Chapter eleven
“Zut zu-bop zeeee dom. Zu-dut zut zut zu- Another Beauuutiful day in the swamp!
Zeet za-bop dee... ay...” The fly laughed as he circled a sleeping frog’s head. “And look who’s still dozin’. Come on, sleepy, rise and shine! Time to wake up and smell the quagmire.” He circled closer. “Don’t make me step on you, frog! I’ll tickle your collar, how ‘bout that? Kutchey-kutchey-koo!” He danced around on the frog’s collar, with no result. So he flew back up by the frog’s head. “Lazybones! You keep on talkin’ how
fast paced life is outside the swamp, you go on implyin’ how efficient it’s made you, but I
know you never slept this late before you moved. This is three days in a row now I’m up before you, and you
know there’s something wrong with that, now wake up!” The fly hesitated. “Or don’t. Fine. I’ll just sit right here and wait for you while you sleep. Lazybones!” He hovered in mid-air and turned his back to the frog.
That was his mistake.
A slim pink tongue flicked out, snatched the fly, and lashed it into the frog’s mouth.
Kermit sat up and spat the fly out. “Good morning, Horace,” he said.
Horace the Horsefly wiped his legs off. “Very funny, Kermit,” he said. “You been plannin’ that since before you even got here, haven’t ya?”
Kermit shook his head. “The first day I actually slept in. Yesterday I was faking.”
“Alright, alright, you win,” Horace said. “But remember your mom’s got a doctor’s appointment today.”
“I know,” Kermit said.
“And you know that means half the swamp is goin’ into town,” Horace went on. “And you know they still think you’re their personal tour guide for anything past the dirt road.”
“Horace?” Kermit said. “I know. Mom has a check-up, and the whole family- minus Leslie and Bob- is going to the hospital with her. I know.”
“Alright, I’m just reminding ya...” Horace said. “I’ll get outta the way so you can eat. See ya, Kermit.” He flew off.
“Later Horace,” Kermit said. He leaned back against a log and sighed, wondering if he would get a chance to call the theater.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Fozzie looked over his papers as he stood near Kermit’s desk backstage. “So a frog walks into a bank... a FROG walks into a BANK... A frog WALKS into a bank... A frog walks INTO a bank... a frog WALKS into a BANK...” He crumpled up the papers and dropped them on the floor. “Oh, I’ll
never get it!” he said as he sat down in Kermit’s chair. “If only Kermit was here. At least he’d tell me if I’m funny.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Do y’think Mom’ll be alright by herself, Mit?” Maggie asked as they led over a hundred frogs down a sidewalk in Leland.
“Oh sure. Dad’s still with her,” Kermit said. “And besides, she told us to take everyone to lunch.” He pushed a door open, knowing without looking at the sign that he was entering his family’s favorite restaurant- Juhl’s Pizza Place. “Hi Jerry!” He called out.
A cheerful old man wearing an apron that said “Kiss the Cook” poked his head out of the kitchen. He saw the long line of frogs coming in and grinned. “I’ll take it you’ll want the usual?” he said.
“Probably,” Kermit said.
Jerry nodded. “Well, I’ll get it started then!” he said, and he disappeared back into the kitchen.
As the counter, tables, and booths filled with frogs, Kermit’s attention turned to an average-sized television mounted on the wall. It was showing a somewhat unique talk show. The title was familiar to Kermit, but he wasn’t quite sure why at first.
“
Alright, we’re gonna take a little break,” the woman hosting the show was saying. “
But stay tuned, we’ll be right back with the one and only Miss Piggy!”
Kermit smiled and reached to turn up the volume.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Miss Piggy sat in the comfortable chair opposite the woman hosting. A white telephone was on a small round table between them. Miss Piggy glanced at the phone and went back to waving to the ever-adoring audience.
“And five, four, three, two- you’re on,” someone said.
“Hello and welcome back to
Ask Yourself, the only talk show where YOU get to interview the guests!” the hostess said. “That’s right, just call the number on your screen, and
you can have the opportunity to ask the questions! I’m Nancy Andrews, and today we’re here with the one, the only, MISS PIGGY!”
