When Fozzie Lost His Funny

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Sixteen

Two updates in one day? How'd this happen?

Chapter Sixteen

There were only two bands left, and thus far Fozzie and company had heard nothing worth investigating. Most of them weren't as bad as Yancey Woodchuck, but none of them had any spark. Fozzie looked over at his companions, and their faces told him they were all thinking the same thing. It was certainly looking as though the night would turn into a big bust.

Oh well, thought Fozzie gloomily. At least I'll get to see ol' Harrison again.

Onto the stage shuffled stagehand Will Possum to introduce the penultimate performers.

"Sad to say the show is almost over, folks. But before we go, we've got two of Waterville's most popular and talented bands left to play. First up is the edgy, spirited Riverbottom Nightmare Band!"

The crowd applauded more enthusiastically than they had all night.

"Hey," whispered Tommo, "this sounds like it might be promising." Fozzie nodded in cautious agreement.

The curtain pulled open, and gracing the stage was a rough looking rock and roll band led by a denim-clad bear in sunglasses standing at a keyboard. The band was rounded out by a trench coat clad weasel playing lead guitar and similarly dressed lizard on the drums, a menacing looking snake on the bass, and a catfish in a tank of water doing ... well, nothing, really. Perhaps a bit of vocals.

"The Nightmare is back," said the bear by way of introduction, "and we've got a new song to hit you with."

With a throaty yell from the bear and a heavy guitar riff, the band launched into hard-rhythm rock song. The crowd cheered and applauded through the entire song, and cried for an encore when it was finished. The possum stagehand tried to take a microphone stand away and move the show along, but the weasel and lizard ganged up to push him back off the stage. Before anyone could tear down their set, the bear shouted to the crowd:

"What song?"

"Nightmare Band!" screamed several voices from within the crowd, anxious to hear the band's title song.

"RAAAAAAAAWR!" yelled the bear, and the band picked up the cue, launching into their most famous number.

We take what we want
We do anything that we wish
We got no respect
For animal birdy or fish

The grass does not grow
On the places where we stop and stand
River Bottom Nightmare Band

We know we're a mess
But we do not like to be clean
We don't brush our teeth
'Cause our toothache can help us stay mean

We don't wish to learn
But we hate what we don't understand
River Bottom
River Bottom Nightmare Band

When you see us comin'
You better startin' runnin'
We're always startin' trouble
And we're happiest when things are outta hand

Rivers are for boilin'
Parties are for spoilin'
We either like to sit and pout
Or else go out and terrorize our land
River Bottom Nightmare Band

We laugh in your face
Or we practice our growl and our sneer
We break up your place
We are dangerous when we are near

And when we are done with our song
Who will get the biggest hand?
Who?
River Bottom Nightmare Band!
River Bottom Nightmare Band!

When the band got to the final "who?" the crowd shouted the final lines in answer with them: "RIVER BOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND!" and broke out into mad applause.

As the cheering died down, Tommo leaned towards Fozzie.

"Hey, that was pretty good," he noted.

"Pretty scary, you mean," said Emma, leaning in from the other side.

"Yeah, but it is just their stage act. It's just a show, you know?" responded Tommo.

Fozzie shook his head adamantly. "I don't think so. Those guys are bad news."

"I still say we talk to them," said Tommo. "They're good. They've got the magic you keep talking about."

"Talk if you want, but I'm telling you, you don't want them."

"I agree!" said Emma quickly. Tommo started to grumble a response, but he was cut off by the stagehand, who was on stage again to announce the final act.

"Boy, those Riverbottom boys sure can play a tune, hey? And to close the show, we proudly present to you the finest young gentlemen this river has to offer: Emmet Otter and His Frogtown Jubilee Jug Band!"

The applause for the jug band was every bit as loud, although far more controlled and polite, than the applause for the Nightmare had been. When the curtain opened on this act, it revealed four humble and friendly looking animals with make-shift instruments and homespun clothes. Unlike the Nightmare Band, they were soft spoken and gentle creatures.

"Hi there," said the otter -- Emmet, according to the stagehand's announcement -- happily. "Thanks for showing up to listen to us again. Wendell, Harvey, Charlie and me have been workin' real hard on a new song for ya'll. I hope you enjoy it. Oh! and listen careful to Wendell's jug-blowin', he has a real tricky and neat sounding solo during the chorus."

