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Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, May 18, 2007.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hey... Isn't it about time you updated this story Prawn? Fright, thought so. Post more or penguins will fly!
  2. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Coming, coming! I'm writing! I'm writing!
  3. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 7

    "Ah ha," Kermit said with a frown. "Um, Animal?"

    "Yah?" Animal asked, wide-eyed, from behind his drum set on stage.

    "I don’t think the stage can handle another performance of that song," Kermit said.

    Animal blinked. "No more love song?"

    Kermit shook his head. "Not when it’s a high-octane version of ‘Unforgettable.’"

    Fozzie rubbed his head. "The headache it gave me is certainly unforgettable..."

    Kermit nodded. "Go bye-bye, Animal."

    "Go bye-bye!" Animal shouted, pushing his drum set off stage. Quite literally actually, right off the stage, back into the band pit.

    Clifford propped his feet up on the seat in front of him. "Now what?"

    "A death-defying spectacle of unbeknownst proportions?" Gonzo asked wildly.
    "What?" Fozzie asked.

    Gonzo shrugged. "I’m not sure. I just thought I’d ask."

    "Man, I just wish you’d hurry it up with this next act," Floyd called from the band pit (that was noticeably missing Janice). "We can’t be real musicians if we’re workin’ all day!"

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "We wouldn’t want that... Scooter, what’s the next number?"

    Scooter looked down at the clipboard and grinned. "I- uh, well I think I’ll keep it a surprise."

    "It’s not the union of susceptible jack hammers again, is it?" Kermit asked.

    "No, I can promise you that much, boss," Scooter said.

    "Oh good. Alright Gonzo, give the go ahead," Kermit told the weirdo.

    "Check!" Gonzo shouted. "Gonzo to Rowlf, Gonzo to Rowlf! Launch the next number!" he said into his headpiece.

    Rowlf nodded. "You got it," he said into a matching headpiece from backstage. "Alright ladies, you’re up!"

    Janice, Camilla, and Skeeter grinned from behind Rowlf. "Thanks Rowlf!" Skeeter said as they began to walk onto the stage.

    "Knock ‘em dead," Rowlf called after them. "‘Course ya already killed Gonzo, Clifford, and Floyd inside, but who am I to judge? I’m just a dog," he mumbled.

    "Bragawk!" Camilla clucked loudly as the girls took position on stage.

    "What’d she say?" Dr. Teeth asked.

    "Hit it!" Skeeter shouted.

    The band did as they were told, striking up their instruments. Floyd kept watch on Janice out of the corner of his eye.

    "I come home in the morning light
    My mother says, ‘When ya gonna live your life right?’
    " Skeeter sang.

    "Like, mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones
    And girls just wanna have fun, rully," Janice sang.

    "Oh girls just wanna have fun," Skeeter and Janice harmonized.

    "Brawk bagawk bawk byuck brawk
    Buck bawk bruck bawk brawk bragawk," Camilla clucked.

    "Oh, daddy dear, you know you’re still number one," Janice sang.

    "But girls they want to have fun
    Oh girls just want to have-"

    "That’s all they really want
    Some fun
    When the working day is done
    Girls- they want to have fun
    Girls just want to have fun," all three girls sang, Camilla just tried to cluck along.

    "I think they’re saying we weren’t any fun!" Gonzo said.

    Clifford rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. "What gave ya that idea?"

    Skeeter took center stage and pierced a gaze through Clifford’s shades, and continued singing. "Some guys take a beautiful girl
    And hide her away from the rest of the world
    I wanna be the one to walk in the sun!" Skeeter sang. Clifford sunk down into his seat slowly.

    "Oh girls just wanna have fun
    Like, girls just wanna have-" Janice sang.

    "Brawk byuck bragawk bawk!" Camilla clucked.

    "Some fun
    When the working day is done
    Girls- they want to have fun
    Oh girls just want to have fun."

    "They want to have fun," Janice sang.

    "Brawk bagawk brawk," Camilla sang.

    "They want to have fun!" Skeeter shouted.

    By this time Floyd had dropped his guitar in disbelief. Gonzo and Clifford stared up at the stage with their mouths open. The entire theater sat silent for a few seconds.

    Until Fozzie and Scooter broke out in manic applause. "Yeah! Yeah! Oh, that was so good!" Fozzie applauded. "Didn’t you think so, Kermit?"

    "Yeah, wasn’t that just great boss?" Scooter asked. "I think they should open this weeks show!"

    Kermit gulped, knowing for certain he was getting glares from a whatever, a bass player, and a... catfish type thing. "Well... uh, we still have other acts to-"

    "No, no, that was it, wasn’t it, Scooter?" Fozzie asked.

    "Yeah, boss!" Scooter said, both the bear and the go-fer leaned in close to the frog.

    "Well... um... I don’t see why-"

    "That’s fantastic!" Scooter declared.

    Clifford cracked his knuckles. "I’m about to add a fantastic sized bruise to your cheek," he muttered.

    "At least it wasn’t Piggy up there, right Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

    "Left Kermit," Fozzie said.

    Kermit slapped his head and sunk down into his seat as the men argued, and the women walked off stage triumphantly.

    <~><~><~><~><~>

    Kermit kept his eyes glued to the pavement, drawing his trench coat close to his neck as he walked out of the theater. The walk home had gotten longer these days, without a pretty pig or a bouncing nephew walking with him and holding his hand.

    "This dumb trench coat," he muttered. "It’s blazing out here, and I have to wear this thing just to maintain my image."

    "Hey, frog, watch where you're goin'!" a voice shouted at him.

    Kermit looked up, and his eyes were blinded as a camera went off in his face. Kermit brought his hand in front of his face. "Ach," he cried. "What is going on?"

    The photographer let his camera hang from his chest, pulling out a notepad and pen from his ear. "Name’s Vic Romano, reporter slash photographer for ‘Slanderous Junk Weekly’, you must've heard of us," the man said with a thick New Jersey accent.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "I’m- uh, well, I’m afraid not. Now if you’ll excuse me-"

    "Whadaya mean haven’t heard of us?" Vic Romano shouted. "We’re on every newsstand in these here U-nited States!"

    Kermit frowned. "I try to stay away from the tabloids. I really have to be-"

    "Are you kiddin’ me, Frog?" Vic Romano laughed. "You practically are the tabloids these days!"

    Kermit let his eyes meet that of the reporter slash photographer. "Pardon?"

    "You mean you don't know?" Vic Romano asked. "You and those two pigs have made the front pages for almost a week! It’s amazin’ gettin’ a picture of that girl pig, though. She practically poses for ‘em!"

    Kermit frowned again. "How do ya mean?" he asked.

    "Heh, come with me, Frog. You've got a lot to see." Vic Romano put his hand on Kermit’s back, walking him down the sidewalk.

    The next thing Kermit knew, he was standing in front of a newsstand, eyes glued on the hundreds of copies of "Slanderous Junk Weekly" set up along the boards.

    "Hey, slimey," the newsstand owner said to Kermit. "Ya gonna buy somethin’ or what? This ain't no museum."

    Vic Romano leaned against a telephone pole, smacking on an apple. "Buy one, Frog, you’ll be impressed, I’m sure."

    "Somehow I doubt that." Kermit muttered, forcefully pulling out his wallet. He walked up to the clerk, "One, please," he practically demanded.

    The salesmen took Kermit's money and handed him a copy of the magazine. "Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?"

    Vic Romano swallowed his bite of apple. "Page thirteen."

    Kermit took a seat on the curb at Vic Romano’s feet. The cover was enough to rip the poor frog to shreds, a picture of Miss Piggy and Link, one of each of their hands clasped together, and Piggy's other hand waving to the camera.

