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Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xerus, Jul 13, 2005.
Xerus, I'll be e-mailing you a possible idea for a chapter!
Oh yeah. Those letters do lead to that title. Thank you. And I don't think I've seen that BITBBH episode you talked about yet.
Noworries... You're doing vonderful so far.
Look forward to Day 10.
Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 10 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. Once again, I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN(brushing his coat clean with a small brush): And I’m The Newsman, who just came back from an interesting adventure he’d love to forget.
LEWIS: You mean getting eaten and digested by a giant monster named Carl?
NEWSMAN: I was hoping I’d forget that name. And don’t forget, he ate you too!
AN IRKED LEWIS: You had to remind me, didn’t you?
NEWSMAN: We were both lucky Carl eats lots of fiber! And unlucky too!
LEWIS: Well, maybe this next scene will stop all that terrible human eating. Here with a public service announcement is that American eagle, Sam.
* * * * * *
(We see Sam Eagle standing at a podium while a crowd looks at him.)
SAM: Ahem! My fellow Americans, as we are holding this sporting tournament, I would like to bring up a problem that cannot be ignored. It’s something that has made our once fine country a laughing stock of the world. It’s the constant obesity of America!
(Sam clicks on a remote and a TV screen comes down. We see a bunch of overweight Muppets walking around, lots of huge monsters eating all sorts of unhealthy food and stuff that isn’t food like radios, stop signs, cars, and citizens.)
SAM: Just look at all these overweight Americans! Are they not disgusting?!
(Then on the screen, it shows Miss. Piggy lying on her bed, surrounded by boxes of chocolates. She sits up and it shows her with a chocolate mouth.)
PIGGY: You’re dead meat, Baldy! Both the dark and white kinds! (A twitching Sam quickly turns off the TV.)
SAM: So you see, we must put a stop to obesity and stop disgracing America! We should do sensible things like taking vending machines out of schools and offices, make cafeteria ladies serve only salads, close down fast food restaurants forever, and remove video games and TVs from children’s rooms and replace them all with aerobic equipment! That way we’ll have a much more slimmer and disciplined America and maybe Jay Leno will cease his constant America’s Too Fat jokes on his show! That is getting old.
(Some of the Muppets in the crowd were frowning at Sam’s speech while others were holding onto their candy bars and soda cans.)
SAM: And we’re in luck, for I have invited the President himself to come here and he has come up with a solution. Now, may I President you the present. No wait, I mean present you the President. Whew! Almost blew it there.
(Sam steps back and in steps a really obese Muppet with a blue head, gray hair, and is wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt that looked like the buttons were going to bust any minute.)
A SURPRISED SAM: Our great leader seems to have gained some weight. Maybe being on TV just makes him look slimmer.
PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. I do have a solution for all of you that will make you feel a lot better.
A PROUD SAM: Yes, Mr. President. Work your magic.
(The President takes out a pastry from his coat pocket.)
PRESIDENT: My solution is for all of you to enjoy delicious Yummycake treats. Especially our new flavor, triple chocolate and quadruple sugar! Here’re some free samples! (The President grabs more treats from his pocket and starts throwing them to the cheering crowd.)
A SHOCKED SAM: What, what the…! What is going on here?!
A GUY EATING A CUPCAKE: Hey, the President’s on the junk lovers’ side!
A GUY EATING AN ÉCLAIR: Yeah, if the Pres says it’s okay. Then this is okay!
(The crowd starts enjoying their pastry treats as the President hurls more goodies at them. An angry Sam rushes back to the podium.)
SAM: Mr. President! What do you think you’re doing?! You’re here to talk about fitness and reducing obesity! This behavior is no way for the President of the United States to act!
PRESIDENT: United States? You got the wrong guy, pal. I’m the President of the Yummycake Corporation.
(Sam stands there speechless and then checks his address book.)
SAM: I don’t believe it! I must’ve written the wrong address on the message! What have I done?!
PRESIDENT: You’ve given Yummycake products a wonderful advertisement, and I thank you for it.
SAM: Stop tape right now! Get that camera off those gorging citizens! Oh, Presidents of the past, please forgive me!
PRESIDENT: You seemed too stressed my feathered friend. Have a fudge cake on me! (And he stuffed the round cake into Sam’s beak. Sam looks at the camera with a grumpy look and a melted chocolate cake in his beak. Then he waves his wings at the camera and covers it with chocolate coating.)
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Wow, I think that public service announcement went pretty well. (And he starts eating a fruit pie.)
LEWIS(eating a Twinkie): I’ll say! Now let’s go onto today’s event. Reporting live from a nearby golf course are Guy Smiley and Clifford.
* * * * * *
* * * * * *
(We see Guy Smiley and Clifford sitting in front of an announcer’s box out in an open field.)
CLIFFORD: Yo, yo, yo! What’s up, what’s up? This is Clifford.
GUY(in a loud voice): AND THIS IS GUY SMILEY AND WE WILL BOTH BE BRINGING YOU THE EXCITING WORLD OF MUPPET GOLF! OH, THE SUN IS NICE AND WARM TODAY, BUT THE TENSIONS WILL BE HOT FOR OUR GOLFERS WHO WILL BE STRETCHING THEIR STRENGTHS ON THE GOLF COURSE!
CLIFFORD: Hey, Guy! Turn down the volume! Didn’t anyone teach you how to be a golf announcer?
GUY: NOT REALLY! AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG?!
CLIFFORD: I’ll say! You’re talking too loud! When announcing golf, you’re supposed to whisper so it won’t disturb the other golfers.
GUY: OH, YOU MEAN TALKING REAL LOUD LIKE THIS! PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT TO ME! I DON’T KNOW WHY THOUGH! I’M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! BUT THEY SAY WHEN I TALK IN MY LOUDEST VOICE, IT SOUNDS LIKE A SONIC BOOM! I SAY THAT’S RIDICULOUS! HERE’S HOW MY REALLY LOUD VOICE SOUNDS LIKE…..
CLIFFORD(grabbing a nearby pastry): Here Guy, have a Yummycake on me! I insist! (Clifford stuffs the cake in Guy’s huge mouth silencing him.)
CLIFFORD: As for the golf tournament, our golfers have already started at dawn and I have to say that some of our golfers aren’t making really hot progress. For example, here’s a taped scene from when Beauregard from the Muppet Show team was at the very first tee.
(We see Beauregard heading for the first tee while his caddy, Rowlf, was carrying a huge golf bag.)
BEAU: There it is, Rowlf. The very first ball, Oh I can’t wait to have so much fun!
ROWLF: Which club would you like first, Beau?
BEAU: Club, let’s see. How about a ham and pastrami on rye with a cute little olive on top?
ROWLF: No, not that kind of club, the other kind.
BEAU: Oh, silly me. What was I thinking? Hmmm, how about a membership to the Boy’s Club, no, maybe the 4H Club? Wait a minute, how about the Lion’s Club? No, wait. I don’t want to get eaten by hungry lions!
A SIGHING ROWLF: No, I mean which one of the things do you want me to drag out of your bag so you can start the game?!
BEAU: Oh, that. Why didn’t you say so? Let’s see, I’ll take a number 5, please.
(Rowlf reaches for the handle that says No. 5, and becomes surprised at what he drags out.)
ROWLF: Hey, this is a mop!
BEAU: Yep, those gray strings on top puts it in the mop category. It’s my specialty number 5 mop.
(Rowlf then looks through the bag and pulls out mops, brooms, vacuums, spray bottles, and all sorts of janitorial equipment.)
