Flight of the Golden Albatross: A Muppet Mystery

[The Count]

Always glad to help. Lookin' forward to it.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

And we're back!

Well, eggs won't be the only things cracking up in the dining car on the Muppet Express, as we turn the narrative over to Fozzie...(looks up at balcony, sees Statler and Waldorf trying to climb out via a sheet rope) Get back here, you two, you're actually in the story's text this time.

Waldorf: (weary) So close...
Statler: Guess we'd better get going on the last wills now.

***

Chapter Eight: Out to Lunch

From the notes of Fozzie Bear, P.D., Bear On Patrol

Hiya, hiya! It is I, good old Fozzie Bear, assigned to help recover the Golden Albatross!

“Run for it, Waldorf, it’s the bear!"

Pay no attention to those guys. Anyway, everyone slept okay, but I kept having strange dreams about these two guys sitting in a theater box and heckling me. Breakfast was good – I’ll bet they borrowed Ma’s French toast recipe. Now let’s jump ahead to lunchtime.

I was with Kermit, Miss Piggy and Gonzo at one of the tables for four. Camilla, Nora, Scooter and Skeeter were over at the next table and Link was off hamming it up…get it?...with a bunch of other pigs.

Now, Kermit, see, was on edge over how to find whoever stole the bird. So I told him I’d help jog his thinking with a little comedy.

“That’s good…and you’ll jog us!" Waldorf hollered from across the car.

“Yeah, straight out the door!" Statler chimed in, and they both hooted with laughter.

Like I said, pay no attention to them.

“All right, back to the Golden Albatross," I said. “Speaking of golden…I have a cousin who's so dumb, he thought the Golden Hind was what you got when you sat in a pool of yellow paint!"

And I got lots more like that!

“How do you catch a jewel thief in a vegetable patch?"

“I dunno, how do you catch a jewel thief in a vegetable patch?" Scooter asked.

“Bait him…with fourteen carrots!"

Meanwhile, three tables down, some fuzzy little orange guy with purple hair and a tail was saying to the waiter, “Rizzo, there are no radishes in this radish stew.”

“Yeah, in fact, this isn't even radish stew! It's bouillabaisse!" A red-haired whatever-she-was shouted.

“They’re called Fraggles, Fozzie. The orange one is Gobo, and the redhead is Red. The others are Wembley, Mokey and Boober."

Ah - thank you, Scooter.

“Oh, picky, picky.” Rizzo rolled his eyes and shouted into the kitchen, “Hey, Chef, what’s the deal, you gone colorblind or something?"

The Chef shouted something in mock-Swedish. Rizzo looked at his order pad, and at the serving bowl of bouill - bouilla - whatever it was, whisked it off the table and plunked it down in front of Sam and some guy in a gray coat.

The Swedish Chef emerged from the kitchen with a huge bowl of radish and potato stew. “Ee bork der smeer neer der hrmm, bork bork bork! In de bool, de radish stoo, fer de Fraggles.” He parked the bowl down on the Fraggles’ table.

“Oh, Chef, this is absolutely beautiful," one of the Fraggles said. “I could cry…”

“Quit blubbering, Boober. Dig in!" Red proclaimed.

“But wait – don’t you guys want to hear a postcard from my uncle Traveling Matt first?"

“No, Gobo, that’ll give us indigestion – won’t it, Wembley?"

“Well, yeah! I mean, no, er…what I mean is…what was the question again?"

Back to us. Midway through lunch, I was busy describing how the Albatross could have been stolen by some supernatural ghostly chicken.

“Listen – I’ll run and get my rubber chickens. Those’ll help show you what I mean.”

I ran back through the cars. But I accidentally stopped in number 11 and opened the door to someone else’s room. It was the guy in the gray overcoat who had been eating with Sam.

“Whoops! Sorry!" I said as the man quickly hid a green box under his berth and stuffed a purple necklace back into his pocket.

When I came back, the others were looking over some files that Kermit had brought along.

“Come here, Fozzie, have a look at these.” Kermit said.

“But what about the rubber chickens?" I asked.

