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How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by charlietheowl, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    ........................and somehow I keep churning these out. I don't own the television show mentioned in this story.


    "Congratulations Alice! You and Fozzie have won this round 21 to 19 over Jeremy and Lew, so you'll be playing for fifty thousand dollars after this commercial break! Stay tuned, because they're about to sit in the hottest seats on television when we get back on The All New 50,000 Pyramid!"

    "CUT!" A director yelled from the background. "Everybody take five and then we'll do the Winner's Circle."

    The contestants made their way off the set, leaving Fozzie Bear standing alone with Lew Zealand, who was the other celebrity guest on "Muppet Week". After Louis Kazagger landed the hosting job, he constantly pestered the Muppets to appear on the show, but the summertime proved to be full of conflicts. Lew was always available, so he eagerly agreed, and Fozzie, well he never really learned to say no.

    This terrified him though. All this money was on the line, and it depended on whether or not he could figure out good clues for "Things In A Waiting Room" or "Things An Angry Prairie Dog Would Say". He made everyone in the Boarding House rehearse with him in the weeks leading up to the show, even going as far to work with Beauregard to build a mini-pyramid to practice on. That worked well until Gonzo got his hand stuck in one of the boxes, which definitely ruined their practice round, amongst other things.

    "Fozzie! You're heading to the circle! We're talking big money here! Fifty thousand dollars!"

    "Don't remind me. I'm going to blow it up there, I just know it."

    Lew slapped him on the back, nearly knocking him over. "You'll be fine! You just have to keep your cool."

    "Lew, have you ever known me to keep my cool?"

    "Well, there's a first time for everything!" With that, Lew made his way to his dressing room, ostensibly to check on his fish.

    Meanwhile, Alice made her way back onto the stage. Fozzie gingerly walked up to her, trembling all the while.

    "You ready?", he uttered, nearly tripping over his own words and his own feet.

    "I'm ready but I don't know about you."


    She cut him off abruptly. "Look, you hack comedian bear. I've got college loans to pay back, so you better not screw this up. I need fifty thousand dollars about as much as you need some fresh jokes. If you freeze up during this round, I'm going to take a sledgehammer to your car."

    "I rode here with Lew."

    "Well, I'll take a sledgehammer to something of yours. But those are the details- don't even think about screwing this up!"

    Fozzie trembled. Now it was absolutely certain he was going to mess this up. Alice was not the kindly law clerk she pretended to be when the cameras were on her. She should go into acting, changing her moods so quickly like that, he thought.

    Louis walked back onto the set, fresh from having his hair combed up for the tenth time today. "You guys ready? Come sit in the hottest seats this side of Death Valley. You've got thirty seconds until the cameras are back on."

    "Oh boy…"

    "Can it, bear. Sit your rear down." Alice nudged Fozzie into his seat.


    "Welcome back everybody! We've got Fozzie and Alice playing for FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! Quite the pressure situation, eh?"

    All Fozzie could do was nod, while Alice merely stared at Louis.

    "I trust you two know the rules; Fozzie's going to give the clues, Alice, you're going to guess. Don't say any of the words in the clue title, or else the round will end and Alice will not be able to win any money, and no one wants to see you guys blow this. You have sixty seconds. Are you ready?"

    "Well no-"


    Fozzie was jolted by the sound of the first category turning around, catching him completely off guard.



    "CORRECT!" yelled Louis from the side of the circle.

    Fozzie still found himself lost in a sea of nerves and visions of his collections of self-help books being smashed by sledgehammers, barely noticing the turning of the second block around.

    "Oh man…oh man…I'm going to be in so much trouble…."

    "Things Someone Says After they Just Committed A Crime?"


    Fozzie's heart was still pounding, and he went to wipe sweat of his brow, knocking his hat off of his head.

    "My hat! My hat! Where is my hat! I need my hat!"

    "Things People Say At The Haberdasher's?"


    "Cut! Cut! Cut! Stop the tape!"

    "Filming Terms?"