    In big, bold, red letters, splattered above Piggy's head, it read: "PIG ON PIG ROMANCE! DOES THE PUBLIC APPROVE?" Kermit scoffed. "Does the public approve?" he asked aloud. "Since when does Piggy care what the public-"

    "You’ll find out that the answer’s yes." Vic Romano kneeled down besides Kermit.

    Kermit frowned. "You know, you’re not helping," he said blankly. He returned his attention to the magazine. Down in the bottom right hand corner of the cover was a picture of Kermit from a past show, when he sang "Bein’ Green", he looked positively miserable. Underneath, it read: "Frog Wallows in Grief, Pig Wallows in Link, the Exclusive Story, page 17."

    "Yeah, not a very flattering picture, I must admit." Vic Romano had sat down now. "But open up, there are some good ones of you and the pig before the spat."

    "No thanks." Kermit shoved the magazine in Vic Romano’s chest. He stood up and began to walk away.

    "Hey, where ya goin’?" Vic Romano called. "Don’t I get an exclusive interview? You know, for showin’ ya the real story?"

    Kermit stopped dead in his tracks, his back still facing Vic Romano. "Here’s an exclusive story for you," he said without turning around. "Frog hires dynamite plunger-happy lunatic to take out annoying reporter slash photographer."

    Vic Romano laughed. "Nice talkin’ to ya, Frog. See ya ‘round the swamp sometime."

    "Only if you're really, really lucky," Kermit said, starting to walk again.

    "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Vic Romano called down the sidewalk.

    "If you’re really, really lucky," Kermit called back. "In the swamp, that means you’ve just seen an alligator."

    "Yeah, what about here in the city?" Vic Romano asked.

    Kermit finally turned around, and smirked. "Watch out for semis."

    The frog turned around, and slowly walked away.
  4. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <GLOMP!> <GLOMP OF GREAT GLOMPINESS!>

    LOVE this line! It just makes me squeefulate. ...<Adds to PTD>

    I ADORE THIS LINE! I ADORE IT TO PIECES! And not just because it's Rowlf, although I will admit, that DOES play a part. <Ahem> But it's ROWLF and it's OHHHHHHHH they're hurting inside! THE GUYS ARE HURTING INSIDE! DEAD inside! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh okay all right I give up I surrender I FEEL BAD FOR THE GUYS NOW! Oy, WRENCH it out of me why don't you... and with my OWN ROOMMATE! Oyyyyyy... I grieve...

    LOVE that. He misses her, and... <sigh> It just sorta shows his devotion to her in a very, very small way. Can't get your mind off of that girl, eh Floyd?

    OUCH. Ohhhhhh, HE'S still so stuck on HER, too, and just... She SO aimed that RIGHT at him, and it had SUCH an affect and... Oy, but we girls are a ruthless bunch, aren't we? ...For your own safety, do NOT answer that.

    THEY'RE ALL HURTING! ALL! IN! PAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIN! And the girls SO got their point across! PRAWNIE! How can you confuse me like this? How can you make me HURT so much for the guys and cheer on the girls at the same time? CURSES! GARGH!

    ...Okay, so, not ALL in pain. HAAAAAAA! LOVE that Scooter and Fozzie are SO siding with the girls! ...Well, okay, so Scooter is siding with the girls, and Fozzie is either siding with the girls or ignoring/oblivious to the situation all together. But STILL! LOVE that it's those two!

    <Giggles> And Kermit is SO caught. LOVE the description of Clifford! And, I don't feel like quoting it, but I LOVE how they just kind of pressure him into making that the opening of the show!

    And past here, it won't let me quote, so... I just may have to make another post. Don't mind me. In the mean time- MORE PLEASE!
  5. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Ooh! Vonderful! Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Vic and SJW! Yaeeeyyy! Post more!
  6. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Call me a sadistic, evil woman, but I love the way he hurts. He deals with pain in such a comedic way. Like, HELLO, Clifford- why not APOLOGIZE to Skeeter instead of punching her brother's lights out? I guarantee, one is MUCH more likely to win her back than the other.

    Muppet Central members and guests, please plug your ears.
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
    And, okay, you KNOW how much I love the scene with VIC! With SLANDEROUS JUNK WEEKLY! WHEEEEEEE! <Ahem> But I just thought I'd reiterate that I LOVE IT SO MUCH! And I LOVE the thing about "Only if you're really, really lucky" and "Watch out for semis" and WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AND KERMIT'S SUGGESTION FOR THE EXCLUSIVE STORY! OH I AM A HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TOGA! WHEEEEEEEEEE!

    <Ahem.> Now then.

    MORE PLEASE!

    Edit: Thanks for interjecting so this wasn't a double-post, Ed!
  7. Leyla

    Leyla Member

    <deeeeep breath>
    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....

    <backs up a few paces>
    Thump. Thump. Thump.

    <backs up a few more>
    Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

    <ponders>
    Hmmmm...

    <backs up, why not, a few more>
    Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

    <exhales>
    Whoooooooosh...

    <inhales>
    Ahhhhhhhh...

    <darts towards target at top speed>
    ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThump

    <GLOMP!>

    WHEEEEEEEEEE!

    Okay, we both know I've been Lurky mcLurk Lurk lately... and I honestly DO expect that to change... but anyway, I'm sorry I've been hidden away... but! You know I love ya, AND your story, right? Cause, of course! It's one of my all-time favorites of yours really, and you even started posting it on my birthday, which is too classy for words!

    You do know how to my a gal feel loved, you rascal. <ruffles Prawnie's hair>

    I already knew I was going to love this conversation by this point. Animal is SO much fun, and for whatever reason, I love it when he talks to Kermit. They're such opposites, and yet, I think there's a little Kermit in Animal, and a little Animal in Kermit. (Just don't ask me to give evidence. My essay writing days are, for the most part, behind me.)

    Also... "Yah?" I love how you spelled that! I know, I know, what difference does it make. Well, when you're obsessive about such things, then it makes a big difference, and little words like that make such a big impact on me. See, I actually think about how I'm going to spell words like, "um," and "uh huh," and "mmhmm." And I even think about which one I'm going to choose... for instance, is Kermit going to say 'um' or 'uh'... I will actually turn that over in my head for a while, until I pick the one that sounds right in my head. (Betcha you didn't know I was that crazy.) The point is... "yah?" is awesome spelling that makes me very very happy. Thank you.

    <laughs!> Oh, yeah... that's a beautiful thing. I was listening to "Tenderly" just yesterday, and thinking of how fantastic it is. Makes me want to jump around wildly. Animal's rendition of Unforgettable would certainly live up to its name I'm sure.

    Fozzie is only not funny when he's on stage.

    I love Kermit... so... low-key... until enough of his buttons have been pushed. The mind of anyone else in his position would have snapped like an old rubber band YEARS ago, annd whilst I have my doubts of Kermit's sanity... he does love them, and he does know how to talk to the muppets. "Go bye- bye, Animal." Beautiful.

    So... they just watched Animal performing "Unforgettable," and Gonzo's still looking for something death-defying? That's our dear whatever, isn't it, whatever it is. So, that on it's own, is funny enough, and then Fozzie asks what? and, you know, it took me awhile to catch on that he's actually wondering what Gonzo's idea is... not, say, in fear for his life, not, as I would be, trying to brace for impact, but just...what? So open...and that's Fozzie too, no matter how many times he gets burned, always open.

    I wish there was more muppet in the world, and no, I didn't for get the 's'. Not more Muppets... more muppet.

    <laughs!>
    I have a degree in music. Not only would this make musicians laugh... it would make them nod their heads in agreement. Prawnie, you rock.

    Frog knows musicians too.

    Nice little ribbing (not ribbiting!) of the boss there from Scooter. For all of his "Yes, boss" and "Sure thing"-ing, Scooter is a positive expert in giving Kermit a hard time... and he's one of the most subtle at it too, and I like to see that tweaking now and again.

