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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xerus, Jul 13, 2005.

  1. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Fraggles Rock! You Rock! Fraggles.
    Fraggles Rock! You Rock, Fraggles!
    Dance your peers away,
    Let them win another daa-aay
    Let the Fraggle's Win,
    Get Down, the Fraggles rock!

  2. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    That was an awesome cheer, Beau. :) Now the Fraggles have a cheering section. :excited:

    Now we have 3 teams with cheerleaders. :)
  3. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    I have a Big Blue House cheer in the making...
  4. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    Get em, Get em, Get em, Get em, Big Blue House!
    Get em, get em, get em, get em, Big Blue House!
    We're all cheering with a grin,
    So our favorite team...will WIN!!! Yay!!
  5. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Bear. That was great. :) Now all the teams have cheerleading squads to make this an even more spectacular sporting event! :)
  6. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Fraggles Rock! You Rock! Fraggles.
    Fraggles Rock! You Rock, Fraggles!

    Dance your peers away,
    Let them win another daa-aay
    Let the Fraggle's Win,
    Get Down, the Fraggles rock!

    Doozer Cheer Leader (with pompom): Take it, Doozers!

    Work it out today,
    Don't let them take the prize away,
    Let the other's pay!
    Get Down, the Fraggles rock!


    Dance your peers away,
    Let them win another daa-aay
    Let the Fraggle's Win,
    Get Down, the Fraggles rock!

    Work it out today,
    Don't let them take the prize away,
    Let the other's pay!
    Get Down, the Fraggles rock!

    Fraggles Rock! You Rock! Fraggles.
    Fraggles Rock! You Rock, Fraggles!
  7. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    So what's the next event that everybody's cheering so much?
  8. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    Actually, no. I am rooting more for Sesame Street. The cheer idea just came easily to me.
  9. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 4

    (We see Lewis and the Newsman back in their announcer booth.)

    LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome to Day 4 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger.

    NEWSMAN: And I’m the man with the news.

    LEWIS: And as you can see, we’re back in our fully repaired and cleaned up announcer booth.

    NEWSMAN: And we have a great view of the crowd. Will you look at the number of people in this crowd, Lewis? If the Count were here, he’d be in counting Heaven.

    * * * * * *

    (We see the Count watching the stadium’s crowd on his portable TV while riding his bike.)

    COUNT: Look at all those wild and crazy sports fans! I could count them all! One, two, three! And they said it was a bad idea for me to take a TV with me while riding! This is one wonderful idea! HA HA HA!

    (Count was so busy watching TV while riding, that he doesn’t notice that he’s riding into a street with speeding cars on it. He rides right through it, causing all the cars to swerve and crash.)

    COUNT: Sounds like a bunch of reckless drivers! Oh I wish I could’ve counted their mistakes! But I’m too busy counting all the sports fans on my little TV. Oh well! Four, five, six…..!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Just look at this crowd, Newise. It looks like they’re all having a good time eating snacks, being with their loved ones, and showing their support for their fans!

    (The camera shows four guys pulling off their shirts and showing off the letters painted on their stomachs, spelling out the word, BEAR.)

    LEWIS: Obviously, those fans are rooting for the Big Blue House team.

    NEWSMAN: Think again!

    (Six more guys come in and stand next to the guys spelling BEAR and they had letters painted on their stomachs too. And together, they spelled out, FOZZIE BEAR.)

    LEWIS: Poor Big Blue House Bear!

    NEWSMAN: Wait! Look again!

    (A whole bunch of more guys come in from the other side with letters on their stomachs. And all together, they spelled, FOZZIE BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE. The 27 guys look at what they spelled and started arguing and fighting with each other.)

    LEWIS: Whoa! One rule about being a sports fan is to watch where you sit and spell.

    NEWSMAN: But it looks like those guys over there have mastered the art of fan spelling.

    (We see some actual Muppet letters jumping up and down on their seats spelling out, SESAME STREET.)

    NEWSMAN: That Sesame team always seems to have the best luck with letters.

    LEWIS: And look in the bottom row, two elderly gentlemen are starting up a message with only two letters.

    (We see Waldorf and Statler dancing around topless with the letters PU on their wrinkly old stomachs.)

    NEWSMAN(covering his eyes): Eyeww! And I thought I’d see enough torture in this job!

    LEWIS: And it looks like some fans in the top row are starting to do the wave!

    (Suddenly, a huge tidal wave splashes on the fans in the lower rows getting them all wet. Up in the top row, we see a bunch of fish, lobsters, octopuses, sharks, and whales splashing around in huge tanks.)

    NEWSMAN: I sure am glad we’re back in our safe booth instead of out there.

    (A shark suddenly enters the booth.)

    A SHOCKED NEWSMAN: What are you doing in here?!

    SHARK: My wife and kids sent me out to get some snacks.

    (The shark takes a bite out of the Newsman’s arm and drags him out of the booth.)


    LEWIS: Uh, quick, turn that camera over to me! Nothing serious here folks, our friendly Newsman is just going fishing. Heh heh! Now let’s get to our next event of the day. Reporting at the scene is that cute little pig in a beach blanket, Spamela Hamderson.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    (We see Spamela standing next to a pool.)

