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Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, Oct 23, 2008.
YAY! <is glomped>
Uncle D cackling at der Lisa left hanging by Prawny's non-postage of storyness. Update your own my pretty, and we can avoid the entirely messy affair of having you dipped in the moat below. Mwahahahaha! *Hears moaning from Prawn in the dungeon that is his locked room. Quiet you, you know the penalty for not adding to your tall tales of Muppetdom.
...<Examines the moat below>
You gotta be KIDDING me. You're gonna dip me in THAT? Come on... It's not even a BIG moat. Skinny little thing, that. Doesn't look too deep, either. I can see the bottom from here. Y'know why? There's not even any water in it! Nor is there lava. No skeletons, either, that I can see... Unless they're buried, in which case, that moat is far too respectful of its victims. At least you've got some nice sharp sticks down there... those would hurt. But no man-eating creatures... <shakes head> Tsk tsk. You improve this moat, and I'll see about my story. And Prawnie, there! ...Post.
Uncle D: Well, what would you prefer... Human-eating alligators, sharks, pirahnas, a kraken or hydra, or the very special snapping turtles? The pleasure of picking is yours.
And we haven't added the water yet because we're, erm, conserving water? Wouldn't want the stank of it attracting mosquitos, we'd be overrun by pesky frogs thinking the place is nothing but an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Yes, yes... the Princess is growing weary of waiting, O noble Duke. Please, share more of your tale with the people so that they, too, might be delighted in your tale of romance and merriment.
... now, if you'll excuse me, I'm needed in another castle. =P
Kermit was taken aback by the vast architecture present within the castle. The blue eagle led him through halls with huge ceilings adorned with glimmering suits of armor and frescoes along the walls.
“As you can see, brave and valiant knight,” the extremely proper eagle said to Kermit without looking back at him, “we have decorated our castle with the finest paintings and other memorabilia from the Baroque period.”
Kermit peered ahead of the eagle at a pile of multi-colored glass shards. He gulped loudly. “That sure is ba-roke!” he said, pointing to the glass.
The eagle glared down at Kermit. “How very droll,” he said.
Kermit shrugged. “I’ve been hanging around with the bear,” he said. “What happened to that window?”
“The last suitor,” the eagle said.
Kermit did a double take and shot a frightened look at the ornately decorated bird. “What?”
“Yes,” said the eagle, looking at a piece of parchment he held. “The Great… Gonzo, Duke of… Wherever.”
Kermit gulped again. “Did he… jump?”
“Heavens no!” the eagle shouted. Kermit wiped his head and sighed with relief. “The princess tossed him through the window.”
The brave and valiant knight squirmed. “Oh yeah… I forgot.”
Kermit realized he’d lagged behind the eagle leading him and ran to catch up. “Erm, what exactly is this princess like anyhow?”
“Ah, the princess!” the eagle said proudly. “She is gorgeous, she is strong-willed, she is decisive, she is ruthless, she is level-headed, she is—”
“She is extremely complicated,” Kermit said. “Should I be taking notes?”
The eagle glared down at the frog. “Probably.”
Kermit was growing more and more nervous about meeting this princess with every step down the long corridor. “Right… well… erm, who are you?” he asked the stalwart, blue bird.
The eagle gasped. “I beg your pardon, o’ brave and valiant knight! My sincerest apologies! I am Sam Eagle, Highest Court Advisor,” he said proudly.
“Ah,” Kermit said with a quick nod. “Pleasure to meet you, Sam. I’m Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight.” He extended his hand for Sam to shake.
Sam looked down his prominent beak at the frog’s hand. “Yes, I know,” he said.
“Oh,” Kermit said sheepishly. “Sorry.”
“Come along then!” Sam shouted. “We are approaching the throne room!”
Kermit shook nervously. “We are?”
“Yes, of course,” Sam said. “We’re running out of castle to walk in.”
On cue, a massive door appeared before Kermit and Sam. “Is… is the throne room in there?” the frog asked.
“Indeed,” Sam said. “Now, before you enter there are some things we must take care of.”
“Stand up straight!” Sam shouted, forcibly adjusting Kermit so he was no longer slouching. “No gaping!” Sam closed Kermit’s mouth. “You are about to meet a princess!” Sam was dusting Kermit off with his wing. “Watch what you say—avoid contractions, do not mention shovels, start every sentence with ‘Your Majesty,’ and throw in a compliment to the princess at the end—might I suggest her waist line? The princess has been working out lately. Any questions?”