    Fozzie finally happened to glance at the board, noticing that they were somehow on the fourth block despite him barely paying attention. For the first time in forever, he was able to take a small breath.

    "Gee, we're almost at the top."

    "Things Mountain-Climbers Say?"

    "CORRECT! One more to go!"

    The anxiety hit Fozzie again. There was one category separating Alice from fifty thousand dollars, and him from being able to sleep with all his teddy bears tonight. It was now or never.

    "Come on, Fozzie, you can do this, let's get it together Fozzie."

    "Things the Habitually Over-Anxious Would Say?"

    "CORRECT! You just won fifty thousand dollars!"

    Confetti dropped from the ceiling, and Fozzie found himself being mobbed by Alice and her friends in the studio, who quickly trampled on stage.

    "Youdidit youdidit youdidit!"

    "I did?"

    "I got my fifty thousand dollars! Thanks!"

    Louis jumped in to the fray.

    "Well, Alice, how does it feel to win fifty thousand dollars?"

    "It feels great. I had the utmost confidence that Fozzie and I could do this, and we pulled it off."

    Coming up "next": We wrap up the individual stories by taking a look at Sweetums in his natural habitat: a college classroom?
    muppetsandpixar and newsmanfan like this.
  2. AlittleMayhem

    AlittleMayhem Well-Known Member

    Haha! Well, that was extremely lucky!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  3. LipsGF4Life

    LipsGF4Life Well-Known Member

    So lucky!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  4. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys!
  5. LipsGF4Life

    LipsGF4Life Well-Known Member

  6. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    I can ABSOLUTELY picture Kazagger as a game show host...half his sports events turned into sheer silly exhibitionism anyway! Poor Fozzie. That bear really should read It's Okay to Say No: Life Lessons for a Bear of Very Little Ego.

    Too bad Lew didn't make it to the final round instead; I doubt he takes ANYTHING seriously enough to sweat. Do bears sweat? Did the crew have to mop up a puddle of brown gooey fur after the final round?

    I love it that Fozzie had Beau build him a pyramid -- what shape is that supposed to be again? :concern:
    charlietheowl likes this.
  7. Ruahnna

    Ruahnna Well-Known Member

    Ru: Heh heh heh. Good ol' Rowlf. Nice to know he can still give 'em what for AND show his good, er, breeding.
    Pepe: Hey! Is that h'allowed? Because this is a children's forum, too, hokay? And Hi did not think that we were supposed to be showing--what?
    Rizzo: (Nodding at Pepe after whispering in his, um, aural organ) That's what that means. Not the, um, other thing. Besides, this is Ru--how risque could it get?
    Pepe: (looking at Rizzo) Have you not been readings this forum?
    Rizzo: Um, well, not the long ones.... But this one is great! Charlie's doing a swell job!
    Ru: If you two, er, gentlemen don't mind, I was trying to say something nice about Charlie's latest story segment myself!
    Pepe: Hey--Hi got no complaints. He is brilliant, hokay? Except the womens are not, like middle-aged. They are young and sexy.
    Rizzo: (muttering) Deluded much.
    Ru: Not baking any pies here until I'm done!
    Rizzo: Yes ma'am!
    Pepe: Like, Hi am zipping, hokay?
    Ru: (watching them for signs they are going to interrupt again) As I was saying, this was a perfect Rowlf moment--good manners, good humor--***poof***
    Danny L: (looking around him in confusion) Um--guys? What am I--oh! Hey Rizzo! Hi Pepe! Did you, um, call or something?
    (Both point to the woman beside them.)
    Rizzo: Wasn't me, buddy boy. I know you got your hands full lately.
    Pepe: Si, si. Hit was not the prawn. Hit was the curly redhead here.
    Ru: (gulping) Um, sorry. I was trying to say something nice about Charlie's post about Rowlf.
    Danny L: Oh! I love Rowlf! And Charlie's the one who's been writing the summer vacation thing, right?
    Ru: You're, um, reading it, um, up there, too?
    Danny L: Er, of course. Gosh. What's the hereafter without some good summer reading, right? The Boss loved the segment with Gonzo and Camilla.
    Ru: (squeaking) Your, um, Boss likes fanfic?
    Danny L: Well...muppet fanfic.
    Ru: Wow. Oh, wow. I'll, um, tell Charlie.
    Danny L: Yeah. Go ahead. That'll be good. Oh--and tell him to go easy on the bear, okay? Fozzie's still mad at me about the last time.
    Ru: (faintly) I'll mention it.
    Danny L: (tries unsuccessfully to *poof* and finally leaves by the door) I'll just, um, take the stairs.....
    Ru: Wow. The Boss likes summer fanfic.
    Rizzo: The Boss likes Charlie's summer fanfic.
    Pepe: His because Hi am in it.
    Rizzo: Whatever you say, buddy.
    newsmanfan and charlietheowl like this.
  8. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thank you! Thank you so much!
  9. LipsGF4Life