    I don't know what they're susceptible to, but given their uh, occupation, it can't be headaches... uunless of course it IS headaches, which would be beautifully ironic and very muppety.

    Was anyone else VERY glad Gonzo said that to Rowlf, and not to virtually ANY other muppet? "What? Launch? Well, if you say so..." or perhaps, "What? Lunch the next number? Great, I've been so hungry today..."

    OOoh, ouch, Rowlf. I'll assume that was with the break up, and not their hard work before the break up.:p

    Love the song choice, rully very fun. Nice to see the girls teaming up to put the guys in their place after that nasty little display not too long ago.

    Am I the only one who hears this in Larry King's voice? I am? Hmm. Just checking.

    <giggleS> Scooter being manipulative, for the sheer joy of it? Check.
    Fozzie being a naive pawn with a heart of gold? Check.

    Frog caught awkwardly and innocently in the middle with no clear escape route? Check check.

    Also... CATFISH! Prawnie I LOVE you ...like the auntie...granny I am.

    Aww... <sniff> Now that is a sure way to get to my heart. Without a pretty pig or a bouncing nephew. Goodness... like shooting Layla in a barrel... and believe me, I'm an easier target than fish would be.


    What a BRILLLIANT line, Prawnie! I mean, that's SO funny! Where on earth did you find that inspired piece of dialogue?;)

    I'm always sort of impressed with Kermit that he still has the strength to ask that question after so many years of Muppet chaos.

    YAY! Love the reference, love that he actually says "slash" and love the accent.

    How I want that to be true.

    <snickers> That's my girl! Well... that's Kermit's girl! Or... she will be again anyway!

    Has it been THAT long since you've been around Piggy, Kermit?

    Ha! Great line!

    <giggles> Wow... heartbreaking for Kermit, very funny and just a little bit disturbing. You pack a lot in a paragraph, Prawn!

    More evidence that public opinion has never matched up with mine. Fascinating idea though, that the public approves Piggy and Link... intriguing.

    Well, he's not really trying to Kermit. Don't worry! I'm still in your corner! The headlines are fantastic PRawnie... very grating and cruel and... yeah... true to tabloid form.

    Ooh, good Kermit and Piggy pics? I wanna see them!

    Oooh, go froggy! I've always wondered why he hired Harry. I guess he was too kind hearted to put him to good use in the past. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Harry's gotta blow us all up sky-high...

    Oooooh, NICE reference!

    <laughs> Wow, dark from our erstwhile frog, but I like it. Nice spin on the old line, and one can hardly blame, Kermit!

    So... am I forgiven my lurkiness yet?
  8. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Man, I wanted to give this chapter a detailed review because it is that awesome, but your other half and your other third did a pretty good job of it so there's not much else I can say. My highlights though would be:

    Animal "Go bye bye" - Muppet Babies!
    The girls singing and I love how Skeeter looked right at Clifford with the line "I want to be the one to walk in the sun"
    Fozzie and Kermit, right and left
    VIC ROMANO! Slanderous Junk Weekly! AWESOME! I loved it and it was just a great addition, seriously awesome!

    Ok, now go write some more!
  9. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 8

    Gonzo walked out of the Boarding House bathroom. "Well," Kermit said. "How did it go?"

    "Fine, I guess," Gonzo said. "But I didn’t get to go to the bathroom."

    Kermit frowned. "What did you get to do?"

    "Be a part of an exciting new five step relationship program," Gonzo said.

    Floyd looked at Kermit and blinked. "You are so lucky," Kermit said.

    "Why’s that, green stuff?" Floyd asked. "My gal left me too."

    "Yeah," Kermit said. "But you can blink."

    "Mm." Floyd nodded. "Got me there."

    "Well, who’s next?" Clifford asked.

    "Floyd," Kermit said. "He lost the toss."

    "Yeah, well," Floyd said. "The frog cheated. I tossed the coin, and he said ‘Don’t blink.’ I’m always blinkin’ man!"

    "I knew my lack of eyelids would come in handy someday," Kermit said.

    "Rotten frog, sayin’ I was lucky..." Floyd muttered as he walked into the bathroom.

    Clifford leaned against the railing. "Hope it doesn’t take Floyd too long," he said. "I’m runnin’ outta things to throw off the railing at Bean."

    "Finally!" Bean Bunny hopped up off the ground downstairs.

    "Heh, heh." Clifford laughed. "So, Gonzo, tell us how it all went down in there."

    Gonzo shrugged. "It’s pretty much just what you’d expect from that sort of thing," he said. "Where’s Camilla?"

    "Still in session," Clifford said, pointing down the hall where Skeeter, Janice, and Miss Piggy stood, all not so much as glancing at the men.

    "She’s sure been in there a long time," Kermit said.

    "She does have a lot to vent about," Clifford said. "‘Nuff to write a book about, I think."

    "Yeah," Kermit remarked. "Like ‘Chicken Coop for the Teenage Soul’?"

    "I thought Fozzie went with Aunt Marge and Robin for ice cream," Rowlf said as he climbed the stairs. "Looks like his jokes leave quite the aftermath."

    "Yeah Kermit," Gonzo said. "I didn’t think it was very funny at all."

    "You wouldn’t." Clifford smirked.

    "Yeah, well, you won’t think it’s funny when he starts making jokes about misses Skeeter Fiama!" Gonzo said.

    "Alright, that’s it!" Clifford shouted. "When I get through with ya your nose is gonna be so straight, Bunsen’ll be able to use it as a straight edge!"

    "Is that a threat?" Gonzo shouted.

    "Nah, I’m askin’ ya out to go dancin’," Clifford said sarcastically.

    "Well, show’s how much you know! Because I don’t have any dancing shoes!" Gonzo huffed, he folded his arms and walked down the stairs.

    Clifford lowered his glasses. "Guy’s got problems."

    Kermit stared at Clifford. "How long have you lived here?"

    "Long enough to know that whatever lies in that bathroom, it ain’t worth my time," Clifford said. "Catch ya later, Kerm. I’m gonna go dig up my little black book." Clifford said, walking away to his room.

    Meanwhile, down the hall, Skeeter pulled back her sleeve and checked her watch. "Alright, I quit! C’mon, Janice, let’s go."

    "Like, okay," Janice said. "But should we wake Piggy?"

    Miss Piggy snored loudly as she lay up against the railing. Kermit shook his head. Rowlf chuckled to himself.

    "Nah," Skeeter said. "She needs all the beauty rest she can get."

    "Oh, like, that’s not nice," Janice said as she and Skeeter walked towards Kermit. "Though, totally true."

    The two girls giggled as they passed by Kermit and Rowlf. "Hi ladies," Kermit said with a smile.

    The two of them turned to look at him. Skeeter snubbed him off and walked away. Janice bit her lip and bent down to Kermit’s eye level. "Like, sorry, Kermit, but we’re totally not supposed to talk to you. Later!" Janice waved, running to catch up with Skeeter.

    Kermit sighed. "Good grief..." he groaned, sliding down against the railing as well.

    Rowlf sat down next to him. "Havin’ a fun week, eh?"

    Kermit smirked. "You have no idea."

    "Nope," Rowlf said. "And I plan to keep it that way."

    "Then what are you doing up here?" Kermit asked.

    "The fire hydrant was occupied," Rowlf said.

    The bathroom door opened again and Floyd came out shaking his head. "Man, oh man, green stuff," Floyd said. "You’re in for a real... well... a real treat. Hah, hah, hah." Floyd laughed.

    "How so?" Kermit asked.

    "Oh, you’ll see. Just go on in. Big blue’s lookin’ for ya," Floyd said.

    "Big... blue?" Kermit asked, looking skeptically at Rowlf, who shrugged.