“Please submit all questions in writing and mail to the castle’s PO Box.” Sam looked at a sundial watch on his wrist. “Unfortunately, that is all the time we have. Please enjoy your meeting with the princess—and follow the rules!”
The doors opened loudly and Sam pushed Kermit inside.
The doors slammed behind Kermit. He looked around. The only light in the seemingly huge room was shining down upon a massive stairwell in the center of the room. At the very top sat a throne facing away from Kermit with two large torches adorning both sides.
Kermit gulped. “Good grief,” he said nervously.” H-hello? …Sam? Sweetums? Hello?”
“State your name,” a booming yet gentle voice told the frog.
“I—I’m Kermit… Kermit the Frog,” Kermit explained, “brave and valiant knight. I… I have travelled from afar to seek your hand in marriage and become your king!”
“Well, aren’t we confident,” the voice said. The throne on top whipped around suddenly and the princess faced Kermit.
She was beautiful, that was obvious even from atop the huge staircase. She was also a pig—that was obvious too. Her silky golden hair rested easily on her shoulders in long, carefully woven curls. Her blue eyes pierced through the darkness of most of the room. A humble tiara sat upon her head and she wore a shining red cape and a lavish red dress and, finally, a pair of silk purple gloves.
The princess rose from her chair slowly and glanced down at her suitor for the first time.
He was green, that much was certain. He was also a hunk, the princess definitely knew that.
She didn’t, however, realize that her mouth had fallen agape.
Kermit didn’t notice that, but he did notice the glowing twinkle in the princess’s eye. He took a deep breath. “Hi-ho,” he said finally. “Erm—Your Majesty!” he added quickly with a half-bow.
The princess laughed airily. “Hello short, green, and—” she chuckled, “—handsome!”
“Uh, uh,” Kermit searched for words. “I’m—I’m Kermit and, well… Sheesh…”
The princess tossed her hair behind her shoulders. “What’s the matter? Frog in your—”
Before the princess could complete her brutally obvious joke, she had taken a step forward.
Unfortunately, she missed the first step.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the princess screamed as she tumbled down the stairs, bouncing along each one.
Kermit flinched each time she hit a stair and jumped out of the way when she landed at the base with a thud on her snout.
Lights shot on all around the room, revealing the rest of the lavishly decorated throne area. “No, no, cut! Cut!”
Kermit bravely and valiantly helped the princess to her feet and then looked around the throne room, extremely confused. “What the hey?”
Sam rushed forward and grabbed the princess from Kermit’s hands, dusting her off. “Your Majesty, are you alright? Did you hurt your perfectly sculpted figure?”
The princess shook her head violently, getting her hair out of her face. “I’m fine, thanks,” she yanked her arms out of Sam’s wings. “This brave and valiant knight saved moi.”
“Your Majesty, forgive me, but that is completely ridiculous!” Sam said with a scoff. “This foolish green fellow could not even follow the simplest rules! My, your hair looks lovely!”
Kermit tilted his head to the side. “I beg your pardon?”
“Do not act like I did not inform you of all the necessary rules and guidelines for addressing Her Majesty!” Sam said with a flustered tone. He removed his hat and bowed to the princess. “My sincerest and humblest apologies for bringing you this less-than suitable suitor Majesty, allow me to—”
“Quiet, feather face,” the princess growled at her advisor. “Moi hath foundeth her suitor.”
Kermit and Sam did a double take in unison (a quadruple take?) and stared at the princess. “You have?” they both asked.
“Mmhm,” she said with a slow nod.
Sam flung himself forward and began kissing the princess’s hand. “Tell us, o’ ruler of the kingdom, o’ porcine goddess of young men’s fantasies, o’—”
The piggy princess yanked her gloved hand away from Sam’s pecking beak. “O’, shut up!” she shouted at the bird, rolling her eyes. “Moi has chosen the cute little green hunk standing before us: Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight!”
Kermit gulped in disbelief. “Me? …Really?” he asked softly. “Y-you mean I get to be king and… and help people?”
The princess stared at her king-to-be awkwardly. “Well sure, if you’re into that sort of thing,” she said.
Kermit didn’t hear the princess’s comment as he stared into space, lost in his thoughts. “Me… King… Helping people… making people… happy,” the frog, and future king mumbled.
“Not so fast,” Sam Eagle said sternly. “Your Majesty, as your Highest Court Advisor, I must advise against this pairing.”
“Oh, here we go,” the princess groaned, rolling her eyes.
“Your Highness, I must remind you of my choice for your suitor,” Sam said, “the all-around better choice.”
“Hmph, yeah right!” the princess said. “It is obviously the worst choice because it is your choice!”
