Flight of the Golden Albatross: A Muppet Mystery

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Hmm, good point...perhaps Fozzie's big theory was actually fed to him by Gonzo?

Thanks...I really wanted to have the Fraggle Five make an appearance in this story, and did you notice, in chapter six, Doc is speaking with Ned on the platform? So maybe Ned is making the trip as well...whether or not he's got Fluffinella with him, we couldn't say.

Like I said - chapter eleven will be along as soon as possible. All I'll say is that Gonzo plays a really important part in it...and that later on, Red would be really impressed by what ultimately has to be done in order to get the Albatross back.

Stay tuned!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Yeah, I noticed Ned, and I also noticed that you described Doc as middle-aged. Does this mean it's taking place before the events of Fraggle Rock, or is that just how you pictured Doc in the series?
Gonzo? Yippy skippy! And I'm greatly intrigued over that comment you made about Red... Whooopy!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

It's after the events of the show, 'cause the Fraggles appear to be traveling with Doc. I always saw Doc as being maybe in late middle age.

Now then...when we last left our heroes, they were in an out-of-control train car. In this chapter, Gonzo comes up with a plan that just might save them all...but will it work?

***

Chapter Eleven: Strung Out

From "The Canon of the Cannon: Memoirs of the Great Gonzo"

And so, our little railway car was rolling down a steep side track to an almost certain crash landing on the rocks of the Failed Pass, with our being fated to spend six months each in a body cast – if we even made it out alive.

Okay, granted, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of cool.

However, my fellow passengers and Albatross-hunters didn’t share my viewpoints.

Around us, luggage was spilling out of racks, doors were hanging open and people were clinging to furniture and doorframes. And screaming. Don’t forget the screaming.

“What do we do?” Fozzie hollered.

There was only one thing I could do, on my honor as an artiste and a whatever.

“Camilla! The cannon!” I yelled.

Camilla started to push our portable orange cannon into the corridor, and we started to move it up toward the door.

“Gonzo, what are you doing?” Nora cried, jumping out of the way of a flying suitcase.

“Saving our necks!” I responded. “Camilla, get the rope!”

“Buck-brawk!” Camilla fluttered back to our compartment and returned with a length of rope in her beak.

I threw the door open. The night wind roared past, and we could see the red running lights of the Muppet Express getting further and further away.

It was now or never.

I tied one end of the rope securely around the car’s coupler, and the other end around my ankles. “Put me into the cannon!” I cried.

Fozzie and Scooter gave me strange looks, but lifted me up and placed me into the muzzle of the cannon.

“Gonzo, will you please explain…” Kermit shouted.

“Kermit. Please. I will shoot myself from this cannon, and, using the rope which I have tied to my ankles, form a bridge between this car and the rest of the train. Camilla! The fuse!”

Kermit groaned. “Gonzo! This is not going to work!”

Camilla struck a flint and touched it to the fuse.

“Of course it will! I have three things that will ensure that! Strength! Courage!”

“What’s number three?” Skeeter asked.

“A really good life insurance policy!”

With that, the cannon let out an almighty roar and sent me flying out into the night.

My aim was perfect; the Muppet Express was dead ahead, just pulling away from the side track, and it was having a bit of trouble picking up speed over the incline.

And then I realized, in mid-air, that the rope I had tied to my ankles was too short. Much too short.

But the train got closer…closer…

WHUMP.

I was suddenly clutching the fender of car 12. My legs stretched, at least fifty feet behind me, to the door of 13.

And then I felt a lurch down near my ankles. I looked over my shoulder, and I saw car 13 start to crawl forward back up the tracks.

Over the howling of the mountain winds and the noise of the train, I faintly heard Kermit bellowing at everyone to start moving. “All right, everybody out! Move, move, move! Camilla, you first!”

First, the rapid movement of poultry talons up my legs…yes, that would be Camilla.

“Brawk, buck-buck-buck brawk!” She squawked as she passed by me.

“Is everyone all right, Camilla?”

“Brawk…”

“Good. Run on ahead and get someone to open the door.”