    "Just go on in," Floyd said, sticking out his hand for Kermit.

    Kermit smiled and grabbed it, Floyd pulled the frog to his feet. "Thanks, Floyd."

    "Anytime Kermit, anytime. Have fun in there," Floyd said, ankling off to find something to do.

    Kermit shook his head, shrugged once more at Rowlf, and walked into the bathroom.

    Butch sat on the towel hamper in a business suit with glasses on his face and a clipboard in his hands. "Ah, mister the Frog, we’ve been expecting you," Butch said in an official-like voice.

    "Butch... what is all this?" Kermit asked.

    "A relationship counseling program," Butch said. "Please, have a seat." Butch motion for Kermit to sit on the toilet.

    "Where?" Kermit asked.

    "The toilet of course," Butch said.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "Of course," he said, taking a seat on the head.

    "So, what seems to be the problem?" Butch asked, straightening his frame-less eyeglasses.

    "Butch," Kermit said. "Miss Piggy isn’t even here."

    "Oh, I know," Butch said. "She’s next door, with Clyde. This is the first step of our patented relationship counseling program."

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "I’m sure it is," he said. "But do we have to do it in the bathroom?"

    "It’s one of the two places we could get privacy," Butch said.

    "Where’s the other?" Kermit asked.

    "The coat closet."

    "Oh."

    "Anyway," Butch said, flipping through some papers on a clipboard. "What’s going wrong in your relationship with Miss Piggy?"

    "Oh, well that’s easy," Kermit said. "The real, big problem that just stands out to me right now, is that she’s dating someone else, and not me." Kermit smirked.

    "Hmm." Butch stroked his large chin. "I can see how that would be a problem, yes," he said.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "Any advice, doctor?" Kermit asked sarcastically.

    Butch didn’t pick up on the sarcasm."Well, what made her suddenly lose interest in you? Any idea how that could have happened?"

    "You were there when it happened, Butch!" Kermit said.

    "Dr. Butch, if you please," Butch said.

    Kermit groaned. "I don’t even see why I need this relationship counseling. It’s not like there’s anything I can do to change it."

    "Have you tried dating someone else to get back at her?" Butch asked.

    "All of the women in the house are taken. Well, except Gloria Goldfish, but she’s a tad-bit too high maintenance for me. She needs her tank cleaned every three weeks," Kermit said.

    "We can work around that," Butch said, scribbling something on his clipboard.
    Kermit scrunched up his face again. "What? The tank cleaning, or the lack of women?"

    "Whichever you think would be best, sir, we at ‘Healing Hearts of Helpless Hormonal Hands’ are here to please," Butch said.

    Kermit silently cursed the fact that he lacked eyelids. "‘Helpless Hormonal Hands’?" Kermit asked.

    Butch shrugged. "We needed another H word," he said. "It seemed to fit for some reason."

    Kermit shook his head. "You know what," Kermit said. "Surprise me." He got up from his seat on the toilet, ready to leave.

    "Whoa, hold up, Kermit!" Butch said.

    "What is it?" Kermit asked.

    "That’ll be thirty-eight ninety-five," Butch said.

    "But you didn’t even do anything!" Kermit said.

    "Not yet," Butch said. "Catch my drift?"

    "I have a feeling I’m about to," Kermit said. "I’ll have Scooter put the check in the mail tomorrow."

    "Make it out to Quintuple-H Industries," Butch said.

    Kermit scrunched up his face, those muscles were certainly getting a workout this afternoon. "Of course," he said, and walked out of the bathroom.

    "‘Bout time," Rowlf said, standing outside the bathroom. "Sometimes I regret potty-training," he said. He slapped Kermit gently on the back. "How’d it go in there?"

    Kermit shrugged. "Nothing happened, really," he said. "Is Piggy done yet?"

    "Almost," Rowlf said.

    "HI-YA!"

    Clyde came flying out of the coat closet, with the closet door as a new neck fashion piece.

    "Yup, now she’s done," Rowlf said.

    "Looks like her meeting went almost as well as mine," Kermit said.

    "Good thing, or bad thing?" Rowlf asked.

    "Not sure," Kermit said. "But I have a feeling we’ll find out soon enough."
    "We always do," Rowlf said.

    Butch came out of the bathroom, with his clipboard in hand. "Finally," Rowlf mumbled.

    "Just a second," Butch said. "We’re waiting for some guys to come by and measure out space for my desk."

    "Your what?" Kermit asked.

    "My desk!" Butch said. "How can you expect us to run a successful relationship counseling business without desks?"

    "Not in the bathroom!" Kermit shouted.

    "But it’s our main office!" Butch complained.

    "Yeah," Clyde said, hobbling over. "And it’s much nicer than the coat closet."
  10. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <GLOMP!>

    I'll say more tomorrow when I'm not trying to clear my bed off and get to sleep for work in the morning. :p

    MORE PLEASE!
  11. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Tell ya what... 5H Industries will soon be no-H Industries. Funny bit at the end, but honestly guys, the bathroom's off limits and you should know that.

    To echo that half of yours... More please!
  12. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 9

    Scooter came trotting back to Aunt Marge and Robin carrying two oddly colored ice cream cones. "Here you are Aunt Marge, Robin, two dragonfly ripple cones," Scooter said.

    "Good," Aunt Marge snapped, snatching her cone from Scooter’s hand. "Now go get me a coffee."

    Scooter handed Robin his ice cream and ran off. "Yes, Aunt Marge," Scooter said quickly.

    "Low cream!" she shouted after the go-fer.

    "Of course, Aunt Marge!"

    "And no sugar!"

    "Heavens no, Aunt Marge!"

    Robin shook his head. "Why are you so mean to everybody who’s not a frog, Aunt Marge?" Robin asked his great aunt.

    "Heh, a better question would be why aren’t you?" Aunt Marge said.

    Robin looked down at his ice cream cone. "Well, they’re my friends."

    "Robin," Aunt Marge said. "I’ve been around long enough to know that the only things in this world worth spendin’ time with is frogs."

    "But that’s not very much fun," Robin said. "What about pigs, and dogs, and bears, and chickens, and stuff?"

    "Tell me, Robin," Aunt Marge said. "Can a chicken catch a fly with its tongue?"

    "Well, no, I don’t think so- but I don’t think chickens even have tongues, Aunt Marge!" Robin said.

    "Yeah? Well can a pig do that funny thing where they make their chin swell up?" Aunt Marge asked.

    "Um... I heard Uncle Kermit talking about some things Miss Piggy could do with her neck... but I don’t think that was one of them," Robin said.

    Aunt Marge looked awkwardly at the young frog. "Just another reason you should be living with frogs."

    "But Aunt Marge!" Robin whined. "I like all of my friends here."

    "Robin, think about this, honey," Aunt Marge said. "You live with a mentally-unstable Scandinavian chef who tries to cook you on a day-to-day basis, a frog-chopping pig, and a bear with jokes that kill!"

    "Oh, it’s not that bad," Robin said. "The Swedish Chef hasn’t tried to cook me since I taught him how to make trail mix without using an actual dirt trail, and Miss Piggy’s really great, once you get past the... karate chopping, and Fozzie’s just... not very funny is all."

    Aunt Marge shook her head. "Robie-poo-" Robin grimaced at the pet name. "-you don’t even have any friends who are frogs!"

    "No... but my best friend, Sweetums, gets me to school faster than the school bus can," Robin said, licking at his ice cream cone.

    "Does he have seat belts?" Aunt Marge asked.

    "No, but neither does the school bus," Robin said with a smile.

    Scooter came panting back to the park bench that Robin and Aunt Marge were sitting on, carrying Aunt Marge’s coffee. "Here it is, Aunt Marge." Scooter panted. "A coffee with low sugar and no cream."

