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Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Well... it's my birthday. As most of you know I like to do crazy things on my birthday, so why should this year, my 18th, be any different? ...It shouldn't. Here it is, gang. I'm back. :D

    The Muppets’ Mid-Age Crisis


    Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there lived a frog.

    Two frogs, actually.

    Those frogs were Kermit, a brave and valiant knight, and his nephew Robin.

    Although brave and valiant as Kermit was, he was not considered brave and valiant in the community at large—in fact, he wasn’t even considered a knight in the community at large. Just a frog with a sword.

    It wasn’t even his sword, to be honest. He had “borrowed” it from the stirrup of a gleaming white horse parked next to a cave so he could take out a pesky tree root that had sprung up in his lawn.

    He decided he didn’t need to give it back after those mysterious skeletal remains were found outside the local troll’s cave.

    So no, Kermit wasn’t really a knight.

    But Robin really was his nephew, so at least he had that going for him.

    Knight or not, Kermit did have a loyal squire named Scooter.

    He didn’t really want a squire… but he had one anyway (mostly because Scooter’s uncle owned the property deed to Kermit’s house).

    And really that’s all there is to know about Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant not-really-a-knight with a nephew, an eager squire, and a heart of gold.

    That could easily be the end of Kermit’s story—but what kind of story would that be?

    A short story.

    So Kermit’s tale continues with intrigue, danger, romance, and the occasional snappy song-and-dance

    “Is that really how you expect to attract the wandering readers, mister omniscient narrator?"

    What the—…Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Teeth, appearing long before his cue.

    The hairy head of the gold-toothed keyboardist nodded cheekily. “Many thanks to you, narrator," the musician said. “Greetings and salutations to you, fair readers, if there are any of you out there after that introduction.”

    Dr. Teeth, please, you’re really not supposed to be in the story until—

    “Yes, yes, I know," Dr. Teeth said, talking to the unseen narrator. “But I heard that repugnant introduction you just gave. Unbearable, even with your big, boomin’ voice!"

    Well how would you do an introduction, o’ professor of pomp, ye savior of circumstance?

    “Ah ha!" the good doctor proclaimed. “I’m glad you asked! That’s your cue, guys!"

    Floyd Pepper, Zoot, Janice, and Animal entered, all decked out in the attire common to the Middle Ages. Tunics for Floyd and Zoot and a wench-esque dress for Janice (Animal’s outfit was beyond description).

    That is not their cue! Not even close!

    “Oh, like, mellow out, okay?" Janice told the voice.

    “Yeah, man, dig on it, we’ve got an introduction that’ll bring light to the Dark Ages!" Floyd said with his raspy laugh following suit.

    “Intro! Intro!" Animal chanted.

    “Exactly," Dr. Teeth said, taking his place behind the oaky keyboard of an upright piano that had just appeared. “We am, is, are, and be they whom am are known as Dr. Teeth and the Candlelight Mayhem!"


    “No electricity in the Middle Ages, baby," Dr. Teeth explained with a grin.

    …Well at least you did your research.

    “Like, can we go on with our intro now, please?" Janice asked.

    Sure. Why not? I could use a coffee break anyway.

    “Righteous!" Dr. Teeth shouted as the rest of the Candlelight Mayhem picked up their previously unseen instruments. “Hey, hey, readers, welcome to the story! We, Dr. Teeth and the Candlelight Mayhem, are a band of traveling minstrels who will traipse through this story whenever a musical number is needed—and sometimes even when one isn’t!"

    “Right on," Floyd said. “This is a tale of a frog—two frogs, even! A pig, a bear, a whatever, a squire, an evil wizard, and—”

    “Oh, like, you’re giving away the whole story, Floyd!" Janice chided the bassist.

    “Spoiler! Spoiler!" Animal shouted.

    “Too true, too true," Dr. Teeth said, nodding in agreement. “We wouldn’t want to give away the surprises.”

    Zoot poked his head up for a brief span of attentiveness. “Wha? Surprise? Whose party is it? Why aren’t there any streamers?"

    “Hey, hey, let’s start the song while Zoot’s awake," Floyd suggested.

    “Possilutely," Dr. Teeth agreed. “Two, three, and!"

    Janice opened with a light riff on her guitar, playing slowly and softly with no other sounds.

    Come gather ‘round,
    Ye readers lots
    And hear the tale we tell," Dr. Teeth sang gently to the sound of Janice’s guitar.
    About a grand adventure
    And a wicked magic spell
    About a hero’s bravery
    About a hero’s glory
    About the mighty knight at arms,
    The bold sir Kermit’s story!

    Dr. Teeth picked up the tune on his keyboard and Animal entered with a repetitive melody on the drums. Floyd plucked the strings of his old-time bass guitar every break in the music, and Zoot blew his horn at the end of every chord.

    A thousand years ago,
    A time so Dark you couldn’t even see," Floyd sang.
    There lived a valiant knight
    With Robin, his tiny nephew, brave
    Along with squire Scooter,
    Though he was just a knave.
    Yes, he was just a knave!

    They set out on an epic journey
    To the castle of the king," Janice continued the song, holding her song on the guitar.
    The goal of the knight so brave?
    To give the pig his ring!
    To ask the princess’ hand in marriage
    And maybe even stay.
    Mm-hmm, he would like to stay!

