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Statler & Waldorf quotes...

Discussion in 'Classic Muppets' started by punkNpuppets, Oct 14, 2002.

  1. David French

    David French Member

    That comes from the Muppet Show Album, after the Pachalafaka number.
  2. DerekJ

    DerekJ New Member

    Three years going, and nobody quoted:

    S: They don't write the old songs anymore.
    W: Nope--Nowadays they just write new ones.

    ----
    (And can't remember the context, but:)

    W: Statler, you are the Old Fool that there is No Fool Like!
  3. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Oo! Oo! I know this one!

    W: "Ah, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth!"
    S: "Of course not, they'd burn him!"
    W: "Statler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like."

    And I can't believe I forgot my very favorite S&W quote, the closing comment of the Don Knotts episode (first one I ever had on tape):

    S: "This show is awful!"
    W: "Terrible!"
    S: "Disgusting!"
    W: "See you next week?"
    S: "Of course."

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  4. How about these?

    From "Statler & Waldorf From the Balcony: Episode 5":

    (while previewing "The 40-Year-Old Virgin")
    W: I got waxed one time. Two hours of misery...and that was just my ears!


    From "Statler & Waldorf From the Balcony: Episode 6":

    S: We won't be covering anything new?
    W: Hollywood didn't. Why should we?


    From "Statler & Waldorf From the Balcony: Episode 7":

    W: After a summer filled with loud, overhyped junk, Hollywood allows us to clench our pellets in the fall with quiet, underhyped junk!

    S: Since the search for the next James Bond continues, I'd like to officially offer MY services.
    W: License to kill? You're lucky they give you a license to drive!
    S: For me, a license to drive IS a license to kill!

    (while previewing "Just Like Heaven")
    W: (notices Statler crying) What's wrong?
    S: I miss... Uh... I miss...
    W: Relax! Reese Witherspoon isn't really dead!
    S: No, I miss my ten bucks!

    (after previewing "Just Like Heaven")
    S: Well, I can relate to this film. Last night, when I got home, a complete stranger was in the living room.
    W: Oh, was she a ghost?
    S: No, I went to the wrong house again.

    S: If this movie is just like heaven, I'm glad I've been a bad person.

    (after watching the lost footage of Bobo's Star Wars auditions)
    W: Now, I know why that footage was lost!

    W: I am so sick of Johnny Depp!
    S: Well, even in claymation, he can get more women than you!
    W: Oh, yeah? Well, even Clay Aiken can get more women than you!
    S: Ouch!
    W: Oh, yeah. That might've been too mean.

    (after previewing "Corpse Bride")
    S: It's nice to see someone marrying a corpse. It gives us hope.
    W: Amen, brother.

    S: Is it me or is Tim Burton sometimes weird just for the sake of being weird?
    W: I think he just likes to make an artistic statement.
    S: What statement is he making here?
    W: He's weird!
  5. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Wow, a lot of those "From the Balcony" quotes are pretty darn good. There may be hope for the future of Muppet writing yet!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  6. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    The problem with them, is the bad delivery. Oops, wrong thread.

    *scarpers*
  7. Daffyfan2003

    Daffyfan2003 Active Member

    And of course there's the one I remember.

    Statler: You're allowed to say 'he**' on this?

    Waldorf: He**, yeah! It's the Internet!
  8. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I wonder if stars take it as a compliment or as an offense to be heckled by S&W. It's not their job to make friends, to be sure, but ya gotta admit, the Muppets don't attract the same caliber of stars they once did (the phone sequence with Kermit in AVMMCM could ring true to the real situation of the Muppets). Guess it's a good thing that a lot of the up-and-comers of today are Muppet generation.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  9. lord statler

    lord statler New Member

    how many people would love to see an all WALDORF AND STATLER DVD?????
  10. Harvey Towers

    Harvey Towers Active Member

    But then they wouldn't have anything to heckle...

    Unless they heckled the previous heckle

    Then heckled the previous heckle and then that heckle, which they would in turn heckle and then...

    Some time later...

    You get the idea...
  11. lord statler

    lord statler New Member

    actually i meant like a DVD that showed some of there best moments..he he:D :D :D
  12. From "From the Balcony, Episode 4":

    S: I'm actually wearing a pair of those daisy dukes right now.
    W: (looks down at Statler's legs and covers his eyes) Oh, I did NOT get catarack surgery to see that!


    From "From the Balcony, Episode 8":

    W: You know what I was just thinking?
    S: What?
    W: We should come up with a catchy nickname that tabloids can use.
    S: Oh, you mean like Bennifer or Branjelina.
    W: Yeah. I was thinking Staldorf. Okay, how abot Waltler?

    S: Up first, Jessica Alba and Paul Walker star in "Into the Blue".
    W: They play beautiful people hunting for treasure who are being hunted by other beautiful people and, of course, the result is...
    Both: Ugly!

    (after previewing "Into the Blue")
    W: If I found Jessica Alba underwater, I'd stop looking for Nemo.

    S: Let's have a brief moment of silence for Al Pacino's career.