    LipsGF4Life Well-Known Member

  10. Slackbot

    Slackbot Well-Known Member

    This felt like a real muppet skit. I could see it happening on TV just like this. Another fun story. Keep 'em coming!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  11. LipsGF4Life

    LipsGF4Life Well-Known Member

    Yea, keep em commin.
  12. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    My apologies to Richard Scarry and all institutions of higher learning around the world.

    "So, did you do the reading for class today?"

    "Pssh! I was too busy down at The Rustic trying to put the moves on some fine ladies, I didn't get in until 4. I figure I'll be able to improvise in today's discussion."

    "Neither did I, mainly because I sold my textbook already so I could get Coldplay tickets. Hopefully there was nothing important in the book or anything."

    "I doubt it."

    The insipid in-class discussion came to an abrupt end as Professor Smalley entered the classroom. Professor Smalley was known as an eccentric; he removed the door from his office in order to get the perfect air currents, he sometimes drove the wrong way on one-way streets to show everyone that societal constructions did not always need to followed, and he didn't like macaroni and cheese, even when you sprinkled bacon crumbles on the top. So his classes were considered some of the oddest at summer school at UCLA. But no one took summer classes because of the professor; students who failed during the semester, or had switched majors enrolled in the classes to grub up as many credits as possible.

    "Good morning, everybody. I hope you all did the reading, because it contained some thought-provoking food for thought to think about. In fact, I'd say it was one of the most interesting readings of the semester. Alex Anderson is really able to cut through all the hot air surrounding literary criticism of Richard Scarry's work and focus on the true meaning of the dynamics between Pig Won't and Huckle Cat, to expose the Marxist critique bubbling under the surface-"

    Smalley's soliloquy was interrupted by the classroom door whooshing open.

    "Hi guys! Sorry I'm late! I couldn't find anywhere to park my unicycle! Hope I didn't miss anything!"

    Smalley rolled his eyes. "Well, Sweetums, if you had bothered to come on time, you would have heard my praise of the reading assigned. What did you think of Anderson?"

    "I thought he really gave the short shrift to Lowly Worm. Further study should be done on him." Sweetums sat down on the window ledge at the side of the classroom. The desks were too small for him, so the side was deemed to be the best spot, as Smalley found it intimidating when he sat up front along side him, eagerly taking notes and nodding at every point.

    "A good point to think about before today's discussion. Since the passage had five sections, if you could break into five groups, and each discuss a section. This will make the discussion….."

    The end of the sentence hung in the air.

    "Professor? Hello!"

    "What? Was I saying something?"

    "Yes! You were talking about us breaking into groups."

    "Oh yes, break into five groups and each discuss a passage."

    Desks swung around the classroom and everyone formed a group. Sweetums ran up towards some kids who only had four members in their group.

    "Hi guys!"

    "Um…" If looks could kill, then Sweetums would have been at least paralyzed by this point, but he disregarded their looks and opened his book.

    "So, we're doing the opening passage. What did you guys think of it?"

    Blank faces.