    SPAMELA: Thank you, Lewie! Hi all you cute sports fans. I’m Spamela Hamderson reporting live from this groovy cool pool where the 200 meter swim is about to start. Yes, the weather is hot, the water looks inviting, and this little pig is feeling hot herself!

    (Spamela shows off her sexy body while all the male fans start to gaze at her and drool. Also, Waldorf and Statler were gazing while shocking each other with electric paddles trying to keep each other alive.)

    SPAMELA: Oh, look. Here come our strong and handsome athletes rushing to the starting line. Oops! I didn’t mean rush, I meant slowly walking to the starting line. Remember kids, no running when you’re around a pool. Anyway, here are our swimmers. Representing the Fraggle team is team captain, Gobo. Playing for the Big Blue House Team is Pip the Otter. Swimming for the Muppet Show team is Pepe the Shrimp.

    PEPE: I’m a king prawn, okay!

    SPAMELA: Right, king prawn, sorry Pepe!

    PEPE: It’s quite all right, okay! Or better yet you can call me YOURS!

    SPAMELA: Hee Hee! How adorable! But I don’t see the swimmer for the Sesame Street team. Where can this person be?

    REFEREE: I’ll give the Sesame swimmer 5 minutes to show up and if he or she doesn’t appear, the Sesame team will forfeit.

    SPAMELA: Ooooh! Something to keep the fans glued to their seats. How exciting! Will this mystery missing swimmer show up or will the Sesame team lose by default? We’ll see in about 5 minutes.

    * * * * * *

    (In the Sesame team’s locker room, we see Ernie wandering around calling out for Bert.)

    ERNIE: Bert, where are you? Your event is about to start! Oh, there you are!

    (Ernie rushes over to a locker and sees Bert’s eyes peeking out of the locker holes.)

    BERT: Ernie, I am not going out there! I feel ridiculous!

    ERNIE: Come on, Bert. It’s not the swim ware I picked out for you, is it?

    BERT: To be honest, YEEEEESSSSS! You’re always putting me in such humiliating clothing! Like that princess costume, the caterpillar suit, and that Cupid suit. But this! I don’t have a word for how demeaning this is!

    ERNIE: Aw, come on Bert! Show the world all of you!

    (Ernie opens up the locker, grabs Bert’s arm, and pulls him out. We see Bert dressed in only a green Speedo.)

    BERT: Look at me, Ernie! I feel almost naked in this thing!

    ERNIE: But I think you look so sporty in that Speedo, Bert. And I must say, those oatmeal diets of yours are sure paying off. KEE HEE HEE HEE!

    (Bert rushes back into his locker.)

    ERNIE: Aw, come on, Bert. Remember, you’re swimming for our Sesame Street team! You don’t want to let your friends and teammates and fans down by not going out there, do you?

    BERT: It’s not just the Speedo, Ernie. Also have you seen my competition?! I’m gonna be swimming against a Fraggle, an otter, and a shrimp!


    BERT: Sorry Pepe, anyway Ernie. Those three types of animals are natural born swimmers. There’s no way a mere human like me can win against them!

    (Just then, a baby resembling Bert wearing a small life jacket waddles into the locker room.)

    BABY: Goo goo gaga, Unca Bert?

    BERT(cracking open the locker door): It’s my little nephew, Brad. What’s he doing here?

    ERNIE: His parents brought him over. And they asked me if you would help them and little Brad too.

    BERT: Really, how?

    ERNIE: From what his folks had told me, they want to sign Brad up for swimming lessons, but poor Brad is afraid to get into a pool.

    BRAD: No pool! No pool! Scary!

    ERNIE: They were hoping if he sees his brave and gallant Uncle Bert out there swimming and hopefully winning, it will give Brad the courage to give swimming a chance.

    (Bert slowly steps out of his locker and looks at Brad with a worried face.)

    BRAD: No swim! Swimming scary?

    BERT(hugging his nephew): Oh, Brad. There’s no need to be afraid of swimming. Once you learn how, swimming can be a lot of fun and refreshing. Tell you what, why don’t you watch me swim in today’s race and you can see how wonderful and exciting it can be?

    BRAD: Goo goo gaga?

    A SMILING BERT: Trust your Uncle Bert, kiddo!

    ERNIE: Yay, Bert! I knew you had it in you!

    BERT(whispering so Brad can’t hear): Ernie, I’m still not sure about this. What if I end up losing? That might make Brad want to swim even less.

    ERNIE: Don’t worry, Bert. Just tell yourself, you’re gonna win this race for your dear nephew, Brad. Think Eye of the Tiger!

    BERT: Eye of the Tiger? That’s absurd!

    ERNIE: All right, then. How about, Eye of the Pigeon?

    BERT: Eye of the Pigeon? Yes, that can work. Hand me my nose plug, Ern. Bert’s gonna swim!

    (Ernie places a nose plug around Bert’s face and Bert marches out of the locker room while Ernie holds Brad.)

    ERNIE: Did you hear that, Brad? Your Uncle Bert’s gonna show you how to be a grade-A swim champion.

    BRAD: Unca Bert! Unca Bert! Goo goo goo!

