Chapter 14
After a night camping on the side of the road (with the horse snoring louder than King Arthur in the spring time) (Arthur had TERRIBLE allergies), Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and the horse continued down the path to greatness (or a dead end, which ever came first).
But before the dead end (can I mention things that were in the parentheses outside the parentheses…?) there came a babbling brook sitting to the left side of the path. The brook, itself, was babbling on and on about a failed relationship--Kermit had no desire to console a lake at the moment, so they continued on their way.
It was on the right side of the path, and further down, that they came to a silent little pond with no relationship troubles (it was in a steady relationship with the local river--it really fed the current, if you know what I mean).
“Hey, Kermit," Fozzie said to his best friend the frog, “think we could stop here at this pond for a little bit?"
Kermit groaned half-heartedly. “Must we, Fozzie? Don’t you think we’ve already wasted enough time? I mean, if Gonzo hadn’t had to stop at that curio shop awhile back--”
“They had the quaintest little dinette set made of nothing but tree bark! I just had to have it!" Gonzo interjected suddenly.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “My point is… we just don’t have time. Our quest cannot be stalled! We are on a royal mission! The princess is waiting!" said the frog boldly. (Boldly?)
“Yeah, for you, boss," Scooter said. “C’mon… I’ve done the math, I think we can stop for a few minutes.”
Kermit smirked. “And since when are you our travel agent?" he asked.
“Since I can’t stand the smell of myself anymore," Scooter said. “It may be the Dark Ages--but I can still smell. I need a bath, boss.”
The brave and valiant knight sighed. “I guess I can’t argue with that," he said, dismounting the horse. “But we’re only stopping for a quick bath, alright? Nothing else!"
“Got it!" Gonzo declared as he zipped in front of Kermit--he was notably without clothing. “Last one in is Ivan the Horrible’s toe-jam!" he shouted, as he ran to the pond laughing wickedly with his blue fur (all of it) blowing in the breeze.
Scooter grimaced as the naked weirdo splashed back-stroked through the murky water. “Now I wish it was the Dark Ages," he muttered as he sidled off into a somewhat covered section of a lake to remove his own tunic and enter the pond.
“Are you going to get in, Kermit?" Fozzie asked as he removed his necktie and began to wash it in the pond water.
“Mm, no, I don’t think so," Kermit said. He spied a large oak tree off to the side of the lake and smiled. “I see a shady tree with my name under it.”
Kermit led the horse over to the tree behind him and gently guided him to a seated position. Kermit took his own seat, leaning against the rough, cool bark of the shaded tree. He let out a more than contented sigh and gazed out into the glittering pond. He gently let his eyes close (though if you saw him you wouldn’t be able to tell that).
“Aye! Dios mio!" a raspy, fast-talking voice shouted from somewhere on the pond, waking Kermit up faster than he would’ve liked. “Is Jaws, hokay! Quick! Arriba! Throw a fish at it!"
“But… we just caught it!" another, clownish voice responded.
“Si, si, but it’ll come right back to us, hokay! Jou know d’is," the first voice retorted.
Kermit peered out onto the pond and noticed a small boat with two people (that term used very loosely) rowing it. One of the things was a four-armed, orange, creature of the seafood persuasion. He had a heavy lower lip and two antennae protruding from his stringy red hair. The other one was… goofy looking, and that barely did him justice. He had a bright red clown nose with a thick black mustache and a mangled mop of matching hair atop his bright orange head.
They both wore brown tunics and there were two crudely crafted fishing poles sticking out of either end of the small boat. The goofy one had a fish in his hand and he looked like he was getting poised to throw it.
He was, in fact, and he threw it right at Gonzo. What could be seen of Gonzo, anyway, and that wasn’t much. His hooked purple nose was the only thing sticking out of the water, and it was the only thing that got whacked with the fish.
Much to Kermit’s surprise, the fish flew right back towards the boat and knocked the four armed shrimp into the pond.
The shrimp and Gonzo both bubbled to the top--and neither were quiet about it.
Gonzo, shouting gleefully about what a rush it was to inhale a gallon of pond water into your stomach in one huge GULP!--and the shrimp kibitzing to the other fisher-thing in the language of the Spaniards.
Kermit managed to catch a few words he understood. “Holy mackerel! It worked Lew, it worked! A little better d’en I espected… but it worked, hokay!" the shrimp declared.
Lew, apparently his name (it matches, no?), had picked up the fish and was staring at it with a massive grin on his face. “I… I threw the fish a-way and… and it came back to me!" he said.
“Not exactly," the shrimp said, climbing back into the boat, “but with some practice… we’ll get it, hokay.”