    Sweetums' expression turned to shock. "You guys didn't read it?"


    "Why not ? Aren't you worried about your grades? I sure am!"

    The four students collectively shrugged their shoulders, befuddling Sweetums.

    "But why? Don't you need your degree?"

    "No one checks out the GPA of a business major. It's all about the people skills, man. The moves. The looks."

    "My dad's a lawyer, I could just go work for him."

    "My mother's got plenty of alimony checks coming in, so I'm set for awhile."

    "I'm going to drop out of school soon and become a roadie for Deep Purple. They need someone to move those amps."

    Sweetums' eyes could have popped out of his head! How could these kids not take their education seriously?! After all, it was a privilege, not a right. He had saved up his money for a long time in order to go back to college, since he hadn't had the opportunity out of high school. The local monster boarding school turned him out after graduation, and he had to scramble for the best job possible. Sadly, that was beast of burden at Mad Man Mooney's until Kermit came by. Once in Hollywood, working with the rest of the Muppets proved to be exciting and fun, but he always wanted to hit the books again, to get that chance to better himself that, sadly, so few monsters did. He worked with Kermit to make sure he would miss as little studio time as possible, and he worked with Scooter to make sure all his work was accurate and proofread. Sometimes it was hard to type with such big hands.

    "Guys! You might not ever get this chance again! You have to pay attention and do the reading!"

    Four sets of eyes rolled in his direction.

    "Whatever, man."

    "How much time left in class?"

    "This is on Cliff's Notes, I think."

    "You don't need an education, you're a monster. You can just work construction or something."

    "EXCUSE ME!"

    Sweetums' blood boiled. "I don't need an education because I'm a monster?"

    A look of panic set in on the group's eyes.

    "Well…you can do whatever you want in the end…I was just saying…you know, a suggestion…hey, want the rest of my bagel?"

    Sweetums took a deep breath and composed himself.

    "No thanks, I had breakfast on the way. A yogurt and some Special K. But that's not the point! Monsters deserve an education just like everyone else! I used to work as a jack, and everyone called me Jack too! It was humiliating!"

    "Well, that's good you got to improve yourself."

    "Not all monsters are as lucky! I have to make the most out of this class."

    "Um……." The faces of the four students went blank, until the wannabe roadie spoke up.

    "So you've done the reading?"


    "Can I borrow your notes to make copies?"

    "AGGGH!" Sweetums stomped with his papers up to the professor's desk.

    "Professor Smalley! Professor Smalley!"

    Smalley was folding origami cranes out of post it notes and then organizing them into 3-4 football defenses as Sweetums rushed up to the desk.

    "Yes, Sweetley?"

    "It's Sweetums."

    "Okay, Sweetums. Yes?"

    "No one in this class is taking the reading seriously enough! I'm the only person in my group who read the article! Who can I talk about Lowly Worm with?"

    "Sweetums, what do you think about the 3-4 end rushers? Should I have another crane on the outside or should I have him back with the linebackers?"

    "AGGGH! If no one wants to talk about Lowly Worm with me, then I'll just leave!"

    Storming out the classroom like a monster possessed, Sweetums slammed the door behind me, mumbling all the way. "Maybe I'll just ask Thog if he's read this paper before! He'll have the time for this!"

    Meanwhile, the classroom slowly returned to what passed for normal, except for Sweetums' former group, where one question was on everyone's mind.

    "Do you think he'll still make copies of his notes for us?"
    Coming up "next": The adventures draw to a close as everyone returns home for a welcome back picnic.
    newsmanfan likes this.
  13. AlittleMayhem

    AlittleMayhem Well-Known Member

    Aww, poor Sweetums! He's tries so hard and no one cares. I know all to well how that feels.

    Another great chapter! :)
    charlietheowl likes this.
  14. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    How is it you manage to make me roar every time?

    Dang...I think I had those dweebs in MY classes...seems they still haven't graduated over 20 years later, and small wonder.