Kermit looked back and forth from the pig to the eagle as they bickered. “Um, excuse me?”
“What?” Sam and the princess both shouted.
Kermit scrunched down. “Erm… do I get to become king… or not?” he asked innocently.
“Unfortunately, mister Frog,” Sam said, “this marriage is completely illegal.”
The brave and valiant knight scrunched up his face. “You just couldn’t make this easy on me, could ya?” Kermit asked.
“Of course not,” Sam said. “That would make for a ridiculously short story!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Polly, the slithery-voiced red lobster, Mad Monty, the burly green monster, and Clueless Morgan, the dim-witted goat, ascended a looming staircase contained within a dark tower.
Monty carried a torch, illuminating a few feet of space in front of and behind him.
The trio was, most certainly, arguing about something.
“Whadaya mean ya lost the key to the boss’s lair?” Polly shouted at Clueless. “How are we gonna get in now?”
“More importantly,” Clueless said with a voice that you could tell didn’t have much thought springing from it, “how is the boss gonna get out?”
Polly whacked Clueless upside the head with his left claw, his good claw (he had a hook in place of his right claw [long story]). “You nit-wit! The boss can’t get out! He’s cursed, remember?” Polly said.
“Oh. Right,” Clueless said. “Then why can’t he just unlock the door for us from the inside?”
“The doorknob is the cursded part!” Polly shouted (he basically shouts all the time). “He can’t touch the doorknob or he’ll die!”
“Isn’t he already dead?” Mad Monty asked.
“No!” Polly scolded. “Well… sort of. Maybe. I’m not sure. We could ask him—if Clueless hadn’t lost the key!”
“Oh, the key?” Clueless asked, sounding like he had maybe, possibly had a slight realization. “I thought you said the brie!”
“Why would I be talkin’ about cheese at a time like d’is?” Polly shouted angrily.
Clueless shrugged. “I’m hungry.”
Polly groaned. “Do ya have the key, or not?” Polly asked.
“Yup, right here!” Clueless said, reaching down the front of his shirt and pulling out a key on a string tied around his neck.
“Good!” Polly shouted, jumping up and clipping the key from Clueless’s neck and holding it in his claw. “Unlock the door, Monty!” he shouted, tossing the key to the green monster.
Monty sighed. “But I’m holding the torch!” he whined.
“Just do it!” Polly demanded.
The threesome stopped in front of an old, intimidating wooden door. On the far right side was a sleek, black doorknob (well… more of a handle, really) with an ornate design and jagged edges. Above the handle was a small key hole.
Mad Monty unlocked the door and it slowly crept open, squeaking ominously.
The room was dark. Completely dark. Not even Monty’s torch illuminated inside the pitch black room. There were no windows, no lanterns, nothing that could be seen.
“B-b-boss?” Polly called into the room, chattering. “A-anybody home?”
“I thought you said he couldn’t leave?” Clueless whispered to Polly.
“Shut up!” Polly hissed. “Uh, boss? We, uh, we’ve got news! About the princess! She’s taken a suitor!”
A gust of wind from nowhere suddenly blew through the open doorway. It extinguished Monty’s torch and blew back the fur on Clueless and Monty. Polly gripped onto Clueless’s tunic so he wasn’t blown down the stairs.
The wind ceased just as quickly as it had appeared. As it stopped, torches around the room ignited with light blue flames, illuminating the small, circular room.
It was cluttered, to say the least. Heaps of junk scattered against every wall, tattered frescoes hanging, depicting ancient magicians and mythical creatures. The only thing that stood stalwart in the room was a small wooden table in the center with a red cloth with golden lining draped over the top. Sitting on top of the cloth was a glowing ball of crystal.
Polly, Clueless, and Mad Monty cautiously entered the room. “Huh,” Polly said, looking around, “the boss did some cleaning.”
Clueless, being, well, clueless, approached the crystal ball. “Ooh… pretty light,” he said, laughing stupidly. He reached his hand out slowly to caress the side of the ball.
The crystal ball was suddenly surrounded by sparks of electricity (which, if you’re keeping track, hasn’t been discovered yet), blowing back the hand of the goat. He wailed, and stuck his charred hand in his mouth.
“Stay away from my crystal ball, you impudent boob!” shouted a booming, intimidating voice from somewhere within the room.
Two piercing yellow slits of eyes opened just above the crystal ball, caked in shadow.
“Geez, boss, ya scared us!” Polly said.
“Good,” the frightening voice said. The eyes rose as their body did. The creature stepped forward.