    (after previewing "Two for the Money")
    S: (notices Waldorf pounding his fist on his chest) What's wrong? Was the trailer too intense for you?
    W: No, I'm trying to stop my own heart so I don't have to watch any more!
    S: Well, it's over. Now, all we have to do is just make fun of it!

    S: "Two for the Money" dares to ask the age old question: Who lost a bet and had to make this movie?
    W: Yeah. It's nice to see that someone made a movie about the nation's growing gambling problems.
    S: Yes. Gambling bankrupts millions of people and rips families apart.
  13. From the Muppet CD-ROM:

    W: If at first you don't succeed...
    S: Give up.


    From "From the Balcony: Episode 9":

    W: Doing this show, we get a lot of perks.
    S: That's true. Gifts, dinners, parties, trips to Europe... To get us to say something nice about their film, movie studios would do anything.
    W: Anything, but make a good movie.

    (while previewing "Doom")
    S (to W): I know what your handle ID would be: Nosehair!

    (after previewing "Doom")
    S: How come no one ever made "Pong" into a movie? Now, THAT was a video game.

    S: I usually love action movies, but there's something that just doesn't look good about "Doom".
    W: I know what you mean. I just can't quite put my finger on it.
    S: Well, if you did put your finger on it, you'd need about 4 gallons of Purel to disinfect it!

    (after previewing "Elizabethtown")
    S: "Elizabethtown" looks like one of those emotional movies that makes you want to call your dad afterwards.
    W: And tell him not to go see it!

    S: Director Cameron Crowe always makes these lyrical, thoughtful movies.
    W: There's a perfect name for the genre: Naptime.


    From "The Muppet Show: Lesley Ann Warren":

    S: We're not afraid. We know Gonzo!
    W: If it first you don't succeed, fail, fail again!
  14. How about these?

    From "The Muppet Show: Charles Aznavour":

    (during Fozzie's monologue)
    S: I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath...
    W: The manager ran us through the car wash next door.


    From "The Muppet Show: Jim Nabors":

    (at the conclusion of Fozzie's monologue)
    W: Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
    S: Well, either we've gone soft or we're in the first stages of senility.


    From "The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens":

    S: Do you think this show is educational?
    W: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.


    From "The Muppet Show: Rita Moreno":

    Fozzie: I'm good enough to play the Palace!
    W: You're not good enough to CLEAN the Palace!


    From "The Muppet Show: Ruth Buzzi":

    Fozzie: A lot of these folks want to see me!
    S: Well, so do we.
    Fozzie: You want to see me perform?
    W: No, retire!


    From "The Muppet Show: Florence Henderson":

    (during the closing theme)
    S: I loved it!
    W: So, what? You also loved World War II.


    From "The Muppet Show: Harvey Korman":

    (at the end of the Talk Spot)
    S: Well, to me, there's nothing funny about chickens! (a chicken pops up and starts pecking him)

    (during the closing theme)
    W: Well, the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.
    (a chicken pops up)
    Chicken: BAWK!
    S: Wanna bet?


    From "From the Balcony: Episode 10":

    S: Up first, Antonio Banderes and Catherine Zeta-Jones star in "The Legend of Zero".
    W: Don't you mean "The Legend of ZORRO"?!
    S: Nope!

    (after previewing "The Legend of Zorro")
    S: That looks terrible!
    W: It could've been worse. Instead of Antonio Banderes and Catherine Zeta-Jones, they could've gotten Michael Douglas and Melanie Griffith!

    S: Surprisingly, a lot of people have been clamoring for this sequel.
    W: Don't you mean the fans?
    S: No, the people who made money off the first one!

    S: I just can't take Antonio Banderes seriously anymore.
    W: Well, when could you take him seriously?
    S: Good point!

    (after the Weather Guy's "Weather Man" report)
    W: I think I'll stay home and wait for this one to blow over.
    S: Me too.

    (while previewing "Jarhead")
    S: That's "Don't Worry, Be Happy"! Maybe this is a feel-good war movie.

    (after previewing "Jarhead")
    S: So much for feeling good.
    W: Given the current world climate, "Jarhead" seems a little too heavy for me.
    S: What?! You want to avoid this movie and just ignore the world's problems?!
    W: No, I want to heckle this movie and avoid the world's problems!
    S: Sounds like a plan.

    S: People are saying that this movie really does capture what it's like to be at war.
    W: Yeah! After watching it for 10 minutes, you want to shoot yourself in the foot and get sent home!

    S: I heard Donald Rumsfeld went to go see "Jarhead".
    W: Oh, yeah? What did he think?
    S: No one knows! He's still stuck in the theater because he has no exit strategy!
  15. From "From the Balcony: Episode 11":

    S: I've got a riddle for you. Britney Spears had one, Katie Holmes is having one and you'll never have one. What is it?
    W: That's easy. A baby.
    S: No, a career!

    S: First we're previewing "Get Rich or Die Tryin'". In this movie, 50 Cent plays an inner-city drug dealer who turns to rap music in order to avoid a life of crime.
    W: But the real crime here is that this movie got made!