ROWLF: Wait a minute! Beau, this isn’t your golf bag, this is your janitor’s bag!
BEAU: Yes, I know.
A CONFUSED ROWLF: But you’re supposed to be playing golf today, not cleaning the Muppet Theater!
BEAU: You don’t understand my needs, Rowlf. I don’t go anywhere without my cleaning equipment! I had my cleaning tools ever since kindergarten. I cleaned everything everywhere I went. In fact, the principal was so impressed about the way I cleaned up the school that he promoted me from a student to a janitor! These things sure saved me from taking a lot of confusing tests in school.
ROWLF: But where’s your golf bag?
BEAU: Both bags wouldn’t fit in the golf cart, so I had to leave one of them behind. And you can see the wise choice I decided to take.
ROWLF: But you can’t play golf with cleaning equipment!
BEAU: Sure I can. Just watch how I use this mop to hit the ball. (Beau takes the mop from Rowlf and puts it against the ball. “FORE!” shouts Beau as he strikes the ball.)
BEAU: Just look how far I hit that ball! I can hardly see it!
ROWLF: Beau, you didn’t hit it. The ball’s tangled in your sticky mop. (Rowlf points to the ball stuck on the mop that Beau’s holding over his shoulder.)
BEAU: Please, Rowlf. Don’t interrupt the golfer who’s made a great swing! Now we’ll just have to wait to see where it lands.
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: That’s right, folks. Poor Beau has been standing in that spot for hours and his caddy still hasn’t gotten through to him!
GUY(finishing his cake): JUST WHAT IS IT WITH GOLFERS WHO THINK THEY CAN PLAY GOLF WITHOUT CLUBS?! WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND, BOB BARKER, PLAYED THAT GOLF GAME ON HIS SHOW, HE ALWAYS USED A FINE IRON CLUB! NOT A MOP, NOT A BROOM, NOT A SHOVEL, NOT A RULER, NOT A SAUSAGE, NOT AN OSTRITCH’S NECK, NOT A….
CLIFFORD(taking out some candy): Hey, Guy. How about chewing on some peanut butter and caramel candy? They’re lip sealing good.
GUY: THANK’S, CLIFFORD(Guy takes the candy and starts chewing it) YOU KNOW, CLIFFORD. IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I’D SAY YOU’RE TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM TALK…MMGGMMLF!
CLIFFORD: Well, any-HEW, The Muppet Show team isn’t the only one who isn’t doing so hot in this tournament. It looks like the Sesame team is pretty far behind too. They haven’t reached the second hole, yet. Let’s look at the Sesame team’s golfer, Mr. Snuffle-Upagus and his caddy, Big Bird.
* * * * * *
(We see Snuffy slowly walking to the ball while Big Bird, carrying a huge golf bag, was following him.)
SNUFFY: There it is, Bird. The ball is right there in the open green. Are you ready to watch my next shot?
A TIRED BIG BIRD(putting down the heavy bag with a loud thud): Yeah, Snuffy. But tell me, are you sure you really had some golfing experience?
SNUFFY: But of course, Bird. My mommy signed me up for some golfing lessons last Tuesday, and my teacher said I’ve become a pro. Please, hand me my number 3 club.
(Big Bird pulls out a giant club almost losing his balance and Snuffy takes it with his Snuffle nose.)
SNUFFY: Just one gentle tap and watch the ball roll.
BIG BIRD: Uh, Snuffy. All you’ve been doing since this game started is tapping the ball and watching it roll.
SNUFFY: Yes, Bird. I just love watching that ball take its time and watching its peaceful rolls. Just like the ones at Miniature Golf World.
BIG BIRD: But this isn’t really miniature golf. This is a wide open golf course. You’re actually supposed to hit the ball as hard as you can until it flies to the furthest hole. That way it’ll be a lot quicker.
SNUFFY: Really, Bird?
BIG BIRD: Yeah, I mean, we’ve been on this field for over 3 hours and we haven’t even reached the 2nd hole yet.
SNUFFY: Hmmm, I’ve never hit the ball so hard before. Okay, I’ll give it a shot. (Snuffy twists his Snuffle and strikes the ball causing it to fly in the air.)
SNUFFY: Wow, Bird! Look how hard I hit it. It’s going up and up and up…..
BIG BIRD: Yes, Snuffy. You’ve sent that ball flying. But I don’t think golfers were meant for their balls to go way into outer space!
(We see the ball orbit the Earth while two Martians were floating around making questionable, “Yip, yip, yips?”)
SNUFFY: Oh dear! Should we break out another ball?
BIG BIRD: I don’t think we need to, because our first ball is coming back. (Big Bird and Snuffy see the ball zooming back down.)
BIG BIRD: I’ll catch it! (Big Bird spreads out his wings to catch it, but the ball ends up bopping Big Bird on the head causing him to fall down.)
SNUFFY(lifting up Bird with his Snuffle): Bird, are you all right? (Big Bird opens his eyes and sees little humans flying around him.)
A DAZED BIG BIRD: Congratulations, Snuffy. You just hit a birdie! (And he faints again.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Ooch! Let this be a lesson to you caddies out there. If you’re gonna caddy for a Snuffle-Upagus, switch to a much safer career, fast! How are you doing, Guy?
(Guy tries to talk, but the peanut butter caramel candy he just ate had still sealed his mouth shut.)
CLIFFORD: I’m glad you’re fine! And now let’s see how the golfer for the Fraggle team is doing. Here’s The World’s Oldest Fraggle over at the 10th hole.
* * * * * *
(We see a really old Fraggle with a long white beard and his caddy, Henchy the Hench-Fraggle, heading over to the 10th hole where they see a ball just inches away from it.)
W.O.F.: There it is, Henchy. Our ball is just inches away from the hole.
HENCHY(studying the ball): Actually, it looks like it’s only one and a half inch.
W.O.F.: Nobody likes a know it all! (And he bonks Henchy on the nose with his staff.) Now hand me my putter, will you?
HENCHY(rubbing his nose): Right away you’re Hole-in-One-ness! (He takes out a small putter and hands it to the World’s Oldest Fraggle. The Old Fraggle was about to make his putt, until Henchy notices his face.
HENCHY: Excuse me, sir.
W.O.F.: What is it, Henchy? Can’t you see I’m busy here?
HENCHY: Forgive me, sir. But I noticed you’re not wearing your glasses.
W.O.F.: Of course I’m not. I took them off after I finished the 9th hole back there.
HENCHY: But why, sir?
W.O.F.: Because I saw some pretty lady golfers around this part of the field. I don’t want them seeing me with glasses and have them thinking I’m an old Fraggle!
HENCHY: But you are an old Fraggle, your wrinkled-ness. Isn’t that why you’re called The World’s Oldest Fraggle?
W.O.F: How dare you insult me you young upstart! (He bonks Henchy on the nose again.) Now pipe down and let me concentrate on my putt. (World’s Oldest Fraggle looks at the hole, but his blurry vision ends up seeing two holes in his view.)
W.O.F.: Two holes?! Hmm, which one should I choose? I know, always choose the one that’s right! The right hole!
HENCHY: No, sir! Not that one, that’s….
W.O.F.: Quiet, Henchy. Learn to trust your elders! (World’s Oldest Fraggle putts the ball and it falls into the blurry hole making a plopping sound.) Plop?! Did someone fill the 10th hole with water?
HENCHY: No, your vision impaired-ness. You just hit your ball into a nearby pond.
W.O.F.: What the….? (The old Fraggle puts back on his glasses and sees the pond and gets mad.) Why didn’t you warn me?!