He was a phantom, perhaps part dragon, definitely part hideous beast. The blue of his scaly skin was not a cheerful sky or ocean blue, but a bleak, ghostly blue that screamed terror. His face looked to be carved from jagged stone, with a long snout adorned with a scraggly beard and whiskers. His eyes were curved in the middle, completely black aside from the two yellow slits. Long, curved horns adorned the back of his head and jagged yellow teeth were scattered around his mouth. The beast wore a cloak of sleek black with a violet glow. In one of his sharp, clawed hands he clutched a beat up old stick. A long, spiked tail exuded from underneath his cloak and swayed menacingly as he walked towards his three minions.
“So,” he said, “tell me about this suitor.”
“He’s a frog, Uncle Deadly!” Polly said quickly. “Apparently a brave and valiant knight!”
The beast, Uncle Deadly, showed interest in his expression for the first time since the trio entered his lair. “A frog?” he asked. “Go on.”
“Yeah, yeah!” Polly said with a nod. “And he seemed pretty confident that he could win the heart of the princess!”
“Or at least his friends were confident,” Mad Monty interjected.
“Exactly!” Polly said.
Uncle Deadly stroked his beard with his free hand. “Very interesting,” he said. “Do you know what this means?”
Clueless scratched his head. “It means we’ll have to buy them a wedding present.”
“No, you twit!” Deadly growled. “It means that I may have my chance to reclaim the throne!”
Polly, Clueless, and Monty exchanged confused glances.
Uncle Deadly sighed heavily. “Do I have to explain… again?” he asked.
“Yes, please,” Monty said.
The blue creature rubbed his eyes in frustration with his free hand. “Alright, but listen carefully this time!”
Uncle Deadly cleared his throat. “Many years ago, my own brother reigned as ruler of the kingdom—”
“The king,” Polly whispered to Clueless.
“Yes,” Deadly hissed, “the king. I, being the younger, and much more handsome and talented of the two brothers, was relegated to princely status while my brother ruled. Now, being a prince is not nearly as entertaining as it sounds—actually it’s incredibly boring, so I took up a hobby.”
“Needle-point?” Clueless asked.
“Hop-scotch?” Monty inquired.
“Gardening?” Polly wondered.
“No!” Uncle Deadly shouted. “Dark magic!”
“Ohh,” the three goof-balls said in unison.
“I trained myself in the skills of dark magic in the secrecy of this very tower,” Deadly continued. “My brother and the rest of the court had no idea what I was capable of. Until that fateful day…”
“Christmas?” Clueless asked.
“Shut up!” Deadly shouted. “No… my brother’s birthday. I gave him a gift he would never forget…”
“Ooh, a pony?” Mad Monty asked with a hopeful tone.
“Unbelievable…” Uncle Deadly said with a sigh. “No! I turned his wife, the queen, into a frog!”
Polly, Clueless, and Monty all gasped in unison.
“Of course… my brother would have none of that and had me banished from the kingdom,” Uncle Deadly said. “I didn’t think that plan through very well…”
“Obviously,” Polly muttered.
“Quiet!” Deadly hissed. “Although I was banished from the kingdom, my brother was still torn apart. He refused to stay married to an amphibian and cast her out of the kingdom as well. We met at a pub a few weeks later and hit it off. We soon fell in love.”
“With a frog?” Polly asked. “Gross.”
“She was beautiful!” Uncle Deadly continued, uninterrupted. “And she loved me—but, alas, our marriage was forbidden! My own brother had decreed that it was illegal for anyone in the royal family to marry within the amphibian species!”
“What a weird law,” Polly said.
“I knew that if I wanted to marry my beloved I had to overthrow my brother and become king myself,” Uncle Deadly said.
“How’d that go?” Clueless asked.
Uncle Deadly glared at the goat. “As is evidenced by my current curs-ed position within this dreadful tower… not well. I was thwarted in my plan by a wizard my brother had hired, who cursed me to remaining in this tower for the rest of my life—but he also cursed me with immortality… I give the guy credit for being cruel.
“Alas, my brother declared that the curse upon me would not be broken unless a member of the royal family did marry a frog, and in order to do that the frog must bypass the law by completing some ridiculous challenge,” Uncle Deadly explained. “Now my brother’s decrepit twin sons hold the throne, and the princess is their adopted child. So I await here in my castle for a day that will never come… for who could ever learn to love… a frog?”
The torches nearest Uncle Deadly clicked off magically as if a spotlight went off above the beastly performer.
Polly, Clueless, and Monty applauded and cheered. Clueless whistled. “Bravo!” he shouted. “Bravo! Entrée! Entrée!”