    Hilarious! Scarry lit crit! I for one thought Lowly Worm's running commentary through many of Scarry's books to be constructive and functioning not unlike a modern anthropomorphic Greek chorus of animalia, cueing the careful reader as to the socially accepted norms of Scarrytown.

    More! More! :)
    charlietheowl likes this.
  15. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Personally, I think academic research needs to look into how Lowly Worm was able to drive despite being a worm and having no arms and legs. Seems like quite the achievement if you ask me.

    Thank you for reading!
    newsmanfan likes this.
  16. WebMistressGina

    WebMistressGina Well-Known Member

    Why, why why do I keep missing updates about this!?

    Okay first - I could so see Fozzie's hand at Pyramid and the very fact that his bumbling in the end happened to be the clues that his partner needed was spot on!

    Second - Oh, Sweetums, how I feel your pain. Sadly, those losers are what give us give college people a bad name. And worse, they're the ones that end up with the good jobs because their parent enable them. Oh and pay back their loans. Hate those guys!

    I'll discuss Lowly Worm with ya, Sweetums! Except...um...I also...didn't read the material, only because this is the first I've heard about it. Now, if you'd like to discuss Grim with me, that would be helpful as I have an essay due on Tuesday.

    These are always awesome, CTO!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  17. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thank you for reading!
  18. LipsGF4Life

    LipsGF4Life Well-Known Member

  19. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Here is the final installment of the Summer Vacation story. I'd like to thank everybody who has read this fic through the eight months (!) it took me to finish this. I appreciate everyone who has read and commented, and thanks again!​
    You might want to listen to this song while reading the fic to set the mood right.​
    Muppet Boarding House Welcome Back Party!
    Saturday August 4th: 2 PM to whenever
    Please bring food, drinks, or first aid kits.
    Ridin' 'round town with all the windows down
    Eight track playin' all your fav'rite sounds

    "Gonzo, one of my friends in the Frog Scouts told me you were arrested for trying to surf across subway cars in New York City. Is that true?"

    "Robin, don't believe everything one of of your friends tells you. Now let's see all those badges you earned this summer."

    "Be back in a minute, they're in my room!"

    "Phew! Thank goodness I got him to change the subject."

    The rhythm of the bongos fill the park
    The street musicians tryin' to get a start

    "So did you guys sock it to them at the International Society of Tinkerers meeting?"


    "What did I say?!"

    "Meep, meep, meep."

    "I guess I could see how being chased by a giant sock would make you afraid of the word."

    "MEEP! MEEP."

    "I'm sorry! I'll make sure not to say sock again."

    "MEEP! MEEP!"

    "Sorry! I'll tell Kermit to keep them off the backstage this season. Hey chief! Chief! Beaker has a request!"

    'Cause it's summer
    Summer time is here
    Yes it's summer

    "Like, you wouldn't believe those things those little kids said to me!"

    "RUDE. RUDE!"

    "Fer sure."



    "You MARRIED?"

    My time of year
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year

    "I saw your news story about the fruit a few weeks ago."


    "Say, speaking of fruit, what do you get when you cross an apple with shellfish?"


    "A crab-apple! Wocka wocka wocka!"

    "I get it."

    "I got another. What do you call an angry apple?"


    "A crab-apple!"

    "That was the punch line to the last joke."

    "Yeah, I'm having a hard time branching out into other fruits."

    Stretched out on a blanket in the sand
    Kids of all ages diggin' Disneyland

    "Bok, bawk, bok bok bawk."

    "Really! Lowly Worm as a Trotsky figure? I never thought of that!"

    "Bok, bawk, bok? Bok bok bawk bok."

    "Gosh! I had no idea you were so versed in Richard Scarry critique. Have you read anything on the Berenstein Bears?"

    "Bok, bawk-bok bok."

    "Yes, they certainly do challenge post-modern ideals of the family. Say, do you want any more coleslaw?"

    Rappin' on the C.B. radio in your van
    We'll give a big "ten four" to the truckin' man

    "Gee, I'm glad I brought my paper towels, these ribs sure are messy."