The door did just that, and there was a man kneeling in the doorway, arms outstretched. It was that guy who talks a lot like Scooter – I think his name is Richard or something. “Don’t let go!” he yelled at someone who was holding onto the back of his coat.

Camilla squawked and fluttered straight up to his arms. “It’s okay, girl,” he said as he handed her off to someone else.

I felt heavier weights on my torso and legs. I craned my neck. Scooter was midway up, looking terrified, and Nora was just starting to crawl up. I felt myself swaying precariously side to side.

I looked up at Richard. “Where’s Camilla?”

“She’s fine, she’s with Louise!” he shouted over the rattle of the train.

I heard Camilla cluck several times in response.

The bearded guy whom the others called Jim leaned out. “How many are still in there?” he called.

“Um…uh, there’s two…no, three coming up now…and there’s still Kermit, Fozzie, the eagle and the two pigs!” I replied.

“Kevin, pull on the communication cord!” Jim called.

“I am! We’re still not stopping!” Kevin called from the opposite end of the car.

Scooter grabbed Richard’s hand and pulled himself up into the train. Nora, Skeeter and Kermit followed moments later.

Just as one of the pigs…I think Miss Piggy, judging from those high heels that were digging into me…was starting to climb out, the terrain suddenly leveled off. Car 13 began to rocket forward.

“Richard! Jerry! Jim! Duck!” Another passenger – probably the man called Frank – yelled.

Jerry remarked, “Duck? I thought this story was about an albatross – whoa!”

There came the sounds of several humans throwing themselves to the car floor, followed by Miss Piggy squawking as she, Link, Fozzie and Sam were catapulted into car 12.

It must have been amazing to watch – but the thing was, I found myself between a rock and a hard place…more accurately, the couplers of two train cars. But thankfully, I am well-versed in yoga and the art of contortionism.

“Gonzo!” Fozzie pulled me out, up into the car, and pulled the rope off my ankles. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine!” I exhaled.

Car 13 was now coupled to the train again. No one was hurt, but we were all a little windblown, and Miss Piggy was struggling to extract herself from the heap of pig and eagle.

Suddenly, the train rocketed forward again, sending us all falling to the floor, and the track suddenly got a lot more rocky. Lights flickered on and off, and passengers started shouting.

Everyone, Muppet and human, looked at each other with genuine horror.

Kermit gulped. “We have to stop Percy…he’s sent the train off course."

***

Yes, Percy's not done yet. Can our heroes save the Muppet Express and its passengers from a wreck? Stay tuned for chapter twelve, "You Keep Me Hangin' On."

 

[CensoredAlso]

It's after the events of the show, 'cause the Fraggles appear to be traveling with Doc. I always saw Doc as being maybe in late middle age.

Yeah I agree about Doc's age. I probably used to see him as a much older person, but years later he does seem more middle aged.

Keep up the good work!

 

[The Count]

Lovely update. Well done, meshing Muppet and Muppeteer. Look forward to the next one, maybe a couple of lyrics again as you have now invoked the spirits of the Supremes. Or as an entertainer of bygone days called them once, the Dupemes.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Hmmm, never heard that one Ed.

Erin, that scene was awesome! Gonzo was awesome, and I loved the interaction between muppets and muppeteers!

And yeah, I pictured Doc to be about the same age as my grandmother during my main stint of watching it, (about early to mid 60's). I asked because, while I didn't picture him as being that old, I know some other people do.

Although I have some slight hesitation at nagging you just after you've posted such a great scene... more please!

 

[CensoredAlso]

There was only one thing I could do, on my honor as an artiste and a whatever.

“Camilla! The cannon!” I yelled.

Lol, great line, I can totally hear Gonzo saying that. You do have a talent for for shaping characters and telling a story.

 

[JEANYLASER]

I can't wait to read more! Please! more to see what happend next!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Lol, great line, I can totally hear Gonzo saying that. You do have a talent for for shaping characters and telling a story.

Aw, thanks. Personally, my favorite line was the one about the life insurance policy.

Chapter 12 will be up tomorrow; I'm still working out lots of kinks...and Chapter 13 - that's the last one - is almost done.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

"Set us free, why don't you Perce...just stop the train, why don't you Perce...'cause we know you really loathe us...but you keep us hangin' on..."

