Hi guys! I don't know if this is publicly known, but my dear friend Leyla is celebrating her birthday today, May 18th, and I thought to myself, self, what better day to post your newest fan-fiction than today! Especially since the subtitle of this fan-fic is "Prawnie's Ushy-Gushy Fan-Fic". Anyway, this is the first in a three part trilogy (Most trilogies ARE three parts-unless you're talking to Lisa...). I really hope you enjoy it! So, here it is, "Men Are Pigs". Happy Birthday, Leyla! <~><~><~><~><~> Chapter 1 "Mm," Miss Piggy hummed lightly to herself. "Sometimes a girl just needs to take a day off to herself." Cucumber slices covered her eyes, and her hair was pulled back in a towel. The only article of clothing on her body were her two famous purple gloves. A woman with large blonde hair; yes, large; was painting Miss Piggy’s toenails while smacking her gum loudly. "So, tell me, hon, what are you takin’ a break from?" "Oh, moi’s show," Piggy said arrogantly. "My co- hmph, well you can hardly call them stars, but moi’s co-workers can hardly get along without moi, but, alas, they must." The woman smacked her gum and dipped the toenail brush in the polish. "Which show is it?" "Well, right now we’re debating for a new title, ‘The Miss Piggy Variety Hour’," Piggy said smugly from behind her cucumber slice eyes. "But as of now we are still the humble little Muppet Show." "Oh, I love The Muppet Show," the woman said between gum smacks. "Who are you?" Miss Piggy frowned and sat straight up, sending her cucumbers falling off her eyes. She shot a direct glare at the smacky woman. "Vous do not know who moi am?" She growled at her. The woman rose her finely trimmed eyebrow at Miss Piggy. "No, should I?" "Well, duh!" Piggy shouted. "Moi am Miss Piggy! The star of the show!" "The star?" the woman asked. "I thought that cute lookin’ frog was the star." "That cute looking frog is mine!" Piggy shouted. "He doesn’t seem to think so," the woman said. "Latest gossip I heard, sweety, was that ‘your’ frog was out with a different girl every night!" Piggy smirked. "No," she said. "That was moi with a different outfit every night." "You keep telling yourself that, hun," the woman said. "And you keep telling yourself that you should mind your own business!" Piggy shouted, stamping out of the chair into her high heels, and stomping out in her towels and gloves. The woman pulled her gum out of her mouth and flicked it into a wastebasket. "Maybe I shoulda told her that her toenails weren’t dry." <~><~><~><~><~> Kermit the Frog shielded his eyes. Fozzie was covering his face with his hat. Sam Eagle was collapsed on the floor next to him. Scooter was frowning behind his clipboard. Rowlf was sitting prophetically, trying not to bust out laughing. Clifford had already burst out laughing. Link Hogthrob, who stood on stage, shirtless, pushed his blonde hair back and rose his eyebrows in Kermit’s direction. "Well," he said. "What did you think?" Kermit scrunched up his face. "Somehow, I think that an-" he glanced at Scooter’s clipboard. "‘All-pig’ version of ‘I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt’ won’t... well, let’s just say Sam is warming the floor up for the rest of our guests if you do that number." "Nice," Rowlf said. Kermit shook his head. "Next! Please!" Kermit shouted. "And someone dress the pig!" Beauregard stuck his head out from behind the stage curtain as Link strutted his stuff across the stage. "What do you want me to dress him in?" Beauregard asked. "I have a nice cinnamon glaze." "Go wit’ da barbecue sauce," Rizzo the Rat said as he walked on stage wearing an earpiece. Beauregard blinked. "Ri-ght." Kermit shook his head again. "Please tell me we have something good on next," Kermit said to Scooter. Scooter looked down at his clipboard. "Well, chief, it looks like we’ve got The Great Gonzo and his Cha-Cha Chickens singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’." Kermit looked around him, at Rowlf, Scooter, and Clifford. "Can any of you blink?" he asked. They all shook their heads. Kermit sighed. "We need to keep someone who can handy at all times." "I’ll pencil in auditions for blinkers next week," Scooter said. "Good," Kermit said. "Alright, send in the chickens." "Send in the chickens!" Scooter said to the mouthpiece on his head. "Send in da chickens!" Rizzo shouted from backstage. "Send in the chickens!" shouted a large, blue Muppet with purple hair and a large jaw who ran on stage. "Clyde! Where are the chickens?" "They're still getting dressed, Butch!" squealed a smaller pink Muppet, running on stage behind the blue Muppet. "Boss Butch. Butch Boss?" "Kermit's the boss now," Butch whispered. "Oh, yeah," Clyde said. Kermit frowned. "Are you two done?" "Oh, yeah!" Butch shouted. "Sorry boss!" "Yeah, sorry!" Clyde shouted as well. "Will you cut that out?" Butch scolded. "No, no," the Great Gonzo said as he walked onto the stage in a black jump suit, with chickens following behind him, each in a shining silver tutu. "I cut my spleen out on next weeks show." Kermit shook his head. "Alright Gonzo, show us what you've got." "I think he's got chickens," Fozzie said. Kermit scrunched up his face. "Gonzo?" "Yes?" Gonzo called back from the stage. "Start your act!" Kermit shouted in utter annoyance. Clifford laughed. "Easy, Kerm," Clifford said. "Remember your blood pressure." Fozzie turned to Rowlf. "Can cold blooded animals have blood pressure?" Rowlf pondered this, then looked at Kermit. "If they live with Piggy they can." "Hit it!" Gonzo shouted. In the band pit, the Electric Mayhem, led by Dr. Teeth, began to jam on their instruments. Gonzo began to dance, with the chickens following him as backup dancers. "You can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a