HENCHY: You told me to be quiet. Maybe now, you should learn to listen to me.
W.O.F.: Dear, loyal, Henchy. Please put your chin down on the ground. (Henchy complies and puts his chin down on the ground. The old Fraggle places a ball on Henchy’s nose.)
HENCHY: Uh, sir. May I please ask what are you doing?
W.O.F.(in a grumpy voice): You’ve just been promoted from a caddy to a golf tee. Now hold still if you value your nose. FORE!! (The old Fraggle was about to strike the ball on poor Henchy’s nosel. But then, the old Fraggle’s club got caught in his beard and he ended up turning himself over and falling on his bottom.)
HENCHY: Are you all right, your injured-ness?
W.O.F.(With his beard covering his entire face): I’ll let you know once I shave for the first time in years!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Oh man! Let that be another lesson! If you’re a golfer with a beard, make sure it’s not too long that it touches the ground. Now let’s look at how the Big Blue House Team is doing.
GUY: OH BOY, THIS IS ONE EXCITING GOLF TOURNAMENT! LOT’S OF MUPPET SHOW MAYHEM, SESAME STREET SILLINESS, AND FRAGGLE FANATICS! NOW WE’LL BE WITNESSING SOME BOMBASTIC BIG BLUE HOUSE HIJINKINS IF WE’LL PLAY OUR CARDS RIGHT!
AN ANNOYED CLIFFORD: Hey, I thought that candy I gave you sealed up your mouth!
GUY: NOPE, I USE GUY SMILEY’S PATENTED MEGA WHITE TOOTHPASTE THIS MORNING. IT’S SO STRONG AND MIGHTY, IT CAN DISSOLVE PLAQUE AND SWEETS THE MINUTE IT TOUCHES MY TEETH. NOW I CAN TALK AGAIN AND SPORTS FANS CAN HEAR MY LOVELY VOICE! ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL?!
CLIFFORD(taking out his cell-phone): This is the last straw! Bring out Plan C!
(Two anything Muppets push out a huge booth right behind Guy and Clifford. Guy turns his head and looks surprised.)
GUY: WHY IS THAT AN ACTUAL ISOLATION BOOTH?! I HAVEN’T SEEN ONE OF THESE THINGS SINCE MY GAME SHOW DAYS!
CLIFFORD: Yep, I got it cheap from an eBay auction. Go on and try it out. (Guy steps into the booth amazed.)
GUY: YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE GAME SHOW ISOLATION BOOTHS THAT SHUTS OUT SOUND FROM THE INSIDE AND THE OUTSIDE AS WELL! I REMEMBER THE TIME…..
(Clifford quickly slams the booth’s door and watches Guy moving his mouth around in silence, not realizing no one could hear him. Then Clifford locks the booth.)
CLIFFORD: Aw, sweet silence! Now back to the tournament! Playing for the Big Blue House team is that sweet little bear cub, Ojo. So far, she’s doing the best job of all the other athletes. Right now, we’ll look at Ojo and her caddy, Treelo, who are now reaching the 14th hole.
* * * * * *
OJO: Look, Treelo. The ball is just inches away from the hole. Hand me my putter please.
TREELO: Wooga wag weega woo! (Treelo starts pointing to the left.)
OJO: What is it, Treelo? (She turns her head and sees some bikers riding by.)
OJO: Hey, it’s the cyclists from the cross country race. And there’s our friend, Doc Hog. Let’s cheer him on! (Both Ojo and Treelo jump up and down and cheer for Doc Hog. He stops his pedaling and turns around.)
DOC HOG: Why thank you, kiddies! I appreciate your cheers! Now let me help you! (Doc Hog gets off his bike and heads over to Ojo and Treelo.)
OJO: Doc Hog, what are you doing? Why aren’t you racing?
DOC HOG: Don’t fret, little Ojo. I’ll get back on the saddle once I show you some good golf moves.
OJO: But Dog Hog….
DOC HOG: Trust me, sweetie. We doctors are famous for being great golfers when we’re not on duty. It’s been that way since the first doctor king pulled the magic golf club from the magic golf bag 1000 years ago.
OJO: Magic golf club?
TREELO: Wagga wooga golf bag?
DOC HOG: Now please give me a little quiet and I’ll win you this event. (Doc Hog takes Ojo’s club and places it near the ball.)
OJO: But, Doc Hog…. (Before Ojo could tell him, Doc Hog swings the club, hitting the ball out of sight.)
TREELO: Walla weela, oh wow!
DOC HOG: See what I mean? We doctors rule the golf course!
OJO: But I was supposed to putt the ball into the 14th hole. You just knocked it far in the wrong direction. Now we’ll have to go back and start all over again!
DOC HOG(turning bright red): I did that? Oh my. Oh dear. Uh, oh look! Why am I standing around here for?! I got a bicycle race to win! Good luck, kids! (Doc Hog gallops over to his bike and pedals off like lightning, leaving a shocked Ojo and Treelo.)
TREELO: Yaaga, wagga, quack!
OJO: I agree, Treelo. We definitely need to find a new doctor to visit!
* * * * * *
(We see Waldorf and Statler sitting in a golf cart watching everything.)
WALDORF: You call this madness golfing?
STATLER: I call it more like GOOFING!
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Man, this golf match is way too warped! With the way things are going, it might be 1800 years before somebody reaches the 18th hole! Let’s look back on Beauregard who still hasn’t made it to the first hole yet.
* * * * * *
(We see a golf ball land and Beau running up to it holding a straw broom. He shouts, “FORE!” and whacks the ball with his broom sending it flying into the air. Then Rowlf catches up carrying Beau’s bag.)
ROWLF: Wow, I’m impressed. That broom of yours sure seems to do the trick when golfing.
BEAU: Thanks, Rowlf. It’s also great at whacking away dust bunnies.
(We see two Muppet bunnies covered with dust both saying, “I’LL SAY!” and they start to rub their sore bottoms.)
(Beau and Rowlf watch where the ball lands and it falls into a sand trap.)
ROWLF: Oh, great! A sand trap! It’ll take forever to whack that ball out of there. I hope that broom of yours is good at taking out sand bunnies.
BEAU: Don’t be silly. Sand bunnies are only a myth, not like dust bunnies that I wish were only a myth. Anyway, I can’t use a broom for this situation. I’ll need some heavy duty equipment. (Beau searches through the bag.)
ROWLF: Let me guess. You’re going to use a vacuum cleaner to get rid of all the sand till only the ball’s left, right?
BEAU: Nope, I’m using this baby. (Beau takes out a small dustbuster.)
ROWLF: But that’s such a dinky little dustbuster. It won’t be able to suck up all that sand.
BEAU: This is no ordinary dustbuster. This is Dr. Honeydew’s Dust Master 9000! The future of all dustbusters! Watch! (Beau clicks on the dustbuster and it starts to suck up some of the sand and then some more sand and then some more and more sand until there was no sand left, just a huge empty pit.)
AN AMAZED ROWLF: Well I’ll be a French poodle’s uncle! How’s all that sand able to fit inside that thing?!
BEAU: Oh, it’s built with a black hole. Black holes can suck up millions of things and never get full.
A CONFUSED ROWLF: Black holes?! Wait a minute! How can someone get possession of a black hole? They’re way out in outer space!
BEAU: That’s easy. Dr. Honeydew pays astronauts to collect black holes for his little dustbusters. They can easily be caught by sneaking up behind them and snagging them in butterfly nets. (Rowlf shakes off the confusion and notices something.)