    ERNIE: Don’t you mean, go go go?

    * * * * *

    REFEREE: One minute to go!

    SPAMELA: Oh, this is not looking good for the Sesame team. If their swimmer doesn’t show up soon, it’s a total forfeit!

    BERT’S VOICE: There’ll be no forfeit for my team today!

    (Everyone turns around and finds Bert marching to the pool.)

    SPAMELA: Look! It’s one of the team captains of the Sesame team! It’s Bert, marching to the startling line, looking very manly!

    (The crowd starts cheering as some girls wave to Bert, blowing him kisses.)

    BERT(flexing his muscles): Hey, maybe this Speedo isn’t so bad after all. Eh, eh, eh, eh!

    STATLER: Hey Waldorf, would you ever wear one of those Speedos?

    WALDORF: I’m wearing one right now. A white super absorbent one!

    SPAMELA: Now all four swimmers are at the starting line waiting to show off their wonderful water works!

    REFEREE: Swimmers, on your mark, get set, BANG!

    SPAMELA: And they’re off! It looks like Gobo has taken a lead, with Pip and Pepe, swimming in second, and it looks like poor Bert is not only the last to appear at the starting line, but he seems to be in last place. Oh! I can just watch these swimming hunks all day!

    (Pepe starts to swim over to Spamela.)

    PEPE: Well how about you watch this swimming hunk up close, okay?

    SPAMELA: Well, uh…

    PEPE: Yes, I know you’re speechless, okay? It’s not every day a cute little pig like yourself can be in the presence of a hunky piece of prawn like myself!

    SPAMELA: Shouldn’t you be getting back to the race? You’ve just moved down to last place.

    PEPE: Oh boy! I guess I’d better get back to swimming. (Then Pepe takes out a damp piece of paper and starts writing something on it and hands it to Spamela.)

    PEPE: Here’s my number. Maybe later tonight, we can come back to my place and we can share a hot tub together, okay?

    SPAMELA: Are you sure boiling in hot water is good for prawns like you?

    PEPE: Just as long as I’m not breaded, I’ll be fine, okay? See you around my little cutie pork pie!

    (Pepe starts swimming again while Spamela looks nervously at the damp paper. But then the phone number gets washed off and Spamela sighs of relief.)

    SPAMELA(Looking up at the sky): Thank you Lord! (Then looks back at the pool.)

    SPAMELA: Our swimmers have just reached the other end of the pool and are swimming back. And it looks like Gobo and Pip have taken the lead while Bert and Pepe are trying to catch up. Just what’s going through these swimmer’s minds as they’re thriving to win?

    BERT: Eye of the Pigeon! Eye of the Pigeon!

    GOBO: Catch a tail by the tiger! Take the horns by the bull!

    PIP: Win one for the Kipper! A nice tasty delicious kipper! (Pip starts to slow down.)

    PEPE: Oh, that Spamela sure is hot! One real hottie sausage! (Pepe starts to slow down as well.)

    SPAMELA: It looks like both Pip and Pepe have slowed down and are just bobbing in the water, deep in thought. Now it looks like it’s just Gobo and Bert approaching the finish. Who will turn out victorious?

    BERT: Who am I kidding?! There’s no way I can beat that Fraggle! Wait a minute, Brad believes in me. If I give up, I’ll let him down and Brad may not ever want to swim! Kick those legs and move those arms Bert! I’ll show Ernie my arms aren’t that floppy-soggy!

    (Bert starts spinning his arms like boat paddles and takes off like a bullet.)

    SPAMELA: Wait a minute, it looks like someone shot a torpedo into the pool! No, wait. It is Bert swimming at lightning speed! And he’s catching up with Gobo! Both swimmers have crossed the finish line together. It looks like this’ll be a photo finish.

    (We see a Muppet camera approach Spamela and start taking pictures of her.)

    SPAMELA: Oh please. I don’t really need to do any photo shoots right now! I just need the winner of this race.)

    CAMERA: Sorry, you always seem to have some cosmic control over us lowly cameras. Here you go!

    (The camera ejects a picture from his mouth and Spamela takes it.)

    SPAMELA: And it looks like Bert wins by his unusually pointy head! The Sesame Street team wins!

    (The crowd starts cheering as well as the Sesame team.)

    ERNIE: That’s my old buddy Bert! Did you see that Brad? Your uncle won! Uh, Brad? Where’d you go?

    (Bert waves to the crowd while drinking a bottle of Oatmeal-ade. Then Spamela approaches him.)

    SPAMELA: Excuse me, Bert. You gave your fans quite a lot of suspense. First almost showing up late, and then appearing to be in last place, but then catching up in a sudden burst of energy. Tell me, what drove you to win?

    BERT BLUSHING: Well, Spamela. Eh eh eh eh! I couldn’t’ve done all of this in the first place without the encouragement of my dear little nephew, Brad. I hope seeing me win will show Brad that swimming can be fun.

    (Bert turns his head around and finds Brad splashing around in the shallow end of the pool.)

    BERT(bursting with pride): Brad, you’re in the pool! Oh, I’m so proud of you!

    BRAD(Goo goo goo!): Brad climbs out of the pool and waddles over to Bert.