    "I said no sugar and low cream!" Aunt Marge shouted. "Go get me another!"

    Scooter sighed. "Right away, Aunt Marge," he said, leaving again.

    Robin looked up at Aunt Marge. "I don’t think Uncle Kermit pays Scooter enough to do this job."

    "He shouldn’t pay ‘im at all," Aunt Marge said. "Work builds character, boy like that needs as much character as he can get."

    Robin licked the last bit of his ice cream cone. "Whatever you say, Aunt Marge."

    <~><~><~><~><~>

    Clifford rapped his fingers on Kermit's desk as the cell phone rang. "It'll never work," Rizzo said from beside him.

    "Just you- Hi Paula!" Clifford said into the phone.

    "Here we go." Rizzo scoffed.

    "Watch it, Rat," Clifford scolded Rizzo. "Oh, no, not you Paula."

    "Heh, d'is really will be interesting," Rizzo said leaning against the desk.

    "-Yeah, just so happens I'm free... forever, and I was hopin' that you'd like to go have some fun with a cool cat like me," Clifford said into the cell phone.

    Kermit walked in through the theater's back door. "Hey, what's going on?" Kermit asked.

    "Clifford's tryin' to get wit' Paula Abdul now d'at Skeeter left him for Johnny Fiama," Rizzo said.

    "So help me, I'll give ya to the Swedish Chef if ya don't- No, Paula, baby, not you. We've just got a little pest problem here," Clifford said, glaring at Rizzo through his sunglasses.

    Kermit smirked. "Well, this’ll be interesting," he said.

    "D’at’s what I said," Rizzo replied.

    "Skeeter?" Clifford asked the phone. "Naw, I’m over her. ...What happened? Well, that ain’t important. So when can we- ...you wanna know what happened?"

    "Really interesting," Kermit and Rizzo said together, both anxiously smirking at Clifford.

    "I, uh, well, we just had a mis-communication," Clifford lied. "What sort? Well, uh, I sorta said that she was wrong..." Kermit and Rizzo waited. "...All the time."

    "Go on." Rizzo egged Clifford on.

    "Actually, I said that... well, Gonzo and Floyd were there too, they uh, well, we sorta said that... all women were wrong." Clifford gulped. "All... the time."

    "T’ree, two, one," Rizzo counted off.

    "She hung up," Clifford sighed.

    "What’d ya expect?" Rizzo asked. "So did all d’e ot’er women guest stars from ‘Muppet’s Tonight!’"

    Clifford shoved his cell phone into his pocket. "Ya know who wouldn’t say no?" Clifford asked Rizzo.

    "Your mot’er?" Rizzo laughed.

    "No," Clifford said. "The exterminator!"

    "Uh, I t’ink I hear my tea pot boilin’," Rizzo said, scooting off.

    Kermit shook his head. He straightened up some papers on his desk, then turned to Clifford. "The whole jealousy approach isn’t going well, I see," he said.

    "Heh, you can say that again," Clifford said.

    "I would, but we try not to be too corny with our jokes," Kermit said.

    "Please," Clifford said. "Corny jokes are music to my ears."

    "Like that one?" Kermit smirked.

    "If anyone actually gets that joke, sure," Clifford said.

    Kermit shook his head. "Anyway... I’m sorry that you and Skeeter are having this little spat. Seems all of the couples around here are."

    "Yeah," Clifford said. "How’s it goin’ with you and Piggy?"

    The theater door burst open again, and Miss Piggy entered to a fanfare of unseen trumpets in sunglasses and her "shopping" clothes. "Hello little people," she said sweetly. "Moi, has a arrived."

    She whipped around. "Alright, meat, let’s move it. I’ve got so many things to try on!" She began climbing the stairs to her dressing room.

    Link hobbled in from the door, carrying at least a dozen shopping bags towering over him in his left arm, and holding a trumpet in his right. "Don’t I know it," he grunted.

    Kermit scrunched up his face as he and Clifford watched Link drag himself, and the shopping bags up the stairs. "This would be much easier if she didn’t need a fanfare everywhere she went."

    "C’mon, pork rind! Moi doesn’t have all day, ya know!" Piggy growled.

    "Unh, yes ma’am," Link groaned.

    The door slammed behind the two pigs as they adjourned to Piggy’s dressing room.

    Kermit turned to Clifford, who was chuckling menacingly. "That is how it’s going with me and Piggy."

    "Heh, heh. Do I sense some jealousy?" Clifford asked.

    "I certainly hope so," Kermit said. "But I hope Piggy doesn’t sense it. If she does, she’ll know her stupid plan is working on me." Kermit sighed.

    "Heh, perk up, polliwog," Clifford said.

    Kermit smirked. "I’m about as far away from a polliwog as you can get."

    "How so?" Clifford asked.

    "Well, first of all, these emotions I’m having are way too complicated and mature for a young polliwog," Kermit said with a suave accent. "That, and I have legs."

    "Kermit! Kermit!" Fozzie called, running in from the stage.

    "Yes, Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

    "How are you?" Fozzie asked blankly.

    Kermit tilted his head. "I’m... I’m fine Fozzie..."

    "Aren’t you going to ask how I am?" Fozzie asked.

    Kermit looked to Clifford, Clifford shrugged. "Um, how are you Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

    "I’m fine and dandelion," Fozzie said. "Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"

    "...Fozzie, what does that have to do with anything?" Kermit asked.

    "I figured you needed a laugh," Fozzie said. He looked from side to side. "You see," he said. "I just heard about you and Piggy," he whispered.

    If Kermit could blink, he would have. "You... just now heard about it?" Fozzie nodded. "Fozzie," Kermit said. "It happened almost a week ago."

    Fozzie shrugged. "I don’t watch the news. It’s just not funny enough."

    "It’s not s’pposed to be funny," Clifford said.

    "Oh." Fozzie scratched his head. "Maybe that’s why I don’t watch it."

    Kermit turned to Clifford. "This was on the news?" he asked warily.

    "Ask Gonzo," Clifford said.

    Kermit sighed. "Figures," he said. "Where is he?"

    "Bombs away!" The weirdo fell from the ceiling, landing in between Kermit and Fozzie. "Hi, Kermit!" Gonzo grinned.

    Kermit frowned. "Gonzo, did you tell the news station about me and Piggy?" he asked.

    "Sure did!" Gonzo said. "Did you see it?"

    "Gonzo!" Kermit shouted. "Why?"

    "Because the doctor’s said if I didn’t my nose would grow into my belly button. I thought it would be cool, but Camilla wouldn’t go for it," Gonzo said. Everyone stared at the whatever. "...Wouldn't you go for it?" he asked.

    Kermit groaned loudly. "Why did you put us on the news?" Kermit shouted.

    "You said you wanted publicity!" Gonzo shouted.

    "I also said I wanted The Swedish Chef to cater Aunt Marge’s birthday party this weekend!" Kermit said angrily.

    "You did? Cool!" Gonzo said.

    "Gonzo!" Kermit scolded. "I’m not being serious all the time!"

    "Well, were you being serious when you said you wanted publicity?" Gonzo asked.

    Kermit sighed angrily. "Yes!"

    "Then what’s the problem?"

    "Not that kind of publicity!"

    "Well what kind of publicity do you want?" Gonzo asked. "Because I can get you on radio talk shows."

    "I want publicity for the show! Not me and Piggy!" Kermit shouted.

    "Piggy sure seems to want publicity for her and Link, though," Clifford said.

    "Yeah, there was a picture of them next to the funny pages," Fozzie said.

    "So you read the newspaper, but you don’t watch the news?" Clifford asked.

    "The newspaper has comedy. I mean, the news could," Fozzie said. "Maybe that Larry King fella could try a clown nose and a rubber chicken."