ROWLF: Hey, where’s the ball? Don’t tell me it got sucked into that thing along with all the sand?! Now we’ll never get it out!
BEAU: Don’t worry, Rowlf. There’s a reverse switch on the Dust Master. I’ll just activate it and… (Beau turns on the reverse switch and the ball shoots out of it like a B.B. gun. Beau and Rowlf watch as the ball zooms into the air and lands in the very first hole.)
ROWLF: Hey, we finally made our first hole! (But then the ball suddenly bounces out of the hole and flies all the way into the second hole.)
BEAU(checking his binoculars): And it looks like we’ve made our second too, and it looks like our third and fourth and fifth….
A SURPRISED ROWLF: You mean the ball’s going into all the holes all by itself?! How’s that happening?! (Beau starts reading the warning label on the back of his dustbuster.)
BEAU: Warning, if an object, mainly a ball, gets sucked into the black hole of the Dust Master 9000 and gets ejected by hitting reverse. The object will have this need to get pulled into any nearby hole it can find!
A BEWILDERED ROWLF: I knew I should’ve gone to obedience school instead of caddy school!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: You won’t believe this! Somehow, Beau’s ball seems to be bouncing into every hole it can find! And now it’s heading for the sixth hole, and now it’s bouncing out of the sixth hole and going into the seventh, and now the eighth! That Beauregard must be a pro-golfer to pull a stunt like this! Now it’s going into the 15th, the 16th, and the 17th hole! It looks like the ball has finally made a stop, just inches away from the 18th hole! Man, Beau’s just inches away from a win!
* * * * * *
(Beau and Rowlf drive up in their golf cart to the ball just inches away from the final hole.)
BEAU: Aw, the ball almost made it! I guess the black hole effect wore off too soon.
ROWLF: Yeah, it would’ve been a freak record if the ball bounced into all 18 holes.
BEAU: Well at least I know how to end all of this. (Beau reaches into the bag and pulls out a squirt bottle filled with soapy water.)
BEAU: I always think balls should go into the winning hole all nice and clean. (Beau squirts at the ball washing off all the dirt and grass stains and pushing it into the 18th hole where it lands with a wet kerplop!)
(Suddenly, confetti and streamers bursts from the sky and a bunch of anything Muppets wearing golf caps and holding victory flags march around Beau and Rowlf shouting, “18th HOLE! 18th HOLE! YOU WIN!”)
A BLUSHING BEAU: You mean I won?! Wow! I actually won something and did it without messing up!
ROWLF: Hey, congrats on the win, my friend. You deserve it!
(Clifford then runs up to Beau)
CLIFFORD: Yo, Beau! Congrats on winning the golf tournament and for showing off one of the world’s greatest golf swings! An according to the rules of this golf course, for getting all 18 holes, you get to pick any object from the prize shelf! (The same golf staff starts to push in a shelf filled with prizes like a pocket radio, a CD player, a TV, a DVD player, around the world plane tickets, and gold bars.)
BEAU: You mean I can pick any prize on the shelf?!
CLIFFORD: Help yourself, champ!
ROWLF: Be sure to choose something good!
(Beau looks at all the prizes and grabs something from the left side of the middle shelf)
BEAU: I want this! (Rowlf, Clifford, and the golf staff looked shocked at what Beau chose!)
CLIFFORD: That?! But that looks like an old washcloth!
GREEN STAFF MEMBER: That’s not really a prize. I just placed that old washcloth on there so I could have both hands free to push the shelf over to you.
BEAU: But it was on the shelf. Wasn’t that the rules? Whatever’s on the shelf I can pick for a prize?
CLIFFORD: But it’s an old washcloth!
GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Beauregard does have a point! I put it on the shelf so it counts as a prize!
BEAU: Yay! That means I win a brand new washcloth!
GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Yes, you’ve won it, but it’s not really new.
CLIFFORD: Man, that was pretty sneaky of Beau to win that washcloth, both sneaky and stupid at the same time!
ROWLF: Beau, you could’ve chosen a new TV set or a trip around the world! Why did you choose that old rag?!
BEAU: Oh, Rowlf. You don’t understand the passion we janitors have for these little beauties. I always feel warm and happy when I get a new washcloth.
A SIGHING ROWLF: Okay, whatever makes your heart happy.
BEAU: And these things make great chew toys for dogs! (Beau starts to hold the cloth up in the air and wiggle it. Rowlf suddenly felt an urge as he started panting.)
ROWLF: Oh, now I’m starting to see how wonderful that thing is! Let me at it! (Rowlf jumps up and nabs the end of the cloth with his mouth while Beau happily tugs on it. Clifford looks weird at Beau who was playing tug of war with Rowlf and his new washcloth and slowly and quietly steps away back to his announcer’s box.
CLIFFORD: And there you have it. A total capital W golf match! WEIRD golfers where one makes a WILD WINNING swing and gets a totally WARPED prize of a WORN out WASH cloth! (Clifford turns around and finds Guy Smiley still in his new isolation booth with his mouth moving in silence.)
CLIFFORD: What, you’re still talking in there?! Don’t you know nobody can hear you?! You’re just wasting your voice box! (Clifford opens the booth’s door to tell him and a loud force of sound blows him away.)
GUY: AREN’T THESE ISOLATION BOOTH’S AMAZING THINGS?! SOUND NEVER ESCAPES WHEN THE DOOR’S SEALED TIGHT. AND WHEN MORE SOUNDS GET ADDED INSIDE, IT RELEASES A POWERFUL FORCE ONCE THE DOOR’S OPEN! ISN’T THAT AMAZING, CLIFFORD? HEY, CLIFFORD. WHERE’RE YOU GOING?!
(Guy sees Clifford getting blasted away by the sonic blast and ends up crashing onto the front of Waldorf’s and Statler’s golf cart.)
WALDORF: Hey, are you the waiter?
A DAZED CLIFFORD: What’s that? I think I lost my hearing!
STATLER: If you are the waiter, can you bring us a couple of Shirley Temples?
CLIFFORD: Yes, my sweetheart has lots of curly dimples!
WALDORF: Wow, this guy really has lost his hearing.
STATLER: At least he’s protected from that Bear’s deadly jokes.
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! (Clifford starts laughing as well.)
CLIFFORD: Uh, what are we laughing about?
GUY: GOOD OLD CLIFFORD. ALWAYS CLOWNING AROUND! SO THIS IS GUY SMILEY BRINGING YOU BACK TO LEWIS KAZAGGER!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: That sure was some heavy hitting and announcer blasting action we saw on the golf course today, with the Muppet Show team bringing us the win. Now let’s check on Digit with the scoring.
* * * * * *
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like both the Muppet Show and the Big Blue House teams are tied with 3 points while the other two teams are in second with 2 points. ‘nuff said!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Once again, we come to the end of another thrilling event. This is Lewis Kazagger….
(Just then Newsman enters the booth holding a dustbuster.)
NEWSMAN: Sorry I wasn’t here. But I had to leave to get something to remove the extra lint from my jacket.
LEWIS: Wait a minute? Is that one of those Dust Master 9000s?!
NEWSMAN: Yeah, I heard they’re pretty effective. (He clicks on the dustbuster and it ends up sucking everything in the announcer’s booth, including Lewis.)
LEWIS: YOU BLOCKHEAD! (Lewis gets pulled into the small dustbuster as well as the entire screen, leaving Newsman in a black void. He quickly turns off the dustbuster.)