    Dr. Teeth hit all the keys as he ran his green finger down.
    The plan, of course,
    Is easier sang than done
    But if it wasn’t, well,
    It just wouldn’t be as fun!
    A dark wizard has a bone to pick
    With Kermit and his pig
    He’ll cast a spell and scheme and cheat—
    He’ll even do a little jig!
    He’ll do a little jig!
    It surely won’t be big!

    “You’re stretchin’ that rhyme scheme, Dr. Teeth," Floyd added, not breaking tune.

    Dr. Teeth shrugged. “We’ve just gotta hold it for one more verse!"

    So join us here
    And join us now
    In our story long," Dr. Teeth, Floyd, and Janice harmonized, Zoot and Animal still on their instruments.
    We hope we got you readin’
    With our catchy little song
    So do enjoy this tale,
    Although our rhyme scheme’s frail!
    You should at least like the story
    For it’s cheap and reasonable prices
    Enough of this minstrel song
    Here it is, The Muppets’ Mid-Age Crisis!

    Dr. Teeth flashed a grin and gave a thumb up to the band. “Very nice!"

    “CRISIS! CRISIS!" Animal shouted heartily.

    Well whadaya know… that was better than my introduction.
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  2. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    *has been laughing ever since the good doctor's "introduction"*

    *applauds* Bravo! Bravo! Happy Birthday! *throws flowers at the band and the author*
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  3. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Prawnie, if you tell me you're going to post at seven and you expect me to be the first to reply, why post at six-thirty? Ah well. Ya got me out of bed, anyway.

    Now about this story. AWESOME. I do so love when you re-write songs to better suit your purposes. And ah, those characters, doing everything they're not supposed to do... so typical, from a writer's perspective. And I love the italics.

    And now I really need to go get breakfast and scurry off to class, so... <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> for a happy eighteenth birthday, welcome to adulthood, and MORE STORY PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  4. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday again, and I love the beginning! It's awesome! You've captivated me from the first word, though I should expect nothing less from you. :) Can't wait to read more!
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  5. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 1

    Kermit the Frog hoed away at his rather barren front yard. He struck his hoe into the ground forcefully and found that he couldn’t remove it. He sighed and leaned against the tool wistfully. “You can’t tell me this is pre-shovel times,” he mumbled.

    The pitter-patter of feet echoed in the distance away from Kermit’s humble home made entirely of stone (what else did you expect it to be made of?). “Uncle Kermit!” a chipper voice chirped from somewhere down the dusty road leading up to the stone house. “Uncle Kermit!”

    “What ho!” Kermit called, standing up from his pivotal position against his gardening tool. “It appears my nephew Robin hath returned from yonder village!”

    A deep, groaning, mumble exuded from somewhere near Kermit’s webbed feet. He looked down at the ground where the metal end of his hoe was still jammed into the ground. “What hoe?” he asked.

    Before the humble hoe had a chance to answer Robin had sprinted from wherever he was previously to directly in front of Kermit—panting heavily.

    “Dear nephew,” Kermit said, “what in the name of Camelot art thou doing?”

    Robin panted lightly, resting his hands on his tiny kneecaps. “What would you like me to name a camel-lot?” Robin asked between pants. (And he wasn’t even wearing pants!)

    “Well it’ll have to be a hot joint,” Kermit told his nephew, “so name it aptly.”

    Robin stared up at his uncle, his panting having since ceased. “Can we get back to the plot now Uncle Kermit?” he asked.

    “Please,” Kermit said.

    “Fair Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted, not missing a beat. “You will never believe what I discovered on my trip to yonder village!”

    “The Holy Grail?” Kermit asked.

    “Well… yes,” Robin said, displaying an ornate, golden goblet in front of him, “but everyone finds that in the Middle Ages.” The young frog cast aside the cup as if it were… a cup. “But good uncle, I have discovered some very intriguing news!”

    “Well the narrator said there would be intrigue—job well done nephew,” said Kermit, commending his nephew.

    “Don’t you want to know what the news is Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked eagerly.

    “Of course—it’s plot exposition,” Kermit said dryly.

    “Oh, right,” Robin said with a quick nod. “But where’s Scooter? Shouldn’t we tell him too?”

    “We should indeed,” Kermit said, over-acting. “Come, nephew! To Scooter!”

    “Actually it’s one Scooter, boss—and he’s right here,” the yellow-skinned squire adorned with glasses (don’t ask me if they had them back then) and a dark green tunic with yellow threading said, appearing from nowhere in particular.

    Kermit and Robin jumped at the surprising appearance of the fair squire. “Fair squire, do not frighten us so,” said Kermit with a scolding tone.

    “Sorry boss,” Scooter mumbled.

    “It’s Kermit in this story, remember?” Kermit muttered to Scooter.

    “Oh! Right! Sorry boss,” Scooter apologized. “Oh—erm, I mean, sorry Kermit!”

    “Good,” said Kermit. “Now, young Robin has some intriguing news for us.”

    “Ooh, intriguing!” Scooter said.

    “Tell us, nephew Robin, what is this intriguing news you bring to us?” asked Kermit.

    Robin’s face was scrunched up to form a tight frown. “Do you have to talk like that?”

    “Just tell us the news,” Kermit told his nephew.

