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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xerus, Jul 13, 2005.

  1. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    The speedo thing was fine for Sesame Street. Its just a type of bathing suit so there is nothing wring with it. Little boys wear them a lot. I know I had one when i took swimming lessons when i was 3 or 4. I remember being totally embarassed wearing it because i felt like i was in my underwear. So I can relate to Bert's embarassment. :(
  2. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the comments, Count.

    And you're right. I did write wining instead of winning by mistake. I guess I missed that. I'll have to go back to my original draft and fix that. And I didn't know he could get negative points by jumping back over the bar. I think I messed up there.
  3. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    I haven't thought about doing that. I just cram whatever Muppets I can think of in my fanfic. Thanks for your compliments. :)
  4. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    XERUS'S NOTE: After Count had informed me about some errors I just made. I went back and fixed a couple of things in Day 5. It's still the same exact story. Only the part in Kermit's jump had been changed. Thank you Count for pointing all this out to me.

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 5 (REVISED)

    (We see Lewis Kazagger and the Newsman in the announcer box.)

    LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 5 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.

    NEWSMAN: And I’m the guy with the nose for news, Newsman. Uh oh! I think I feel a sniffle coming on! (He starts to blow his nose.)

    LEWIS: Must you do that on live TV, Newsie?! Where’s your spray?

    NEWSMAN: Do you know how expensive the pharmacy is?! I needed the money to buy this new gold sports casting jacket! The last one I bought went out of style since yesterday! And rumor has it that this jacket will go out of style in a few minutes! Which is why I need to start saving!

    LEWIS(sighing): Well sports fans. If you tuned in to our last few days, you’ll know that the Fraggle, Big Blue House, and Sesame Street teams are now tied with one point each. While the Muppet Show team is the only one in last place with a big zilcho.

    NEWSMAN: Zilcho? I hope that’s not contagious.

    LEWIS: Just keep blowing your nose. Anyway, let’s get an update about the cross country bicycle race from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Telly in reporting from the branches of a tall tree.)

    * * * * * *

    TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, giving you an update on the bike race. Our bikers have just left the city and are pedaling through the country with the Count leading, Beaker in second, Doc Hog in third, and Traveling Matt bringing up the rear. And what a nice day to be riding through the country too! Jut look at that beautiful field of flowers.

    COUNT: What lovely flowers! There’s nothing like stopping to count the flowers!

    (Count pulls over to the flower field while the others pass him.)

    COUNT: One flower, two flowers, three flowers, four fancy frilly flowers….

    TELLY: I don’t believe this! Just a second ago, The Count was holding the lead, now he’s in last place counting the flowers?!

    COUNT: 15 daffodils, 12 bluebells, 10 roses, and 25 daisies! HA HA HA! I can just count these flowers all day! HA HA HA AAH AAAAH! Oh no, I forgot! Flowers make me sneeze! AAAAAH! Especially a whole field of them! AAAAH! CHOOOO!

    (The powerful sneeze causes Count to zoom backwards on his bike catching up with the other bikers.)

    COUNT: Wow! Who would’ve thought an allergy would end up helping out an athlete?! This is Telly, your Monster of the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    TELLY: Thank you again Telly for another exciting bike update. Now, we’ll see if the Muppet Show team can catch up in today’s event. And reporting live at the scene is the former host of the former show, Muppets Tonight, Clifford.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    Thanks Lew. Yo yo yo, everyone! This is Clifford, reporting live from the pole vaulting event. In about a few minutes, our athletes will show off their jumping skills and try to reach new heights to win. And speaking of jumping, there’s the Team Captain of the Muppet Show, Kermit the Frog, in his dugout.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Kermit in the dugout, polishing up a huge metal pole.)

    GONZO: Hey, Kermit. That’s a really fancy pole you got there.

    KERMIT: Thank’s Gonzo. This was the same pole I used when I was a track star back in swamp school.

    FOZZIE: Wow, Kermit. I didn’t know you were an athletic star back then!

    KERMIT: Of course, you didn’t think I had a stunt double doing all my stunts when we did all those movies, did you?

    FOZZIE: Oh yeah, (Flashing back to the fight in the El Sleazo Café when filming The Muppet Movie.) No wonder why I was in so much pain after that shooting. I didn’t have a stunt double either!

    GONZO: Stunt doubles are for lazy slackers! A true actor does his own stunts and takes the pain along with it.

    (Robin hops over to Kermit carrying a water bottle)

    ROBIN: Here you go, Uncle Kermit. Some water for you!

    KERMIT: Oh, thank you Robin. You’re a good water-frog.

    (Kermit takes a sip of the bottle and smiles.)

    KERMIT: Hey, algae water mixed with dragonfly wings! Just like back home.)

    ROBIN: I thought you’d like that. Everyone back home in the swamp is watching you on TV. They’re counting on you to win the pole vault in the name of frog-dom.

    KERMIT: Don’t worry, Robin. I plan to win this event. And nothing will stop me from doing my best!

    (Just then, the big screen TV on the top of the announcer booth turns on and we see the Newsman.)

    NEWSMAN: Just a reminder to all of you that one of the sponsors of this great sports show is Doc Hopper’s French Fried Frog Legs.


    FOZZIE: I thought we heard the last of him!

    NEWSMAN: That’s right. If you want to enjoy some golden spicy frog legs with a green shake and tater tadpoles, hop on down to Doc Hopper’s.


    NEWSMAN: And don’t forget about the contest Doc Hopper’s is holding. Whenever you buy a food item, you’ll receive a game card. Rub off the coating and you’ll find the name of a team and an event. And if the team on your card wins that event, you’ll win a free jumbo bucket of delicious frog legs!


    (Just then, Kermit hears a voice in the bottom row of the crowd. He looks up and sees an orange colored guy holding a card.)

    ORANGE GUY: Hey, it says here if The Muppet Show team wins the pole vault, I’ll win me some free frog legs!

    KERMIT: That’s my event! If I win, that guy will get free frog legs because of me! This is horrible!

    PIGGY: Kermie, are you okay?

    KERMIT: I don’t think I’ll ever be if I win!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: And now here’s our first jumper! Playing for the Fraggle team is Lou Fraggle.

    (A girl Fraggle with purple pigtails comes up to the field holding a pole, while all the Fraggles in their dugout start to cheer.)

    WEMBLEY: Yay, Lou! You can do it, Lou!

    (Lou starts to run then vaults over the crossbar and lands on a soft blue mattress.)

    CLIFFORD: Pretty good! The judges informed me Lou has jumped eight feet.

    (The Fraggle team starts to cheer for Lou, especially Wembley with huge red hearts in his eyes.)


    GOBO: Wembley, I know you like Lou a lot, but take those stickers off your eyeballs. It’s not healthy for you eyesight.

    WEMBLEY: Oh, okay! (Wembley peels off the heart stickers from his eyes and starts to rub them.) I’ve never noticed this before, but my eyeballs feel like ping-pong balls.

    * * * * * *

    (Back at The Muppet Show dugout)

    FOZZIE: Wow, that Fraggle can jump pretty good.

    PIGGY: But not as good as Kermie, I bet.

    A WORRIED KERMIT: I wish Piggy wouldn’t encourage me to win. I sure hope the other jumpers will be a lot better than me so that guy won’t be eating frog legs tonight!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Now vaulting for the Big Blue House team is Treelo the Lemur. Lemur’s are from Madagascar in case any of you are interested.

    (Treelo grabs the pole with his tail and starts to bounce around like a ball. Then he rushes over to the crossbar, sticks the pole into the hole, but instead of jumping, he climbs on top of it and starts swinging around on it.)


    CLIFFORD: What’s that crazy monkey boy doing?! He’s isn’t jumping, he’s just swinging around on it. Now he’s jumping up and down on it like a pogo-stick! Where does he think he’s at, a French Canadian circus?

    * * * * * *

    (In the Big Blue House dugout)

    TUTTER: What’s Treelo doing? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to jump over that bar?

    BEAR: You know Treelo. He likes to have wild and harmless fun whatever he does.

    PIP: It’s not harmless if he loses us this event!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: This is totally warped, man! All that Treelo seems to be doing is bouncing on that pole and he seems to be going higher and higher. Now, he’s letting go of the pole, leaping over the bar, and landing on the mattress!