    "You always come through in the clutch, Lew. Thanks a lot buddy."

    "What do you think we'll be doing on the new season, Rowlf?"

    "Probably whatever we come up with four seconds before the camera turns on."

    "So the same as it ever was!"

    "Yup! Pass me the potato salad, por favor."

    'Cause it's summer
    Summer time is here
    Yes it's summer

    "I'm sorry Wayne, I just don't think that kind of act is going to work."

    "But I have to reinvent myself Kermit! The audience wants something new, something bold, and I have it!"

    "But I think this might be a little too bold. Have you tried giving Wanda flowers and chocolate? Maybe then she'll work with you again."

    "But Kermit! I already bought my acoustic guitar and harmonica! They're Neil Young-endorsed models!"

    "Wayne, I don't think protest songs are right for you. What are you going to be protesting?"

    "They raised the price on whitening strips at the pharmacy by TWO dollars! It's an outrage!"

    My time of year
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year

    "So a giant sock attacked you?"

    "Well, Nigel, yes, but it wasn't a total loss."

    "You broke your arm and the sock broke the machine. How wasn't it a total loss?"

    "Well, the sock got a contract dancing on Broadway, he's going to be a star!"

    Young boys playin' stick ball in the street
    Fire hydrants help to beat the heat

    "And I'm hoping that they let us film a movie version of the play, my performance of Brick deserves a wider audience."

    "So you won't get hit in the face by anything they throw at you when you're up there?"

    "No, so I can get my first well deserved Oscar. I can see it now, Best Actor- Link Hogthrob."

    "Trust me, Oscar the Grouch will be getting an Oscar before you do."

    Old man feeding pigeons in the square
    Nighttime finds young lovers walking there

    "I saw your play this summer."

    "Well, Mister Statler, moi is not interested in hearing what you have to say about my play."

    "Fine then! Turn down a compliment."

    "A compliment?"


    "Well, I guess I could listen for a little bit."

    "Your play gave me the best two hours of sleep I got all summer! Oh-ho!"

    'Cause it's summer
    Summer time is here
    Yes it's summer

    "So I says to her, how about you come back with me to my hotel room, hokay?"

    "Was Long John Silver's closed?"

    "Excuse me Waldorfs, but she liked my music."

    "That's a first!"

    "So negative! I think you is jealous, hokay?"

    "Actually, no. Now, where's the shrimp cocktail?"

    My time of year
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year

    "Come on! Please! Please! The record company will give you a big bonus! I'll record one of your songs! Please! I need you!"

    "Look, Wanda, I can't just abandon the Mayhem to tickle the ivories for your solo endeavor. They're my family."

    "But you can meet Rod Stewart! And Lionel Richie!"

    "Dr. Teeth doesn't meet with squares, baby."

    In Atlantic City or out in Malibu
    Or any where between, I'm telling you

    "So did you see me out there? Trying to chase the leaf blower?"


    "How come you didn't help me try to catch it? It was hard work!"


    "Oh, I see."


    "Wait! You didn't answer my question! Or did you? Understanding a foreign language is so hard!"

    When you feel those balmy breezes on your face
    Summer time is the best time any place

    "You got arrested this summer? For arson? Does Kermit know about this? We can't have any common criminals working for us?"

    "It vusn't me fooult!"

    "Sure, sure. That's what they all say!"

    "Zee ooneeun deed ittt!"

    "An onion? You expect me to believe an onion set a restaurant on fire? Goodness! A moral failing!"

    'Cause it's summer
    Summer time is here
    Yes it's summer

    "So how was your summer? Mine was fun, taking helicopter lessons and all."


    "You don't talk much for a guy named Lips, you know. Where's Scooter?"

    My time of year
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year
    'Cause it's summer
    Summer time is here
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year
    Yes it's summer
    My time of year
  20. AlittleMayhem

    AlittleMayhem Well-Known Member

    An excellent end to a great fic! Well done, Charlie! Have an internet hug!
    charlietheowl likes this.

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