    BERT: Yes Brad, come and give your Uncle Bert a loving hug!

    (Bert holds out his arms and waits for Brad. But Brad just waddles past him.)

    A PUZZLED BERT: Brad?(Bert looks over and sees Brad in Spamela’s arms.)

    SPAMELA: Oh, you’re such a cutie!

    BRAD: Goo goo ga! (And he starts nuzzling his pointy head against Spamela’s neck.)

    A GRUMPY BERT: He’s hit puberty way too early!

    (Pepe rises his head out of water and becomes shocked seeing Brad and Spamela together.)

    PEPE: If only I were a young prince prawn again!

    SPAMELA: This is Spamela Hamderson bringing you back to Lewis Kazagger. Say goodbye, sweetie! (Spamela points her microphone to Brad’s mouth. And Brad just spits in it. The entire crowd goes, “AAAAWWWWWW!”)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: What a cute way to end a spectacular swim meet! And it looks like the Sesame team will get a point on the scoreboard as well. Digit, what’s the scoring so far?

    * * * * * *

    (We see Digit at the scoreboard taking out one of his cords and twirling them around making cat’s whiskers.)

    LEWIS: Digit, the scoring sometime today please?

    A BLUSHING DIGIT: Oh, right! Why can’t I stop these bad personal habits?

    (Digit turns down a knob on his head causing the blushing to cease, then untangles his cord and plugs it into the Sesame Street section giving them 1 point.)

    DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like now the Sesame, Fraggle, and the Big Blue House teams are all tied with one point each, while the Muppet Show team is the only one in last place with zero. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: And there you have the scoring. Will the Muppet Show team get out of last place and catch up? And will I ever see my co-anchor, Newsie, again? Stay tuned for Day 5 of the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.

    (Newsman crawls back in all beaten up with his clothes all torn.)

    LEWIS: Newsie! You’ve escaped those hungry sharks! How’d you do it?

    NEWSMAN(panting): I’m just lucky one of the nearby vendors was selling fish fries. Sharks much prefer fish to humans.

    LEWIS: Well, it’s good to have you back at my side.

    NEWSMAN: Thank you. And it’s good that I didn’t get eaten after all.

    (Then a huge purple monster known as Gorgon Heap barges into the announcer box.)

    GORGON: Tenderized human! My favorite!

    NEWSMAN: OH NO! (Gorgon grabs the Newsman and swallows him whole. Then Gorgon looks at the shaking Lewis.)

    GORGON: This is a mighty fine snack bar you have here, sir. (He hands Lewis five bucks and walks out the door.)

    LEWIS: Snack bar?! Wait a minute! (Lewis steps out the door and sees the words, SNACK BAR, painted over the entrance of the announcer box. Then he sees some punk kids holding a paintbrush and paintbucket while giggling.)

    LEWIS: You punk kids! When I get my hands on you….!

    (The kids run away and as Lewis was about to reach out his hands, he saw the money in one of them.)

    LEWIS: Hey, five bucks! I think I’ll go get me some nachos. I hope those punks didn’t paint, announcer booth, over the snack bar door. Heh heh! You want anything, Newsie?

    (We see Gorgon hanging out in the hall while the shape of Newsman’s head forms in his stomach.)

    NEWSMAN: If you would, see if they have any castor oil! Lots and lots of it!

    (Camera goes off.)
  10. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Ah, you've got me laughing again! As usual! A fantabulous chapter, love the count counting the fans on tv, and the swim competition was just so GLORIOUS! Ol' Buddy Bert in a speedo, <blush!> But Brad, just SOOOOOOO cute! Aw, let's all give him a cute little hug. And I love the whole thing between spamela and pepe. Oh, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Pepe (assumingly in the pool) correcting Bert (in the locker room) about being a King Prawn! And the newsman getting eaten, and... and... I LOVE IT!
  11. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your praises, TogetherAgain. :) Yes, I wanted to have Brad make a reappearance. I haven't seen him in the longest time. That's when Bert seems to be really happy. Whenever his nephew is around. :)
  12. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    One of my fav chapters so far and one of your best written in this story. I loved it and I thought your use of nephew Brad was clever. Surprised that Bert would mention something like puberty though. How racey.
  13. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hey Xerus... Sorry I didn't see nor comment on this before.

    Ah, so many great things in that swimming event chapter.

    First of... Oooh yeah, Spamela.
    Second, Brad. Nice touch. Can still her his Richard Hunt high-pitched shriek when Ernie brought out the plastic shark for his bath.
    The bits with Newsman getting dragged out by the shark and eaten by Gorgon Heap were good.

    Nice line... That Sesame Street team seems to have such good luck with letters.
    And then the race itself... Yaey! Victory for our SS team!
    Looking forward to the next day/event.
  14. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your comments everyone. :) I thought Spamela would fit perfectly as a celebrity announcer. I could tell Richard Hunt does Brad, for he can shriek just like Beaker. :eek:

    And I kind of thought puberty was a harmless word, where a teen reaches a certain age. Do you think I should fix that line Bert said?
  15. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well... Your call. Got the joke though, kind of like that cartoon moment when the little baby cousin goes straight past his older cousin or sibling, straight to the hot woman... Cause he's already thinkin'.
    But it's your story pal, just looking forward to the next day/event.
  16. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 5

    (We see Lewis Kazagger and the Newsman in the announcer box.)

    LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 5 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.

    NEWSMAN: And I’m the guy with the nose for news, Newsman. Uh oh! I think I feel a sniffle coming on! (He starts to blow his nose.)

    LEWIS: Must you do that on live TV, Newsie?! Where’s your spray?

    NEWSMAN: Do you know how expensive the pharmacy is?! I needed the money to buy this new gold sports casting jacket! The last one I bought went out of style since yesterday! And rumor has it that this jacket will go out of style in a few minutes! Which is why I need to start saving!

    LEWIS(sighing): Well sports fans. If you tuned in to our last few days, you’ll know that the Fraggle, Big Blue House, and Sesame Street teams are now tied with one point each. While the Muppet Show team is the only one in last place with a big zilcho.

    NEWSMAN: Zilcho? I hope that’s not contagious.

    LEWIS: Just keep blowing your nose. Anyway, let’s get an update about the cross country bicycle race from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Telly in reporting from the branches of a tall tree.)

    * * * * * *

    TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, giving you an update on the bike race. Our bikers have just left the city and are pedaling through the country with the Count leading, Beaker in second, Doc Hog in third, and Traveling Matt bringing up the rear. And what a nice day to be riding through the country too! Jut look at that beautiful field of flowers.

    COUNT: What lovely flowers! There’s nothing like stopping to count the flowers!

    (Count pulls over to the flower field while the others pass him.)

    COUNT: One flower, two flowers, three flowers, four fancy frilly flowers….

    TELLY: I don’t believe this! Just a second ago, The Count was holding the lead, now he’s in last place counting the flowers?!

    COUNT: 15 daffodils, 12 bluebells, 10 roses, and 25 daisies! HA HA HA! I can just count these flowers all day! HA HA HA AAH AAAAH! Oh no, I forgot! Flowers make me sneeze! AAAAAH! Especially a whole field of them! AAAAH! CHOOOO!

    (The powerful sneeze causes Count to zoom backwards on his bike catching up with the other bikers.)

    COUNT: Wow! Who would’ve thought an allergy would end up helping out an athlete?! This is Telly, your Monster of the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    TELLY: Thank you again Telly for another exciting bike update. Now, we’ll see if the Muppet Show team can catch up in today’s event. And reporting live at the scene is the former host of the former show, Muppets Tonight, Clifford.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    Thanks Lew. Yo yo yo, everyone! This is Clifford, reporting live from the pole vaulting event. In about a few minutes, our athletes will show off their jumping skills and try to reach new heights to win. And speaking of jumping, there’s the Team Captain of the Muppet Show, Kermit the Frog, in his dugout.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Kermit in the dugout, polishing up a huge metal pole.)

    GONZO: Hey, Kermit. That’s a really fancy pole you got there.

    KERMIT: Thank’s Gonzo. This was the same pole I used when I was a track star back in swamp school.

    FOZZIE: Wow, Kermit. I didn’t know you were an athletic star back then!

    KERMIT: Of course, you didn’t think I had a stunt double doing all my stunts when we did all those movies, did you?

    FOZZIE: Oh yeah, (Flashing back to the fight in the El Sleazo Café when filming The Muppet Movie.) No wonder why I was in so much pain after that shooting. I didn’t have a stunt double either!

    GONZO: Stunt doubles are for lazy slackers! A true actor does his own stunts and takes the pain along with it.

    (Robin hops over to Kermit carrying a water bottle)

    ROBIN: Here you go, Uncle Kermit. Some water for you!

    KERMIT: Oh, thank you Robin. You’re a good water-frog.

    (Kermit takes a sip of the bottle and smiles.)

    KERMIT: Hey, algae water mixed with dragonfly wings! Just like back home.)

    ROBIN: I thought you’d like that. Everyone back home in the swamp is watching you on TV. They’re counting on you to win the pole vault in the name of frog-dom.

    KERMIT: Don’t worry, Robin. I plan to win this event. And nothing will stop me from doing my best!

    (Just then, the big screen TV on the top of the announcer booth turns on and we see the Newsman.)

    NEWSMAN: Just a reminder to all of you that one of the sponsors of this great sports show is Doc Hopper’s French Fried Frog Legs.


    FOZZIE: I thought we heard the last of him!

    NEWSMAN: That’s right. If you want to enjoy some golden spicy frog legs with a green shake and tater tadpoles, hop on down to Doc Hopper’s.


    NEWSMAN: And don’t forget about the contest Doc Hopper’s is holding. Whenever you buy a food item, you’ll receive a game card. Rub off the coating and you’ll find the name of a team and an event. And if the team on your card wins that event, you’ll win a free jumbo bucket of delicious frog legs!


    (Just then, Kermit hears a voice in the bottom row of the crowd. He looks up and sees an orange colored guy holding a card.)

    ORANGE GUY: Hey, it says here if The Muppet Show team wins the pole vault, I’ll win me some free frog legs!