    TREELO: Ta da!

    CLIFFORD(touching his earpiece): Hold it, our judges just informed me that Treelo has jumped 12 feet. Putting the Big Blue House team ahead of the Fraggle team!

    (The Big Blue House team starts to cheer.)

    CLIFFORD: Yo, Treelo. That was some extreme athletics you just pulled. Can you tell your fans your motivation for all that?

    TREELO: Waga yaga weebee oogoo walla walla, Go Team!

    CLIFFORD: Strong words. Strong, untranslatable, nonsense words! Tell me, you wouldn’t be related to either Beaker or the Swedish Chef, would you?

    * * * * * *

    GONZO: Those were pretty cool moves that lemur has! I wonder if he likes getting shot out of a cannon?

    PIGGY: That’s nothing! My frog will vault higher than all those amateurs put together!

    A DEPRESSED KERMIT: I’m sorry, everyone. I just can’t jump!


    PIGGY: Kermie, you’re giving up?!

    FOZZIE: But Kermit. You have to jump and win this event! So far, we’re the only team that hasn’t scored yet!

    KERMIT: And it’s probably a good thing that we don’t! So far, no one has won any free frog legs because of us! See ya’ around! (Kermit leaves the gang and heads for the locker room.)

    PIGGY: Kermie?!!

    FOZZIE: That’s right. If we win any events, Kermit’s frog friends will pay.

    GONZO: How much money do frogs carry?

    EVERYONE: GONZO!!! (Gonzo ducks his head down his sweatshirt in embarrassment.)

    ROBIN: I’ll go talk to him. (Robin hops into the locker room after his uncle while the others watch with worried faces.)

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Now jumping for the Sesame team is The Cookie Monster. Is that his first name, The?

    (We see Cookie Monster holding a long pole while Bert is next to him.)

    COOKIE: Oh, me want cookie now! Me hungry for cookie!

    BERT: No, Cookie. First you jump and then you can have a cookie. It’s not a good idea for athletes to eat sweets before an event.

    COOKIE: Oh, all right! Me wonder if Bruce Jenner had to deal with stuff like this!

    (Cookie starts to run up to the crossbar while holding his pole.)

    COOKIE: Me sure want cookie! No wait. Me get mind on something else. Like the pole vault. Yes, this shiny pole. It looks so long and crunchy like peppermint stick! Mmmmm! Delicious, minty, peppermint stick!

    (Without thinking, Cookie continues running while chomping on the pole making it smaller.)

    CLIFFORD: Wait a minute! The Cookie Monster’s pole seems to be getting smaller. He seems to be eating it! I’ve heard of eating Polish food, but this is ridiculous!

    * * * * * *

    BERT: What’s he doing?! He’s making his pole smaller!

    ERNIE: I told you we should’ve let him have his cookie before the jump!

    * * * * * *

    (Cookie was about to plant his pole into the hole, but then discovered he had eaten it into a small 5 inch pole.)

    COOKIE: Uh oh! Me lost control again! Oh well. Me make the best of cute little economy sized pole.

    (Cookie places the tiny pole into the hole and just plops onto the mattress like it was a bed.)

    CLIFFORD: How disappointing! Cookie has only jumped 1 foot from the ground and onto the mattress. The poor monster must be devastated!

    (Instead, we see Cookie Monster sleeping on the mattress snoring, “COOKIES!”)

    * * * * * *

    (In the Muppet Show locker room, we see a sad Kermit opening up his locker and stuffing a bunch of his green spiky collars into his duffle bag.)

    KERMIT: I wish there was some other way!

    ROBIN(rushing in): There is another way! You can jump and at least try to win for your team and your friends and for your fans!

    KERMIT: But Robin, didn’t you see those Doc Hopper ads earlier? If I win the pole vault, some of our relatives will lose their legs!

    ROBIN: Our team isn’t the only name on those game cards! If the other teams win these events, people win free frog legs either way!

    KERMIT: Yes, that’s right! I can’t believe we agreed to do all of this without learning about Doc Hopper!

    ROBIN: Look Uncle Kermit. Our friends and family back home are counting on you to try your best! They know how much you despise Doc Hopper. We all do! But if you just give up now, that awful Doc Hopper Corporation will win and we frogs will look like total losers!

    KERMIT: We will?!

    ROBIN: Yeah, you know. I bet old Doc Hopper started up this contest just to get revenge on you! Thinking all this will force you to look like a quitter to the entire world. And so he won’t have to give out any free frog legs if the Muppet Show team loses.

    KERMIT: Gee! I never thought about it that way, but still….

    (Robin picks up Kermit’s pole)

    ROBIN: If you’re not gonna compete, then I will!

    (Kermit watches as the tiny frog tries to lug the heavy pole out of the locker room.)

    ROBIN: Gotta win for Uncle Kermit and for our family back home! Boy, this pole is heavy!

    (Robin then feels the pole get yanked away from him. He looks up and sees Kermit holding the pole with a determined look on his face.)

    KERMIT: Thank you, Robin! You’ve given me the courage to go through with this.

    (He pats his nephew’s head and rushes out the door.)

    ROBIN(with a tear in his eye): That’s my Uncle Kermit.

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: For some reason, Kermit, who’s supposed to be jumping for the Muppet Show team, hasn’t shown up yet! If he doesn’t get his little green butt out here, the Muppet show team will forfeit!

    * * * * * *

    FOZZIE: So much for having our faces posted on cereal boxes!

    GONZO: I can’t even get my whole face on one! (Gonzo looks at a box of Wheaties with a picture of him on it with his nose cut off at the side.)

    PIGGY: Look, it’s Kermie! (The Muppets watch and see Kermit marching out the dugout while holding his pole in silence.)

    FOZZIE: He’s going to jump!

    PIGGY: I knew my frog was no chicken!

    GONZO: And what’s wrong with chickens!

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: Look, there’s Kermit now! And it looks like he’s running, no, make that hopping at lightning speed! Whoa! Look at those frog legs go!

    KERMIT: There’s no way these frog legs will get into the greasy hands of Doc Hopper!

    (Kermit plants his pole and makes the biggest jump of all!)

    CLIFFORD! Whoa! Whoa! It looks like Kermit has jumped a really high 16 feet! Man, I haven’t seen this much bouncing since I cashed in all my paychecks from my first job! I can definitely say that Kermit the Frog is the winner!

    * * * * * *

    (The Muppet Show team cheers while jumping up and down!)

    PIGGY: Oh, I am so proud of moi’s frog!

    ROBIN: Way to go, Uncle Kermit!

    * * * * * *

    (Clifford rushes over the panting frog.)

    CLIFFORD: Yo, Kerm! That was some wild jumping act you just pulled out there! Tell us! What was your motivation to win?”

    KERMIT: Well Clifford, to tell you the truth, at first I almost thought about forfeiting for personal reasons, but then after a strong pep talk from my loving nephew, Robin. It gave me the courage to jump and win for him, my team, and for all my friends and family!

    (Kermit then looks over to the same orange guy holding the winning card.)

    KERMIT: Excuse me for a minute, please! (He leaves Clifford and hops up to the guy.)

    ORANGE GUY: Hey, Kermit! That was an awesome jump you just made! Congrats!

    KERMIT: Thanks. I just hope you realize what I let you win and what the consequences will be for some certain amphibians.

    ORANGE GUY(looking at his card): You mean this? Oh no. I don’t want to eat any frog legs. I’m a vegetarian.


    ORANGE GUY: Yes, I only found this card under my seat and I was curious to know which team was on it and what event. I have no intention of cashing this in. You can have it if you’d like. (He hands the card to Kermit.)

    KERMIT: Thank you, you’re a saint! (Kermit takes out a photo of himself, writes his autograph on it, and hands it to the guy. Then hops back down into his dugout.)

    ROBIN: Hey, congratulations Uncle Kermit. You did it!

    KERMIT: All thanks to you, Robin. I won and no relatives of ours will have to pay with their legs, for now. (Kermit looks at the winning card and tears it up.)

    FOZZIE: But what if we win other events?

    (But before Kermit could answer, the Newsman comes back onto the big screen.)

    NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! It was just reported that a health inspector discovered some disturbing scenes in a local Doc Hopper’s restaurant! It turns out the corporation had not only been cooking up frog legs, but have also been using other animal parts disguised as frog legs. Mainly the six legged kind! Because of this, the board of health has shut down all Doc Hopper’s restaurants everywhere and all those game cards have become null and void!

    KERMIT: YAHOOOO! Did you hear that everyone?! No more Doc Hopper and no more French Fried Frog Legs! Now I got my winning spirit back for good! How about all of you?!


    * * * * * *

    (We see Waldorf and Statler holding a bunch of game cards with disappointed looks.)

    STATLER: Oh great! These Doc Hopper cards have now become useless! What’ll we do with them now?

    WALDORF: Have a paper cut fight?

    STATLER: Sounds fun! (And the two old men start to have a sword fight with their cards while laughing out loud.)

    * * * * * *

    CLIFFORD: And there you have it. The pole vault with The Muppet Show team bringing home the win. This is Clifford bringing you back to my man, Lewis!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Clifford. Yes, we’ve seen yet another spectacular sport. Digit, what’s the scoring now?

    * * * * * *

    (We see Digit eating a plate of spaghetti, but then accidentally eating one of his own cords causing him to short circuit!)

    DIGIT: Oops! (He takes the cord from his mouth and plugs it into the Muppet Show section of the scoreboard.)

    DIGIT: Well Lewis. Thanks to that win from Kermit. It looks like all 4 teams are tied with one point each! Back to you, Lewis!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Digit! Well, with all 4 teams tied for first place. It looks like this could be anyone’s game! We’ll find out what happens in Day 6 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger!

    NEWSMAN(covered in a mountain of tissue and speaking in a nasally voice): And dis is de Noosman signin’ off!

    LEWIS: Now do you feel silly for not buying your nasal spray?!

    NEWSMAN: Dot weally! Maybe I cad make a new coat with all dis tissoo! I could start up de next style!

    A DISGUSTED LEWIS! Shut off the camera before Old Navy catches this!

    (Camera goes off.)
  5. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    You know what, I'm glad you posted it a second time, because now I remember something else I wanted to mention! GONZO'S CHICKEN LINE! It's awesome! And everyone yelling at Gonzo with his "How much money do frogs carry?" Ok, I feel much better now that I've said that. Carry on with the story, please.
  6. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Well-Known Member

    Then I guess I can say that I have no problems with it anymore.

    On with day 6! :)
  7. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 6

    LEWIS: Welcome back to Day 6 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.

    NEWSMAN: And I’m the man with the news! Tell me, Lewis. Does this crowd today seem all pumped up with excitement?

    (We see some people in the crowd pumping on tire pumps blowing up some of the other people in the crowd.)

    LEWIS: All of this excitement is because of the cheerleading squads each team has. Let’s listen to the Muppet Show cheerleading squad.

    * * * * * *

    (We see a bunch of penguins in cheerleading outfits holding pom-poms, shouting out this cheer.)

    PENGUINS: TMS, TMS, We’re the best, TMS, GOOOO CLASSICS!!!
    (The penguins start jumping up and down while throwing each other in the air.)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Just what is the Muppet Show’s obsession with penguins?! They seem to be everywhere! It’s getting pretty tiresome!

    (When Lewis wasn’t looking, a penguin sneaks up from under the desk and snatches Lewis’s sandwich.)

    LEWIS: Hey, where’s my tuna fish sandwich?

    * * * * * *

    (Next, we see the Sesame girls, Zoe, Rosita, and Betty Lou, dressed in cheerleading uniforms and pom-poms cheering out for the Sesame team.)

    GIRLS: Winning ways, playing hard ev’ry day! Gotta say, we really come to play! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street!

    1-2-3, rolling to vic-to-ry! Come and see, our guys just can’t be beat! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street!

    (The Sesame team starts to cheer along with the cheerleaders.)

    * * * * * *

    (Next, we see six cute little girl mice calling out their Big Blue House cheer.)

    MICE: GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! We’re all cheering with a grin, so our favorite team… will WIN!!! YAY!!!

    (The six mice get together and form a cute little pyramid.)

    * * * * * *

    STATLER: What a disappointment. I was hoping we’d see some hot looking twenty-something cheerleader babes in skimpy outfits.

    WALDORF: Remember, we’re married men. Let’s imagine our wives in skimpy cheerleading outfits.

    (The two old men do that and then start frowning.)


    STALTER: I’ll say! I’ve had three wives in my lifetime! Triple torture!!!

    * * * * * *

    (Finally, we see three Fraggle girls getting ready to do their cheer.)

    FRAGGLES: Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Dance your peers away! Let them win another daa-aay! Let the Fraggle’s win! Get down, the Fraggles Rock!

    FIRST FRAGGLE: Wait a minute, something’s not right.

    SECOND FRAGGLE: It’s Frieda. She doesn’t have any pom-poms!

    FRIEDA FRAGGLE: Oops! Wait there’s some over there!

    (Frieda spies two orange pom-poms sticking out of the dugout and rushes over to grab them.)


    FRIEDA BLUSHING: Oops again! Sorry about that, Red.

    (Red just looks at Frieda with an annoyed face.)

    RED: You can let go of my pigtails at any time, now!

    * * * * * *

    NEWSMAN: Aren’t they fabulous, folks? What do you think of those cheerleaders, Lewis?

    LEWIS: Sorry, I was too busy looking for my tuna fish sandwich. Did you eat it?

    NEWSMAN: Of course not, I brought my own today.

    (Newsman looks at his plate and finds his sandwich gone as well.)

    NEWSMAN: Hey, my sandwich is gone too! And it was a chili pepper and Tabasco sauce sandwich!

    (Just then, the same penguin pops out from under the desk and smoke starts to blow out of his ears and fire comes out of his beak. Then the penguin starts to blast off like a rocket making a hole in the roof and blasting off into the sky.)

    NEWSMAN: I guess those chili peppers really packed some fire power.

    LEWIS: Where do you suppose that penguin will land?

    NEWSMAN: I’d say back at the South Pole where he’ll never eat any more hot food ever again.

    LEWIS: Well, back to the competition. Here comes today’s exciting event. Reporting live is our youngest reporter who is still in grade school, Prairie Dawn.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    (We see Prairie Dawn standing right next to the entrance of a gray colored maze.)

    PRAIRIE: Hello everybody. This is Prairie Dawn, bringing you the next event, a race through this very complicated and perplexing maze where our smaller athletes will be competing. All my life, I have always had this problem being vertically challenged. And I can relate to small people who aren’t big enough to play sports like football or basketball. So I am happy that they have created a sport that is perfect for the little people. And here come our tiny troopers now.

    (Four small Muppets approach the maze’s entrance.)

    PRAIRIE: Competing for the Muppet Show team is Rizzo the Rat, Cotterpin Doozer for the Fraggle team, Tutter the Mouse for the Big Blue House team, and Slimey the Worm for the Sesame Street team. If you kept up with the Sesame News, you will know that Slimey is an all around worm athlete, where he competed in both the Worm Winter and Summer Olympic games. Also this amazing worm actually went to the moon and made worm history. Now we get to see this worm wonder compete in the Muppet Maze Race!

    OSCAR’S VOICE: Hold on a garbage picking minute here!

    PRAIRIE: Look, here comes Oscar the Grouch, Slimey’s coach and guardian.

    OSCAR: Listen up, Blondie! There’s some stuff I want to talk to you about before my worm races. (He hands some papers to Prairie.)

    PRAIRIE: What is all of this?

    OSCAR: Just some insurance policies you need to sign, saying that you’ll take full responsibility if my poor Slimey happens to get lost or injured during this event.

    PRAIRIE: I cannot sign this! I am just a reporter! You should really be talking to the people in charge of this event!

    OSCAR: I tried doing that, but they’re too snooty to talk to a grouch. So I’m coming to you. Either you sign this or Slimey doesn’t race!

    PRAIRIE: Oh, all right! Anything to get this race started! (Prairie signs the papers.)

    OSCAR: That’s better. Good luck, Slimey! (Slimey nods his head.)

    REFEREE: On your mark, get set, BANG! (The four Muppets charge into the maze.)

    PRAIRIE: And they are off! (Prairie runs over to the other side of the maze where a computer monitor resides.) We will be checking their progress on this monitor right here.

    (We see a computerized maze with four dots moving around it.)