    Robin sighed lightly and then returned to his chipper disposition. “Dear uncle! In yonder village I heard three men speaking of the princess who lives in the castle on the other side of the kingdom!” Robin explained excitedly.

    “A princess?” Kermit asked, intrigued by this news. (Go figure.)

    “A castle?” Scooter asked suspiciously. “If there was a castle wouldn’t we be able to see it from here?”

    Robin looked to Kermit for an explanation. The not-really-a-knight squirmed uneasily. “It’s a short castle,” Kermit decided.

    “…Sure,” Scooter said, not convinced at all.

    “And the princess of the castle is looking for someone to marry her!” Robin continued.

    Kermit gulped loudly. “Marry her?” he asked worriedly.

    Robin nodded happily. “Yes, dear uncle, and she’s seeing all eligible bachelors!”

    “Gee bo—er… Kermit, you’re an eligible bachelor!” Scooter told the taller frog (that’s Kermit).

    “A princess, huh?” Kermit asked dreamily. “If I married a princess… I’d—I’d become king.”

    “King Kermit,” Scooter said aloud. “I like the sound of that!”

    Kermit nodded. “And think of all the good stuff I could do for our poor townspeople here if I was king,” he said. “I could get us hoes that don’t stick in the ground—or even better! I could get shovels! And no one else would go hungry—and everyone would have clean water, and—”

    “And we’d get to live in a castle!” Robin shouted.

    “And I’d get the health benefits of a squire to a king!” Scooter declared.

    Kermit and Robin stared at Scooter. The squire shrugged. “I don’t even have dental,” he said.

    “You don’t even have teeth,” Kermit told him.

    “What say you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked, trying to regain control of the conversation. “Will you go off to the castle, win the heart of the princess, and become king?”

    “Do you honestly expect it to be that easy?” Kermit asked.

    “Of course not,” Robin said.

    “Oh good,” Kermit said with smile. “Then yes, I shall!”

    “YAY!” Scooter and Robin shouted, flailing their arms around. “We’re gonna live in a castle!” they said in unison.

    “And make people happy!” Kermit declared.

    Robin and Scooter looked at each other. “While living in a castle!”

    <—> <—> <—> <—> <—>

    Kermit sheathed his sword at his waist and readied himself for the triumphant journey towards the castle.

    Scooter came scampering into Kermit’s bedroom holding a piece of parchment and a quill in his hands. Kermit faced the squire and smiled. “Ready to go over the checklist, Scooter?” Kermit asked.

    “Check!” Scooter said affirmatively as he crossed something out on the parchment with his quill.

    “Oh good,” Kermit said. “Sword?”

    Scooter peered down at Kermit’s waist, nodded, and made another mark on the parchment. “Check,” he said.

    Kermit nodded and looked around arbitrarily. “Erm… is there anything else?” he asked.

    Scooter’s eyes scrolled over the parchment. “One more thing,” Scooter said.

    “What’s that?”

    “Robin,” Scooter said blankly.

    “Oh good grief,” Kermit said. “Where is he?”

    Scooter shrugged. “He’s your nephew.”

    “Yes,” Kermit said, “but you are my squire—so where’s my nephew?”

    “Well if I knew, I would’ve checked him off the list,” Scooter said defensively.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Oh Robin, Robin, where for art thou, Robin?” he called out into the echoing stone house.

    “Save it for the princess, boss,” Scooter advised the frog.

    “Kermit,” Kermit corrected the squire.

    “Kermit, right, sorry boss,” said Scooter.

    The brave and valiant knight shook his head. “Robin!” Kermit called out again.

    “Uncle Kermit!” Robin’s voice called from an unseen little froggy body.

    Kermit and Scooter both looked around the empty stone house. “Robin where are you?”

    “I think I’m in the Dark Ages!” Robin’s worried voice called back.

    “We’re all in the Dark Ages, my nephew, but where in the Dark Ages are you?” Kermit asked.

    “I don’t know, but it’s dark!” Robin’s voice whined.

    “Dark?” Kermit said to himself. “But dear nephew, it is still light outside!”

    “Not in here!” Robin answered.

    Kermit looked at Scooter. “Where could he be?” the frog asked.

    “Well…” Scooter said, thinking, “there’s no such thing as an attic or a basement yet—so those are ruled out.”

    “And we don’t have a dungeon,” Kermit added.

    “Right,” Scooter said with a nod. “Not after the… incident.”

    “No one told me that penguins were allowed to carry around parchment giving people directions!” Kermit said, defending himself. “Who needs a penguin to tell you to applaud, anyhow?”

    “The crowd that gathered to see your trial sure didn’t mind it,” Scooter reminded the frog.

    Kermit winced. “Just because they claimed the dungeon was a detriment to society…”

    “That’s what the court ruled!” Scooter said eagerly.

    Kermit frowned. “Robin!” he called to his nephew again, taking a few steps in the direction of where Robin’s voice was coming from before. “What were you doing before it got dark?”

    “I was looking for a shovel!” Robin said.

    The face of the brave and valiant froggy knight scrunched up tightly. “Of course you were—everyone is,” Kermit said with a sigh.

    Kermit and Scooter continued to follow the sound of Robin’s voice until they were standing in front of a large wooden door inside the house. They both looked at each other silently. “Robin,” Kermit said, “were you looking in the closet?”