    "Don’t say chicken!" Gonzo shouted. "It reminds me of Camilla..."

    "Gonzo?" Kermit asked, finally calming down some.

    "Yes?" Gonzo asked cheerfully.

    "No more publicity, okay?" Kermit asked. "That goes for all of you," Kermit said.

    "What about your spot on ‘Max’ next week?" Fozzie asked.

    Kermit peered at his calendar. "I’ll be there." Kermit smiled.

    "Great!" Fozzie said. "I’ll start writing you a script!"

    Kermit nodded reluctantly. "Alright," Kermit said. "But Fozzie?"

    "Yes, Kermit?" Fozzie asked innocently.

    "No pig jokes."
  13. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    NO PIG JOKES! Prawnie you went and got me all melty inside! And I TOTALLY get the corny jokes joke, and OY so much AWESOMENESS I COULD BURST! And DANDELIONS and FOZZIE NEWS and WHEEEEE! And the FANFARE and OY! Jealosy! Paula Abdul! WHAZAVABIZABAVIJA! EEEEEEEEE! And and and SWEETUMS! SWEEEEEEEEEEEETUMS! TO SCHOOL! WHEEEEEE! And Robin and Scooter and CHEF TRAIL MIX and OYYYYY everything! Oh, and the POLLYWOG THING! LEGS! And and and and and ROBBIE-POO! OY! And the WHOLE frog thing with the chicken catch fly and tongue and THE SWELLY NECK THING! But Aunt Marge it's a MYTH, a MYTH I tell you! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PRAWNIE I LOVE YOU! I GLOMP YOU! I GLOMP ALL THE WAY TO NEXT TOMORROW! I don't even have to put socks ON in the morning for this story to ROCK MY FREAKING EXPLODING SOCKS OFF! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH FLY-SHOE PIE ON TOP!
  14. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yeah... What she said. More please.
  15. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 10

    The drums rolled and the trumpets blared as Kermit stepped through the gigantic "O." The spotlight clicked on and Kermit took in a whiff of enthusiasm. "It’s ‘The Muppet Show!’" he shouted. "C’mon, let’s have a good time!"

    Kermit pulled back out of the "O" and trotted backstage as the theme song played. "Ready, boss?" Scooter asked.

    "I sure hope so," Kermit said.

    "Kermit! Kermit!" Gonzo shouted, running up to the frog.

    "Gonzo? What are you doing? Where’s your trumpet?" Kermit asked.

    "On stage," Gonzo said. "But that’s not the problem right now!"

    "Yes it is!" Kermit shouted. "You have to blow it in-"

    "Now!" Scooter shouted.

    "I know, I know, but Kermit I really need to talk to you!" Gonzo begged.

    "After you blow the trumpet!" Kermit shouted. "Now go!" He pushed Gonzo out on stage.

    "Boss?" Scooter asked.

    "Yes?"

    "You’ve got to get out there and finish the theme song!" Scooter said.

    "Oh! Good grief!" Kermit shouted, running back on stage and sitting under one of the arches with Miss Piggy and Fozzie on each side. He looked at Piggy, who snubbed him off. He sighed, and forced himself to sing as the curtains drew back open. "It’s the most sensational
    Inspirational
    Celebrational
    Muppetational-
    This is what we call
    The Muppet Show!
    " Kermit and the rest of the cast under the arches sang.

    The audience applauded wildly, all except for a wrinkled puce-colored frog in the front row with a small dark green frog, practically up on his seat in excitement. "It’s gonna be a long night," she muttered.

    Kermit took center stage in front of the big red curtains. "Hello! Hello! Welcome again to ‘The Muppet Show!’" Kermit addressed the audience. "We’ve got a fantastic show for you tonight, with a couple of acts that will-"

    "A couple?" a crotchety old voice called down.

    "Yeah, I thought all of the couples on this show were split!" another replied.

    Both Statler and Waldorf partook in a hearty belly laugh at the frog’s expense. Kermit scrunched up his face. "Do you mind? I’m trying to put on a show here."

    "Yeah?" Statler asked. "Well you’d better keep trying!"

    They both laughed again. Kermit grunted. "Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!" Kermit said, following the curtains as they opened, almost knocking into Beauregard, who was mopping up backstage (like always).

    As soon as Kermit got to his desk he was froggy-face-to-nose with Gonzo. The frog frowned. "You wanted to talk to me about something, Gonzo?"

    "Yes!" Gonzo shouted. "Kermit, I need to do a song on the show tonight!"

    Kermit did a double-take. "Hubba hubba wha’?"

    Gonzo nodded. "That’s what I hope to make her say, yes!"

    Kermit looked Gonzo in the eyes. "Can you blink?"

    "Sort of, why?" Gonzo asked.

    "Because I’d like to," Kermit said. "Anyway, why on Earth would you need to do a song tonight?"

    "To win back Camilla through limericks, of course!" Gonzo said.

    Kermit shook his head. "Of course, what was I thinking?"

    "Never ask yourself that question," Gonzo said. "That’s what I do, and look at how I turned out!"

    Kermit looked down at his desk. "Scooter?"

    Scooter popped up out of nowhere. "Yes, boss?"

    "It’s probably not normal that I’m not frightened when you do that, is it?" Kermit asked.

    Scooter shrugged. "Don’t ask me, I just go-fer coffee and go-fer sandwiches."

    "And that’s what we let your uncle think we pay you for," Kermit said, putting his arm on Scooter’s shoulder. "Anyway, do we have any acts that could be replaced by Gonzo?"

    "Well, there’s always Beauregard’s harmonica solo," Scooter said.

    Beauregard stopped his continuous mopping. "Oh." He sighed. "I suppose there is always next week for me to do my act."

    Kermit turned to the janitor. "Tell ya what, Beau, I’ll let you escort my dear Aunt Marge to her surprise birthday party on Saturday night."

    "Really?" Beauregard said with wide eyes. "Oh, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?" he asked.

    "Of course!" Kermit, Gonzo, and Scooter said in unison.

    Beauregard nodded. "Alrighty then, I’ll do it!"

    "Great," Kermit said. "Alright Scooter, Beau’s out, Gonzo’s in."

    "You mean it, Kermit?" Gonzo asked.

    "Of course I do, Gonzo." Kermit smiled. "Someone around here should have a good relationship."

    "Great!" Gonzo shouted. "Rizzo!"

    Rizzo came running up to Gonzo. "Yeah, what?"

    "Give ‘em the bird!" Gonzo told him.

    "Finally!" Rizzo said.

    "Beg pardon?" Kermit asked.

    "Don’t worry, Kermit, we’ll make sure your fingers are clean in this," Gonzo reassured the frog.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "Fozzie?" Kermit said to the bear, who was standing up on the balcony backstage fiddling with a rubber chicken.

    "Yeah?"

    "How many times do I have to ask you to stop writing your jokes on the bathroom walls?"

    "But Kermit, I haven’t done that in ages," Fozzie said.

    "Well then where are they getting all this toilet humor?" Kermit asked.

    "Now where’s the rim shot?" Rizzo asked.

    Suddenly, a large drum with a toothy mouth bounced backstage. "How did you do that?" Gonzo asked.

    Rizzo shrugged. "I don’t question the weat’er, neit’er should you."

    Gonzo nodded. "Alright, c’mon then!" Gonzo said as he and Rizzo ran off.

    Kermit shook his head. "Looks like Animal got fed up with the number they were doing."

    Scooter peered on stage. "Not exactly," he said.

    "Huh?" Kermit asked.

    Floyd came stomping backstage. "Man, I can’t take it no more!" he declared.

    Kermit turned swiftly to Scooter, then back to Floyd. "Floyd, did you hurl that drum?"

    "Someone had to, man!" Floyd said. "Zoot and Janice just sang harmony!"