chicken’s thing: no time to talk!" Gonzo sang, with the chickens clucking and strutting (literally) their stuff about the stage. "Music loud, and chickens crispy, I’ve been beat about since 1960-" "Seventy-six," Scooter muttered. "But it’s alright, it’s okay And you may look the other way We can try to understand The New York Times’ effect on man!" Gonzo continued singing. "Whether you’re a chicken Or whether a’ticklin’ You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Fell your bones breakin’ and your whole body shakin’ And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!" "Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk," the chickens clucked. "Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!" "Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk." "Stayin’ alive!" Gonzo shouted, his eyelids pulled to the back of his head as he gleefully danced around the stage with his chickens. "Well now, I get low, I get high And if I can’t get either, I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I’m a crazy man! And I just can’t lose! "You know, it’s alright, it’s okay I’ll live to see another day We can try to understand The New York Times’ effect on man!" "Whether you’re a chicken Or whether a’ticklin’ You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Fell your bones breakin’ and your whole body shakin’ And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!" Gonzo sang, the chickens still joining behind him. "Um, Kermit," Scooter whispered to the frog as Gonzo and the chickens continued dancing about the stage. "Hm?" Kermit said, not breaking his vision of the stage. "Is Miss Piggy in this number?" Scooter asked. Kermit’s face twisted up. "No, Scooter, of course not," Kermit said. "Why?" "Because she’s here." Kermit’s view shot back up at the stage. "Uh oh." Kermit gulped. "Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk-" "I’m stayin’ alive!" "Not for long you’re not!" Miss Piggy shouted at the weirdo and the chickens. The music stopped abruptly. "Uh oh," Floyd Pepper said. "Looks like Piggy’s about to put Gonzo on one of those crash diets!" Floyd laughed. "Rully," Janice said. "But he’d, like, probably enjoy it." "Piggy, what are you doing?" Kermit asked, walking towards the stage. Piggy turned to Kermit, and growled. "Kermie, why is there a weirdo taking my act?" "Your act?" Kermit asked. "Since when was it your act?" "Since I was so graciously asked to perform it on ‘American Idol’," Piggy said, pushing her hair back pompously. Kermit frowned. "Piggy, you didn’t even sing, you just made a small appearance!" "Don’t talk details with me, frog!" Piggy said. "I know what I did- and at least I was there." Kermit shook his head. "It doesn’t matter Piggy," he said. "What matters is, this is not your number!" "Yes it is!" Piggy countered, not as brilliantly as she had hoped. "No, it is not!" Kermit fought right back. "What are you saying?" Piggy glared down at the frog. "I’m saying that you, Miss Piggy, are wrong!" Kermit shouted. "You’re always wrong!" The Muppet Theater grew deathly silent. Everyone looked at each other. Piggy stood, staring, mouth agape at Kermit. "How... how could you?" she asked quietly. Kermit looked down at his flippers. Fozzie looked at Rowlf sadly. Gonzo looked at Camilla. Clifford looked at Scooter. Sam Eagle sat up from the floor, rubbing his head. "Mm, what did I miss? Dare I even ask such a thing." Piggy bit her bottom lip. "Well Kermit the Frog! Let moi tell vous something!" she shouted. "We are over!" she screamed. She moaned once and ran off to her dressing room, slamming the door behind her. Kermit turned around and looked at everyone. He gulped loudly. "We’re- we’re not over," he said. "We- we can’t be over, if we were never together." Gonzo looked down at Kermit. "Kermit, are you alright?" he asked calmly. Kermit nodded swiftly. "I’m fine. Great act, Gonzo, you’re in the show." Kermit stormed back to his seat and sat down. Rowlf, Scooter, Clifford, and Fozzie exchanged glances. "Kermit," Fozzie said. "Are you sure you’re okay?" he asked, putting his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. "I’m fine, Fozzie," Kermit said. "Scooter what’s our next act?" Scooter looked down at his clipboard. "The Swedish Chef," he said. Kermit nodded. "Put him on." "Put him on, Rizzo," Scooter said into his mouthpiece. "Put ‘im on what?" Rizzo asked from backstage. "If I put ‘im on anyt’ing, he’s gonna put me in a souffle." "Just start the sketch!" Kermit shouted. Sam looked around the theater. "Are you sure I did not miss anything?" he asked Rowlf. Rowlf shook his head. "Nothing, Sam, just the big scene that outlines the entire plot." "Oh," Sam said blankly. "Very well then." <~><~><~><~><~> Piggy slammed herself down into her chair at her vanity. She looked at a framed picture of Kermit on the vanity and knocked it onto the floor. "Ugh!" she groaned. "Men are pigs!" "You’re telling me," Link Hogthrob said from the couch behind Piggy. Piggy shot around. "What are you doing here, air head?" "Relaxing after such an exhausting number," Link said. "I just hope I didn’t make the other performers too-" he pushed his hair back on his head. "Jealous of me." Piggy rolled her eyes. "I don’t think you have too much to worry about. No one could be jealous of-" Piggy stopped herself. Her mouth slowly opened back up. "That’s it!" "Huh?" Link asked. Piggy grabbed Link by his wrist, and pulled him out of the dressing room. "Come on, dumb, pompous, and gullible," she said. "We’ve got a jealous frog to make!" "But I didn’t get to moose my hair!" Link shouted. "There’s a moose at the boarding house," Piggy said. "Just come on!" "Where are we going again?" Link asked. Piggy groaned. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."