“Encore, stupid!” Polly hissed.
“Encore, stupid!” Clueless repeated.
The torches flickered back on instantly and Uncle Deadly stepped forward. “That, my fiends, is why I’m so very interested in this suitor to the princess,” he said, walking over to his crystal ball. “Let’s watch the fun, shall we?”
COOL! Uncle Deadly's in this, too!
... and, uh... *ahem!* Isn't there something you've forgotten, Prawnie? Something important?
((Note: I am writing this away from my own laptop. Other than this, I have very LIMITED Internet acess. I'll be back Friday evening!))
Another great chapter!
Love the whole backstory with Uncle Deadly, and totally love the Beauty and the Beast reference, "For who could learn to love a frog?" LOVED IT!
Keep up the great work, eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
Okay... Now I'm more interested in this than when I read everything before. Rully intrigued in the former queen of the kingdom... And if it can help bring about a dragon's liberation, well, I'm for that too. Now post more or suffer my mamma's wrathery.
OH! Yes I DID forget something VERY important! I'm sorry, Cait!
Miss Caitlyn helped me immensely with a few lines during Sam's scene with Kermit. She helped at some funny to an increasingly boring chapter... so I owe her for that and I promised I'd give her a mention. Thanks again, Cait!
You're Welcome, Prawnie!
Now, if youo'll excuse me... *watches TV intently for Kermit*
<GLOMPS THE PRAWN!>
I knew I was missing something by not going online at all yesterday.
And whaddaya mean, BORING chapter? It was GREAT! FANTASTICABULOUS descriptions, my dear Half! FANTASTICABULOUS! And Deadly's intro, and--OOH, and PIGGY! Falling! Reminiscent of her grand entrance in MTI, no? And classic Miss Piggy, besides. And and and THE PARENTHESES! (You KNOW I'm a fan of your parentheses.) And the brackets, too! I love it. Keeping track of electricity... Polly's hook... Yes. And and and... there was other stuff I wanted to say... Beauty and the Beast reference! And and and CLUELESS! You write him so well. Entree! Encore, stupid! Perfect. And key/brie... WONDERFUL chapter! Where is this BORING you speak of?
MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Prawnie! LOVE IT! From the joke about the Baroque period to the piggy princess to Clueless Morgan and Polly to Uncle Deadly. Must read more!
A bobbling, mustachioed chef adorned in all-blue cooking attire, including a floppy blue chef’s hat, took a silver platter scattered with crumbs from the lap of the princess. The Chef looked at the princess through his bushy, eye-encompassing eyebrows, past his large pink nose. “Ya hoots de leeky da stoo?” the man asked.
The princess stared down at the Castle Chef. “Translation!” she shouted.
Highest Court Advisor Sam Eagle rushed forward. “He simply asked if you enjoyed the stew, Your Majesty,” he said quickly. “Or he asked if you wanted a new hairdo… Erm…”
‘Whatever,” the princess said, rolling her pearly blue eyes and dismissing the Chef.
The bumbling Swede dropped the platter on a wooden cart and rolled it out, humming a jolly tune as he went.
The princess reached over to Sam and grabbed a piece of cloth hanging around his very stiff neck and used it to wipe her lips. The look on Sam’s face was, needless to say, priceless. (Who would put a price on a face?) (Unless of course it was my face.) (…Ladies?)
The ever distinguished royal pig cleared her throat daintily and turned her attention (and her eyes) to the little green suitor waiting patiently for her to finish her noble lunch of stew he didn’t want to know the ingredients of.
“Now,” the princess said, “where were we, hmm?”
Kermit’s face squirmed slightly as he shifted his weight. “You were about to tell me why I can’t marry you,” he said sadly.
“Oh yeah,” the princess said, switching her gaze to Sam (also switching from a gaze to a glare). “Why can’t he marry me, baldy?”
Sam whipped out a scroll from somewhere inside his coat and cleared his throat. “You know the law, your grace, and I quote, ‘No member of the royal family shall wed-eth thine creature of froggy nature—even if he be-eth a brave and valiant knight,” Sam read proudly.
The princess extended her bottom lip in front of her snout in annoyance. “Well what if the member of the royal family and thine creature of froggy nature share the bond of true love?” she asked, throwing her arms back for dramatic effect. (Kermit twitched nervously at the mention of true love this early on in the relationship—which consisted, at this point, of about thirty spoken words and a lift from the ground.)
“Umm…” Sam scanned over the words printed on the scroll. “Ah! Here we are: ‘Even the bond of true love does not maketh this law null and void—nor void and null, if the argument arises.’”