NEWSMAN: Uh, oh! I think I may have set in on max and sucked up the entire world! Not only that, my car keys! (Newsman peeks into the dustbuster’s snout.) If anyone in there sees my keys, hold them for me, will you? And for all you sports fans who are stuck in there, stay tuned for Day 11 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. Once I figure out where the reverse switch is on this thing.
(Newsman turns on the dustbuster again and sucks up the last remaining cameraman and his camera. The screen goes into static.)
LOL, that was great. What a golf match. I love how you're finding such perfect contestants for each match. Of course, Beau probably did the whole course in so few strokes he was declared the winner once everyone else had made more - which was pretty easy.
The President thing ws great - I half expected Taft, the guy who got stuck int he bathtub while President. But, your ideas were just as good. (Taft served 1909-13 and weighed over 300 pounds.)
Will there be any gymnastics? I always like that the best in the Olympics. I wonder who would be the best gymnast. Miss Piggy would *think* she's the best, but she's already competed. I guess someone could always do it again, though.
Good chapter Xerus... Some parts made me laugh, not sure which ones right now... But it was a good chapter and it'll make Mr. 9900 Poster happy once he reads this thing.
Post the next event when ready and we'll be here to read it.
I loved it! It was great! And funny! And BEAU-tifull, i.e. it had Beau in it!
I loved it, especially the part with the World's Oldest Fraggle and Henchy.
Funny funny stuff!!
Thank you all for your wonderful comments on Day 10 of my fanfic. And I knew you'd like it if Beauregard was in it, Beau.
I'll come out with Day 11 soon.
Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome back to Day 11 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN(At work at the door): And I’m the Newsman.
LEWIS: Newsie, what are you doing by the door? You’re supposed to be in your seat next to me!
NEWSMAN: I’m protecting both of us. There’s no way a monster’s gonna come in here and devour us both again!
LEWIS: What are you up to?
NEWSMAN: Voila! (Newsman steps aside and it shows an electric light beam in front of the door.) I’ve installed a monster detector to keep monsters from coming in here and attacking us!
LEWIS: Does it work?
NEWSMAN: Just watch! (Newsman sees a big orange monster trudging down the halls.) Hey monster, want something to sink your teeth into? (Newsman lifts up his pants-leg showing off his bare leg. The monster drools happily and starts to charge into the room. But the light beam starts to electrocute the monster causing him to back away.)
A CHARRED MONSTER: What is this, April Fools Day?! Why’d you have to bring my hopes up like that?! (And the monster runs away crying.)
NEWSMAN: See, Lewis. If any monster tries to come in here, ZAPPO! Now we’re both protected at long last!
A CONFUSED LEWIS: You sure know how to look out for your fellow castors. And speaking of fellow castors, here’s Telly bringing you the latest update on the cross country bicycle race.
* * * * * *
TELLY(rising up from a stream with a snorkel and an eye mask): Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike report. Right now, I’m under the drawbridge that is supposed to lead our cyclists back to the city. They should be here any minute now. And look, here comes the first cyclist. It’s Traveling Matt in the lead. Uh oh, it looks like the bridge is opening. This might ruin Matt’s lead.
MATT(taking out a pad and pencil and starts writing): My faithful two wheeled steed and I have come across one of the most frustrating creatures you can find when traveling in outer space, the living bridges. It seems like when a boy bridge and a girl bridge fall in love, they join together to form one giant bridge. That may seem useful for ravines that need a really long bridge, but it gets unpleasant when the two bridges suddenly don’t get along.
(Matt studies the drawbridge as it opens up all the way making the two halves completely separate.)
MATT: It seems like every hour, the male and female bridges have an occasional spat and when that happens, they separate from each other for a while. This can get frustrating for travelers like me and my steed who want to cross to the other side and have to wait a while. But it seems to make the silly creatures who are driving the boats below happy for some reason. So maybe there is a purpose when two bridges have an occasional argument. I just hope they can patch things up right away, so I can cross and keep my lead.
TELLY: Will Traveling Matt be able to cross before the other cyclists catch up to him? If you’ll get back to me later, Lewis, I’ll let you know.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. We’ll get back to the bridge right after today’s event. Reporting live is that happening former show host, Clifford.
* * * * * *
TUG OF WAR
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Yo, yo, yo! What’s up? What’s up? Once again, this is Clifford bringing you the hard pulling action of tug of war! Right now, our teams are drawing numbers on who will get to go first.
(The team captains gather around the referee who’s holding a top hat and they reach in and pull a number. Kermit ends up pulling out a 1, Bear a 2, Ernie a 3, and Gobo a 4.)
CLIFFORD: Well, it looks like The Muppet Show and the Big Blue House teams will be competing in round 1. Whoever wins round 1 will face off with the Sesame Street team in round 2, and the winner of that round will go against the Fraggle team in the final round. The losers of each round will fall into that dirty mud puddle in the center while the winners will land on nice soft Astroturf that isn’t as dirty. But doesn’t make your skin nice and clear though.
* * * * * *
(On the left side, we see Kermit at the front with Scooter, Fozzie, Floyd, Gonzo, and Rowlf behind him. And on the right side, we see Bear at the front with, Ojo, Tutter, Pip, Pop, and Treelo behind him. The two captains shake hands.)
BEAR: Good luck to you, Kermit. And I’d just like you to know, I’ve been a big fan of the Muppet Show ever since I was a little bear cub.
KERMIT: Uh, thank you, Bear. I wish I could say I was fan of your show ever since I was a tadpole, but I’ve been an adult frog when your show first started.
REFEREE: Athletes, take your positions. On your marks, get set, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match has started! And it looks like the Big Blue House team is using all their bear strength and is pulling ahead!
(We see Bear doing most of the pulling while the other 5 smaller animals were pretty much relaxing while holding onto the rope. Kermit and his team watch nervously as they were getting closer to the mud.)
FLOYD: What’s that Bear made of?
GONZO: Fozzie, you’re a bear like him! How come you don’t have his strength?
FOZZIE: Sorry, Gonzo. The bear on that team must’ve trained in the rough and tough woods. I mostly trained in clown college!
ROWLF: I can’t land in that mud! They won’t let me on the furniture if I’m all muddy!
SCOOTER: We could use a plan here, Chief!
KERMIT(scratching his head with one hand while tugging the rope with his other): Let’s see, gotta think of something fast. I know! Scooter, pretend you’re pulling on the curtain rope back in our theater!
SCOOTER: Gotcha, Chief! (Scooter starts pulling.)
KERMIT: Rowlf, pretend this rope is your favorite chew toy!
ROWLF: Will do! (And he starts to grab the rope with his mouth.)
KERMIT: Fozzie, pretend you’re pulling the string of your favorite spinning tie.
FOZZIE: Wocka, wocka! (Fozzie starts tugging while twirling the ends of his spotted tie around with his other hand.)
KERMIT: Floyd, pretend you’re tugging on Animal’s chain!
FLOYD: Heal Animal, be good! (And Floyd starts pulling on the rope imagining Bear with Animal’s head on top.) You look good in a fur coat, Animal.
KERMIT: And let’s see, uh, I got it! Gonzo, pretend you’re yanking your own spleen out of your body!
GONZO: Cool! Sounds painful! (Gonzo reaches into his sweatshirt.)
KERMIT: No, Gonzo! I said to pretend! Pretend the rope is your spleen!
A DISAPPOINTED GONZO: Oh, all right! I’ll remove my spleen some other time! (Gonzo starts tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that?! It looks like the Muppet Show team is coming on strong. Now they’re the ones who’re pulling the Big Blue House team closer and closer into the mud!
BEAR: Okay, guys! It looks like I’ll need everyone here!