“Later, all right?" Kermit opened a file and started to read. “Nicky Holiday. Second-in-command of Holiday, Ltd., London. Irresponsible parasite. Rumored to have squandered his half of the inheritance. Sister says he gambles, eats her food, uses her credit cards and borrows her cars without asking. Rumored to have his eye on the Baseball Diamond.”

“Nice guy," Miss Piggy remarked.

“Thing is, his alibi’s more airtight than a Tupperware party. He was in Italy the night the Albatross was stolen, and his sister vouched for him.” Kermit shrugged and put the file away.

Gonzo leaned over. “Here’s one. A thief known only as Percy the Pincher. Rumored to be an ex-jeweler who went mad after years of handling priceless jewelry. Is suspected in eight major robberies in New York, London, Paris and Montclair, New Jersey.”

“Oh, him," Skeeter said between bites of sandwich. “Just mention his name to any museum curator and they’ll break out in a cold sweat.”

“And I’ve heard they also call him the Soap Bar Thief, ‘cause he’s slippery.” I said.

“Yeah. So slippery no one’s been able to get a good look at him. Or know what his name real is.” Kermit said.

“Hang on…” Scooter pulled out his notebook and opened it to a page of notes. “Have a look at this.”

“Hmmm…the Indigo Eyes, an opal and amethyst necklace, vanishes from a jewelry shop in Waterborne…police suspect Percy the Pincher.” Kermit looked up. “When was this?"

“Five days ago.”

“Waterborne…that’s on the train’s route.” Nora swallowed a mouthful of quiche and opened her train schedule. “We’re supposed to stop there later today.”

Miss Piggy suddenly leaned forward. “I was staying with my cousin at The Truffle Grove Lodge in the town of Malaise a few months ago. It was her birthday, and I gave her a set of bracelets.”

“Malaise? Isn't that on the Muppet Express's route, too?" Kermit asked.

Nora flipped through her train schedule. “It is. We passed through it during the night.”

“That’s nice, dear…anyway, her bracelets vanished from the safe in her room…and the police mentioned Percy the Pincher.” Miss Piggy wrinkled her snout. “At first I thought they were talking about some guy who wouldn’t keep his hands to himself when it came to women.”

“Maybe all these other thefts were a warm-up for stealing the Albatross.” Scooter wondered.

Wow, these guys are good. Why didn’t I think of all this before?

***

Stay tuned for chapter nine! (hears S&W still making really snide remarks) Okay, okay, I'm turning the story back over to Scooter for the next one. (sighs and goes back to keyboard)

 

[The Count]

Yay! Fozzie... And bad jokes and all... And Fraggles... And Chef and Rat... And Nicky...
*Glomps Erin. More please!

 

[JEANYLASER]

Yes! Please I want More!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

All right, everyone, here is chapter nine.

The suspense level gets raised several points, as Scooter overhears a very suspicious-sounding phone call while the Muppet Express is stopped at the town of Waterborne...

***

Chapter Nine: Dial T for Trouble

On a scribbled-on-page in the notebook of Scooter R. Hunt, reporter, international desk, Hensonville Observer

It was starting to look more and more like Percy the Pincher was the thief. Now all we had to do was find him.

Yeah, sure, I know, easier said than done. I mean, the police didn't have any visual IDs of him, no fingerprints, no real name or anything.

Kermit eventually said that once we got to Greater Burden and got settled, we’d go over to Harrowing and do the same thing that we had done in Mis-En-Scene; just go looking around antique dealers and junk shops.

Not much happened after lunch. Link went back to his compartment for a nap, and Kermit and Fozzie went off to review some more case files. The rest of us hung around in the lounge car for a while, listening to Rowlf play the piano and just chatting with the other passengers, but eventually we wandered back to our car as well.

A few hours later, the train started to pull into a small brick-with-slate-roof station on the edge of a medium-sized city. The sign on the platform said “Waterborne.”

“We will be stopping for a twenty-minute break,” one of the conductors announced.

I stood up and stretched. “I’m going for a walk on the platform, guys.”

“Okay, just don’t wander too far,” Skeeter said, absorbed in Archaeology Whenever.