    There was no response for a few seconds. “…Yes,” Robin answered finally.

    Scooter pulled open the door and Robin hopped out, right into Kermit. “Oh, brave, fearless Uncle Kermit! You’ve saved me!” the little frog said, feigning gratitude.

    Kermit’s face returned to the scrunched position. “You planned this all along, didn’t you?” he asked.

    Robin gulped and looked up into his uncle’s Saturn-shaped pupils. “I just wanted to show everyone how brave you are!” Robin argued.

    “By having me open a closet?” Kermit asked.

    “I opened the closet actually,” Scooter interjected.

    “Oh no!” Robin whined. “Now I’ll have to go get locked in the tool shed so Uncle Kermit can rescue me!”

    “Nephew, you are too kind,” Kermit said, patting Robin on the shoulder. “But I think we should get back to the story.”

    Robin sighed. “Okay, Uncle Kermit…”

    “Oh good,” Kermit said. “Are we ready to go Scooter?”

    Scooter looked at the parchment in his hands. “Check!”

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    The brave and valiant knight, his nephew, and his squire stood on the dusty road outside of Kermit’s house of stone. Kermit stared at it longingly and sighed heavily. “Fare thee well, o’ house of homes, o’ abode of my liking, o’ residence of—”

    Castle,” Scooter and Robin whispered to the frog.

    Kermit stopped, mid-sentence, and turned away from the house. “Well we’d better get going before the sun sets on our little venture!” he said.

    The three travelers took their first step towards their destinies.
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  6. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    I love the whole thing, duh, but I had to quote that part. It's just awesome.

    And the hoe. And the lack of shovels. And ROBIN! (Are ya that surprised there?) And their reasons for going on this quest, and just--OY Prawnie I love you!

    OH! And the whole Boss/Kermit thing. That's awesome.

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  7. Leyla

    Leyla Well-Known Member

    I expected it to be made of sandwiches.

    What? I can't be the ONLY one.


    Well, in any case... Prawnie! this is VERY funny! I like the voice you're using, in it, and you mad be laugh quite a lot. I really enjoyed it. I'm just too tired and lazy right now to quote all that I liked, but there were many things, including the penguin with the parchment, and Robin's skillfl plan to prove his uncle's courage.

    Love their relationship, and Scooter too! Hooray!
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  8. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Sweet mother of Mary Todd Lincoln! A post from LEYLA? ! ? ! I say... what a strange occurence. :zany:
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  9. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Hey, jou said jourself, hokay, craaaaaaaazy t'ings happen on jour birthdays...
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  10. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    This is such a fun story Prawnie! I'm loving it! The ho/hoe joke was funny and heck the whole thing was funny! Must read more!
    GopherCoffee likes this.
  11. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 2

    It was after about the 200th step that Robin started complaining about his feet hurting.

    “We’re not gonna walk the whole way there, are we Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked wearily, lagging behind Kermit and Scooter on the dusty road to the castle.

    Kermit looked back at his nephew. “How else do you expect us to get there?” he asked.

    “You could carry me,” Robin suggested.

    “Dear nephew,” Kermit started, “I am already hauling an eight pound sword—I am an eleven pound frog. It adds up.”

    “Okay…” Robin said with a heavy sigh. “Uncle Kermit?”


    “Are we there yet?”

    Kermit sighed and looked towards Scooter. “How are you supposed to respond to that?” he asked his squire.

    “Fire,” Scooter said blankly.

    Kermit did a double-take. “Wha?”

    “Fire!” Scooter said, louder this time, pointing to a not-so-distant stable in a field along the dusty road. If the omniscient storyteller hadn’t noted that it was a stable, it would not have been distinguishable as such, since it was on fire.

    “My goodness!” Kermit shouted. “That stable is on fire!”

    “That’s what the omniscient storyteller said,” Scooter said.

    “Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted gleefully, tugging at his uncle’s arm. “Now’s your chance!”

    “My chance for what, nephew Robin?” Kermit asked.

    “Your chance to prove yourself as a brave and valiant knight!” Robin said eagerly.

    Kermit looked down at his nephew and his face squirmed a little bit. “By doing what, exactly?” he asked nervously.

    “Extinguishing that fire, of course!” Robin said. “Hurry, Uncle Kermit! It’s burning fast!”

    Kermit frowned. “It’s a fire!”

    “Exactly!” Robin shouted. “Hurry!” Robin pushed against his uncle’s back, moving him slightly forward.

    Kermit looked at Scooter. “Well, squire, should I go?” he asked.

    “That’s the burning question, boss—erm… Kermit!” Scooter said, catching his mistake.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Very funny,” he said. The brave, valiant knight sighed. “Alright, I’ll go. Scooter, stay here with Robin.”

    “Aww, can’t I go with you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked.

    “Not this time, nephew,” Kermit said. “It’s far too dangerous.”

    “Then why are you goin’, Kermit?” Scooter asked.

    The knightly frog stood upright and proud and smiled heroically. “For I am a brave and valiant knight!” he declared, reaching for his sword and pulling. The sword stuck and Kermit frowned down at his sword holster. “What rotten luck!”

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Kermit approached the burning stable cautiously; the heat of the smoldering wood and smell of the blazing hay blinded his senses.