“Well that’s dumb,” the princess said, planting her chin in her open palm.
Sam gulped loudly.
Kermit and the princess turned their eyes to the eagle. “What?” they both asked in unison.
Sam’s eyes shifted between pig and frog. “Erm… fine print,” he mumbled.
The princess gasped happily. “Ooh! Read it, Sam, read it!” she said cheerfully.
“Erm, there is nothing important—just… stipulations on what differentiates a frog and a toad. Definitely not important in this—”
“Just read it, bird brain!” the princess demanded.
Sam sighed heavily. “P.S. If the froggy party can complete the utterly ridiculous task of locating the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV and return said chalice to the pedestal of insomniac royals, thus finally putting to sleep the souls of years of crabby relatives, then, and only then, may the froggy party marry into the royal family.”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “That is a ridiculous task,” he said.
The princess swooned. “Oh, Kermie, do vous know what this means?” she asked.
“Kermie?” Kermit asked, scratching his head.
“It means that vous and moi can get married after all!” the princess declared. “Oh! This is so exciting! I have to tell everyone—Ooh! We’ll need a cake! And I’ll need a new dress—”
“Not so fast!” Sam interrupted. “You seem to be forgetting something, princess.”
“Hmm?” the princess asked, looking at Sam innocently. “Oh! You’re right! The guest list!”
Sam frowned. “No,” he said simply. “You’re forgetting my choice for your suitor.”
The princess stopped her jubilant display. “What? Oh no… not him!”
Kermit looked from princess to advisor. “Erm… him?” he asked.
“Yes,” Sam said, “him.” He turned his head towards another door in the large throne room. “Oh, Beauregard!” he called out.
A dark brown… lump dressed in red and yellow tights and a hat with bells dangling off it ran in, jingling as he ran. “Yes, sir?” he asked Sam as he approached.
Kermit frowned. “Him?” he asked.
“Of course not,” Sam said. “Beauregard, please fetch the suitor!” the eagle declared proudly.
Beauregard the Court Jester scratched his head. “The suit or what?” he asked.
Sam came down of his proud cloud and stared at the jester. “The suitor!” he shouted, garnering a less than comprehensive look from Beauregard. “…The pig!”
“She’s right over there!” Beau said proudly, pointing to the princess.
The Highest Court Advisor sighed heavily. “The rich handsome fellow!”
“Ohhh,” Beau said, nodding slowly. “He’s right over there,” he said, pointing to Kermit, who jumped back nervously.
Sam smacked his head with his wing. “Never mind, I’ll fetch him myself!” he said.
Beauregard scratched his head again. “But you’re not a poochie!” he said as Sam walked off angrily.
Kermit shook his head and turned his attention back to the princess. “Erm, excuse me, Your Majesty?” he said to the prissy piggy.
The princess, who was imagining what a ring would look like on her finger, looked up with a jolt. “Ah ha ha—umm… yes, short, green, and handsome?”
Kermit looked down at his feet in embarrassment. “Uh… What’s your name?” he asked.
The princess almost fell out of her chair again. “Moi’s name?” she asked. “Didn’t you read it in the flyer?”
Kermit would’ve blinked if he could’ve. “What flyer?”
The princess shook her head. “Never mind,” she said. “Moi am Miss Piggy. Princess of this kingdom, black belt in karate, and a darn good kisser.”
Kermit squirmed uneasily. “Ah… I’m sure,” he said with a nod.
“Are vous a good kisser too, mon froggy?” the princess asked slyly.
“I… uh… I don’t… What?” he asked after stuttering.
“This simply will not do!” Piggy declared, stepping down from her throne (the much shorter incarnation). “I must test this before I make any decisions to have you as moi’s suitor.”
Kermit pulled back his face as Miss Piggy lunged towards him, wrapping him in her arms. “Uh—well, Miss Piggy, you see—Erm… it’s just that—What about Beauregard?” Kermit sputtered.
“He won’t tell,” Piggy said, leaning in towards the frog.
Kermit gulped loudly.
“Ooh, is she trying to make the froggy turn into a prince?” an incredibly dumb sounding voice asked, filling the room and breaking the moment.
Piggy released Kermit suddenly, forcing him to scramble to hold his footing. “He had something in his teeth!” she shouted defensively, whipping around to see who had entered.
Kermit took a peek behind Piggy and watched Sam lead in a tall, well-chiseled blonde pig adorned in purple princely attire and wearing a short brown cape with tall brown boots, followed fiercely by a much shorter, much older pig with flabby cheeks, beady eyes, and glasses.