    PRAIRIE: The brown dot represents Rizzo, the green dot is Cotterpin, the blue dot is Tutter, and the orange dot is Slimey. Who will be the first to come out of this perplexing maze filled with twists and turns?

    OSCAR: My Slimey, no doubt!

    * * * * * *

    (We see Rizzo wandering around the maze all by himself)

    RIZZO: Oh man, I never thought I’d be back in one of these evil things. It was bad enough in that science lab, AKA: prison! But luckily, I have a strategy.

    (Rizzo takes out a bag of marshmallows, eats one, and then drops each one behind him.)

    RIZZO: This marshmallow path I’m leaving behind will make it a lot easier to help me get out of this maze. Candyland, eat your heart out! (And he continues walking while dropping more marshmallows behind him. Just then, Slimey appears from a corner.)

    SLIMEY(in a squeaky voice): YAY! MARSHMALLOWS! (Slimey starts swallowing each marshmallow whole while moving on.

    * * * * * *

    (Elsewhere in the maze, we see Cotterpin trying to find her way around.)

    COTTERPIN: Gee, this place is huge and complex. I’ll bet my Doozer friends would love to build a place like this. Yeah, that’s a good idea!

    (Cotterpin takes out a blueprint and starts scribbling on it while walking.)

    * * * * * *

    (We see Tutter wandering around the maze looking very nervous.)

    TUTTER: Oh, why did I volunteer for this event?! This maze is so big and scary! I think I might even get lost forever! OH, HOW HORRIBLE! No wait! Get a hold of yourself, Tutter. Remember what Bear told me earlier…

    (A flashback happens and we see Bear giving Tutter a pep talk in the locker room.)

    TUTTER: Gee, Bear. I’m so nervous about this maze race. What if I don’t win, and most important, what if I get lost forever?! I might never see you or my friends again!

    BEAR: Relax, Tutter. You won’t get lost. And if you do, the groundskeepers of this stadium will come in and help you get out that maze.

    TUTTER: Are you sure, Bear?

    BEAR: If you’d like, you don’t have to enter this event. Maybe either Ojo, or Pip, or somebody else on our team can fill in for you.

    TUTTER: No, Bear. I really want to do this! This event is perfect for my size. Only I can fit in that maze.

    BEAR: Okay, Tutter, if you’re really sure about this.

    TUTTER: I am. I just hope I don’t lose and let everyone down.

    BEAR: Listen Tutter. We all love you and will be proud of you even if you don’t win, just as long as you try your best. And remember, sometimes you don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner.

    TUTTER: What do you mean?

    BEAR: You’ll see what I mean one of these days. But hey, maybe this’ll make you calmer during your race. (Bear hands Tutter a small bag.)

    (Flashback Ends)

    TUTTER: Oh yeah, Bear’s bag! (Tutter reaches into the tiny bag and pulls out another bag.)

    TUTTER: Wow, cheese flavored potato chips! Bear knows how much I love these. This should make my maze race a much more happy one. Thanks Bear!

    (Tutter opens the bag, munches on a chip, and continues through the maze.)

    * * * * * *

    PRAIRIE(looking at the monitor): Just look at our athletes make their way through the maze. Oh look, it looks like Rizzo has reached another dead end. He may have to turn back once more.

    * * * * * *

    RIZZO: Oh, great! Another dead end! Oh well. Back to the marshmallow path I created. Hey, where are my mallows?! (Rizzo finds all the marshmallows gone.)

    * * * * * *

    (In another part of the maze, we see Slimey swallowing the last marshmallow while his skinny body starts to puff up.)

    * * * * * *

    RIZZO: So much for my marshmallow plan. Now, how am I gonna get out of this tangled Great Wall?!

    (Just then, a trap door opens up next to Rizzo and he sees another rat.)

    RIZZO: Bubba, is that you?

    BUBBA: Hey, Riz. How’s it hanging?

    RIZZO: I’d rather not be hanging around this place. How’d you get in here?

    BUBBA: Me and the other rats heard you got stuck in a maze. So we all dug you a tunnel so you can get out of here.

    RIZZO: You mean I can leave this maze right away and get my victory?! I’ll do it! Wait a minute. I remember what Kermit told all of us.

    (Rizzo sees a thought bubble with Kermit’s face in it.)

    KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheaters never win!

    RIZZO: That’s right! Leaving the maze like this would be cheating! But wait. What if I suddenly misheard him? (He looks back at the thought bubble once again.)

    KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheetahs never win!

    RIZZO(pretending to confused): Now why would a cheetah never win? They’re supposed to be the world’s fastest runners. And do I even look like a cheetah? Am I a cat? Do I have spots?

    BUBBA: Uh, Riz? What are you talking about?

    RIZZO: Aw, never mind. Show me the way to freedom, will ya’, old pal?

    BUBBA: Right this way! (Rizzo climbs down into the tunnel as he and Bubba close the trap door.)

    KERMIT IN THE THOUGHT BUBBLE: Lucky for him I’m only a thought in a bubble. Otherwise the real Kermit would probably kick his tiny butt!

    * * * * * *

    PRAIRIE: Oh dear! It looks like Rizzo’s blip on the monitor has gone out for some reason. Could he have left the maze? No, that is impossible! He has not even set foot out of the exit. Maybe the monitor has a glitch. Oh well. So far, it looks like Slimey is on his way to the exit. He might be the one who will win this maze race!

    OSCAR: That’s my worm!

    PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It looks like Slimey has stopped.

    OSCAR: You’re kidding!

    PRAIRIE: I am afraid not, Oscar. Slimey’s blip seems to have stopped right here and it still isn’t moving.

    OSCAR: Maybe he’s just tying his shoes. I wouldn’t want my worm to trip on his own shoelaces.

    PRAIRIE: But worms do not have shoes or even feet!

    * * * * * *

    (We see Slimey stuck in the maze, all puffed up like a sausage. He was wriggling and trying to squeeze free with no luck.)

    * * * * * *

    (Prairie and Oscar both look at the monitor and saw that the orange blip was still not moving.)

    PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It appears that Slimey’s blip seems to be struggling.

    OSCAR: Struggling?!

    PRAIRIE: Yes, Slimey seems to be stuck somehow.

    OSCAR: Oh, my poor worm! Somebody go in there and save him! I’m warning you, Dawn! If anything happens to Slimey, you’re gonna pay for his medical bills!

    PRAIRIE: Why me?!!

    OSCAR: Because you signed these papers!

    PRAIRIE(reading the insurance papers): You expect me to pay this much?! That’s my whole year’s allowance!

    * * * * * *

    (Back in the maze, we see Tutter still wandering the maze while finishing his last cheese flavored chip.)

    TUTTER: Yes, I feel a lot better now. That snack sure helped.

    (Just then, Tutter heard a squeaky cry, “HELP ME!”)

    A NERVOUS TUTTER: Who-oooo’s there? (Tutter turns a corner and sees a puffed up Slimey stuck in the maze.) You’re Slimey, aren’t you? What happened to you?!


    TUTTER: You say you ate all these marshmallows and they all puffed up in your stomach causing you to expand and now you’re stuck in the maze?!

    (Slimey nods in sadness.)

    TUTTER: Don’t worry, Slimey. I’ll help you! (Tutter tries to push Slimey out, but he wouldn’t budge.)

    TUTTER: Maybe if you were greased up, it’d be easier to push you.

    (Tutter then looks at his empty potato chip bag, rubs the grease out of it, and spreads it all over Slimey.)

    TUTTER: Okay, Slimey. Now suck it in and I’ll push. One, two, THREE! Yes, it’s working! (Tutter continues to push the greased up Slimey forward into the maze.)

    * * * * * *

    PRAIRIE: Look, it seems like Slimey is moving again, but very slowly. And it looks like Tutter is right behind him too.

    OSCAR: Yay, Slimey! I knew nothing can hold you back. Hurry up and beat that little rodent!

    * * * * * *

    TUTTER: Just one more push and you should be out of here!

    (Tutter backs up, charges, and crashes into Slimey causing the worm to get shot out of the maze exit like a torpedo. Slimey ends up landing next to Oscar’s feet.)

    A HAPPY OSCAR(picking up Slimey): Slimey, you made it out! And in first place too! Oh, I am so proud of you! Say, have you gained weight since I last saw you? (Slimey only replies with a cute little burp.)