    KERMIT: That’s my event! If I win, that guy will get free frog legs because of me! This is horrible!

    PIGGY: Kermie, are you okay?

    KERMIT: I don’t think I’ll ever be if I win!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: And now here’s our first jumper! Playing for the Fraggle team is Lou Fraggle.

    (A girl Fraggle with purple pigtails comes up to the field holding a pole, while all the Fraggles in their dugout start to cheer.)

    WEMBLEY: Yay, Lou! You can do it, Lou!

    (Lou starts to run then vaults over the crossbar and lands on a soft blue mattress.)

    CLIFFORD: Pretty good! The judges informed me Lou has jumped eight feet.

    (The Fraggle team starts to cheer for Lou, especially Wembley with huge red hearts in his eyes.)


    GOBO: Wembley, I know you like Lou a lot, but take those stickers off your eyeballs. It’s not healthy for you eyesight.

    WEMBLEY: Oh, okay! (Wembley peels off the heart stickers from his eyes and starts to rub them.) I’ve never noticed this before, but my eyeballs feel like ping-pong balls.

    * * * * * *

    (Back at The Muppet Show dugout)

    FOZZIE: Wow, that Fraggle can jump pretty good.

    PIGGY: But not as good as Kermie, I bet.

    A WORRIED KERMIT: I wish Piggy wouldn’t encourage me to win. I sure hope the other jumpers will be a lot better than me so that guy won’t be eating frog legs tonight!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Now vaulting for the Big Blue House team is Treelo the Lemur. Lemur’s are from Madagascar in case any of you are interested.

    (Treelo grabs the pole with his tail and starts to bounce around like a ball. Then he rushes over to the crossbar, sticks the pole into the hole, but instead of jumping, he climbs on top of it and starts swinging around on it.)


    CLIFFORD: What’s that crazy monkey boy doing?! He’s isn’t jumping, he’s just swinging around on it. Now he’s jumping up and down on it like a pogo-stick! Where does he think he’s at, a French Canadian circus?

    * * * * * *

    (In the Big Blue House dugout)

    TUTTER: What’s Treelo doing? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to jump over that bar?

    BEAR: You know Treelo. He likes to have wild and harmless fun whatever he does.

    PIP: It’s not harmless if he loses us this event!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: This is totally warped, man! All that Treelo seems to be doing is bouncing on that pole and he seems to be going higher and higher. Now, he’s letting go of the pole, leaping over the bar, and landing on the mattress!

    TREELO: Ta da!

    CLIFFORD(touching his earpiece): Hold it, our judges just informed me that Treelo has jumped 12 feet. Putting the Big Blue House team ahead of the Fraggle team!

    (The Big Blue House team starts to cheer.)

    CLIFFORD: Yo, Treelo. That was some extreme athletics you just pulled. Can you tell your fans your motivation for all that?

    TREELO: Waga yaga weebee oogoo walla walla, Go Team!

    CLIFFORD: Strong words. Strong, untranslatable, nonsense words! Tell me, you wouldn’t be related to either Beaker or the Swedish Chef, would you?

    * * * * * *

    GONZO: Those were pretty cool moves that lemur has! I wonder if he likes getting shot out of a cannon?

    PIGGY: That’s nothing! My frog will vault higher than all those amateurs put together!

    A DEPRESSED KERMIT: I’m sorry, everyone. I just can’t jump!


    PIGGY: Kermie, you’re giving up?!

    FOZZIE: But Kermit. You have to jump and win this event! So far, we’re the only team that hasn’t scored yet!

    KERMIT: And it’s probably a good thing that we don’t! So far, no one has won any free frog legs because of us! See ya’ around! (Kermit leaves the gang and heads for the locker room.)

    PIGGY: Kermie?!!

    FOZZIE: That’s right. If we win any events, Kermit’s frog friends will pay.

    GONZO: How much money do frogs carry?

    EVERYONE: GONZO!!! (Gonzo ducks his head down his sweatshirt in embarrassment.)

    ROBIN: I’ll go talk to him. (Robin hops into the locker room after his uncle while the others watch with worried faces.)

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Now jumping for the Sesame team is The Cookie Monster. Is that his first name, The?

    (We see Cookie Monster holding a long pole while Bert is next to him.)

    COOKIE: Oh, me want cookie now! Me hungry for cookie!

    BERT: No, Cookie. First you jump and then you can have a cookie. It’s not a good idea for athletes to eat sweets before an event.

    COOKIE: Oh, all right! Me wonder if Bruce Jenner had to deal with stuff like this!

    (Cookie starts to run up to the crossbar while holding his pole.)

    COOKIE: Me sure want cookie! No wait. Me get mind on something else. Like the pole vault. Yes, this shiny pole. It looks so long and crunchy like peppermint stick! Mmmmm! Delicious, minty, peppermint stick!

    (Without thinking, Cookie continues running while chomping on the pole making it smaller.)

    CLIFFORD: Wait a minute! The Cookie Monster’s pole seems to be getting smaller. He seems to be eating it! I’ve heard of eating Polish food, but this is ridiculous!

    * * * * * *

    BERT: What’s he doing?! He’s making his pole smaller!

    ERNIE: I told you we should’ve let him have his cookie before the jump!