The boys launched into a tremendously spirited folk song completely unknown to Fozzie. It was probably an original, and if it was, it displayed tremendous talent on the part of the young animals. Fozzie had heard a lot of music in his life (even a lot of jug band music), and he knew this stuff was good. And the otter was underselling when he called the jug-line "tricky;" it sounded downright complex. Talented harmonies were intermixed in all manner of patterns, as the boys broke into varying vocal solos, duets, trios, and four-part harmonies with effortless ease. The finished with a flair, and the crowd showed their appreciation with the night's second standing ovation and more cries for an encore.

Wendell the jug-blower stepped up to the front of the stage and waved for everyone to quiet down.

"Sorry, we can only do one. Thats the rules, you know. And you don't break rules."

The crowd continued to cheer for another song, but Emmet waved Will Possum back onto the stage. Bill tried to close the show, but the crowd would have none of it. Eventually, he gave in.

"Okay, I suppose since the other band did two songs, it is only fair to let the Frogtown Hollow boys have a second go at it. Go ahead, boys."

"Thanks, Mr. Possum!" said Emmet happily. Before he could tell the band what song to play, voices from the crowd started begging for a song called Brothers.

"Okay, okay," said a laughing Emmet. "Brothers it is, guys. Pick it up on Charlie." The talented quartet burst into song once again.

How much alike we are
Perhaps we're long lost brothers
We even think the same
You know there may be others

We can always use a friend
This family just keeps growing
This family doesn't have to end
Brothers, brothers

So many things to learn
But we'll enjoy each lesson
Problems don't worry us
When half the fun is guessing

Live a lifetime of surprise
We'll all become magicians
And leave the wonder in their eyes
Brothers, brothers

The crowd roared as the curtain closed on the boys, and Mayor Harrison Fox stepped out to close the show. As he was talking, Fozzie spoke to his friends.

"That's the band we need. They've got the dream -- you can see it in that otter fella's eyes!"

"They were good," admitted Tommo.

"I loved them!" squealed a delighted Emma. "They're so cute! And their songs make me feel good. Happy."

"Froooop," agreed Bonsai with feeling.

"So we all agree, then," said Tommo. "Now if we can just talk them into working with a unproven group like us ... "

The gang had failed to notice the crowd departing while they were wrapped in their conversation. As Tommo spoke, he was interrupted by the voice of Harrison Fox.

"Pardon the interruption, friends, but I thought perhaps you'd like to continue your discussion over a meal. There's a wonderful little establishment down the road called Riverside Rest, and I'd love to treat you all to a late dinner. It isn't often we get guests in town, particularly ... " he glanced at Fozzie Bear "... guests so famous as the great Fozzie Bear."

"No, no ... Gonzo's the great one. I'm just Fozzie, Harrison."

"Ah, so you do remember me. Then the pleasure of dining with you will be twice as grand."

"One condition," interjected Tommo before Fozzie could agree.

"Which is ... ?" asked the curious mayor.

"You introduce us to the jug band that just played."

Harrison Fox chuckled. "You have my word."

 

[redBoobergurl]

Oooh! Another update! You're on a roll Mark! (I'm not sure what kind, maybe a jelly roll?) Anyway, stuff to love in this chapter...

The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. HILARIOUS! I loved their song, I could not stop laughing and I could totally picture this playing out on the stage!

Emmett Otter!!!! And his jug band! VERY AWESOME!!!

Harrision treating Fozzie and company to dinner because he's famous, that's so sweet! And his word that he'll introduce them to the band, great! The song they performed was quite nice also. I'm assuming you wrote both of these songs yourself? Very good job I must say.

Great writing, can't wait to read more! (Now if only I could snap myself out of my own writers block....)

 

[MarkFraggle]

Oh no. The only song I wrote myself was the one Kermit and Gonzo performed. The Nightmare Song and Brothers are both from Emmet Otter's JugBand Christmas.


And yes, you should snap your writer's block very soon. I miss your story.

*pouty face*

 

[redBoobergurl]

Oh no. The only song I wrote myself was the one Kermit and Gonzo performed. The Nightmare Song and Brothers are both from Emmet Otter's JugBand Christmas.


And yes, you should snap your writer's block very soon. I miss your story.

*pouty face*

Ah yes, I've never seen that one, so that would explain it!

I'm working on snapping out of it, I promise.

 

[christyb]

Great update Mark! Beth seems like me and you are in the same category. I have a chapter but keep rewriting it b/c it doesn't sound right you know? I guess we'll get there. And throw a party once we're out.....muffin Mark?