    Kermit’s face softened. "Would it be un-cool to hug you?" he asked.

    "Distinctly," Floyd said.

    "Then what do you propose I can do for you?" Kermit asked.

    "That’s easy," Floyd said. "No more songs till this thing’s blown over!"

    "Anyway I can add a gust to the force blowing it over?" Kermit asked. "Because aside from you guys, all we have is Gonzo."

    Floyd sighed and started to walk away. "Just get the pig back, man," Floyd said softly.

    Kermit watched Floyd walk away. "Scooter..." Kermit said softly.

    "Yeah, boss?" Scooter said.

    "Please go introduce the next act."

    Scooter nodded. "Right away, boss."

    "Fozzie?" Kermit said to his best friend. "Can we talk?"

    Fozzie nodded. "Okay..." Fozzie said. "But tomorrow’s Friday, you know."

    Kermit smiled. "I know, I know." Kermit scribbled something on a notepad on his desk, and he and Fozzie left the theater.

    Scooter came back from introducing the act, and noticed the lack of Kermit. He looked down at the desk and read. "Scooter - Let Clifford introduce the rest of the acts and close the show. Fozzie and I will see you at home. Signed, K.T.F."

    <~><~><~><~><~>

    "Sam! Sam! Sam!" Rizzo shouted, running up to the eagle, who was being ordered around by Camilla.

    Sam glared down at the rat. "Can I help you?"

    Rizzo rolled his eyes. "No, I just love runnin’ around shoutin’ out your name!"
    "Bragawk bawk!" Camilla clucked at him.

    Rizzo ignored Camilla’s threats. "Listen, Sam, Kermit said he wanted you to observe t’is week’s show from da front row of da audience, and he said you could take detailed notes on morals and family values."

    Sam gasped. "Oh, I would be honored," he said. "Come along, Camilla, we have had our call of duty!"

    "Bawk! Byuck bawk!" Camilla argued.

    "But, Camilla," Sam said sternly. "It is the American way!"

    Rizzo chuckled to himself as Sam and Camilla walked away. Pepe came walking over to the rat. "Ritzo... what are jou doing?"

    Rizzo grinned. "Great! We need anot’er back-up singer!"

    "I’m sorry... what?" Pepe asked.

    "Just c’mon, four arms," Rizzo said.

    "No way, hokay? Not t’is time, Ritzo," Pepe said. "I want to know exactly what I am getting myself into, hokay?"

    Rizzo moaned. "You’re comin’ wit’ me to sing back-up for Gonzo while he tries to win Camilla back!" Rizzo shouted.

    "Well why didn’t jou just say so?" Pepe asked. "T’ere is no need to shout about it, hokay?"

    "Will you just c’mon?" Rizzo said, dragging Pepe behind him.

    <~><~><~><~><~>

    Clifford walked out on stage, chuckling as the audience applauded. "Alright, ya’ll, now we’ve got a real special treat for ya! Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!"

    The audience started clapping again as the curtains opened, revealing Gonzo. The weirdo ran up to the front of the stage and peered down into the front row. "Good, not there yet," Gonzo whispered. "Um, hey! You there!" He pointed down into the front row. "The couple next to the ancient frog lady!"

    The man of the couple looked around. "Me?"

    "Of course you, ya twit!" Aunt Marge shouted.

    "Yeah, you!" Gonzo said. "I just wanted to tell you and your lovely female companion that those are the two seats where I grow my mold collection. I just wanted to thank you for accepting them as part of your wardrobe."

    The couple exchanged glances, and quickly vacated the theater. Just in time for Camilla and Sam to take their seats, with Sam next to Aunt Marge.

    "Tell me, miss," Sam whispered to her. "Has the show withheld any morals so far?"

    "With all these weirdos?" Aunt Marge asked. "Not a lick!"

    "Finally!" Sam said. "Someone who has a taste in culture!"

    "Brawk!" Camilla clucked, silencing the two.

    "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I, the Great Gonzo will not be performing a feat of lunatic daring and fantastic danger!" Gonzo said. Certain members of the audience applauded. "Instead, I’ll be singing a song!" This time everyone in the audience groaned. "Yes! A love ballad, to my dear sweet, chicky, Camilla!" Camilla shrunk down into her seat.

    "Alright guys, c’mon out!" Gonzo shouted off stage. Pepe, Rizzo, and Animal came on stage wearing matching red suits. "Hit it, Rowlf!"

    Rowlf played the first chords on his piano in the band pit, and Gonzo began to dance, sliding across the stage.

    "You just don’t know what it’s like
    When the bottom drops out of your life
    When your reason to be
    Disappears suddenly
    And your melody loses its song," Gonzo sang slowly.

    The music picked up tempo, and the back-up singers began going "Babidi, babidi, babidi," with the music.

    "Camilla, Camilla
    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
    Camilla," Gonzo sang.

    "Babidi, babidi, babidi, babidi!" Animal chanted.

    "Our walks in the park
    Our talks in the dark
    Aren’t just faded memories
    Our time all alone
    Are the best I’ve ever known.

    "Now they’re gone
    Now they’re gone
    Whoa, whoa!" Gonzo sang.

    "Camilla, Camilla," Gonzo and the back-up singers sang.

    "Camilla, he needs ya!" Rizzo said. "Each day and night, to make things go right, and if you don’t come back to him, it’ll never be da same!"

    "Ahhhh!" Gonzo screamed.
    "And now what am I s’pposed to do?
    Will I ever regret what’s for you?
    When each day was a song
    With you singing along-"

    "Camilla," Gonzo said. "Camilla! Camiiiiiilla!" Gonzo held her name. "Talk to me with your guitar, Floyd!"

    Floyd came out on stage for his guitar solo, as Gonzo and the back-up singers/dancers danced around the stage. Gonzo returned to the center, and Floyd with him, and continued singing.

    "You just don’t know what it’s like
    When the bottom drops out of your life
    When your reason to be
    Disappears suddenly
    Camilla, Camilla
    Ahhhhh!
    " Gonzo screamed.

    "And now what am I s’pposed to do?
    Will I ever regret what’s for you?
    When each day was a song
    With you singing along
    Camilla! Camiiiilla!
    "

    The audience roared with applause, even Sam stood up and cheered. "Oh! Yes! Hear, hear! Decent, family entertainment!"

    However, even after the weirdo poured his heart into a song, and much to Gonzo’s dismay (but Sam’s happiness) Camilla had left the theater.
  16. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    ...She... left?...

    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, okay, so, I am ...SEVERLY wounded by this chapter, and... and the PAIN, and... and... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

    <TOTAL GLOMP> <And total snuggle> <hugs ushy gushy pillow> <whimper>

    MORE PLEASE!
  17. Leyla

    Leyla Member

    Awww... Camilla left! Well, he'll get her yet. That was a very good effort. Actually, I have no idea what your plans are Prawnie, but I think Gonzo will get his chickie baby back first... since he so obviously wants her back... which is all the girls really want from their menfolk anyway, to be wanted. Well, that, and a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

    And Kermit's sympathy was very subtly presented, and very sweet and touching. He's still probably gonna be the last one to get his girl back though, what with him not wanting her to know that he wants her back. I know logic is no muppet strength but still...

    <sigh> He's cute. He's a cute frog.

    Go Gonzo! You'll win her over yet!
  18. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yeah man... Maybe this'll serve as a bit of added inspiration for whenever Ru comes back and keeps going with KG, Gonzo's lost his chick in that one too. Not to mention she's quite cross with the weirdo in Melissa's The Great Desire which has yet to be updated...

    Heh, just keep postin'.
  19. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 11

    Fozzie came walking back to the table carrying two cups of coffee. He handed one to Kermit and sat down across from him.

    "But Fozzie, you don’t even like coffee," Kermit said.