    * * * * * *

    (Cookie was about to plant his pole into the hole, but then discovered he had eaten it into a small 5 inch pole.)

    COOKIE: Uh oh! Me lost control again! Oh well. Me make the best of cute little economy sized pole.

    (Cookie places the tiny pole into the hole and just plops onto the mattress like it was a bed.)

    CLIFFORD: How disappointing! Cookie has only jumped 1 foot from the ground and onto the mattress. The poor monster must be devastated!

    (Instead, we see Cookie Monster sleeping on the mattress snoring, “COOKIES!”)

    * * * * * *

    (In the Muppet Show locker room, we see a sad Kermit opening up his locker and stuffing a bunch of his green spiky collars into his duffle bag.)

    KERMIT: I wish there was some other way!

    ROBIN(rushing in): There is another way! You can jump and at least try to win for your team and your friends and for your fans!

    KERMIT: But Robin, didn’t you see those Doc Hopper ads earlier? If I win the pole vault, some of our relatives will lose their legs!

    ROBIN: Our team isn’t the only name on those game cards! If the other teams win these events, people win free frog legs either way!

    KERMIT: Yes, that’s right! I can’t believe we agreed to do all of this without learning about Doc Hopper!

    ROBIN: Look Uncle Kermit. Our friends and family back home are counting on you to try your best! They know how much you despise Doc Hopper. We all do! But if you just give up now, that awful Doc Hopper Corporation will win and we frogs will look like total losers!

    KERMIT: We will?!

    ROBIN: Yeah, you know. I bet old Doc Hopper started up this contest just to get revenge on you! Thinking all this will force you to look like a quitter to the entire world. And so he won’t have to give out any free frog legs if the Muppet Show team loses.

    KERMIT: Gee! I never thought about it that way, but still….

    (Robin picks up Kermit’s pole)

    ROBIN: If you’re not gonna compete, then I will!

    (Kermit watches as the tiny frog tries to lug the heavy pole out of the locker room.)

    ROBIN: Gotta win for Uncle Kermit and for our family back home! Boy, this pole is heavy!

    (Robin then feels the pole get yanked away from him. He looks up and sees Kermit holding the pole with a determined look on his face.)

    KERMIT: Thank you, Robin! You’ve given me the courage to go through with this.

    (He pats his nephew’s head and rushes out the door.)

    ROBIN(with a tear in his eye): That’s my Uncle Kermit.

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: For some reason, Kermit, who’s supposed to be jumping for the Muppet Show team, hasn’t shown up yet! If he doesn’t get his little green butt out here, the Muppet show team will forfeit!

    * * * * * *

    FOZZIE: So much for having our faces posted on cereal boxes!

    GONZO: I can’t even get my whole face on one! (Gonzo looks at a box of Wheaties with a picture of him on it with his nose cut off at the side.)

    PIGGY: Look, it’s Kermie! (The Muppets watch and see Kermit marching out the dugout while holding his pole in silence.)

    FOZZIE: He’s going to jump!

    PIGGY: I knew my frog was no chicken!

    GONZO: And what’s wrong with chickens!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Look, there’s Kermit now! And it looks like he’s running, no, make that hopping at lightning speed! Whoa! Look at those frog legs go!

    KERMIT: There’s no way these frog legs will get into the greasy hands of Doc Hopper!

    (Kermit plants his pole and makes the biggest jump of all!)

    CLIFFORD! Whoa! Whoa! It looks like Kermit has jumped a really high 16 feet! Making him the winner!

    (Kermit lands on the mattress, but then bounces over the crossbar again.)

    CLIFFORD: Now Kermit’s jumped over the bar again at 17 feet!

    (Kermit ends up bouncing over the bar for a third time, then a fourth time, then a few more times while bouncing even higher each time!)

    CLIFFORD: Man, I haven’t seen this much bouncing since I cashed in all my paychecks from my first job! I can definitely say that Kermit the Frog is the winner!

    * * * * * *

    (The Muppet Show team cheers while jumping up and down!)

    PIGGY: Oh, I am so proud of moi’s frog!

    ROBIN: Way to go, Uncle Kermit!

    * * * * * *

    (Clifford rushes over the panting frog.)

    CLIFFORD: Yo, Kerm! That was some wild jumping act you just pulled out there! Tell us! What was your motivation to win?”

    KERMIT: Well Clifford, to tell you the truth, at first I almost thought about forfeiting for personal reasons, but then after a strong pep talk from my loving nephew, Robin. It gave me the courage to jump and win for him, my team, and for all my friends and family!

    (Kermit then looks over to the same orange guy holding the winning card.)

    KERMIT: Excuse me for a minute, please! (He leaves Clifford and hops up to the guy.)

    ORANGE GUY: Hey, Kermit! That was an awesome jump you just made! Congrats!

    KERMIT: Thanks. I just hope you realize what I let you win and what the consequences will be for some certain amphibians.

    ORANGE GUY(looking at his card): You mean this? Oh no. I don’t want to eat any frog legs. I’m a vegetarian.


    ORANGE GUY: Yes, I only found this card under my seat and I was curious to know which team was on it and what event. I have no intention of cashing this in. You can have it if you’d like. (He hands the card to Kermit.)