“Introducing Prince Link Hoghtrob and his royal advisor, Dr. Julius Strangepork,” Sam said proudly.
“I’m actually the prince formerly known as prince,” Link told Sam.
Strangepork shook his head with a sigh. “No he’s not…” he mumbled with a thick Irish accent.
Kermit looked up at Miss Piggy. “Him?” he asked again.
Piggy groaned and covered her eyes in embarrassment. “Unfortunately…” she grumbled.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Back in his dark tower, Uncle Deadly cackled wickedly (how else can you cackle?). “Oh boys, this is perfect!” he declared. “It’s almost too easy!”
Polly sighed. “It’s never too easy,” he mumbled.
“Go, my minions! Sneak into the throne room and follow the frog on this ridiculous quest!” Uncle Deadly ordered.
Clueless, Mad Monty, and Polly exchanged looks of confusion. “Why?” Clueless asked finally.
Uncle Deadly stared at his underlings. “Did you miss the entire back story?” he asked.
“Of course not!” Mad Monty said. “It was such a lovely performance. Will you be doing Hamlet anytime soon?”
“Yes, next month, but that is beside the point,” Uncle Deadly said. The three goofs stared at the blue wizard with blank expressions. He sighed. “Must I repeat it?”
“If you wouldn’t mind,” Clueless said innocently.
“Of course not,” Uncle Deadly said. “Anything for a performance!” he said sincerely. “Lights!” he shouted, causing the blue flames to dim, casting a shadow upon most of his figure.
An unseen piano started playing in low-key.
“When father dear was dying on the throne,” Uncle Deadly sang with a melancholy tone.
“He gave away his precious stuff and things
I got his stamp collection
And some of the affection
But the kingdom went to—Oh! You know who the kingdom went to!” Deadly said mournfully.
“My brother’s reign as king was blissfully despicable!
‘Cause glamour, glitz, and style were cast aside!
So I learned some black magic—
Yes, oopise, my bad!
Yes, I mutilated, maimed, and destroyed—
Just a tad!
For that I get banished?
But me, oh no, I’m not mad…
There’s just one little thing that I want
One teeny, tiny thing that I want:
“I want the good times back,” Deadly sang.
“I want those grand ol’ days!
I want the twisted nights
Full of sick delights
And wild par-tays!
I want that eagle fried, the jester’s hide
And all of the guards goodbye’d—
Not because I’m mean or selfish—”
“No!” Polly shouted defensively.
“Of course not!” Clueless added.
“I only want what’s mine!” Deadly continued.
“I want disgusting wealth!
I want exquisite glee!
Want the entire world
To worship me
On bended knee!
I want to greet my loving subjects
And then have them as a snack!
Remember those good times?”
Clueless and Monty shook their heads. “No… not really,” Clueless said.
“I want them back!” Uncle Deadly hissed. “Picture it, boys! Soon, I’ll be back on top! Giving orders, making laws, torturing prisoners! Bah ha ha ha! That dreaded law is the only thing that stands in my way! Now I just have to cheat this ridiculous little contest and I’m in! Come now, boys! Sing with me!”
“You’ll bring the good times back,” Polly, Clueless, and Monty sang, dancing a quick two step and forming into a line in front of Uncle Deadly.
“Resume your creepy fun!
Restore the joyful charm
Of causing harm to everyone!”
Uncle Deadly scooted out around front of the kick-line. “I want to make the kingdom cower
Like it never has before
Sure, it’s sheer abuse of power—”
“Oh?” Monty asked.
“Yes! That’s what power’s for!” Deadly shouted menacingly.
“I want to taste their tears!
I want to hear their screams!
I want the special rush
You get from crushing
Hopes and dreams!”
“It’s more than simply sentimental—” the three minions sang.
“It’s an aphrodisiac!”
“Remember those good times!”
“Oh god, were they good times!”
“It’s time for more good times!”
“Let’s get ‘em back!” Uncle Deadly declared.
“Now that I have a way
I’ll make her pay!
I’ll set that princess straight!”
“Poison?” Clueless asked.
“Sure,” Polly said with a shrug.
“Blackmail?” Monty asked.
“Why not?” Polly asked rhetorically.
“That frog!” Uncle Deadly reminded the idiots.
“Maybe…” Polly, Clueless, and Monty said.
“No!” Deadly shouted. “That’s it! That’s my way in!”
“But how, boss?” Polly asked. “It just don’t seem logical like!”
Uncle Deadly grinned an evil grin in Polly’s direction. “I’ll stalk that little frog!