    Fozzie looked down at his drink. "Oh yeah."

    Kermit stirred the coffee around with his finger and sighed. "I just don’t know what to think anymore, Fozzie," he said. "I mean, even Floyd wants me and Piggy to get back together."

    "Yeah," Fozzie said, scooping several spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee. "And I get the feeling that he doesn’t really like Piggy that much."

    Kermit took a sip of the coffee. "Ya know, Fozzie, you just might be right."

    "You really think so?" Fozzie asked.

    Kermit smirked. "Anyway, I’m just not sure how I can get Miss Piggy back."

    "Have you tried Bunsen’s new P-Harmony machine?" Fozzie asked.

    "I completely forgot about that," Kermit said. "Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt..."

    "Unless you’re asking Beaker." Fozzie switched from sugar to creamer.

    "That’s true," Kermit said.

    "But seriously, Kermit, I think that all you have to do is tell Miss Piggy you’re sorry, and she’ll take you back," Fozzie said.

    "I wish it were that easy, Fozzie," Kermit said.

    "Why isn’t it?" Fozzie asked.

    "Because if I do that, Miss Piggy will realize that she’s gotten to me," Kermit said.

    Fozzie started stirring his no-longer coffee colored coffee. "But... she has gotten to you, hasn’t she?"

    "Of course she has," Kermit said.

    "Then why can’t she realize that?" Fozzie asked.

    "Because that would mean she realized she won," Kermit said.

    Fozzie stared at Kermit. "And that would be... bad?"

    "Of course it would," Kermit said. "She’d hold it over my head for the rest of our lives!"

    "Oh," Fozzie said.

    "So you see why I can’t give in?" Kermit asked.

    "Not really, no," Fozzie said.

    "You’ve never been in a relationship, have you?" Kermit asked.

    "Nope," Fozzie said with a smile.

    Kermit smiled back. "And that’s why we love ya, Foz," Kermit said. "Why I come to you for relationship advice, I’ll never know."

    "You’ve gotta admit, though, Kermit," Fozzie said. "It does make a good conversation topic."

    Kermit smirked. "So do you have any ideas on how I can win back Piggy without letting her know she caught me off my rocker?"

    "Which rocker were you on, Kermit?" Fozzie asked, shocked. "Is that why Floyd and Janice are broken up?"

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "Fozzie, that’s terrible!" Kermit said.

    "I know, I know," Fozzie said. "Everyone says that, every time."

    Kermit shook his head. "Why do I put myself through this?"

    "I thought Piggy was putting you through this," Fozzie said.

    "Right now you’re putting me through this," Kermit said.

    "Oh, sorry," Fozzie said.

    Kermit sighed. "It’s okay, Fozzie," he said. "I just hope I feel up to doing that talk show next weekend."

    Fozzie nodded. He began to stir around his coffee. "...That’s it!" he shouted, spilling his coffee everywhere.

    Kermit jumped up from his seat to grab napkins. "What? What’s it, Fozzie?"

    Fozzie looked right at Kermit. "Oh. Uh, nothing, really."

    Kermit tilted his head at Fozzie. "But... you just spilled your coffee everywhere."

    "Oh, um..." Fozzie bit his fingers. "You’ll find out next week!"

    Kermit wiped up the coffee on the table. "...Okay..." Kermit said.

    "Yup," Fozzie said, helping Kermit wipe up.

    Kermit smirked. "Fozzie," Kermit said, sitting back down. "What are you up to?"

    Fozzie sat down as well. "About seventy or eighty jokes today, why?"

    Kermit folded his arms and smirked. "This better be a good surprise."

    "Oh, oh, it will be!" Fozzie said.

    Kermit smiled. "I don’t doubt it."

    "Well now what?" Fozzie asked.

    "Small talk," Kermit said.

    "Like... honeycomb, and spider webs, and starfish in the sea?" Fozzie asked.

    "Not literal small talk, Fozzie," Kermit said.

    "Oh, you should’ve specified."

    <~><~><~><~><~>

    Camilla came bursting through the door of the Muppet Boarding House. "Brawk bawk byuck bawk bragawk buck bawk!" she clucked frantically.

    Skeeter nearly fell off the couch in her pajamas while holding a quart of ice cream. "You know I can't understand you if you cluck that fast! Slow down!" she shouted from the floor.

    "Brawk bawk!" Camilla clucked. "Bragawk byuck bawk, Gonzo!" she moaned. "Buck bawk bragawk!"

    "Oh no..." Skeeter said. "I leave you alone for one show to take my night off, and it all goes up in smoke!"

    "Bawk, bawk!" Camilla wailed. "Bragawk!"

    "You can’t!" Skeeter shouted.

    "Brawk!"

    "But- but our plan!" Skeeter said, climbing up off the floor back onto the couch. "If you- no pun intended- chicken out, it all falls through!"

    Camilla groaned and sat next to Skeeter on the couch. "Brawk, byuck bawk buck," Camilla clucked meekly.

    "Just sit tight," Skeeter said. "I’ll go get you a spoon."

    Skeeter went into the kitchen, and returned swiftly, as if afraid Camilla may flee. She placed the spoon into Camilla’s beak. "Brawk," Camilla mumbled, scooping some of the ice cream. She eyed the spoon, trying to figure out how to eat the ice cream.

    "Here," Skeeter said. "Let me help," she said. She grabbed the spoon and fed it to Camilla. "Now! Let’s look at the positives of this."

    "Brawk bawk?"

    "On the bright side, obviously no matter what you do, he’ll still love you," Skeeter said.

    Camilla shrugged, and started pecking wildly at the ice cream. Skeeter smirked, and tossed the spoon behind her. "So, there’s really no harm in waiting just the teeniest bit longer, that way Janice and I can still get our sweet revenge."

    "Brawk? Byuck buck bawk bragawk," Camilla clucked.

    Skeeter rolled her eyes. "Of course Janice has a grudge against Floyd! Why else would she have broken up with him?"

    "Brawk bawk!"

    "What do you mean I forced her to?"

    "Byuck buck bawk!"

    "I am not a crazed puppet-master!"

    Camilla shrugged. "Bawk, brawk buck."

    "That’s right," Skeeter said. "I’m about as far from it as can be."

    Camilla continued devouring the ice cream. "So," Skeeter said. "You’ll wait? Just a bit longer?"

    Camilla sighed. "Brawk bawk."

    "Great!" Skeeter shouted, hugging Camilla.

    "Bawk!" Camilla shouted. "Bagawk brawk byuck bawk!"

    "Does it have to be fifteen feet? That’s a little far for a couple to be apart..." Skeeter said.

    "Brawk," Camilla groaned. "Bawk. Byuck bawk."

    "Yeah, two’s good," Skeeter said.

    "Brawk," Camilla clucked.

    "Yeah, and that’s probably as close as Sam will ever get to a woman," Skeeter said.

    Both girls giggled, and finished off the quart of ice cream.
  20. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    HONEYCOMB AND SPIDERWEBS AND STARFISH IN THE SEA! COFFEE! RELATIONSHIP ADVICE! ROCKER! DID I GLOMP YOU YET? WHEEEEEEEEEE!

    I should probably NOT use all caps, huh? ...Oh well.

    FOZZIE'S IDEA! FOZZIE HAS AN IDEA AND I WANNA SEE IT AND WHEEEEEE! PUTTING KERMIT THROUGH THIS, and... and...

    ICE CREEEEEEEEAM! SPOON! POSITIVES! CRAAAAAAAZED PUPPET MASTER! PUPPET! MASTER! AS FAR FROM IT AS CAN BE! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

    Fifteen feet! Two feet! CLOSE AS SAM WILL EVER GET! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    <GLOMP!> <GLOMP!> <GLOMP!> <<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>> <Snuggle>

    MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!


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