Up until late 2013/early 2014, I was a very cynical and jaded person, and it was not uncommon for fellow MCers to always call me out on being so negative and pessimistic. My argument would always be that I'm not negative or pessimistic, I'm just realistic (and that everybody else was cockeyed and naive). A lot of this stemmed from growing up with a very, very dysfunctional childhood, between moving so many times (sometimes two or three times in the same year), and having parents worthy of being characters in a sitcom, and living through so much disappointment, it really shaped the kind of person I had grown into: yes, I was cynical, and yes I was jaded, but life had made me that way. My personal philosphy was that it's better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised and/or proven wrong, than to expect the best and be disappointed. This was all I knew, and honestly, I never really thought any differently, because I didn't know how, this just came naturally to me.
But since late 2013/early 2014, I've finally had some more stability in my life, and things have slowly, but greatly improved for not only myself, but my family as well. And it was around this time that I finally was able to learn that one of the reasons I was always such a negative person was because I would either dwell on the past too much, or worry about the future too much . . . I was never in the now, but I had finally learned to do just that: live for now, stay in the present, and take life one day at a time. And since then, I've been a much happier, more cheerful, and more positive person for it, and it's amazing how so much better I've felt about life and myself because of it.
But for a year now, I've dropped right back to where I was before, and after having spent a number of years feeling so much more cheerful and optimistic, I now realize how miserable it feels to be cynical, jaded, and pessimistic . . . and I really don't want to be in this frame of mind again. I'm always angry, I'm always frustrated, I'm always annoyed, it's like I get up every morning and dread what I'm going to learn about what kind of crap is happening in the world, because it's always something everyday anymore: a shooting, a massacre, a riot, something.
Like I said, I never realized how miserable a person I actually was until I managed to rise above that phase and become a more positive person, and now that I realize how miserable it feels be a pessimist, I just hate it. I hate feeling like this, but with so much going on right now, I don't know what to do to try to maintain the positive vibes I had been experiencing in recent years. Like Jamie has said time and again, what's happening around us is something we can't just turn a blind eye to in hopes that if we ignore, it'll all go away . . . but I certainly wish it could all go away with the push of a button, or the flip of a switch - because that's how it's felt like since I've fallen back into cynicism and pessimism.
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