(The Big Blue House team nods and starts to pull with all their might. Except for Tutter, for the little mouse was holding onto the rope, but his feet weren’t touching the ground.)
CLIFFORD: Now it looks like Bear’s team is pulling ahead! Man, this is like some weird taffy pull!
KERMIT: Keep pulling everyone! (The Muppet Show team starts to pull even harder as well. Rowlf holds onto the rope harder with his mouth, but he ends up gnawing the rope causing it to snap. And the Muppet Show team, except Rowlf, ends up falling into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
ROWLF(blushing with the rope still in his mouth): Oops, sorry about that guys. I guess I don’t know my own chewing strength.
KERMIT(rising from the mud): Don’t worry about it, Rowlf. This kind of reminds me of my old swamp back home.
SCOOTER(with muddy glasses): Has anyone seen my glasses cleaning cloth?
FOZZIE(wiping his face): Here’s mud in our eyes!
FLOYD: Hey, you know, this mud look might work wonders for our band. It’ll be like we’re back in Woodstock!
GONZO(tasting the mud): You know, this is the same mix I use to make my famous mud pies back when I was a kid. Now, all I need is Camilla to lay some eggs for me.
(The Muppets in the mud groaned at Gonzo’s weird words.)
* * * * * *
STATLER: It looks like the Muppet Show team’s name is mud!
WALDORF: And you know what mud spelled backwards is?
STATLER(points to Waldorf): YOU! HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Waldorf just groans and bops Statler in the face once again.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Oooh, too bad for the Muppet Show team! While they’re wallowing in dirty defeat, the winner of round 1 is the Big Blue House team.
(Bear and his friends start to cheer.)
OJO: Yay! We did it!
PIP AND POP: Yeah, we’re bad! We’re bad!
TUTTER: Bad?! But I’m a good mouse. Were we bad because we made those Muppets fall in the mud? If that’s so, I apologize for all of us.
BEAR: No, Tutter. Don’t worry. We’re bad is just an expression saying you’re good at something.
A CONFUSED TUTTER: If being bad means you’re good, does that mean when you’re cold, you’re actually hot?
PIP: Actually, it’s when you’re cool, you’re hot.
TUTTER(holding his head): My head hurts!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Now it’s time for round 2, and the Big Blue House team will move on to play against the Sesame Street team. And here come the six athletes ready to start pulling.
(We see Ernie, Bert, Grover, Herry, Cookie Monster, and Oscar walking to the rope and picking it up.)
ERNIE: Okay, guys. Are you ready to do this?
OSCAR: You bet! I can’t wait till we all fall in that mud! Heh heh heh!
BERT: Oscar, the point of winning a tug of war is to keep pulling as hard as we can so we won’t fall in the mud.
OSCAR: Well then, I guess I won’t pull my hardest! Mud puddle, here we come!
A SHOCKED BERT: Why is Oscar even on our team?! Why couldn’t’ve we chosen someone like Snuffy to be on our tug of war team? With his strength, he could easily win this for us!
ERNIE: Don’t you remember, Bert? Snuffy had to go to Snuffle-garten today! Education is important.
BERT: But still, of all people, why did we let Oscar talk us into competing in tug of war with us? We should’ve realized that the only reason he wanted to be in this event is so we’d all get muddy and filthy! Mr. Referee, we’d like to replace one of our pullers with another member of our team.
REFEREE: Sorry, according to the rules, no substitutions!
BERT: I guess we’re all stuck with Oscar.
OSCAR: Yeah, and soon we’ll get all sticky! Heh heh heh!
HERRY: Wait a minute. I think I have an idea! (Herry goes over to the referee and whispers something. The referee nods a yes and Herry grabs a bucket, scoops up some mud, and then pours the mud behind Oscar.)
OSCAR: What’cha doing, Fuzzy Face?
HERRY: I’m building you your very own mud puddle to fall into. All you gotta do is pull with all of us, and if we win, you’ll fall backwards and land in your own private mud and the rest of us will be clean.
OSCAR: Hmmm, it’s a pleasing thought. But one thing grouches hate is winning! Besides, I’d rather us all fall in that huge jumbo sized mud in the center!
HERRY: Okay, if you want us all to share that mud puddle.
A SHOCKED OSCAR: SHARE?!!
HERRY: Yeah, and we know how much you grouches LOVE to share! (Herry turns his head and winks at his team.)
ERNIE: Oh yes, Oscar. It’s so generous of you to share your mud bath with us.
A FROWNING BERT: It is? (Ernie nudges him) Oh yes, it is! We love to share mud!
OSCAR: Forget it! Grouches hate sharing! I’m gonna pull with all my green might so I’ll be sure to land in my own mud which none of you are gonna enjoy!
HERRY: Fine, whatever makes you grouchy! (Ernie, Bert, Cookie, and Grover sigh of relief.)
REFEREE: Athletes grab the rope and on the count of three, start tugging! (The Sesame team was on the left side, and the Big Blue House team was on the right!) On your mark, get start, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match begins! So far, it looks like Bear is using his bear strength once again and is pulling the Sesame team closer and closer into the mud!
ERNIE: Uh oh! It looks like we’re gonna get a mud bath and I didn’t bring my rubber duckie!
HERRY: Not even my own strength is a match for that Bear!
BERT(turning over to Grover): Can’t you change into Super Grover and win this for us?
GROVER: Are you kidding? Using my super powers to win a tug of war is an unfair advantage!
BERT: Who says?!
GROVER(taking out a small rule book): Right here in this official rule book! (Bert looks at the book, but then stops for the Sesame team were starting to get pulled even faster.)
BERT: It definitely looks like we’re all gonna be sharing a mud bath.
OSCAR: Not if I call on the power of 10 grouches, plus 2! (An x-ray appears and it shows Oscar’s filth covered heart growing 3 sizes! Then Oscar gives a mighty yank, pulling the Big Blue House team into the puddle, The Sesame Street team look surprised as they find themselves standing up all clean.)
REFEREE: The winner of the second round is the Sesame Street team!
ERNIE: Hey, what do you know? We won! Oscar won it for us!
BERT: What a surprise! Say, where is Oscar?
COOKIE: Right there! (They all turn around and found Oscar lying in his own personal mud puddle that Herry made him.)
OSCAR(My own personal mud spa! I’m in Heaven!)
* * * * * *
TUTTER: OH NO! We’re all in the mud puddle! I’ll drown!
OJO: Relax Tutter. We’re not sinking and we’re not even muddy either.
PIP: Yeah, we’ve seemed to have landed safely on some lump of fur.
POP: Yeah, I wonder where all this fur came from?
TREELO: Yagga, wagga, wooga, BEAR!
OJO: You’re saying we’re on top of Bear?! (The smaller animals realize that they were sitting on the back of their team captain, Bear, for he had fallen into the mud and protected his team from getting dirty.)
BEAR(raising his muddy head): Could someone help me up please? (They all got off of Bear’s back and helped up their captain. They looked at Bear, whose front was all covered with sticky mud.)
BEAR: I’m sorry we didn’t win guys.
OJO: We’re even sorrier that you were the one who got all dirty and not us.
TUTTER: Yeah, Bear. Thank you for protecting us!
BEAR: Aw, you’re welcome, Tutter and don’t worry about me getting dirty. (Bear exposes a hidden zipper in his muddy fur, unzips it, and takes off his muddy coat showing off his real fur all nice and clean. The smaller animals look at him with their mouths wide open.)
OJO: Wow, you mean you were wearing another fur coat over your real fur coat?
BEAR: That’s right, Ojo. I really don’t like getting my real fur all dirty.