Yes boys, I’ll stalk him bad!
I’ll trace him near and far
On and off radar
Until he’s found the chalice!
“Yes, I may show too much malice
But once he returns to the palace—
One way or another—”
“Surprise!” Clueless shouted.
“I’ll spring the trap!” Deadly sang.
“And get the good times back!
I mean with all the perks!
The princess, frog, the throne—
All mine alone!
The whole **** works!”
Polly, Clueless, and Monty gasped. “Boss!” Polly scolded. “You can’t say d’at!”
Uncle Deadly glared at the three of them and continued his song without missing a beat. “But most of all, I want to avenge
That wife of mine—the froggy girl—
I’ll set this kingdom on a whirl!
Fellas, it’s my time!
And frankly, it’s high time!
Those fabulous good times…”
“Came back!” Uncle Deadly harmonized with Polly, Clueless, and Mad Monty, holding the last word.
Uncle Deadly pushed his three lackeys toward the door. “Now go! Get me those good times back!” he shouted, cackling into the darkness.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Gonzo the Great, Duke of Wherever looked up from a hand of cards and stared at Scooter the Squire. “Got any threes?” he asked.
Scooter looked down at his own hand of cards. “Nope,” he said, shaking his head, “go fish!”
Robin sighed heavily and looked up at Fozzie. “Do you think Uncle Kermit forgot about us, Fozzie?” he asked the bear.
Fozzie shook his head. “Huh uh!” he said surely. “But the audience might have…”
Will say more later. Just getting in the first reply.
Edit: <Ahem> Now then. Let's see here... First of all, AWESOME re-write of the song. AWESOME delivery of it by Uncle Deadly. Love the kickline. Love the forgetful minions. Also, LOVE Polly scolding Deadly's potty mouth. (Doesn't he know that Long John's mouth wasn't squeaky-clean, either? Oh, and speaking of parentheses...)
In the tradition of that one camping trip I went on where the girls started auctioning off the guys, when the guys weren't there, but it was Shabbat so we weren't supposed to use money... I bid fifty pinecones! (...For some frame of reference there, I don't think we "paid" any more than ten pinecones for the guys on the trip.)
Also, KERMIT! PIGGY! ALMOST KISS! That made me squeeful. And and and, "something in his teeth," even though he doesn't have any. I loved Piggy's introduction of herself, too.
OH! AND! Beau was awesome. And hilarious. AND, I LOOOOOOVED... Well, suffice to say... "Him?"
OH! AND! SWEDISH CHEF! Bumbling Swede! SO good. Loved Sam's translation. And Link! Prince formerly known as prince. And Strangepork! Funny, and well written, and YAY! Oh, and the wording of that law. That was fun. Loved Piggy jumping ahead on wedding planning.
Annnnnnnd, I think that covers everything, EXCEPT of course...
Aww, Fozzie, of COURSE we haven't forgotten you! ...Or I haven't, anyway. By the way, what's their horse up to? Nice to see the cards return. And I LOVE that Fozzie is so CERTAIN that Kermit hasn't forgotten them, and quite glad he passes that certainty on to Robin. <pats Robin's head> I like that.
<Ahem> Awesome chapter, Prawnie. Awesome.
MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
At first, I thought, "What the--Beauregard! ?" Then he went to fetch Link and I was like "Oh, okay..."
... I knew it was Link al along. Educated guess.
Cheer up Fozzie... Kermit's bound to leave the castle and pick you guys up if he's gonna go get that chaliss... Whatever a chaliss iss. Good work so far, especially now that we have Chef...
Chef: Durski kids.
And Bo too... The Muppet, not the MC member, though it'd be nice if he popped back in and read this.
So in conclusion, more please!
This is hillarious! But... Strangepork with an Irish accent? Interesting.
Really great so far!
<--valiant knight smiley
<--not in the book yet smiley (or frowny)
*Fires penguin cannons at Prawn. Post, or ye face our cue carded wrathery! Yeah, and don't spill the ink bottle... You'll need it fer writing that chapter. *Singing absently-minded... Sal, he spilled the sauce.
Okay, first of all, I deeply apologize for not getting to this sooner. By the title, I thought Kermit was going to go on some middle-age crisis thing and buy himself a Ferrari.
I couldn't help but laugh at every single chapter. The beginning Storyteller's Ballad rewrite was inspired. I can so see this as an official special.
Kermit pulled a Cogsworth -- "who could ever love a frog" wasn't the only B&B reference!
Loved the Holy Grail bit.
Beaureguard was a MEAN red herring. LOL.
Separate names with a comma.