    (The Sesame team starts to cheer from their dugout while the SS cheerleaders start cheering.)

    PRAIRIE: Yes, it seems like Slimey was the first racer to come out of the maze, making him the winner of this event. And look, here comes Tutter coming out next, putting him in second place.

    (A tired Tutter looks over at Oscar holding the happy worm.)

    TUTTER: Wow, Bear was right. I don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner. I helped out Slimey and it feels great!

    (Prairie approaches Slimey.)

    PRAIRIE: Wow, Slimey. At first you seemed to have stalled when you were approaching the finish. But you darted out of there like a loose cannon. You have won the event for your team and most importantly, prevented me from having to pay any insurance. What do you have to say to all your fans?

    SLIMEY: Squeak, squeak, squeak, Tutter, squeak, squeak, squeak, Tutter, squeak, squeak, Tutter.

    PRAIRIE: Um, what did he say, Oscar?

    OSCAR: This is quite interesting. Slimey says he somehow got stuck in the maze and couldn’t get through. But Tutter came and helped him out by pushing him out of the maze and into first place. So he’s requesting that the judges award both him and Tutter first place, for he couldn’t’ve had that win without Tutter.

    PRAIRIE(checking her earphone.) Yes, the judges are allowing Slimey’s request. So it looks like the winners of the maze race are both the Sesame Street team and the Big Blue House team! Let us congratulate both winners!

    (Both teams start to cheer for Slimey and Tutter who were hugging each other while waving to the fans.)

    TUTTER: Thank you, Slimey.

    SLIMEY: No, thank you!

    (Tutter then looks over at Bear who was giving him a proud paws-up.)

    (Slimey looks over at Oscar, who ducks down in his can and comes back out with a, I HEART SLIMEY, cap and a giant beat up dirty glove pointing that says #1.)

    * * * * * *

    WALDORF: Aw, isn’t that touching. Maybe we can learn from those two if we suddenly make friends with the Muppets.

    STATLER: Are you kidding? With friends like them, we’ll make even more enemies!

    W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!

    * * * * * *

    PRAIRIE: Look everyone. Here comes the next racer out of the maze, Cotterpin Doozer.

    (Cotterpin slowly walks out of the maze still writing on her blueprint while Red approaches her.)

    RED: Sorry you didn’t win, Cotterpin. But at least you made it out of the maze. So that’s at least something you achieved.

    COTTERPIN: Oh, I achieved more than that, Red. I just had the inspiration for my newest Doozer construction.

    (Cotterpin shows Red the blueprint of the very maze she went through.)

    COTTERPIN: I was thinking, we can build it all over Fraggle Rock and make it homes to all those funny looking cave creatures that seem to pop up. We can call it something like a Labyrinth. Maybe they’ll make my idea into a movie someday.

    RED: Just as long as we Fraggles get to eat it once it’s built.

    PRAIRIE: So far, that’s three athletes who made it out of the maze. Now if only Rizzo will come out. I wonder if he’s even in the maze at all.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Rizzo and Bubba come out another trap door, somewhere.)

    RIZZO: Yay, I made it out first! I WIN! I WIN! Wait a minute I don’t hear any cheering crowds! This doesn’t look like the finish line or the stadium!

    (Rizzo looks around and finds himself in the wide open country.)

    BUBBA: Who said I was taking you to stadium?!

    RIZZO: You mean I didn’t cross the finish line and win?

    BUBBA: No, you didn’t cross the finish line. But you did win something! Turn around.

    (Rizzo turns around and finds himself on a dairy farm. And there were huge stacks of cheese with all of Rizzo’s rat friends nibbling away.)

    RIZZO: Hey, a dairy farm! This is way better than winning some dumb maze race. Let me at that mozzarella! (And he dives into a bucket of shredded cheese.)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: There you have it, sports fans. Both the Sesame and the Big Blue House teams won today’s event, Slimey for coming in first and Tutter for showing good sportsmanship, kindness, and brotherhood. Now let’s go to Digit for today’s scoring.

    * * * * * *

    (Digit opens up another slot in his chest exposing four knobs. He turns two of the knobs causing the Sesame Street and the Big Blue House sections on the scoreboard to say 2.)

    DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like both the Sesame Street and the Big Blue House teams are now leading with 2 points each while the Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock teams are tied for second at one point each. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. Before we close Day 6, let’s get an update of the cross country bike race from Telly Monster.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Telly sitting in a wagon eating some Swiss cheese.)

    TELLY: I wonder why Swiss cheese always has holes in it. Maybe each hole leads to different dimensions if you try really hard to push yourself through them. What do you think? I’ll be traveling in the air? Oh, I’m on the air. OOPS! Huh, huh! This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot, reporting live from Old MacDonald’s Dairy Farm. Any minute now, our cyclists will be passing through here on this path. And here they come now! It looks like Beaker is in the lead, with Doc Hog in second, Traveling Matt in third, and the Count in fourth.

    (We see Rizzo pushing a small wheelbarrow of cheese across the path.)

    RIZZO: This should keep me in total cheese bliss for, let’s say, about a lifetime. HA HA HA!

    (Rizzo turns around and sees the four cyclists speeding down the path.)


    (Rizzo runs away leaving the wheelbarrow behind and the cyclists end up running over the wheelbarrow smashing it and all the cheese to bits.)

    (A sad Rizzo comes back out on the path and looks at all his squashed cheese with dirty tread marks all over them.)

    RIZZO: My poor little cheeses! You’ve become street pizza! And without the crust, tomato, and pepperonis neither. That’s total injustice!

    (The thought bubble with Kermit in it reappears.)

    KERMIT: See, Rizzo. I told you cheaters never win! You had to learn the hard way!

    RIZZO: Normally, I wouldn’t slug the real Kermit since he’s my boss. But you’re only a thought bubble with a fictional frog in it. Which means….!

    KERMIT: OH NO! (Kermit watches in fear as Rizzo takes out a pin and pops the thought bubble causing it to fly around all over the place like a balloon.)


    (The thought bubble deflates and hits the camera. Telly reaches over and pulls the deflated Kermit bubble off the lens and throws it away.)

    TELLY: Pesky bugs. Anyway, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. That’s all for today, tune in next time for Day 7 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger.

    NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman, signing out.

    LEWIS: We should probably do something about that penguin shaped hole in our roof.

    NEWSMAN: Yeah, before something dangerous falls through it and lands on me as usual!

    LEWIS: Now what dangerous thing can possibly fall through a penguin shaped hole? Other than a penguin?

    (Just then, something hard falls through the penguin shaped hole and lands on the Newsman.)

    A FLATTENED NEWSMAN: Make that a 500 pound statue of a penguin!

    (A confused Lewis looks up at the hole and then down at the penguin statue crushing the poor Newsman.)

    LEWIS: Turn off the camera before more questions start getting asked!

    (Camera goes off.)

    AUTHOR’S NOTE: I want to thank my friends from the Muppet Central Forums for writing those wonderful cheers for each team. Fragglemuppet for the Muppet Show cheer, DTF for the Sesame Street cheer, BEAR for the Big Blue House cheer, and Beauregard for the Fraggle Rock cheer. You made this Muppet fanfic more fun and interesting. :)
  8. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    What a great chapter. Good way to use Prairie Dawn in there too.
  9. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Nice job as always Xerus.

    So... You awarded both Slimey and Tutter a full point huh? Thought you'd give 'em half a point, but it's your story. You had Betty Lou as one of the SS cheerleaders and it was a nice character usage... But Zoe, Rosita, and Lulu (I think the dark purple one) were a trio of cheerleaders seen on the actual show a few seasons back. Also... Will the reporters be athletes at some point? Just asking.
    Other than that, nice addition to the events.
  10. G-MAN

    G-MAN Well-Known Member

    Oh man, Rizzo's cheese getting smashed, Tutter and Slimey getting first place together, the Penguin statue, I loved all of it More more!!!!!
  11. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Loved it all! Every bit! Especially the thought buble. Very clever.
  12. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words everyone. :)

    And to answer your questions, Count. I decided to give Slimey and Tutter one full point each, for it would make the scoring easier for me to write. The Laff-A-Lympics had kind of the same system where if two opposing athletes get tied for first place, they'd both get 25 points each instead of dividing an odd number like 25.

