigel- "you, sir, are a Fraggle."

    "But I told you-"

    "No non-Fraggle could pick up a tune like that without hearing it before. Fraggles are true musicians, and you are a true musician, so then you are a Fraggle. I must record this for posterity." Matt fished through his backpack again, finally getting out a pencil and postcard.

    "Who's that going to?"

    "My nephew Gobo. He's going to follow in my footsteps to travel through Outer Space someday. He simply must learn that I met a Fraggle today."

    "Sounds interesting. Now, Matt, I really must be going, I promised my friend I would bring in the mail for him."

    Matt tossed the postcard aside and ran after Nigel. "But you can't leave! You must come back to Fraggle Rock with me and see everyone. Then we can cure your amnesia. A good moss pack and a couple of radish poultices should do the trick."

    "Yicch. If I don't want to eat a radish, what makes you think I want to spread it on my body? Now I really must be going, Matt, but it was nice to meet you. You're welcome to come inside and rest up if you would like, though we don't have any radishes as far as I know."

    Matt shook his head and sighed. "Well, if you're not going to come with me, then I really have to be on my way. There are many other sights left to encounter on my journeys. If I ever see you again, I'll let you know how everyone is doing. Maybe you'll remember the next time I see you."

    "Thanks, Matt. Good luck!"

    "Goodbye Nigel!"

    "Watch out for those cars Matt! Don't cross the street yet."

    Matt ran into the street, darting between cars before tumbling into a bush across the street. He got up, dusted himself off, adjusted his hat, and walked off down the sidewalk until he turned the corner and moved out of sight.

    Nigel laughed to himself. I wonder who Matt really is. This Fraggle Rock sounds like quite the place. Wonder if anyone at the house has heard of it?

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Coming up "next": Sam the Eagle versus the Los Angeles International Airport (spoiler: Sam loses :attitude:).
  16. muppetfan24/7

    muppetfan24/7 Well-Known Member

    Uncle Traveling Matt? Oh brother! This snippet made my day! He meets a silly Muppet creature. Bwhahahahaha! He is as crazy as Gobo! I hope Mokey didn't hear what I just said, but boy this is silly (laughs)!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  17. LeahXZoot4Evur

    LeahXZoot4Evur Well-Known Member

    Cool! Can't wait to see em'!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  18. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    -------------------
    hee hee hee hee hee...and now I have that awesome whistle-and-string-bass tune that Nigel did with Floyd running through my head, though I don't recall the name of it. (Hey! Nigel and Walter should have a whistle-off!!)

    Very cute. And Nigel does look rather Fragglish...though so do more than a few Whatnots...the frog moves in mysterious ways. :)

    Sam! ooh boy! *gets out leftover sparklers and flags*
    -------------
    charlietheowl likes this.
  19. Slackbot

    Slackbot Well-Known Member

    I'm finally starting to get caught up on my reading, starting with the three most recent chapters of this series. And very enjoyable ones they are. Dr. Teeth sounds just right. I could just see him rambling polysyllabically while the poor guy tried to ask for directions. And I'm glad that someone finally tackled the all-important question of whether Nigel was a Fraggle or not. When Matt spoke of putting him to the test, I was afraid he was gonna check for a tail. Thankfully, Matt chose another very important characteristic.

    All in all, good stuff. Thank you for posting these, and I look forward to reading more.
    charlietheowl likes this.
  20. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys! I really appreciate your kind comments. I thought of mentioning Nigel's lack of a tail in the story, but thought it would be a little grim to have Matt try and imagine what had happened to it.


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