Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 2
LEWIS: Welcome back sports fans to Day 2 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger and this here is my co-caster Newsman. Uh, Newsie?
(Lewis looks and finds Newsman’s seat empty. Then he sees Newsman trying to push a crumpled dollar bill into a Vendaface machine.)
NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! Stuck up vending machine refuses to take an important newsman’s dollar so he can get some fruit punch!
VENDAFACE: Sorry, your bill is too wrinkled for me to accept. Come back with a smoother and maybe a much bigger bill.
(Newsman starts to bang on the machine in anger.)
LEWIS: Please, Newsie. We’re on the air!
NEWSMAN: I don’t do go on the air until I’ve had my fruit punch. I want my punch you stupid machine!
VENDAFACE: Your rude wish is my command.
(A hatch opens in the machine and a boxing glove punches Newsman back to his seat.)
LEWIS: You got your punch, happy now?
A DAZED NEWSMAN: Yes, that punch had lots of Vitamin C. It lets me SEE stars and little birdies.
LEWIS: Anyway, if you all tuned in yesterday, the start of the cross country bicycle race had happened. Right now, the four cyclists are riding through the big city known as New York. Reporting live from a helicopter is our Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster.
* * * * * *
(We see a helicopter hovering over the city with Telly peeking out the window.)
TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest update on the bicycle race. So far, we see the cyclists riding down the street with Doc Hog leading, Traveling Matt, riding in second, Beaker in third, and The Count bringing up the rear. And uh, oh! It looks like our cyclists have stopped, for rush hour traffic has started. And if you’re a citizen of New York, you know how major rush hour traffic can be. It looks like our athletes might have to wait a long, LONG, while.
(We see the four Muppets on their bikes on the sidewalk waiting for the traffic to cease.)
AN IMPATIENT BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep!
COUNT: 12 cars, 14 trucks, 4 taxi cabs, and 1 cab driver that actually looks American! I love counting things in rush hour traffic!
MATT: What is this mysterious power that traffic light creature has over us? It seems like its evil red eye hypnotizes us into not moving. If only it would turn good and open its kind jolly green eye.
DOC HOG: Sorry fellas. I can’t wait here any longer. That butcher shop across the street is giving me the willies! I’m gonna try and find a short cut somewhere in this city. See you all at the finish line. (Doc Hog pedals off.)
MATT: I believe I will do the same thing. Come my faithful two-wheeled creature. Maybe we can find an underground cave that will lead us back on the trail. There’s one right now! (Matt pedals over to a subway and goes down it.)
(Beaker sighs as he waits for the traffic to clear. Then his cell phone rings and he answers it.)
BUNSEN’S VOICE: Listen, Beaky. You don’t have to wait for all that heavy traffic to clear. I know a short cut. Just follow my directions and you’ll be in the lead. Trust me!
BEAKER(In a worried voice): Mee, Meep!
BUNSEN: Why do you always make that worried meep whenever I say, trust me?
(Beaker pedals off leaving only The Count left.)
COUNT: 19 cars, 24 trucks, 5 motorcycles, 2 ambulances, and 2 lawyers chasing after those ambulances! HA HA HA HA! Oh, that was fun. But I guess I’d better get back to the race. And I’ll need good old fashioned bat power to do it.
(Count pushes a button on his handlebars and metal bat wings pop out of the sides and he flies over the traffic. A little boy looks out a car window and speaks to his father.)
BOY: Look Daddy. The Bat Plane! They’re shooting another Batman movie!
FATHER: Just as long as they shoot it far away from our home. That’s fine with me.
(Count lands on the other side of the street, closes the wings on his bike, and pedals off.)
* * * * * *
(Back up in the helicopter with Telly)
TELLY: Well, it looks like The Count somehow managed to overcome the heavy traffic and has moved up to first place. But the other three cyclists are now off the trail and are scattering in all sorts of directions. Just what will be the results of this bicycle-thon full of surprises? We’ll find out when we bring you more updates. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. Well sports fans, it looks like this race will last quite a few days with the strategies these bikers are pulling. But right now, we’ll be bringing you one of the events taking place here in the stadium. Reporting live at the scene is retired game show host, Guy Smiley.
NEWSMAN: Guy Smiley? I thought he disappeared from existence.
LEWIS: What do you mean?