    The frog looked to his left and spied a group of horses running around the open field, obviously escaping the blaze.

    “Heeeeeeeelp!” a voice whined from within the fire.

    Kermit’s attention was drawn back to the stable. “Good grief,” he said with heavy sigh. Kermit pulled his sword sheath over his head and laid it carefully on the ground. He cracked his little green knuckles and took off towards the fire.

    The heat was, needless to say, intense. Smoke flooded Kermit’s eyes—the fact that he couldn’t close them didn’t help. Everything burned a bright orange and yellow. A rafter of the stable crashed down on Kermit’s right and sparks flew into the air.

    “What was I thinking?” Kermit asked himself, shielding his eyes with his arm.

    “You were thinking you’d save the bear from having singed fur!” the same voice from before called out from within the fire.

    “Hi-ho! Who goes there?” Kermit asked.

    “It’s Fozzie Bear—and I’m not going anywhere!” the voice shouted.

    Kermit swallowed his pride (and a lot of smoke) and pushed forward through the flames. “Where are you?”

    “In the fire!”

    “Reach out your hand, maybe I can feel my way to you!”

    “I’m the one with the fur!”

    “All I feel is… a hoof?” Kermit said, holding a hoof in his hand. He looked up and stared into the frightened eyes of a horse.

    “I thought you said you were a bear!” Kermit shouted.

    The horse brayed nervously and pulled its hoof away from Kermit. “I am a bear!” a bear, whose face Kermit couldn’t make out in the flames as he appeared next to the frog said. “What are you?”

    “A brave and valiant knight,” Kermit said.

    “Ahh! Perfect! That means you can save me and this horse!” Fozzie said.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “I should’ve just said I was a frog…” he mumbled.

    The horse squealed loudly as another piece of wood fell from the ceiling, crashing directly behind the frog and the bear. The two ducked instinctively. Kermit hopped (HA!) to action. “Quick,” he shouted, “get on the horse!”

    “Of course!” Fozzie said.

    “Cute, cute joke!” Kermit shouted over the sound of another crashing board.

    “Thanks,” Fozzie said, helping Kermit onto the horse. “It’s kind of what I do!”

    “The heck you say,” Kermit said, grabbing onto Fozzie’s paw and lifting him onto the back of the horse.

    “Well… it’s more of a hobby,” Fozzie said as the petrified horse carefully galloped through the stable.

    Kermit stared straight ahead of him, trying to peer through the fire. “Same with me being a knight,” he admitted.

    The horse jumped over something on the ground that must’ve needed to be jumped over—neither Kermit or Fozzie knew what it was. The flames began to part slowly and Kermit noticed the smoke flowing out through an opening.

    “There’s the door!”


    Kermit turned around and stared at Fozzie. “What?” he asked.

    Fozzie pointed up into the rafters where burning bales of hay sat. The rafter was nearly burnt through. “Hay!”

    Kermit and Fozzie exchanged near-death experience glances and screamed loudly as the horse raced through the opening in the stable. The rafter holding the flaming hay came down behind the horse, and the rest of the small barn came burning down after it.

    “Well that was close,” Fozzie said with an exasperated sigh.

    “Nah,” Kermit said with a shrug, “it’s only chapter two.”

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Fozzie and Kermit rode the horse over to the road where Robin and Scooter sat playing cards (where they got cards, I’ll never know). “Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted, hopping up from the dirt road. “Did you extinguish the fire?”

    Kermit and Fozzie climbed down off the horse; each charred with black soot. “Not exactly,” Kermit admitted.

    “Boss—Kermit! Be careful! There’s a bear behind you!” Scooter shouted, cowering nervously.

    “Don’t worry, don’t worry!” the bear reassured the squirmy squire. “I don’t bite! I tell jokes!”

    “And from what he’s told me,” Kermit said, “that’s even worse.”

    Kermit turned to Fozzie. For the first time he noticed the bear’s white tie with pink polka-dots (now covered in soot) and his pointed green hat. Kermit was fairly certain Fozzie was harmless—less than harmless actually. “Fear not, squire,” Kermit said to Scooter, “this is Fozzie. Fozzie, this is my nephew, Robin, and my squire, Scooter.” The frog motioned to each of them.

    “Funny,” the bear said to the bespectacled yellow thing, “you don’t look like a squire.”

    “And you don’t look like a comedian,” Scooter countered.

    “Ahh! That’s because I’m not. Not yet anyway!” the bear said. “Ya see, right now I’m just Fozzie Bear, stable-hand—and feet! Wocka! Wocka!”

    “Well now I see why he’s not a comedian yet,” Scooter said with a smirk.

    Kermit shook his head. “Well, Fozzie, we’re embarking on an epic journey—”

    Robin jumped out from behind Kermit. “Yeah, a journey filled with intrigue, danger, romance, and—”

    “Dear nephew,” Kermit hushed Robin, “you’ll spoil the whole story!”

    Robin sighed. “Everyone seems to be doing that…”

    “Oh! A journey!” Fozzie said excitedly. “Where are you going?”

    “To the castle at the edge of the kingdom,” Kermit explained, “where I will win the heart of the princess and become king.”