Little nod to the Supremes. And now, chapter 12, the climax of "Flight of the Golden Albatross."

Waldorf: (in a compartment of car 9 with Statler) I told you we should have flown!

***

Chapter Twelve: You Keep Me Hangin’ On

From a diary found among maps of Egypt, India, China and the Amazon – all belonging to Skeeter R. Hunt, archaeologist and explorer

Okay, some background: Percy had sent the Muppet Express down a long, little-used freight line through Failed Pass. The company had stopped running passenger trains on it years ago because of too many bad wrecks.

Now, back to us.

“To the engine!” Kermit yelled.

We all set off at a run – well, most of us, anyway. Gonzo was riding around Dave’s shoulders, and Camilla was still on Louise's.

In car 11, Scooter suddenly stopped, kicked open the door to compartment one and quickly scanned it.

“He’s taken the Albatross with him!” he shouted.

Okay, this bird has flown again.

In the dining car, we had to duck out of the way when a sharp curve sent the Chef falling to the floor with a huge tureen of spinach soup.

Next came the mostly deserted lounge car, since most of the passengers had fled to their compartments. Rowlf was having a jam session with the Electric Mayhem when we went through.

“Guys, we’ve got a chase going on. Better put on some chase music!” Rowlf called from the piano.

Car 5…car 4…car 3…

“Ouch!”

Dave and Steve were stuck in the door, having tried to bolt through at the same time. “Carroll…Marty, you two want to give us a push?” Dave asked.

The push came, and the two stumbled through, followed by the rest of Jim’s gang.

Beyond car 1 was the baggage car. And beyond that, the tender and engine.

The door of the baggage car, on the end facing the engine, had been forced open, and there was a ladder leading up the back of the tender.

“Lizard, more fire! Weasel, keep the speed up!” A voice yelled from on top of the tender.

The train shrieked and rattled again, in protest.

Kermit gulped. “You guys stay in the car. I’m going up.” And he started to climb his way through the baggage car.

There was a green box lying discarded in the doorway to an empty compartment. Scooter darted forward and picked it up.

It was the Albatross’s box…but it was empty.

As the train rounded a curve, we leaned out the window and peered out at the engine.

Percy’s two sidekicks, a lizard and a weasel, stood in the cab of the engine.

Where were the engineer and the fire Muppet?

Percy himself stood on top of the tender. In his hand was the Golden Albatross.

“Percy the Pincher?” Kermit asked as he climbed up the ladder.

“I am. Nice to make your acquaintance, Kermit.” Percy said.

He was, as Nora would put it, one of those guys you don’t remember until the police come by with a composite sketch. He had graying blond hair and gray eyes, and he wore a gray suit and overcoat. Lots of gray.

“Percy, why are you doing this? You’re putting the train and its passengers in danger!”

“I crave jewelry, Kermit. I have ever since I worked as a jeweler in Greater Burden. It wasn’t enough to oversee all those gems in the display cases…I had to possess them.” He waved the Albatross at Kermit. It glinted ominously in the light from the cab.

Kermit groaned. “But Percy – these people have nothing to do with it! Stop the train before someone gets hurt!”

“Kermit, you know who I am and what I've done. Scooter knows, Fozzie probably knows and everyone else knows. I can’t let you leave this train alive.” Percy’s eyes were burning. “Lizard! Weasel! Get him!”

Lizard and Weasel climbed out of the cab and up onto the tender, looking appropriately menacing.

“Fozzie,” Nora shouted, “climb along the side to the cab! Try to stop the train!”

“Yes, miss.” Fozzie climbed through the baggage car, looked nervously at the narrow railing on the tender’s edge, and started to inch along.

We heard a kicking noise against one of the compartment doors, and some muffled screaming. Another of Jim’s gang – Fran Brill – pulled the door open.

The real driver and fire Muppet were in there, bound and gagged.

As we were setting them loose, Lizard and Weasel flew at Kermit, but…

“Hi-YAAAAH!”