    I don't remember too much about that cheerleading squad episode. I remember an episode where Betty Lou, Rosita, and Zoe started an all girls' clubhouse, so I decided to make them the cheerleaders.

    And all those reporters you saw won't be competing. They're just there to announce.

    And to your earlier question from my last chapter, yes, I got the free frog legs idea from McDonald's. They had a contest a while back where if the USA wins a gold medal in an Olympic event, you get free food. It was also done in a Simpsons episode where the Krustyburger had the same contest.

    Thanks again for reading and you all stay tuned for another event. :)

  13. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well... To your point about tieing winners for an event from Laff-a-Lympics, all I can say is...

    Too true, too true.

    My only concerns with the ever-expanding news team is that the athletic core that makes up each team might get depleted. But if you're in need of more characters to add to the teams... You know where to come to!
  14. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Indeed. However, I love these reporters! It's a very great way of intigrating them all.

    I fear for your big-house team, as they don't have so many people to compete, but, judging from so far, you will solve that problem with stylel and pinash.
  15. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    The Big Blue House team can reuse their players. They don't need a different player for each game if you don't want.
  16. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Well-Known Member

    Earlier I asked if you could put in Yertle (from "Wubbulous World), perhaps to con the bikers into buying things to cheat with. Since you'd rather not use a Dr. Seuss character, then how about Leon (from JHH)?
  17. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Then again, maybe Leon could host a small half-time swimsuit contest.

    Kermit: What are you doing out here Leon?
    Leon: Just warming up the crowds for you boss.
    Gonzo: How small?
    Kermit: What?
    Gonzo: Leon's swimsuit show... How small?
    Leon: Ix-nay on that.
  18. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the ideas, everyone. But I plan to have the reporters you saw earlier like Guy, Clifford, Spamela, and Prairie come back to report again since they did such a great job.

    And I have some ideas for more characters that can be on the Big Blue House team. Woodland Valley has lots of citizens that I can choose from. :)
  19. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 7

    LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans to Day 7 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger.

    (The camera turns to Newsman who appears in an undershirt and busy shaving with cream on his face.)

    NEWSMAN: And I’m your friendly, not ready to go on the air, Newsman!

    LEWIS: Newsie! That’s unprofessional for a sportscaster. Appearing on the air all unprepared!

    NEWSMAN: Hey, I overslept today! Besides, this was the first embarrassing mistake I ever made!

    LEWIS: What about that time you came on the air and forgot to put on your pants?

    A STUTTERING NEWSMAN: No one has any proof of that! My bottom half was behind the desk! I had pants on that day!

    LEWIS(taking out a newspaper): That’s not what this old issue of the Daily Scandal says. There’re even photos.

    (Newsman yanks the paper away from Lewis and sits on it.)

    NEWSMAN: Don’t we have a sporting event to get to?

    LEWIS: Oh yes. Let’s get an update from the cross country bike race from Telly Monster.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Telly Monster pop his head out of a haystack.)

    TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, hitting the hay and giving you an update about the cross country bike race. We’re still in the country and we’re waiting for our cyclists to come by on this road. Wait a minute, I see one of them. It’s Beaker! He seems to have left the other bikers behind and has taken a huge lead. Just look at him go!

    (We see Beaker riding his bike while singing, Old MacDonald, in his meep-meep language.)

    TELLY: Uh, oh. It looks like something’s coming this way. It’s a herd of cattle crossing the pathway. And here comes Beaker coming to a stop.

    (Beaker watches as all the cattle slowly walk across the path making him unable to get through.)

    BEAKER SIGHING: Mee, meep.

    TELLY: There must be over 100 bulls and cows getting in Beaker’s way. Beaker might be there for a long time!

    (Beaker takes out his cell phone and calls Bunsen.)

    BEAKER: Mee, mee, meep, moo, moo, moo, mee, mee, moo moo, meep!

    BUNSEN: Yes Beaky. I can see what you’re going through on the large screen TV above the stadium. I guess you might say you have yourself a COW-lamity or an UTTER dilemma!

    BEAKER GROANING: Mee, meep!

    BUNSEN: Sorry about that. Fozzie begged me to send you those two puns. Anyway, there’s a device on the bike that’s perfect for removing cattle traffic. Push the big red button on the front of your handlebars.

    (Beaker spies the red button and nervously pushes it. Suddenly, red paint starts to squirt all over Beaker turning him a bright red.)


    BUNSEN: Trust me, Beaker. Now watch the scientific magic happen.

    (The bulls turn their heads and look at the red Beaker and start getting angry.)

    A SCARED BEAKER: Mee, Meep!

    BUNSEN: As everyone knows, the color red makes a bull angry. And now that you’re all red, they’re going to stop the pathway blocking. See, they’re all leaving the path. Aren’t I a genius?

    (The reason all the bulls have left the pathway was because they were stampeding after the panicking red Beaker who had pedaled off the path as well.)

    BUNSEN: Oh dear. I guess to get them to leave the path was for you to leave the path as well! I should’ve looked at my calculations some more.

    (One of the bulls had butted Beaker causing him and his bike to fly into the air and land in a nice soft haystack. Beaker rose out of the haystack, took off his helmet, wiped his brow and sighed of relief. But then a cow came along and started chewing off his red hair.)

    TELLY: Poor Beaker! But at least he got the path cleared so our other cyclists can cross and here they come. Now it’s Doc Hog in the lead, with Traveling Matt in second, and The Count in third. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis and the Newsman. OWWWW!

    (Telly looks behind him and sees another cow chewing on some hay along with some purple fur, then Telly starts rubbing his sore bottom.)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. What did you think of that exciting bike riding scene, Newsie?

    NEWSMAN: In a minute, I think I got some shaven hair in my nose!

    (Newsman starts blowing his nose with a tissue, until a camera flash goes off.)

    NEWSMAN: What the….? (He turns around and finds Fleet Scribber holding a camera.)

    FLEET: Oh boy. The Daily Scandal bosses are gonna love this dirt! (He storms out of the booth.)

    NEWSMAN: Not again! Curse you, Fleet Scribbler! I’ll get you for this!

    (Newsman runs out of the booth dressed only in his undershirt and multi-colored boxers.)

    A DISGUSTED LEWIS: Why couldn’t my co-caster be a pepperoni pizza?! Anyway, on to today’s event! And because you all requested her back, mainly you single guys and unhappily married men, here’s Spamela Hamderson.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    (We see Spamela sitting in a deckchair next to a huge diving board near the pool.)

    SPAMELA: Welcome back all you cool and hot sports fans. This is Spamela Hamderson reporting live from the 100 meter dive where our strong and ready to get wet athletes will be showing their grace and form on the diving board. Ooooh! I can’t wait to feel that cool water splash on me!

    (Spamela gets some water splashed on her by one of the groundskeepers.)

    SPAMELA: Thank you, cutie! I was sizzling like a sausage. (She takes some money from her coat and stuffs it in the groundskeeper’s shirt.)

    GROUNDSKEEPER(looking at the bill): A ten thousand dollar bill. I was really hoping for a kiss from her. (Then he sadly walks away.)

    * * * * * *

    SPAMELA: Look, here comes our first diver now. One of the team captains of the Sesame team, Ernie!

    (Ernie walks to the diving board dressed in blue Bermuda shorts with yellow duckies. He waves to the crowd and laughs his trademark laugh.)

    BERT: How come Ernie gets to wear those shorts while I had to wear a Speedo in my event?!

    GROVER: Maybe Ernie is more modest than you?


    SPAMELA: We see Ernie climbing the ladder of the diving board, now he’s on the top, now he’s about to dive. Wait a minute. He’s stopped for some reason.

    (Ernie starts checking the pockets of his trunks and becomes very nervous.)

    ERNIE: Rubber Duckie, where are you?! OH NO!!!! (Starts climbing back down.)

    SPAMELA: Uh oh! Now Ernie’s climbing back down. Has he developed a sudden fear of heights, otherwise known as acrophobia?

    ERNIE(shouting): No, I have Duckiephobia! A fear of not having my little water buddy with me! (He runs back into the dugout.)

    BERT: Ernie, what’s the matter? You were just about to dive.

    ERNIE: It’s my Rubber Duckie, Bert! I’ve lost him!