    KERMIT: Thank you, you’re a saint! (Kermit takes out a photo of himself, writes his autograph on it, and hands it to the guy. Then hops back down into his dugout.)

    ROBIN: Hey, congratulations Uncle Kermit. You did it!

    KERMIT: All thanks to you, Robin. I won and no relatives of ours will have to pay with their legs, for now. (Kermit looks at the winning card and tears it up.)

    FOZZIE: But what if we win other events?

    (But before Kermit could answer, the Newsman comes back onto the big screen.)

    NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! It was just reported that a health inspector discovered some disturbing scenes in a local Doc Hopper’s restaurant! It turns out the corporation had not only been cooking up frog legs, but have also been using other animal parts disguised as frog legs. Mainly the six legged kind! Because of this, the board of health has shut down all Doc Hopper’s restaurants everywhere and all those game cards have become null and void!

    KERMIT: YAHOOOO! Did you hear that everyone?! No more Doc Hopper and no more French Fried Frog Legs! Now I got my wining spirit back for good! How about all of you?!


    * * * * * *

    (We see Waldorf and Statler holding a bunch of game cards with disappointed looks.)

    STATLER: Oh great! These Doc Hopper cards have now become useless! What’ll we do with them now?

    WALDORF: Have a paper cut fight?

    STATLER: Sounds fun! (And the two old men start to have a sword fight with their cards while laughing out loud.)

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: And there you have it. The pole vault with The Muppet Show team bringing home the win. This is Clifford bringing you back to my man, Lewis!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Clifford. Yes, we’ve seen yet another spectacular sport. Digit, what’s the scoring now?

    * * * * * *

    (We see Digit eating a plate of spaghetti, but then accidentally eating one of his own cords causing him to short circuit!)

    DIGIT: Oops! (He takes the cord from his mouth and plugs it into the Muppet Show section of the scoreboard.)

    DIGIT: Well Lewis. Thanks to that win from Kermit. It looks like all 4 teams are tied with one point each! Back to you, Lewis!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Digit! Well, with all 4 teams tied for first place. It looks like this could be anyone’s game! We’ll find out what happens in Day 6 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger!

    NEWSMAN(covered in a mountain of tissue and speaking in a nasally voice): And dis is de Noosman signin’ off!

    LEWIS: Now do you feel silly for not buying your nasal spray?!

    NEWSMAN: Dot weally! Maybe I cad make a new coat with all dis tissoo! I could start up de next style!

    A DISGUSTED LEWIS! Shut off the camera before Old Navy catches this!

    (Camera goes off.)
  17. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <laughs hysterically> ...Old Navy... <laughs hysterically>

    But I must applaud this chapter! The Doc Hopper aspect is BRILLIANT! Oh, man, I just wanna... oh, you don't want to know what I want to do to Doc Hopper! <remembers Doc Hopper dying in recent fanfic...> <ahem> I mean, when I read that it was sponsored by Doc Hopper, I just... my jaw dropped, and my eyes went all bulgy, and it was like <bang> right in my weak spot! And poor Kermit! And then Robin's pep talk, and poor little Robin trying to carry that whole huge pole by himself... OH, and I love Cookie Monster eating the pole! And Clifford- "Is that his first name, The?" And "You wouldn't be related to Beaker or the Swedish Chef, would you?" And.. and... and other stuff that I'm not thinking of! FANTABULOUS CHAPTER! <standing ovation>
  18. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yo, yo, yo... This chapter be da' bomb.

    Oh great, now you've got me talking like Erwin from Grim Adventures.

    When I went through the bit with Doc Hopper's sponsorship, I started to laugh thinking you were lampooning the McDonald's sponsorship of athletic competitions.
    With the whole game card thing...

    Cookie Monster chomping down his pole vaulting pole was good.
    And nice nod to the classic sketch with Count sneezing his way back to the lead in the bike race.

    One thing though... Shouldn't it be "winning" spirit?
    And unless you specify the heights of Kermit's continued hops, I'm afraid that people might think he didn't rully win the event.
    I'll explain: His first jump over the crossbar onto the mat was 16 feet high, and then his next jump was back over the bar at 17 feet. That'd get him a net jump of -1 foot high, worse than Cookie Monster's jump. And Kermit's total would only oscillate between positive and negative totals, unless you build it to be higher than 12 feet high when he finished jumping or hopping over the crossbar.
    Sorry to point this out, but my namesake often says... "I love math too!"
  19. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Well-Known Member

    I haven't read the latest chapter yet, but I thought I'd give my opinion to Day 4:

    The only problem I had with the fanfic so far was Bert in a Speedo. Sure, I thought it was funny, but I just can't imagine a Sesame character doing that.

    But I liked the "puberty" joke, so it kind of evens out. :)
  20. G-MAN

    G-MAN Well-Known Member

    Oh man, this story is hilarious, some of the Newsman and Beaker moments were so hilarious I loved how you threw in Gorgon Heap and Digit, two of my favorite obscure characters. Tell me though, will you be including some character from the 50's to the 60's like from the early Muppet specials, that would be funny.

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