    (after previewing "Get Rich or Die Tryin'")
    W: This movie inspired me...to hate rap music!

    W: I used to have a comb-over.
    S: Ah, yes. To be 65 again.
    W: Oh, the memories.
    S: 2 kidneys.
    W: Good times.

    (while previewing "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire")
    W: (waving a magic wand) Enguard-em, expect-o, disappear-o...
    S: What are you doing?
    W: Trying to make this movie disappear.
    S: Well, try harder!

    (after previewing "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire")
    S: In "The Goblet of Fire", Harry and his pals fight the most terrifying monster yet!
    W: Puberty!

    W: Statler, what are some of your favorite mythical creatures from the Harry Potter movies?
    S: That's easy. British kids with good teeth! Actually, I like Ray Fines, who plays the evil Lord Voldemort.
    W: Oh, no, no, no, no! Please don't say that name!
    S: Oh, come on! Voldemort's name can be mentioned. It's just a story!
    W: No, I was talking about Ray Fines! That guy gives me the creeps!

    W: Tune in next time for a Thanksgiving episode where I show you how to dress a turkey.
    S: You mean you're gonna cook?
    W: No, I'm going to put you in a tuxedo!

    W: Don't be so upset. Your gobbler's hanging down! Gobble, gobble...
    (Statler gets angry)


    From "From the Balcony: Episode 12":

    W: Well, it's Thanksgiving time. So, that means that Oscar season is finally here.
    S: It's a time when Hollywood proves that not all its movies are loud and stupid.
    W: Yeah. Some are pretentous and boring.

    (upon hearing "The mob's made him an offer he should refuse" in the "In the Mix" preview)
    S: Did they just reference "The Godfather"?!
    W: If he were still alive, Marlon Brando would be embarassed.
    S: This movie looks so bad even Marlon WAYANS would be embarassed.

    (after previewing "In the Mix")
    S: Luckily, Usher's fanbase doesn't care how he acts as long as he's got a 6-pack.
    W: That's a lot like your fans. They don't care how you act as long as they DRINK a 6-pack.
    S: Shows how much you know! I don't even have any fans!

    (following Stan & Louie's bit)
    W: I've said it before and I'll say it again: this theater needs to be exterminated!
    S: This whole show needs to be exterminated!

    W: I'm really looking forward to "Rent". I think it's gonna be the best 7,242 seconds of my life.
    S: I don't even know who you are anymore.

    (after previewing "Rent")
    W: (crying) This movie really touched me.
    S: Yeah, me too. Right here where my 10 bucks used to be. "Rent" isn't just the title, it's how you should see it!
    W: Heartless!
    S: Ah, "Rent". Struggling New York artistic types scraping to get by.
    W: I think it's a great story!
    S: Story?! I was talking about the cast! Who are these people?!
    W: It's all the original Broadway cast. The studio was trying to maintain the artistic integrity of this film!
    S: No, I think they were trying to maintain a profit!

    W: Do you think Stallone's trying to build up his legacy?
    S: No, I think he's trying to build a new beach house!


    From "From the Balcony: Episode 13":

    S: (notices Waldorf crying) What's the matter with you?
    W: It's Nick and Jessica! They split up!
    S: Yeah? So?
    W: So, now she's gonna have more time to devote to her acting!
    (They both cry.)

    W: I can't wait to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe".
    S: Well, I'm putting my money on the lion to win!
    W: It's not a sports movie, you old fool! It's about these 4 little kids who meet and a talking lion, then they go through a magical portal into another world.
    S: Kids and talking lions? I'll be looking for a magical portal into another theater!

    (after Ivan and Sweetums' bit)
    S: Why DOES Hollywood treat monsters so poorly?
    W: Maybe they think they're Republicans.

    (after Clive Focus' bit)
    W: I've had it with these paparazzi!
    S: What did they do now?
    W: Last night, I had to run through a crowd, duck into an alley and drive like a maniac before I finally got one of them to take my picture!
  16. tweety

    tweety New Member

    Anyone here can tell me which episode / movie this quote is from?

    W: Eh, Stater?
    S: Yah, what?
    W: Is that it?
    S: Yes, its over. How'd you like it?
    W: I don't know, I slept through the whole thing.
    S: Well, you didn't miss much.

    I have been looking everywhere and I just cant find it. I really need the video (the sound I already have).

    Thanks :)
  17. David French

    David French Member

    I'm afraid the audio is all you're going to get as this exchange was recorded for The Muppet Show 2 LP only.
  18. tweety

    tweety New Member


    Thank you so very much for the reply! Such a bummer there's no video... :(
  19. bingboingcutie

    bingboingcutie Active Member

    Oh, one of my favorites.
  20. Dominicboo1

    Dominicboo1 Well-Known Member

    :sleep::boo:Waldorf- (seeing Staler's Grandson) Is he yours?
    Staler- Of course not! He's my grandson! I'm just babysitting
    Waldorf- There's some resemblance.
    Baby- But I won't be bald and toothless forever!
    S and W- Ho ho ho!


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