 

[Java]

I'm still reading Mark and am very entertained by this. I hope to see more soon!

 

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Seventeen

Whew, that was one absurdly long commercial break.

Chapter Seventeen(?)

Howie Cashum, president of WRLD, stormed into the Muppet Theater. He glanced around looking for a familiar face, and when he couldn't find one, grabbed the nearest face at hand.

Clueless Morgan squealed as Cashum lifted him off the ground by his neck, and held his face inches in front of his own. His feet kicked helplessness while Cashum screamed into his face.

"Go and get me somebody important, freak. NOW!" With that, he threw Clueless to the ground. Clueless scrambled to his feet and scuttled out of the room.

Moments later, Scooter was pushed into the room with a dozen or so of the cast cowering behind him. Scooter straightened himself up and addressed Mr. Cashum.

"Um ... he .. hello, sir. Do you need something?"

"Do I NEED something?" bellowed Mr. Cashum in a tremendous bass. "YES, I need something. Do you think I would waste my time coming to this run down rat hole if I didn't need something?"

"Hey, what'chu got against rat holes?" asked Rizzo from the back of the crowd.

"Vermin live in them," replied Cashum menacingly.

"Then jou should be right at home here, hokay?" quipped Pepe, with not a single ounce of humor in his voice.

Cashum ignored him. "Listen up, weirdos. You know how I feel about you Muppets. I think you losers are the furthest thing from funny on television. But it's my job to get ratings, and you nutjobs get ratings, so the shareholders won't listen to any thoughts of canning you freaks. And we need ratings more than ever right now, so I'm here to PERSONALLY get a look at what you are doing. I've been trying to call for days, but every time I do, some loudmouthed idiot hangs up on me. I want to see everything you've got so far, and I want to see it right away. I won't stay in this rat-hole any longer than I must, do you understand?"

Scooter nodded. "Okay, places guys! Costumes on, scripts down! 5 minutes til curtain on the Pizza Twins! Rizzo, Pepe, get moving! Everyone else: if you aren't in the next act, you're run crew, got it? Let's give Mr. Cashum a show!"

"Delightful," Cashum muttered under his breath.

"Uh, you want to come with me, Mr. Cashum? I can show you to your seat," asked a soft, gentle voice from behind the mogul.

"No, I do not want to come with you, you terrible little thing. I can find my own sea..." Cashum's voice cut out as he turned around to find he was staring at the very intimidating figure of Thog.

"This way, please," continued Thog, leading a much quieter Howie Cashum to a front and center seat in the auditorium. "It's a very nice seat, isn't it? We just had new padding installed and everything. Are you comfortable? If you think you'd be more comfortable somewhere else, we can move you."

"This will be fine, thank you," replied Cashum, just wanting the large monster to go away.

Behind the curtain, Scooter was nervously prepping Rizzo and Pepe for their Pizza Twins sketch, which was the current opener for the show.

"Relax Scooner. We are pros, hokay?"

Scooter took a deep breath, and hustled out in front of the curtain.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this very exciting special edition of the Muppet Show!"

Scooter turned his hand sideways in front of his mouth and spoke softly to Mr. Cashum, as if to block his speech from the rest of the non-existent audience. "Normally Kermit would do this part, Mr. C, but he isn't here right now so..."

"Don't explain, just get on with it," blustered Cashum.

"Today's show is special for two reasons," continued Scooter is his best Kermit imitation. "First, it is two and a half hours long..."

"For the love of all things holy," said Cashum loudly. "Two and a half hours I have to sit here and watch you freaks?"

"We could make your stay significantly shorter if you'd like, boss man," noted Dr. Teeth from the pit orchestra. Animal chimed in by straining mightily against his chains and shouting incoherently.

"No need for threats," muttered Cashum.

Scooter continued "... and second, because it is entirely devoted to our own furry, fuzzy, funny-man; idol of millions, Fozzie Bear!" Nigel led the pit in a quick, explosive burst of show music while the curtain opened to reveal an empty stage.

"On the big night, Fozzie will be on stage for this part," explained Scooter.

Cashum raised a challenging eyebrow.

"He'll throw of a quick punch-line or two as an intro to the special. It'll be great. Uh, Can somebody fill in for Fozzie, please?"

There was a quick scuffle backstage, and the Swedish Chef was pushed forward. He looked around helplessly for a brief second, and then shrugged his shoulders and turned to face his audience of one.

"Vy dun ooysters geefe-a tu chereety?" The Chef waited for three beats, then continued. "Becoose-a zeeyr shellfeeshen! Bork-a bork-a bork-a!"