I put on my coat, went up the corridor and stepped out onto the platform.

The station clock said it was just before five, and the sun was dipping below the horizon.

We were coming up on the Molehill Mountains, which hovered on the horizon to the northeast, and I thought I could see storm clouds off in the distance. The air was also much colder; I shivered and pulled my coat more tightly around me.

Doc was playing a quick game of fetch with Sprocket on the platform. Richard Hunt, one of the passengers from car 12, was leaning up against the lounge car, scanning the day’s International Herald Tribune.

One of the headlines read, “Percy the Pincher Suspected in Albatross Theft.”

Inside the station, a man in a gray overcoat was talking on a pay phone.

I recognized him as the guy that Sam had been shaking hands – wings – with at Mis-En-Scene. He’d also been sharing a table with Sam in the dining car at lunch.

But for some reason, I started wondering if I had seen him somewhere before. Before we got on the train.

“This is the lobster,” Gray Overcoat said slowly and firmly into the receiver.

Curious, I moved a little closer to the station entrance and listened.

“We are at Stagnant Pond.” He took a deep breath. “The croaker suspects something. Meet us at the depot later.” He paused, and smiled grimly. “The little gilded canary will sing for us tonight.”

Gray Overcoat swaggered out of the station, climbing back into car 11.

I frowned. But then, people sent funny messages like that all the time in the movies.

But what was all this about lobsters, croakers and canaries? He must be a spy or something, or maybe someone involved in high-level political work.

It would kind of explain why he wouldn’t hang around with most of the other passengers, except Sam.

I started to walk back toward the train. Outside the dining car, the Swedish Chef was retelling the story of a run-in he’d had with some very gung-ho lobsters some years back.

He said, “Und de loobster went peenchy-peench…”

I laughed softly. What the Chef said roughly translated as “the lobster went pinchy-pinch…”

Wait a minute.

Lobster?

Pinch?

Allow five seconds for the icy chill to run down the spine.

“Scooter, are you okay?” Richard asked, staring at me over his paper. “You look like you’ve been on the receiving end of one of Dave and Steve’s jokes.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said absently.

I had a very bad feeling about why Gray Overcoat called himself “the lobster” over the phone.

Gray Overcoat, “the lobster,” was Percy the Pincher. The “little gilded canary” had to be the Golden Albatross.

One half of my brain told me to run back and find Kermit (a.k.a. "the croaker") and the others. The other half told me to go after Gray Overcoat.

But when the conductor’s whistle blew, both halves told me to get back on the train unless I wanted to walk to Greater Burden.

I waited until we were several miles out of Waterborne, and then I crept off to car 11.

Gray Overcoat stood in the doorway to compartment one, speaking to Sam.

“Oh, most interesting, Mr. Morton…I’ll have to pass your suggestions along to the ambassador…” Sam was saying.

I frowned. Gray Overcoat definitely looked familiar.

On the docks at Algae-On-Pond, there was one man who wasn’t falling asleep over Sam’s political rants…

“Yes, thank you.” Gray Overcoat closed the door, and Sam turned. He scowled at me. “Scooter, crouching in the corridor like that is a safety hazard. Besides, it is un-American.”

“Never mind…Sam, I need to ask you a few questions. About that guy you were talking to.”

“Oh, yes. Percival Morton. A very intelligent man of…”

That was all I needed.

“Come on, Kermit will want to talk.” I grabbed Sam by the wing and started pulling him back toward car 13.

“What! What is the meaning of this? I demand you…”

***

More to follow. Stay tuned!

 

[JEANYLASER]

I can't wait to find out what happend next!

 

[The Count]

Ah... Expertly done. Scooter the scout... Sam the oblivious windbag... Kermit the, wait, was he even in this segment? At any rate... Post mooooore please!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

I have been laughing myself silly.
XD

This gets funnier and funnier by the second.

Continue, please!

 

[redBoobergurl]

All I can do is second everyone else's comments and ask for more please!

 

[JEANYLASER]

YES! Please! make more of the Muppet Mysteries! Because I love the Muppet Mysteries!