    Fozzie gasped. “You’re going to marry the princess?” he asked. He scrambled to bow down in front of Kermit. “Your majesty!”

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “I’m not king yet,” he said.

    “True,” Fozzie said, hopping up from the ground. “But you know if you do become king you’re going to need a court jester!”

    Kermit scratched his head. “I guess I hadn’t thought of that.”

    “Ahh! See? I can be your advisor too!” Fozzie shouted, throwing his arm around Kermit’s shoulders.

    Kermit looked up at the bear grinning down at him. He smiled. “Okay then,” he said. “I guess you’re now Fozzie Bear, court jester and advisor to King Kermit.”

    Fozzie tilted his head to the side. “Really? That’s all it took?” he asked.

    “Well sure,” Kermit said with a nod. “You seem like a nice bear. That… and I need this horse.”

    The horse tilted his head at Kermit, shrugged (yes, the horse can shrug) and went back to munching on some grass. Fozzie whacked Kermit on the back playfully. “No prob-lem!” he shouted.

    “You’re sure?” Kermit asked. He walked over to the horse as Robin followed. He rubbed the horse’s mane carefully. “Is he in good condition?”

    “Oh I promise Kermit,” Fozzie said, “he’s in great condition! Only used by a little old lady who rode him to the joust every Sunday!”

    Kermit smiled at the horse, the horse blinked at the frog. Kermit shrugged. “What do you think, Robin?”

    “I think it’s a great horse, Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted.

    Kermit smiled. “Alright then, it’s settled!”

    “Ahh! Great!” Fozzie shouted. “Well then, King Kermit, hop on your noble steed and we shall be off on another great adventure!”

    “Erm, Fozzie?” Kermit whispered to the bear as he climbed up on the horse.

    “Yes, o’ King?”

    “We haven’t had any adventures yet!” Kermit said.

    “Oh yeah,” Fozzie said sheepishly.

    Scooter shook his head, grabbed the horse’s reins, and resumed the brave and valiant knight, his nephew, his squire, and his court jester and head advisor began their trek down the dusty road to the castle.
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  12. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Waaaaaaaait a second... How come the omniscient story teller doesn't know where they got cards? ;)

    Anyway. Please excuse me while I laugh. That was awesome, as usual. Fourth wall breakage, and parentheses, and fire, and horse of course... Ah, Prawnie. I do so love your writing.

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
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  13. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    *clappity-claps* Bravo! Bravo! *gives Fozzie a banana and the horse a carrot* ... *giveds Robin a little mini-shield* Aww, how cute! All he needs is a little wooden sword and he's a junior knight!
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  14. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Well-Known Member


    Hilarious, very clever comedy writing, definitely a bright spot in a rainy day!

    Please post more soon!

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  15. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 3

    The road to the castle was both long and arduous. It was filled with dangerous traps, perilous pit stops, and the occasional roadside salesman. Yes, truly, this was a highlight of Kermit, Fozzie, Robin, and Scooter’s adventure towards their new lives.

    Unfortunately, the omniscient storyteller fell asleep during that part of the tale.

    Thankfully, though, he woke up as Kermit and the others emerged from a dense wood and approached a pair of huge, architecturally ornate arches flanked on either side by guards.

    To the right stood a hulking hulk of a monster coated from head to really big toe in dark brown, matted fur. On the left was a significantly smaller, significantly crazy human-like creature with bulging eyes the size of his nose and thick black hair that formed his beard and surrounding mane. He had a wide grin and was constantly twitching. Both guards were wearing bright blue tunics underneath a thin coat of armor.

    “Hi-ho there, ye guards!” Kermit called to the guards as the travelling party approached. He walked in front of the others with Scooter holding the horse by its reins.

    The monster guard stared down at the strange group that was now located somewhere around his waist. “Uh, hi yerself!” he said with a gruff voice that suited his appearance beautifully. The other guard simply laughed in a high-pitched chatter.

    “My name is Kermit the Frog,” Kermit explained. “I am a brave and valiant knight—one who has travelled here from afar to seek the hand of the princess in yonder castle in the bond of eternal love.”

    Robin scampered to the attention of the guards. “He wants to marry her, too!” he shouted happily.

    The monstrous guard bent down and leaned on his bulky knees and smiled at Robin. “Well I’m Sweetums, captain of the guard,” the guard said, “and over there is Crazy Harry,” Sweetums said, motioning to the other guard with his thumb.

    Scooter peered around Fozzie’s shoulder and looked at both guards. “Well one of the names fit,” he said.

    “So will you let us in, Mister Sweetums?” Robin pleaded with the hairy beast.

    Sweetums scratched the top of his head. “Mister? Never heard that one before. But, uh, no, I can’t let ya in… strict order from the Highest Court Advisor—no suitors past noon.”

    “Oh no, Kermit!” Fozzie whined, gripping onto the frog. “We’re too late!”

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “How can you tell?” he asked.

    Sweetums extended his arm down to Kermit’s face and showed him a sundial that was strapped around his wrist. It read (if you can read sundials) quarter after noon.

    “Well that’s handy,” Scooter said.

    “But it’s on his wrist,” Fozzie quipped. “Ahh!”

    Scooter tilted his head to the side and stared at the bear. “Are you sure you’re a comedian?”

    “Not yet,” Fozzie reminded the squire.