You see, Miss Piggy doesn’t like to be told to wait in the car.

She started making short work of Weasel and Lizard, sending them down into the baggage car, where they lay stunned.

During the struggle, the Albatross flew out of Percy’s hand and landed with a clatter on the tender roof, dangerously close to the edge.

Scooter leaned out the window and gulped. The train was rolling toward a narrow (exactly two inches wider than the train narrow) bridge crossing a long, deep crevasse.

This was Vin’s Gully, which had been the site of a really nasty train wreck ten years before, Nora had told me earlier.

Man, this only gets better.

Meanwhile, Fozzie had reached the cab of the engine and climbed in. He was now trying frantically to identify the right controls.

“What if someone falls off? Or what if we lose the Albatross?” Nora gulped.

An idea came to me. I’d done it once in Peru, while exploring some ancient Incan ruins...

It sounded crazy, and it would have been an amazing disregard for the laws of physics, but I didn’t want to see anyone fall to his or her death.

“Gonzo, I need your help!”

Dave brought Gonzo, severely extended limbs and all, over.

“What’s going on?” Gonzo asked. “I’ve had enough excitement for one night.”

“I need to use you as a bungee rope."

Gonzo’s eyes widened in delight. “Now, that’s different! Bungee away, Skeeter!”

Scooter and Nora tied Gonzo’s legs in a knot around my waist.

But then, as Kermit and Percy were still struggling, Miss Piggy spotted the Albatross, picked it up and held it like a mace.

Percy had Kermit pinned to the tender’s roof.

“This is the end, Kermit…”

WHACK.

The Albatross whacked firmly into the back of Percy’s head.

The jewel thief fell to the roof in a swoon. “Let’s all sing like the birdies sing…” he sang dizzily.

“Way to go, Miss Piggy!” we all started yelling.

Miss Piggy dropped the Albatross, moved Percy off of Kermit and pulled the frog up in a porcine embrace.

Wait a minute. She dropped the Albatross?

I tensed. Behind me, Scooter and Nora were quickly tying one end of Gonzo to a brass railing in the corridor.

I opened the door. The car was filled with the deafening rattle of wheels against tracks and the howl of the wind.

And then the train bounced over yet another rough spot in the tracks.

The Albatross bounced off the roof of the tender…and went flying down into Vin’s Gully.

“Now!” Scooter shouted.

I yelled, “Kids, don’t try this at home!” I flung myself out of the train after the Albatross.

And I fell down…down…everything spun before my eyes...I could barely see by the light of the train above me...

My hands collided with the Albatross. I clawed wildly at it and grabbed it. “Got it!”

“Pull her up!” I heard Scooter yelling far above.

“Wow, this is cool!” Gonzo squawked.

I found myself swinging wildly through the air. I craned my neck up and saw Scooter, Nora and a few other passengers and crew pulling madly on the Gonzo-rope.

Every single passenger on the train seemed to be leaning out the windows of the first five cars, pointing and yelling.

“Hurry! We’re reaching the end of the bridge!” I heard Jim shout.

I kicked against a bridge piling so they could pull me up the last several feet. But I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my ankle.

One last pull, and I was lying on the car floor. The deafening roar of rushing air was cut off as Kathy slammed the door shut.

Scooter, Nora and Rowlf were kneeling next to me. Dave was untying Gonzo’s legs from around me, and Jim, Richard, Karen, Doc and several others hovered over me.

Kermit and Miss Piggy appeared through the door, dragging a still-stunned Percy behind them.

“Skeeter! Are you okay?” Scooter asked worriedly.

“I’m fine…” I wheezed. I held up the Albatross. “I got it.”

And then the lights went out in the corridor. The train screeched to a halt with several rocky bumps that sent more passengers and luggage flying. I’m seeing a trend here…

Fozzie leaned out of the engine’s cab. “I stopped the train, everyone!” he called cheerfully.

But the sudden stop and the poor track condition had derailed the engine, tender, baggage car and the first three passenger cars.

Nice.

***

And for the record, Percy's two sidekicks were borrowed from the Riverbottom Nightmare Band.

Chapter 13, the last chapter, soon to follow.