PIP AND POP: Wow, Bear sure is smart!
TREELO: Wagga, woogoo, AND CLEAN!
A BLUSHING BEAR: Huh huh huh!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Well sports fans, it looks like the Big Blue House team is out and the Sesame team gets to move onto the final round. And here comes those Funky Fraggles ready to try their tugging best!
(On the left we see the Sesame team and on the right we see Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, Mokey, and Large Marvin.)
GOBO: Okay, guys. Are we ready to do this!
RED: You bet! I’m willing and able! WOO HOO HOO!
WEMBLEY: I’m with you, Gobo.
A NERVOUS BOOBER: I sure hope that mud puddle’s been sterilized of all germs!
MOKEY: Aw, Boober. Mud isn’t so bad. I heard it can be made into beautiful pottery.
REFEREE: On your mark, get set, START PULLING!
CLIFFORD: It looks like the Sesame team is pulling the Fraggle team closer to the mud. It seems the Sesame team has a better advantage in this round since there is no big strong bear on the Fraggle team.
RED: Come on, everyone! Pull harder!
LARGE MARVIN: I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a light snack to charge me up. Oh lackies! (Marvin’s Fraggle lackies come charging up to him pushing two wheelbarrows filled with cakes, pies, and pancakes.)
WEMBLEY: All that’s a light snack?
MARVIN: Of course, I usually have my big meals in a jumbo sized cave! (Marvin grabs a handful of sweets with one hand while holding onto the rope with his other.)
RED: Marvin, this is no time to make yourself heavier! You’re supposed to be helping us all win!
GOBO: Make yourself heavier? That’s it! Mokey, tie the rope around Marvin’s waist.
MOKEY: Okay, Gobo. (Mokey made a loop with the rope and ties it around Marvin’s huge waistline.)
MARVIN: Ah, this is much better. Now I have both hands free to grab more goodies!
GOBO: Marvin’s lackies. Keep feeding your boss as much food as he can eat! (The lackies complied and brought in more wheelbarrows of sweets. Marvin kept inhaling all the food like a giant vacuum making him fatter and heavier.)
A CONFUSED RED: Gobo, what are you doing?!
GOBO: Trust me.
(The Sesame team kept trying to pull the Fraggle team closer, but now they weren’t having much luck.)
BERT: Wait a minute, why aren’t those Fraggle’s budging?
ERNIE: It’s that huge Fraggle at the end! They’ve filled him with so much food that he’s become to heavy to pull into the mud!
GROVER: And now it looks like they are trying to pull us in!
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that? The Fraggle team now has the pulling power and they’re bringing the Sesame team closer to the mud!
(Sure enough, the Fraggle team was pulling with all their might while Marvin was just sitting on the ground, still busy eating and getting heavier.)
BERT: This isn’t fair!
COOKIE: Me say! That big Fraggle is getting lots of food while me eating nothing.
ERNIE: That’s it! It’s time to fight fire with fire!
BERT: What are you up to, Ernie?
ERNIE: This! (Ernie takes out a cell phone while holding onto the rope with his other hand.) Hello, Hooper’s Store? Please send 24 boxes of cookies ASAP! (The minute Ernie puts away his cell phone, a blue delivery man zips in with a crate filled with lots of cookies.)
OSCAR: I know that smell! It’s something sweet and tasty YUCHH! (He puts a clothespin on his nose.)
COOKIE: Cookies from Heaven! Oh, me want some now!
ERNIE: Just a minute, Cookie. Okay, Herry. Can you tie the rope around Cookie Monster’s waist?
HERRY: Sure thing! (Herry wraps the rope around Cookie’s furry waist and ties it tight.)
ERNIE: Okay, Cookie Monster. You can now have your cookies and eat them too!
COOKIE: COWABUNGA! (Cookie starts to grab the cookies and gobble them up making him just as heavy as Large Marvin.)
BERT: Hey, that’s smart thinking, Ern.
ERNIE: Thanks, Bert. Now both sides have an equal advantage.
WEMBLEY: Oh no! We can’t seem to pull the Sesame team anymore!
RED: Now, what do we do oh great and wise leader?!
GOBO: Keep filling Large Marvin with food! (The lackies nod and keep bringing in more food for the fat Fraggle.)
MOKEY: This can’t be good for Marvin’s health.
BOOBER: Or my ears if I hear his arteries pop!
MARVIN: I have no problem with this. (Continues chomping) I’m taking one for the team!
(Clifford and the crowd watch in shock as they watch Cookie Monster and Large Marvin keep eating and eating while the others keep tugging and tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Man, this is way beyond warped! Somehow they’ve forgotten that this is a tug of war match and have turned it into a junk eating match!
MARVIN: More food, lackies!
LACKY 1: Sorry, sir. But there is no more food.
MARVIN: NO MORE FOOD?!
LACKY 2: Nope, we’ve completely cleaned out the snack bars!
MARVIN: Now what’ll I eat?!
RED: Oh, great! Our secret weapon’s run out of fuel!
GOBO: But not that big blue monster on their team! He’s still got plenty of cookies left!
ERNIE: Did you hear that, everybody? The Fraggles have no more fuel left. Okay, Cookie. How about winning this for us, by giving us a huge tug?
COOKIE: BURP! Sure thing! Me have cookie power now! (Cookie grabs the rope and starts to pull the Fraggles, including Large Marvin, closer to the mud.)
RED: It’ll take a miracle to save us, now! (Just then, some bells were heard outside the stadium.)
WEMBLEY: Is that the sound of a miracle?
MARVIN: It’s something even better! It’s the ice cream man! Let me at him! (Marvin starts to run out of the stadium, dragging the rope with the Fraggles still holding it behind him. That did it! The entire Sesame team got pulled into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
REFEREE: It’s over! The winner of the tug of war match is the Fraggle team!
BERT: Yech! I hate mud!
OSCAR(splashing around happily): I love mud! But I hate sharing it with all of you!
ERNIE: Sorry we didn’t win guys! And I’m sorry we got all dirty too!
HERRY: It’s okay. I play sports a lot so I’m used to getting dirty.
OSCAR: Hmmm, maybe I should play sports more often!
GROVER: Are you okay, Cookie? You did eat a lot of cookies just now.
COOKIE: Okay? Me so hungry! All this mud makes me think of brown gooey chocolate!
BERT: Don’t tell me you’re thinking about eating all this mud?!
OSCAR(holding onto his mud): Don’t you dare!
COOKIE: Of course not! Me want ICE CREAM! (Cookie jumps out of the puddle and runs out the same stadium exit Large Marvin went through.)
CLIFFORD: And there you have it, sports dudes! The Fraggle team wins the tug of war match! They were the only ones who came out clean without getting a mud bath. Normally, I’d be interviewing the winners right now, but I have no idea where they went off to.
* * * * * *
(We see an ice cream truck driving down the street while Large Marvin was chasing after it while the other five Fraggles were still holding onto the rope running behind him.)
GOBO: Marvin, stop running!
MARVIN: Not until I get my ice cream!
RED: We’re gonna be stuck on this rope following after Marvin, forever!
BOOBER: I knew I’d come to the end of my rope one of these days!
WEMBLEY: I’m wondering why we just don’t let go of the rope?
(The five Fraggles look at each other funny and then let go of the rope. Sure enough, our Fraggle five had stopped running while Marvin was still chasing the ice cream truck.)
GOBO: Good thinking, Wembley!
MOKEY: Yes, you saved us!
(Just then, Cookie Monster zooms past the Fraggles and tries to catch up with Marvin who was trying to catch up with the still moving ice cream truck.)