    “Are you sure there’s no way you could let us in, mister Sweetums, captain of the guard, sir?” Robin begged.

    Sweetums frowned. “I wish I could, little buddy, but the Highest Court Advisor would have m’ head!”

    “Well,” Kermit said, shocked, “we wouldn’t want that.”

    Robin sighed heavily and kicked up some dirt on the ground. Sweetums’ eyes took a turn for the sappy. “But… if Crazy Harry over there maybe… blew open the gate…” Sweetums muttered.

    “How would he do that?” Fozzie asked curiously. “Does he have that much lung capaci—”

    “Did somebody say blow open?” Crazy Harry screamed, springing from twitchy to tweaking.

    The wild guard cackled as he ran off into the nearby bushes. Kermit and the others exchanged looks briefly before Crazy Harry came running back to the gate, now carrying a large barrel labeled with intimidating black print.

    “What’s he going to—”

    “Ya might wanna take a step back,” Sweetums said.

    Kermit looked up at the monster. “Come again?”

    Sweetums ran forward and wrapped Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Robin, and the horse in his huge arm-span and pushed them back into the woods, tripping, and falling on top of them just before Crazy Harry struck the barrel with a flaming torch and blew open the gate with a force that shook the ground.

    Robin poked his head out from beneath Sweetums’ fur, laughing happily. “Oh, that was so much fun!” he laughed.

    Kermit woozily dug himself out from beneath the monster. “Are you sure it wouldn’t have been easier just to push the doors open…?” he asked before fainting on to the wooded ground.

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Sweetums and Crazy Harry led Kermit and his followers through the blown up gates and down the elegant path towards the castle.

    The sides of the path were decorated on either side by ornate topiaries in the shapes of pigs and frogs.

    “Yeah,” Sweetums bellowed suddenly, making Kermit jump. “The princess has been seeing suitors all day—yer prob’ly walkin’ in on the latest vict—erm… suitor.”

    “Well,” Kermit said, “we don’t want to interrupt anything.”

    “But Kermit,” Fozzie said, “if you’re her one true love, don’t you want to interrupt?”

    Kermit frowned. “Not if it means being rude, Fozzie.”

    “Yeah,” Robin spoke up. “Uncle Kermit is a brave and valiant knight, not a rude knight!”

    “Ya said that already, little fella,” Sweetums told the small frog.

    “Well I have to keep saying it!” Robin declared. “I have to make it clear that my Uncle Kermit is fearless! Why, the sky could fall down right now and my Uncle Kermit wouldn’t even flinch! He wouldn’t even move from that spot!”

    The sound of shattering glass broke the silence. Flying out of a stained glass window on the top floor of the huge castle was something blue falling at a rate expected of something flying through the sky.

    And it was screaming.

    Kermit watched the blue thing’s descent back to earth—watched it all the way to its collision with the frog, knocking him flat on the ground.

    “Ha ha ha!” the blue thing, now distinguished as a long nosed, feathery blue thing wearing a large brown hat and an expensive looking jacket, shouted as he hopped up from the ground. “Whoo! That princess sure knows how to entertain!”

    Sweetums gasped. “Breach in sector twelve!” he shouted. “And Crazy Harry didn’t cause it!” Without another word, the monster and his crazy cohort ran off into the castle.

    Kermit groaned and stepped up from the ground, rubbing his head. “Why me?” he asked with a groan.

    “Why you?” the blue thing asked. “Well I dunno, who are ya?”

    The brave and valiant knight scrunched up his face. “Kermit, Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight,” the frog said.

    “Nice!” the long nosed creature shouted. “I’m The Great Gonzo! Duke of Somewhere in the Land of Wherever!”

    “How very specific,” Scooter interjected.

    “Thanks!” Gonzo said, whipping around to face Scooter. “And who are you?”

    “Scooter, the squire,” Scooter said. “That’s Fozzie, the struggling bear comedian,” Scooter pointed to Fozzie, who wiggled his ears, “and Robin, Kermit’s nephew.”

    “It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” Gonzo said, half bowing.

    “So you say you’re a duke?” Scooter asked.

    “Duke of Somewhere, yes,” Gonzo said with a nod.

    “Well then why’re you tryin’ to marry a princess?” the inquisitive squire asked.

    “Ah,” Gonzo said, “good question. It was an arranged marriage.”

    “Oh,” Kermit said, “by your parents?”

    “No, by her,” Gonzo said. “Before I could even ask her to marry me, she arranged to have me thrown out of the castle—literally! Ha ha!”

    “Ahh!” Fozzie shouted, whacking Gonzo on his back, tripping him slightly. “That’s funny!”

    Kermit frowned. “No it’s not,” he said, “nor does it make any sense!”

    “That’s the philosophy I live by!” Gonzo declared.

    Robin giggled. “I’m learning so much today, Uncle Kermit!” he said.

    “Fantastic…” Kermit said with a frown.

    “So why are you here?” Gonzo asked, looking Kermit from flipper to goggly-eyes. “Are you the princess’s swimming instructor or something?”

    Kermit scrunched up his face again. “Not exactly…”

    “No, no,” Fozzie said, wrapping his fuzzy arm around Kermit. “Ya see, Kermit here, is going to marry the princess and become king!”