Cashum glared, and the curtain dropped to another burst of fanfare as Scooter stepped back into the spotlight.

"And now to open our show, we proudly present The Pizza Twins. Yaaaaaaaaay!" Scooter ran off the stage as the curtain swept open on an unpainted but amusing set with no actors.

Backstage, Scooter panicked. "Rizzo?" he asked in a loud whisper. "Pepe? Hey, where are you guys?" When nobody answered, Scooter shouted "can somebody fill in for Rizzo and Pepe?"

The Swedish Chef sighed, and picked up two identical hats from the costume bin. He put one on his own head and settled the other on a large tomato, then shuffled out onstage. He was, after all, a professional. Scooter just covered his eyes and prayed.

"Rizzo, are you sure about this?" asked Fast Eddie as he followed the rat out to the parking lot along with the rest of the Muppet rats.

"Sure I'm sure," said Rizzo who then turned to Pepe and asked under his breath "Pepe, you sure bout this?"

"Of course I am sure, hokay?" declared the King Prawn. "When has Pepe ever asked jou to do something which was a bad idea?"

"well there was the time with ..." started Rizzo.

"Bicycles do not count, hokay?"

"Okay, then there was the lady who ..."

"She was not sane. This was not Pepe's fault, hokay?"

"How about when ..."

"That does not count either. I was young and stupid, hokay?"

"And then ..."

"Please do not mention the seahorse incident. I had nothing to do with the seahorses, hokay."

Rizzo stopped trying. "Okay, okay," he said in defeat.

"Jou see?" asked Pepe triumphantly. "Pepe takes care of his friends, hokay? Trust me, this is a very good idea."

As the conversation finished, Pepe, Rizzo, and the rest of their band arrived at Mr. Cashum's enormous limousine.

"Wow," sighed Rizzo in awe. "This sucker's enormous. You could raise a family of 500 in here."

"So how we gonna get in, Riz?" asked Yolanda.

"Don't worry, we've got it all planned out," said Rizzo confidently. He turned back to Pepe and muttered "so, ah, how we gonna get in dere, Pepe?"

Pepe cackled and rubbed his hands together. "Jou just wait until jou see the window hopen, and then jou all climb in very quickly, hokay?" instructed the prawn with a gleam in his eye.

"But how ..."

"Do not ask, Rizzo. It is not for tender ears like your own to hear, hokay?" and with that, Pepe whisked to the driver's door at the very front of the car and knocked swiftly.

The door opened briefly and a very attractive woman stuck her head out, confused as to why she could not see who was knocking through the window. When the door opened, Pepe seized his chance and leapt in. A squeal and a moment later, the door was pulled shut. Periodic squeals, giggles, and even one stray honk on the car horn followed for some time, until eventually the rear window near where the rats were standing scrolled open. They quickly scurried in, and at Rizzo's instruction concealed themselves in any available hiding place.

As Rizzo finished issuing commands the window closed again, and the glass between the driver and passenger sections of the car opened. Pepe climbed through in a sort of stagger, covered in lipstick and with his shirt on backwards.

"I'll let myself out as soon as I clean up, hokay?" he promised as the glass closed again. "And I will call jou soon, this is a promise."

Rizzo stared a Pepe, opened his mouth, closed his mouth, and then shook his head in disbelief.

"There is a reason they call me King Prawn, hokay?" said Pepe, triumphantly punching a tiny fist into the air.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Mark!!!! I was wondering if we'd ever get anymore of this wonderful story! It's so good to see you! The update was well worth the wait. My favorite part was with Thog showing Mr. Cashum to his seat. Very humorous. Ok, now that you're back, hurry up and write some more, gotta know what is going to happen with Fozzie and Emma and Tommo and Bonsai and Kermit and everyone!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

*screams* Mark! Great to see you back! I too had thaught you had left us perminantly, but then to make such a glorious return! I also loved Thog's part. For a minute I was expecting Miss Piggy, but he is probably better because he is bigger, and to those who don't know him, more intimidating. Karma, that's what I call it, as well as the comments from the pit.
Also, I never mentioned how much I love Emma and Tommo! They're hilarious, and I love the way they and Fozzie are helping each other!
Looking forward to seeing both you and more story soon!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Mark? Where'd you go? Did we scare you away with our exuberant reception of your return? Anyway, you can't just leave us hanging for another month so I hope you come back soon with some more wonderful story!