NEWSMAN: You know, because of that scandal about him and those Miss. Universe ladies all those years ago?
LEWIS: Those could’ve been rumors. Give the guy a break! And speaking of guy, here he is reporting.
* * * * * *
400 METER RUN
* * * * * *
GUY: Thank you, Lewis. And for information, Mr. Nosey Newsman, those stories about those girls are not true! The only love in my life is my mirror! Anyway, this is Guy Smiley, America’s favorite retired game show host, reporting live at this track where the 400 meter run is about to begin. The first runner to complete 4 full laps will win. And I see that our runners are at the starting line right now. Let’s see who’ll be competing.
(Guy walks over to the four runners.)
GUY: Competing for the Big Blue House team is team captain Bear, Mokey for the Fraggle team, Grover for the Sesame team, and Animal for The Muppet Show team.
(Animal is running his legs off in place with a collar and chain around his neck and Floyd behind him holding him back.)
ANIMAL: WANNA RUN! WANNA RUN!
FLOYD: Not now, Animal. Wait for the gun to fire!
GUY: I see that someone is eager to win this run. Care to share your thoughts, Animal?
ANIMAL: RAAARRRGGGGH!
GUY(Backs away in fear): Uh, I see that you had a lot on your mind and you wanted to get it all out of your system.
(Blue referee guy comes in with his gun.)
REFEREE: Runners, get ready, get set, BANG!
(All the runners run off and Animal’s chain slides through Floyd’s fingers.)
FLOYD: YEOW!(And starts blowing on his chain burned hands.)
FLOYD: This is one of the reasons why I prefer to play bass!
GUY: And look at them go! So far, all 4 runners are about even and are running up a storm. But wait! Mokey has seemed to stop running and is looking down on the ground. What’s wrong with her?
(Mokey bends down and picks something up.)
MOKEY: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you are. You shouldn’t be out on this huge track. You could get trampled on by runners. Oh, you’re so adorable. Tickle, tickle, tickle!
* * * * * *
(In the Fraggle’s dugout.)
RED: Mokey, what are you doing?! RUN!
GOBO: Red, I thought you said you coached Mokey to be a running machine!
RED: Well, I… I….
BOOBER: Is this one of the methods of your coaching?
RED(Looks at Boober): GRRRRRR!
* * * * * *
GUY: So far, three of our runners have completed their first lap and they’re starting their second, except for Mokey who is still on the same spot she stopped on. Just what is her strategy for all this? Now, wait a minute! It looks like Grover’s now stopped running and has joined Mokey.
GROVER: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you have found. It is almost as adorable as me!
MOKEY: I found it crawling on the track. It’s a good thing I stopped otherwise I might’ve stepped on it.
GROVER: And it would never have the future of being a beautiful butterfly. Did you not know that caterpillars turn into butterflies?
MOKEY: Oh really? That’s very interesting. Can you please tell me more?
GROVER: Why certainly. You see, there are four stages of the caterpillar. Egg, Larva, Pupa, and Adult…..
* * * * * *
(In the Sesame dugout.)
BERT: Grover had a good lead! Now he’s turned from a runner to a professor?!
ERNIE: Take it easy, Bert. You know all of us from Sesame Street have this uncontrollable habit to teach. It’s like some force urges us to educate.
BERT: You mean ESP?
ERNIE: More like PBS.
* * * * * *
GUY: Well, it looks like Animal and Bear have completed their second lap while Grover and Mokey are standing there not racing at all. I don’t believe this, now Animal has stopped running and has joined the other two ceased runners!
ANIMAL: Caterpillar!
MOKEY: Yes, isn’t it darling? Want to hold it?
(Animal picks up the caterpillar, opens his mouth, and swallows it.)
MOKEY: AAAAAAAH!
ANIMAL: Good bug! Bye bye! (Gets back to running.)
MOKEY: My poor new friend!
GROVER: How dare he! This looks like a job for Super Grover!
(Grover spins around in circles and suddenly appears in his superhero costume.)
GUY: Amazing, somehow Grover has disappeared from the track and Super Grover has appeared out of nowhere! Where do you suppose Grover went?
* * * * * *
AN ANGRY BERT: That’s what the members of his team would like to know!
* * * * * *
GROVER: Up, up and apprehend! (Grover zooms and tackles Animal and starts to wrestle with him.)