    BERT: Don’t worry, Ernie. We’ll find him after you make your dive.

    ERNIE: Go into the water without Rubber Duckie?! Are you mad, Bert?! You know I can’t get into a bathtub or a swimming pool without my Rubber Duckie!

    BERT: Can’t you just make a fast dive and get out of the water, quickly? Spending a few seconds in the pool without your Duckie won’t kill you, will it?

    ERNIE(shaking Bert around): What are you thinking, Bert?! Haven’t you heard about the buddy system? And I need my little buddy, Rubber Duckie by my side! Oh, Rubber Duckie, why have you abandoned me during this nationwide event?!

    BERT(turns to the Sesame team): Listen up, everyone. We gotta find Ernie’s Rubber Duckie or else he won’t dive. Search this dugout and the entire locker room until you find it.

    (The Sesame team nods and they all scatter around trying to find Ernie’s Duckie.)

    ERNIE: Thank you, Bert. You’re my best friend besides my Rubber Duckie.

    BERT(blushing): Anything for you, pal. Excuse me for a minute. (Bert rushes out of the dugout and heads to the referee.)

    BERT: Excuse me, Mr. Referee. But Ernie’s having a little problem he needs to deal with before he dives. Can you please hold his dive back until he’s ready?

    REFEREE: Well, I suppose. But if he’s not ready until after the last diver dives, your team will be disqualified.

    BERT: Thanks, you won’t regret this. I hope! (Bert heads back to the dugout where everyone is still searching for Ernie’s missing duckie.)

    * * * * * *

    SPAMELA: Well, it turns out because of an unusual act of a lack of duckiness, Ernie’s dive will be held back later. So right now, we’ll go onto our next diver. And here he is, diving for the Big Blue House team is Pop the Otter. We see Pop climbing the ladder, now he’s approaching the diving board, now he’s jumping, and now he’s curling up like a fuzzy purple ball?

    (The Pop-ball continues to bounce on the board and then jumps off, only to start bouncing on the middle diving board. Each bounce causes Pop to jump higher and higher. He then starts to fly high into the air and then so high that he ends up bouncing off a passing blimp. Then Pop zooms down like a missile until he hits the pool splashing the entire crowd.)


    (The people around the witch back away and watch her melt into a puddle.)

    A GUY: Usher, clean up in the seventh row, please!

    SPAMELA: That was a truly amazing dive that cute little otter displayed! Let’s see what the judges have to say.

    (We see the TV monitor above and the number 9.5 appears on the screen.)

    SPAMELA: Wow, a 9.5! That’s gonna be tough to beat!

    POP(In the pool): Yay, I did it! OTTER POWER! OTTER POWER!

    (The Big Blue House team starts to cheer as well.)

    * * * * * *

    (Back in the Sesame locker room, we see the Sesame team searching every corner and locker for Ernie’s missing Duckie.)

    ERNIE: Oh, Rubber Duckie?! Where can you be?!

    (In comes Sherlock Hemlock.)

    SHERLOCK: Fear not, Ernie old bean! I, Sherlock Hemlock, the world’s greatest detective, will locate and find this missing Rubber Duckie of yours!

    (He takes out his magnifying glass and starts searching. The first thing he approaches was Cookie Monster.)

    SHERLOCK: Please say, AHHH, Mr. Monster.

    (Cookie opens his big mouth and Sherlock starts to look inside.)

    A HORRIFIED ERNIE: You mean Cookie Monster might’ve eaten my…..?!!

    SHERLOCK: Relax, Ernie. I see no indigestible Rubber Duckie clogging this monster’s esophagus. So he must be innocent.

    COOKIE: Thank goodness me didn’t eat Ernie’s Duckie. But me didn’t know me eat esophagus, whatever esophagus is. Is it like a Snuffle-Upagus?

    (Next, Sherlock checks Oscar’s trash can.)

    SHERLOCK: Are there any Duckies in there?

    OSCAR’S VOICE: No, but there are a lot of YUCKIES in here. Have some!

    (Sherlock gets hit in the face with some mud and starts frowning.)

    SHERLOCK: He’s innocent, but very unpleasant!

    * * * * * *

    SPAMELA: Now here comes our next diver. It’s the Fraggle team’s star athlete, Red Fraggle.

    (We see Red walk proudly to the board with a backpack on her back. Gobo follows after her.)

    GOBO: Red, are you sure you want to make this dive for us?

    RED: Of course I do. You all know very well that Red Fraggle was born to dive!

    GOBO: But we’ve all seen you dive many times. You kind of have this habit of missing the pool and landing on the side flat on your face.

    RED: Oh sure, just one or two times.

    GOBO: Make that one or two thousand!

    RED: Well, anyway. I’ve come up with a foolproof strategy in case that does happen again. (She starts patting her backpack.) Now, if you’ll excuse me…..

    (Red climbs to the top of the diving board while Gobo watches nervously.)

    SPAMELA: It looks like Red is taking her place on the board, now she’s spreading her arms apart, shaking her pigtails around. Now she’s diving! She’s doing okay so far. Wait a minute, she seems to be moving away from the pool and is about to hit the side! Uh oh! Not only will this look bad for the Fraggle team, but for poor Red’s lifespan as well!

    GOBO(shaking his head): I was afraid of this!

    RED: Oh, Fraggle of little faith! I told you I was prepared. (She starts reaching into her backpack.)

    SPAMELA: It appears Red has come up with some kind of last minute strategy. She’s taking out a bucket with a suctioned dart attached to the bottom. And she’s tossing it on the ground next to the pool. Now she’s taking out a squirt gun and filling the bucket with water. Now she’s about to dive into it. Counting down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! SPLAAASHHH!

    (We see an upside down Red with her head in the bucket of water.)

    SPAMELA: She did it! Even though she didn’t dive into the pool, it was still awesome! Let’s see what the judges say.

    (The monitor shows a 7.)

    SPAMELA: And the Fraggle team gets a 7, which puts the Big Blue House team still in first place!

    GOBO(approaching Red still in the bucket): Sorry, you didn’t win, Red. I’ll help you out of that bucket.

    RED: Don’t you dare! I never swam in a bucket of water before! It’s like my head’s wet, but the rest of me is dry! This is a whole new experience for me, WOO HOO HOO!

    (Red starts wiggling her arms and legs around while her head was still stuck in the bucket.)

    GOBO(sighing): Whatever rocks your world!

    * * * * * *

    (Back in the Sesame locker room, Sherlock is still searching for Ernie’s missing Duckie.)

    SHERLOCK: Maybe I should try listening for that squeaking sound the noble Rubber Duckie makes.

    (Just then, Sherlock hears a HONK. Sherlock rushes over and sees a dark blue Honker busy honking his trademark nose.)

    SHERLOCK: AH HA! So it’s you who has Ernie’s Rubber Duckie!

    (Honker makes a questionable honk.)

    SHERLOCK: That sound proves you must still have it on you! I cannot believe you, trying to sabotage your own team by kidnapping an innocent Rubber Duckie from Ernie!

    (Honker honks rapidly trying to tell Sherlock that he doesn’t have Ernie’s Duckie on him.)

    SHERLOCK: And I can still hear that poor Duckie crying out for help! Release him at once!

    * * * * * *

    (A sad Ernie sits on a bench while Bert and Big Bird try to comfort him.)

    ERNIE: Oh, my poor Rubber Duckie! GONE FOREVER!

    BIG BIRD: Gee, I know how you feel, Ernie. If I ever lost my teddy bear, Radar, I’d feel the same way.

    (Big Bird sits on the bench next to Ernie and a squeaking sound was heard.)

    BERT: What was that?!!

    BIG BIRD: I don’t know. Could it be a whoopee cushion? (Big Bird gets back up, looks at his seat, and finds it empty. Then he sits back down and the squeak was heard again. He gets back up and finds nothing.)

    BIG BIRD: Must be an imaginary whoopee cushion. Wait till I tell Snuffy about this!

    ERNIE: Wait a minute, Big Bird. There’s something stuck in your tail feathers. (Ernie pulls out the object from Big Bird’s tail and smiles when he sees what it is.)


    BIG BIRD: Hey, you found your Duckie! But what was he doing hiding in my tail feathers?

    (Ernie squeaks Rubber Duckie and listens.)