    “Aw, Fozzie,” Kermit said sheepishly. (If he wasn’t a frog, he would’ve been blushing.)

    “And I, I will be his loyal and dedicated court jester and court advisor!” Fozzie continued.

    “You will?” Gonzo asked, his yellow eyelids extending to the back of his head in excitement. “That’s great! What can I be?”

    Kermit pulled a quick double take. “You?”

    “Yeah!” Gonzo declared. “What other mes do you know?”

    “I don’t even know you!” Kermit said.

    “In all fairness, boss,” Scooter said, “ya just met Fozzie a few hours ago.”

    The frog frowned. “Yes, but he gave us a horse,” Kermit argued.

    Gonzo observed the horse standing behind Scooter. “And what a stunning creature it is, too!”

    The horse blinked at the goofy blue thing, shrugged (remember, the horse can shrug), and carried on chewing on a topiary bush.

    “So, Kermit, what can I be in your reign?” Gonzo asked.

    Kermit sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “What do you want to be?”

    “The authority on all affairs both foreign and weird!” Gonzo said without skipping a beat.

    Kermit tilted his head to the side. “Somehow I think that’s the perfect fit for you, Gonzo.”

    “Great!” Gonzo said with a laugh. “When do I start?”

    “I haven’t even seen the princess yet!” Kermit said.

    “You haven’t?” Gonzo asked. “…Good luck!”

    “What’s that supposed to—”

    The drawbridge crashed and landed over the moat, opening a large entrance to the castle.

    “When did that moat get there?” Scooter asked.

    A large blue bird with a single eyebrow and baggy eyes wearing a hat with a large, red feather and a blue uniform emerged across the drawbridge and stared down at Kermit. “Are you the brave and valiant knight here now to see the princess?” the bird asked.

    Kermit squirmed. “Erm… yes?”

    The bird peered down his beak and glared at the frog. “How disappointing,” he sighed. “Follow me, please.”

    Kermit shrugged and started to follow the bird as he about faced and headed into the castle. Fozzie, Scooter, Robin, Gonzo, and the horse began to follow.

    The bird whipped around quickly and glared at the followers. “And where do you think you are going?”

    They all exchanged glances. Fozzie scratches his head. “Umm… into the castle?”

    “I do not think so,” the bird shouted. “This is a very exclusive meeting! No… commoners allowed!”

    “But I’m a duke!” Gonzo declared.

    The bird stared at Gonzo. “Did we not already toss you out?” he asked.

    “Yeah!” Gonzo said. “Could ya do it again?”

    The eagle frowned. “No. Now stay here.”

    Behind one of the topiaries, two eyes sitting atop red eye stalks peeked through the neatly trimmed green leaves and watched Kermit and the finely trimmed eagle disappear inside the castle. “A brave and valiant knight, huh? Ya hear that, Clueless? Monty?” a raspy, conniving voice asked from behind the bush.

    The sound of crunching leaves led to the appearance of a dim-witted goat with a long, gray snout and two horns as he poked his head through a hole in the topiary that he just ate. “I heard it, Polly, but all I see are two frogs, a bear, and a squire—oh, and two royal guards.”

    “Royal guards?” a burly, dark green monster shouted, poking his huge head through the remaining section of the sculpted bush. “I hate royal guards! Can we kill ‘em?”

    “Sure, we can,” the voice behind the red-stalked eyes said, “but we won’t, ‘cause the boss’ll kill us!”

    “Oh,” the goat said, “and then we’d be dead, right Polly?”

    “Exactly,” Polly, the slithery-voiced creature said. “Now c’mon, the boss’ll wanna hear about this one! Heh heh!”

    “Do we have to?” the green monster asked. “This bush is very, very comfortable!”

    “Yes! Now come on!” Polly shouted, dragging the goat and the monster away from the bush.
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  16. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Ooh, I spy piratical villainy things. And a Gonzo thing. And the horse can still shrug. And Sweetums. And Robin is adorable. (Of course.) <Snuggles da Prawnie> Is a good chapter. Is a good night. I'm still high on an inspirational speech. And I love you Prawnie! <more snuggles> MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
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  17. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Another great chapter! Loving this story Prawnie!
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  18. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Well-Known Member

    As I said before, LOVING THIS!

    Don't you hate it when that happens? haha, brilliant way to speed up the story, it reminds me of princess bride; love it!

    very true, can't skimp on the politeness while trying to find your true love I always say! ;)


    I thought it was funny, Fozzie, don't worry! :)

    Uh-oh! what are those pesky pirates up to now? Possible appearance by the great Tim Curry?

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  19. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <poke poke poke>


    <poke poke>


    And to think how EXCITED you were to post this... How many MONTHS you were looking FORWARD to this story... And now... <sigh> Here it lies, untouched for so long...

    Don't you DARE go abandoning stories, Duke of Chutney! That is an ORDER from the QUEEN! I mean, honestly--ABANDONING stories! Who do you think you are? ME?
    Don't answer that.

    It is FAR too complicated.


    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Come on come on come on I wanna see how these pirate guys play into it and meet the princess and I LOVE the guards and come ON! ROBIN is in this story! You can't just leave me hanging HERE... PLEEEEEEASE!
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  20. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    *blink* Well. I say. ...I'll try to have something up soon. ;) *glomps Lisa*
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