By this time Gonzo had swam over to the side of the little vessel and pulled his head over the side. “That was so COOL!" he shouted. “What do you call that?" he asked, his eyelids rearing to the back of his feathery head.
“Ask Pepe," Lew said, motioning towards the shrimp with the fish (and whacking him with it), “I just catch the fish--he’s the marketing!"
“Hmm," Pepe hummed, stroking his chin. “’Elifino, hokay. I just know d’at it works and we’re going to make de big monies!" he said with a devious snicker.
“Well we’ve got to call it something!" Lew said.
“Terrific, that’s what I call it!" Gonzo said.
“A waste of time, that’s what I’d call it," Kermit interjected from over on land.
Pepe, Lew, and Gonzo turned their attention to the frog. “Umm… who are jou?" Pepe asked.
Kermit stood up and entered his most knigtly pose. “I am Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight!" (Are you tired of hearing that yet?) he said. “And just who might you be?"
“I am Pepe," Pepe said quickly, “de King Prawn. D’is es Lew Zealand, hokay. We’re fishermans!" (We wanted to cast Johnny Depp in this role, but he has common sense and refused the part.) (But doesn’t it just SCREAM award nominations for him?)
“I’m Gonzo!" the still-naked (but thankfully submerged from the waste down) weirdo said. “That’s Fozzie, the bear doing laundry, and Scooter’s… probably naked somewhere.”
“Is he a little fella with glasses?" Lew asked.
“The one and only!" Gonzo said.
“Oh," Lew said sheepishly. “Umm… we might’ve hooked him on our way over here.”
“Si, si," Pepe said, “but we threw him back, hokay. He was too small.”
“Oh good grief," Kermit said, frowning. “Fozzie! Go see if you can find Scooter, will ya?"
Fozzie looked up from his laundry and tilted his head at Kermit. “You want me to go-fer the go-fer?" he asked.
Kermit groaned. “Just go!" he shouted.
“Yes sir!" Fozzie said, scampering off.
“Gonzo, get out of the pond and find your clothes--please," Kermit said. “We need to get going.”
“But you can’t leave!" Lew said. “We still don’t know what to call it!"
“Call what?" Kermit asked.
“Our fish act!" Lew said.
“Yeah, Kermit! We can’t leave yet!" Gonzo pleaded.
“Sheesh," Kermit sighed. “Just… well, it goes away and comes back, right?" he asked.
“Jou saw it froggy, jou see what it do," Pepe said.
“Right, well, the only other thing that does that is a boomerang," (and my ex-wife) Kermit said.
Lew and Pepe continued to stare at the frog.
Kermit sighed. “Boomerang fish!" he said irritably.
“Boomerang fish?" Pepe asked. He scratched his head and pondered this for a moment. “Is simple… says what it do… and is four syllables… de perfect marketing name, hokay!"
Lew Zealand cleared his throat and picked up this fish. “Ha ha ha!" he laughed goofily. “I’m Lew Zealand! I’ll do my boomerang fish act! I throw the fish a-way--” he threw the fish a-way, and it hit Kermit right in his snout, “--and it comes back to me!" The fish came back… but hit Pepe again. “Erm… almost," Lew said.
Kermit shook his head and huffed. “Gonzo, c’mon! We’ve gotta go!"
Gonzo sighed. “Alright, fine," he said, swimming for shore.
“Hold on froggy mans," Pepe called. “Jou helped us, hokay! We help jou!"
“I don’t really think--” Kermit started.
“Kermit, wait!" Gonzo shouted. “What if they know how to get to the chalice?"
“Gonzo, somehow I doubt that--”
“C’mon, Kermit, give ‘em a chance!" Gonzo said. “I mean, after all, they are the geniuses behind the boomerang fish act that’s sweeping the countryside!"
Kermit scrunched up his face. “Okay Gonzo, you win. Ask them if they know about the chalice," Kermit said, caving to the weirdo.
“Great!" Gonzo shouted. “Hey fellas!" he called out into the pond.
“…Why are jou still naked?" Pepe asked.
Gonzo looked down. “Whoops," he said, laughing nervously. He darted off and changed quickly, and darted back. “Have you guys heard any rumors about a chalice?"
“What’s a chalice?" Pepe asked. “Jou talking ‘bout Alice? D’is es another fairy tale, hokay--although… we’re probably just as trippy!"
“See, Gonzo?" Kermit said. “I told you that they--”
“Are you talking about the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV?"
Kermit and Gonzo both turned their heads slowly to make sure that what they heard was correct.
They were. That did indeed come out of Lew Zealand’s mouth.
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