ANIMAL: RAAARGGH!
GROVER: All right you foul fiend! Release that innocent caterpillar you have captured before I unleash my full superhero power on you!
GUY: This is crazy! Now it seems like Bear has completed his third lap while Mokey seems to be standing on the track in tears while Super Grover is having a wrestling match with Animal. I tell you, I haven’t seen this much mess since I’ve seen the condition of my hair from my old game show tapes! But look, Bear’s getting close to the finish line. It looks like he might be the one to win this race!
GROVER: I do not understand it! I am using my full super powers and you do not seem to be giving in!
ANIMAL: Me have nerves of steel!
GROVER: No matter what, I must rescue that caterpillar!
(Grover wraps his arms around Animal’s stomach and squeezes him hard causing the caterpillar to shoot out of his mouth.)
MOKEY: MY CATERPILLAR!!!!
BEAR: Oh boy, there’s the finish! I’m going to win!
(The caterpillar ends up flying into Bear’s ear causing Bear to stop.)
BEAR: Wait, I got something in my ear! I can’t run with things in my ear!
(Bear sticks his finger into his ear while standing just inches away from the finish line.)
GUY: This is complete madness! Bear is just inches away from winning, but now he seems to be playing with his ear! Now look! Mokey is running around the track again, passing Super Grover and Animal who seem to think this event is a wrestling match!
MOKEY(running around the track): Little caterpillar! Where are you?
BEAR: Just one more pat and I think I’ll have it out!
(Bear pats the side of his head causing the caterpillar to shoot out his ear and land on the other side of the finish line.)
BEAR: Ah, that’s much better.
MOKEY: There you are!
(Mokey rushes past Bear, crosses the finish line, and picks up her caterpillar.)
GUY: Our judges just informed me that Mokey has completed 4 laps. Mokey Fraggle is the winner!
BEAR: Oh well. At least I got that bug out of my system. Heh heh heh!
* * * * * *
(The Fraggles in the dugout cheer for Mokey!)
WEMBLEY: YAY! MOKEY DID IT!
RED: Was there any doubt? I was her coach!
* * * * * *
MOKEY: Are you okay, my little caterpillar? Don’t worry. I’ll get you the medical attention you need.
GUY: Miss. Mokey Fraggle. Can we have a word with you?
MOKEY: Please make it quick, I have to tend to my traumatized friend, here.
GUY: Mokey, at first it seemed that it worried your fans and teammates when you were the first to stop running. But somehow you managed to bounce back and bring your team the victory. Just what are your feelings right now?
MOKEY: Well, Guy. At first I felt determination when I first started running, but then I felt concerned when I saw this cute little caterpillar on that dangerous track, then I felt love for it. Then I felt fear when it got eaten, and then anger seeing what that Animal did and also sadness knowing that I might not ever see my new friend again. Then I became surprised when I saw it fly into the air as well as hope. And now I’m happy to be reunited with my caterpillar and proud that I won the race from my friends! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give this little caterpillar a bandage, a hot bath, and a nourishing meal. (Mokey rushes off.)
GUY: And there you have it! A Fraggle of many feelings! Certain athletes could learn a thing from her kindness, peace, and love!
(We see Super Grover and Animal all tangled up in a huge mess, then Bruno the garbage man picks them up, puts them in his trashcan, and walks off.)
GROVER: Once again, Super Grover has saved the day for cute little caterpillars!
ANIMAL: Want ice cream!
GROVER: Me too! Oh, mister sanitation citizen. Be so kind and take us to the nearest ice cream stand, will you?
* * * * * *
STATLER: They say that running is good for your heart.
WALDORF: I’ll say, maybe we should runaway before this tournament makes us die of heart attacks!
W & S: HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!
WALDORF: Uh oh! I think I feel one coming now! HAW, HAW!
* * * * * *
GUY: This is Guy Smiley bringing you back to Lewis Kazagger.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Guy. Wasn’t that the most amazing foot race you’ve ever seen, Newsie?
NEWSMAN: It’s seems more like some of those racers put their feet in their mouths!
LEWIS: Let’s see what our first scoring is right now. Maintaining our scoreboard is our favorite android, Digit.
* * * * * *
(We see Digit the Android taking a wire out of his chest, plugging it into a scoreboard section, and a huge 1 appears under the words, Fraggle Rock.)