    ERNIE: Rubber Duckie says he got a little bit of the jitters and was worried that he might lose the diving event. (Ernie squeaks Rubber Duckie some more.) But after seeing how sad and devastated I was, he wants to go out there and try his best for both of us.

    BERT(shaking his head): I’ll never understand the chemistry between those two!

    ERNIE: This is no time for chemistry, Bert. We got a dive to perform! Come on Rubber Duckie! (Ernie rushes out of the locker room past Sherlock who was still interrogating the poor Honker.)

    SHERLOCK: Either you reveal that Rubber Duckie this instant or I’ll have all of Scotland Yard on your case!

    * * * * * *

    SPAMELA: Look, here comes Ernie making a comeback. And he’s looking more determined that ever! Now he’s climbing up the ladder while clutching onto something yellow and squeaky. Now he’s made it to the top!

    ERNIE: What do you say, Rubber Duckie, shall we do a swan dive? (Ernie starts squeaking his Duckie again.)

    ERNIE: Okay, we’ll do a Duckie dive instead. KEE HEE HEE HEE!

    SPAMELA: Ernie just jumped off the board while flapping his arms like a duck and kicking his legs like a duck. Now he’s made a splash like a duck! Ernie must be going through a ducky day to do a dive like that. And it seemed to have pleased the judges. They’re giving Ernie an 8 putting him ahead of the Fraggle team, but behind the Big Blue House team.

    (We see Rubber Duckie floating in the water while Ernie pops his head out.)

    ERNIE: That was fun, wasn’t it Rubber Duckie? Uh, Rubber Duckie, where are you?! Oh no! I lost you again!

    (Ernie gets out of the pool searching for his friend not realizing that his Rubber Duckie was sitting on his head.)

    SPAMELA: That was weird. And speaking of weird, here comes a guy who has mastered the art of weird. It’s the diver for the Muppet Show team, The Great Gonzo!

    (Gonzo comes in wearing a white robe while quiet unenthusiastic claps are heard from the crowd.)

    GONZO: Thank you, thank you my adoring fans. I, the Great Gonzo will perform the greatest and deadliest high diving act you’ve ever seen.

    KERMIT(in the dugout): Deadliest, Oh no! If I know Gonzo….!

    (Kermit hops out of the dugout and hops over to Gonzo.)

    GONZO: Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, Kermit. Hold this for me please.

    (Gonzo hands his robe to Kermit and everyone becomes shocked to see Gonzo dressed in a jumpsuit covered with multi-colored light bulbs.)

    KERMIT: Gonzo, are those electric lights you’re wearing?!

    GONZO: They certainly are. I figured I’d give the judges and the crowd a dazzling little light show while I dive. (Gonzo starts climbing the ladder.)

    KERMIT: You can’t dive into the water with electrical devices! You could get killed!

    GONZO(still climbing): Cool! I’ve always wanted to see my face in the obituary! (Kermit just shakes his head in worry.)

    SPAMELA: Is he really doing this? Is Gonzo really going to dive with all those electric light bulbs attached to his torso? Hmmm, I wouldn’t mind having a few guys over with light bulbs strapped to them. Oh wait. Concentrate on the dive, Spamela! We see Gonzo jumping on the board and now he’s diving!

    GONZO: Showtime!(As Gonzo falls, he hits a switch on his wrist and the light bulbs on his body start flashing a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Then the lights on his back start flashing the letters, G-O-N-Z-O!)

    SPAMELA: Sports fans, we’re seeing a beautiful but dangerous form of diving! Gonzo is giving us a wonderful light show, but he’s getting closer to the water, which might end his diving career, permanently!

    GONZO: Okay, that’s enough of the light show, now to turn off my lights before I hit the water. (Gonzo tries to click off the lights, but they wouldn’t go out.) Come on lights, turn off! Why won’t you turn off?! Uh oh! Here comes the water!

    KERMIT: Hop for it everyone! (Kermit, Spamela, and the referee run away from the pool as Gonzo dives in the water causing bolts of electricity to jump out of the pool.)

    GONZO: WOO HAA HAA HAA! (Gonzo cries out in pain as lots of steam gushes out of the pool and colorful electric sparks were performing in the steam.)

    WALDORF: Have you ever seen such a spectacular sight in your life?

    STATLER: That’s nothing. The most spectacular sight I’ve ever seen in my life was my first wife’s divorce papers!


    (Once the steam had cleared, Kermit, Spamela, and the referee rush back to the pool and found it completely dry.)

    SPAMELA: This is totally outrageous! That electrical dive has completely fried all the water out of the pool. Let’s see if The Great Gonzo is alive.

    (They all looked at the bottom of the pool and saw a charred black Gonzo lying there.)

    KERMIT: Gonzo, are you okay? Yeesh, I don’t know how many times I’ve asked you that question!

    (Gonzo opens his eyes and gets up. Then he looks at his charred covered body.)

    GONZO: I’ll be fine. You know, I thought I’d get all clean if I dove into a pool!

    SPAMELA: Gonzo seems to be okay! Let’s see what the judges say about this.

    (The monitor starts to spark like crazy as a huge number 10 appears on the screen.)

    SPAMELA: The Great Gonzo gets a perfect 10 for that death defying diving act! The Muppet Show team wins the diving event!

    (The crowd looks confused, but then starts cheering for Gonzo. As Gonzo climbs out of the pool, Spamela approaches him.)

    SPAMELA: Gonzo, you’ve pulled the greatest dive ever in this great sporting event. But did you ever think that going through a dangerous stunt like that would get you killed?

    GONZO: Of course I did. I’ve done hundreds of deadly stunts like that all my life and somehow, I manage to come out of them alive.

    (We see a Grim Reaper Muppet on the side snapping his bony fingers in frustration.)

    GONZO: Sorry again, Death. But keep trying. One of these days you’ll get me. I believe in you!

    (Death walks away and then looks at Waldorf and Statler.)

    DEATH: Any day now, you’ll both be mine!

    WALDORF: How about today?

    STATLER: Yeah, rescue us from those Muppets!

    SPAMELA: This is Spamela Hamderson returning you to that cute caster with the cute and funny nose, Lewis Kazagger.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you Spamela. And thank you for the compliment on the Kazagger family nose. Hear that all you girls who rejected me in high school? The sexy pig thinks my nose is cute! Anyway, we’ve just seen a wild and shocking dive by our favorite blue geek giving the Muppet Show team the victory. Let’s see how the scoring is now. Digit?

    * * * * * *

    DIGIT: That sure was a cool dive Gonzo pulled and look, he even autographed a light bulb for me!

    (Digit holds up a yellow light bulb with Gonzo’s autograph on it. Digit gets so excited that sparks fly out of his head and the light bulb he’s holding starts to shine bright and then explodes.)

    DIGIT: Aw, circuit breakers! Anyway, as for today’s scoring, it looks like the Muppet Show, Sesame, and the Big Blue House teams are leading with 2 points each while the Fraggle team is in second place with one point. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. Well sports fans, this tournament started out with the Fraggle team leading, but now it seems like the Fraggles have dropped down to last place. Can they catch up? We’ll find out on Day 8 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.

    (Newsman comes back in fully clothed, but with a grumpy look on his face.)

    LEWIS: Hi, Newsie. We’re you able to stop Fleet from publishing that embarrassing picture of yourself?

    NEWSMAN: Does this answer your question?! (He tosses the latest issue of the Daily Scandal on the counter top. It was a picture of the Newsman in his underwear and above it reads, MUPPET NEWSMAN REVEALS IT ALL!)

    NEWSMAN: That article is a total lie!

    LEWIS: I’ll say. You’re not revealing it all! You still have your underwear on!

    NEWSMAN: That’s only in the front page! When I was chasing after Scribbler, my drawers got caught on a nearby nail and RIP, he got lucky with another shot!

    LEWIS: Ooooh! I gotta see this! (He starts flipping through the paper.)

    NEWSMAN: Camera off! NOW!!!!

    (Camera goes off.)
  20. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    I was excited to see a new chapter written. I particularly liked the melting witch bit. Totally random and unexpected. Only the Muppets would have something happen like that. Also the poor Honker and Sherlock was hilarious. I enjoyed Sherlock's "old bean" line. One of my favorite British expressions. Hilarious!!

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