Miss Piggy waved again. “Kissy kissy, everybody!”
“Now Miss Piggy,” Nancy said, “I have no doubt at all that in a few seconds our phones will be ringing off the hook with people who want to talk to you.”
“Well, of course they will!” Miss Piggy said.
“Naturally!” Nancy said. “But while we give folks at home a chance to dial, I’ve got a few questions of my own for you, if you don’t mind?”
“Oh certainly!” Miss Piggy said. “Ask away!”
“Thank you. First of all, you’ve been with the Muppets for a long time- how many years now?”
Miss Piggy laughed. “Moi am very careful
not to keep track of years. It will do nothing but
age vous, dearie.”
“Really?” Nancy said. “I should remember that. Anyway, my point is that you’ve been with them awhile, and naturally I assume you’re all very close.”
“Yes, very close,” Miss Piggy said.
“Especially with Kermit, I know,” Nancy went on.
Miss Piggy smiled. “Yes, Kermie and moi are
very close.”
“You know it must be rough, maintaining a good relationship with someone as dedicated to his work as Kermit seems to be,” Nancy said. “I mean, he puts a lot of hours in at the theater, doesn’t he?”
Miss Piggy clenched her teeth for a moment, sensing the trap, but not knowing where it was going. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, Kermie spends a lot of time at the theater.”
“In fact, he’s earned something of a reputation for it,” Nancy said. “It’s common knowledge among reporters that if you call the Muppet Theater, chances are that not only will Kermit be there, but he’ll probably be the one who answers the phone.”
Miss Piggy tried not to cringe. “What are you getting at?” she asked angrily, already knowing the answer.
“Well,” Nancy said triumphantly, “In the past few days, I’ve been hearing rumors that no one’s been able to get a hold of him. And sure enough, when I called the Muppet Theater this morning, I was told not only that Kermit wasn’t there, but that he
won’t be there at all today!” She shifted her weight in her chair. “Pretty unusual for such a dedicated frog, isn’t it?” she said accusingly.
Miss Piggy glared at her. “Yes.”
“So what happened?” Nancy said. “You seem pretty upset about this. Was there an argument, a fight of some kind? Some sort of split? Do you know where he is? Is he coming back?”
Miss Piggy dug her fingers into the armrests of her chair. “He has a
family emergency to
attend to.”
“Oh, a family emergency, is it? What sort of emergency?” Nancy said.
“A
family emergency,” Miss Piggy nearly growled.
Nancy rolled her eyes. “So he’s back at the swamp, then?”
“Yes,” Miss Piggy snarled. “He’s at the swamp.”
“I see,” Nancy said. “Not a lot of phones in the swamp, are there?”
“No.”
“I see. So how are you keeping in touch with him?”
Miss Piggy hesitated. “Kermie, is going to call us, when he can,” she forced herself to say.
“Alright,” Nancy said. “And how often is that?”
Miss Piggy glared at the woman in a furious silence.
Nancy smiled. “Let me rephrase that,” she said. “Miss Piggy. When was the last time you talked to Kermit?”
Miss Piggy glared at her. “Saturday morning,” she whispered. “When he left for the swamp.”
“And you haven’t heard from him since then?” Nancy said. “So for all
you know, he might not even be at the swamp! There might not be any
family emergency at all! He might have just gotten fed up and run off with some other girl, right under your nose!”
Miss Piggy stood up. “NO ONE TALKS THAT WAY ABOUT MY FROG!
HIII-“
“But enough about that!” Nancy shouted as she flung herself as far from the pig as she could without leaving her chair, keeping her wide petrified eyes on her guest. “We have, uh, calls to take! Yes! Calls! Let’s take caller, um, eighteen!” Miss Piggy forced herself to sit down as Nancy slapped a button on the phone. “Hello, caller eighteen!”
“
Well hi ho there,” came the calm response.
Miss Piggy was instantly at the edge of her seat. “KERMIE!”
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