DIGIT: Well Lewis, so far it looks like the Fraggle team is the first to score a point. So the score is Fraggle Team 1, other teams zero.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. And there you have our first scoring report with the Fraggle team leading. But who knows, the other 3 teams might have the strength, the endurance, the intelli… Well, those first two things to catch up.
NEWSMAN: Let’s say we get another report about our bicycle race from Telly Monster.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly still in the helicopter.)
TELLY: Well Mr. Newsman, it’s quite a confusing sight seeing some of our cyclists pedaling around New York City wondering where they should go. Right now, we’re looking at Beaker who seems to have stopped at the entrance of Central Park.
* * * * * *
(Beaker looks up at the Central Park entrance with a worried face while Bunsen talks to him on his cell phone.)
BUNSEN: That’s it Beaky. You’re sure to get back in the lead if you take a short cut through Central Park.
BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep! Mee, mee, mee, mee!”
BUNSEN: Oh Beaker. I’m sure Central Park isn’t that dangerous as most people say it is. All you have to do is ride though and don’t make eye contact with anyone. And make sure you’re not showing off anything valuable like gold, diamonds, and money. Now, off you go.
(Beaker sighs and pedals into the park. As Beaker cautiously rides through the park, he sees how pretty it can be when no crimes are happening.)
BEAKER IN A CALM HAPPY VOICE: Mee meep!
(Just then, Beaker’s bike suddenly turns from orange to solid gold and diamonds pop out from the sides.)
BEAKER: Mee meep!(Then his cell phone rings again.)
BUNSEN: Uh oh, Beaker. I forgot to tell you something! Muppet Lab’s bike has a special feature. At certain times, the bike turns to solid gold and sparkly diamonds pop out all over so it’ll give you class when pedaling through fancy places.
BEAKER: MEEP!
(Then a whole wad of cash pops out of Beaker’s handlebars.)
BUNSEN: And another feature the bike has is that cash can pop out of the handlebars at certain times just in case you come to a toll booth or a drive thru. So it might not be a good idea to ride through Central Park after all. Good luck. (Bunsen hangs up.)
Just then, some Muppet thugs and monsters surround Beaker while carrying some clubs and pipes and brass knuckles.
A HORRIFIED BEAKER: Mee, meep!
TELLY: Quick, get that camera back up to me!
(We look back up to Telly while a bunch of thrashing, pounding, and cries of MEEP, were heard from below.)
TELLY: Sorry, but since this program is rated G, it might not be wise to show you what’s going on down there. Ooooh! What a horrible sight to watch! We news reporters have such awful jobs!
(Beaker slowly pedals out of the park all beat up with his bicycle stripped of everything valuable.)
BEAKER: Mee, mee, meep! (And some teeth fall out of his mouth.)
TELLY: Poor Beaker, but at least he seems to be back on the right bike path. This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot reporting live from my helicopter above. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thanks once again, Telly. What are your comments about everything we’ve seen today, Newsie? Uh, Newsie?
(We see Newsman back at the Vendaface machine holding a gun.)
NEWSMAN: Now you listen and you listen good! I’m gonna put a dollar inside you and you’re gonna cooperate and give me my food, or else you might not live to see your retirement!
(The machine stars to shake nervously as it accepts Newsman’s dollar.)
NEWSMAN: That’s better. Now please give me some malted milk balls.
(Instead, the machine pops out a magnet, pulls the gun away from Newsman, and closes the hatch.)
NEWSMAN: What the…?
VENDAFACE: Your milk balls, Mr. Bossy.
(Vendaface brings out the gun again and starts shooting milk balls at the Newsman chasing him behind his chair. Lewis hides behind his chair as well.)
LEWIS: Didn’t anyone tell you never to threaten Vendaface machines?! The guy who created them is famous for being a total jerk!
NEWSMAN: And their malted milk balls pack a mean punch too! Look at these chocolate cuts on my face! MAKEUP!
(Lewis pops his head back up wearing an army helmet while milk balls bounce off of it.)
LEWIS: This is Lewis Kazagger saying tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. If we’re both still living that is!
(A milk ball hits the camera and everything goes staticky.)
Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Back to the Rock Season 2
Sesame Street Season 54
The Muppets Mayhem premieres
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
I thought this was a great way to bring all our favorite Muppets from different shows together.