COOKIE: Come back! Me want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!
MARVIN: Ditto for me!
* * * * * *
(Back in the main announcer’s box)
LEWIS: And that ends the tug of war match with the Fraggle team claiming the victory. Let’s see what the scoring is now with Digit.
* * * * * *
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like the Fraggle, Muppet, and Big Blue House teams are tied with 3 points each, while the Sesame team is in last place with 2 points. That Sesame team better pull something out of their sleeves if they want to catch up! Let’s hope their next athlete isn’t wearing a sleeveless tank top. HA HA HA! (Digit then gets a glitch and starts laughing a non-stop, “HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!”)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: You’d better get your sense of humor circuit replaced, Digit. Anyway, before closing, here’s another report from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
TELLY(standing at the other side of the bridge): Thank you, Lewis. I’m back here at the open drawbridge where it’s still open all this time. And all four of our cyclists are at the other end still waiting to cross. And the reason it’s taking so long for the bridge to close is because it looks like a huge parade of boats is passing by. And it looks like there’re hundreds of them.
COUNT: Make that 113 boats, no 114, 115, 116, Oh, I love waiting here counting passing boats! I hope that bridge never goes down!
(The other three cyclists sigh of frustration. Just then, Beaker gets a ring on his cell phone.)
BUNSEN’S VOICE: Hello, Beaker! I’m watching your predicament right now on the big screen, and I’ve prepared something in your bicycle to help you get pass open drawbridges.
A NERVOUS BEAKER: Mee mee mee meep!
BUNSEN: Just trust me, Beaker, like you always do. Just push the button on the center of your handlebars and you’ll propel to victory.
(Beaker sighs as he pushes the button, and suddenly a propeller ejects from the back of the bike and it carries Beaker over the open bridge.)
AN AMAZED BEAKER: Mee, meep?
(The other cyclists and Telly were too busy watching the boats to notice that Beaker was hovering over the open bridge.)
TELLY: Well, it looks like the last of the boats have passed, so the bridge should be closing any minute.
COUNT: That was 128 beautiful boats! HA HA HA HA! (The Count’s trademark lightning appears, striking the propeller on Beaker’s bike.)
BEAKER: MEEEEEEEP! (Beaker was about to fall into the water, until the bridge closed on him. We see Beaker’s head sticking out of the bridge.)
TELLY: Now that the bridge is closed, our bikers can continue the race. Say, what happened to Beaker?
(Beaker painfully twists his head around and sees the three bikers pedaling with all their might. Some dust appears and when it clears, we see a flattened Beaker’s head stuck on the bridge. Beaker’s cell phone rings again and he hits the loudspeaker button.)
BUNSEN: Oh, I’m sorry about that Beaker. But don’t worry. The bridge will open up again in an hour and you’ll be free.
BEAKER(in a flattened voice): MEEP!
* * * * * *
TELLY: And there you have the latest update on our bicycle race. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: And there you have Day 11 of our exciting and pretty weird sporting event. This is Lewis Kazagger saying see you next time for Day 12 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman saying don’t let the weight of the world stop you from going out and fulfilling your dreams! (Then a huge 20 ton weight lands on the Newsman squashing him flat.)
LEWIS(shaking his head): You’d think he’d learn to watch his mouth after all these years of things landing on him. Don’t worry, Newsie. A personal announcers’ doctor is on his way to help you.
(But it turns out that the doctor was a green furry monster. He tries to enter the announcer booth, but he ends up getting zapped by the monster detector Newsie had installed earlier.)
AN ANGRY DR. MONSTER: What is this, a joke?! I’ve heard of apples keeping the doctors away, but this is totally twisted! So long, you’re on your own here! (And Dr. Monster takes out a golf club and walks away.)
LEWIS(peeking under the weight): Sorry, Newsie. No doctor for you today! But I’ll see if I can find you a tire pump and pump up back into shape!
NEWSMAN(in a muffled voice): Thanks Lewis. Camera off, now!
(Camera goes off.)
Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome to Day 12 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And I’m the, I can’t believe I’m still alive, Newsman.
LEWIS: And today, we’ll be bringing you that exciting and terrifying event, Scaring People.
A NERVOUS NEWSMAN: Scaring People?!
* * * * * *
* * * * * *
LEWIS: That’s right, Newsie. Scaring people has been a favorite sport of the Muppet Monsters for years. Just take a look at these clips from the scaring champions of the past. Note, those of you who are monsterphobics might want to turn your heads.
NEWSMAN: Thanks for the advice!
(We see clips from classic Muppet shows like Sam and Friends, Ed Sullivan, classic Sesame Street, and the Muppet Show where it showed all kinds of scary monsters charging, growling, and even eating people.)
NEWSMAN(covering his face with his hands): Is it over?
LEWIS: Yes, the clips are done. And now for the exciting part, we have a retired Scaring People champion here in our announcer booth and we’re going to be interviewing him.
NEWSMAN: You’re kidding?!
LEWIS: Do I look like a kid?! And here he is, Mr. Beautiful Day Monster. (From the desk, rises a big blue tall monster with black eyebrows, huge eyeballs, and a big blue mouth. He also had lots of gold medals around his neck.)
NEWSMAN: I just remembered! I left my keys burning in the oven. I’ll be right back…
A NERVOUS NEWSMAN: Yes, sir!
LEWIS: Now, Mr. Beautiful Day Monster….
MONSTER: Please, call me B.D. I like that better.
BD: Yeah, it stands for BAD! Because the girlies say that monster is one bad….”
NEWSMAN: Please, watch your language. (BD grabs Newsman by the neck.)
BD(in a polite voice): I’m just talking ‘bout me! (Then he drops Newsie back in his chair.)
LEWIS: Okay, BD. They say you were the scaring champion back in the 60s and 70s and you’ve won many gold medals and trophies for your acts of terror and traumatizing people for life. Mind if I ask you what is your secret?
BD: Not at all! I always start each morning with a healthy breakfast of toast with people.
LEWIS: Did you say people?
BD: Oops, did I say people? I meant to say toast with peanut butter. And then I spend my mornings exercising my scaring moves. I do this by growling at pictures of people before I go out and scare the real things. I mostly like to practice on pictures of celebrities. (BD takes out a photo of Bob Goldthwait.) Someday, I would love to have a screaming match with the great Bobcat.
LEWIS: Can you please show us a demonstration of your scaring talent?
NEWSMAN: No, don’t ask him that!
BD: Well, I’m sort of a retired champion now and my doctor told me to cut back on the scares.
NEWSMAN: Thank goodness! I mean, thank goodness for doctors.
BD: But I suppose I can spare one tiny scare! (BD takes a deep breath and lets out a loud growl, chasing Newsman out of the booth leaving a Newsman shaped hole in the wall!)
LEWIS: That’s a tiny scare?!
BD: Of course. This is my biggest scare! (BD takes an even deeper breath and is about to let out an even growl, but then a PLEASE STAND BY card appears on the screen.)
VOICE: Due to The Beautiful Day Monster’s reputation of causing ultimate terror, that scare scene had been censored for the safety of little children and people with heart conditions.
(When the screen comes back, we see a Lewis shaped hole in the wall and BD Monster standing there all alone. BD sees he’s still on camera and picks up one of the table microphones.)
BD: My fellow monsters. Keep working hard and keep believing and scaring and one day, you too can become a scaring champion like moi! (Then BD eats the microphone.)
* * * * * *
(Down in the stadium, we see the 4 teams gathered around the referee who was explaining the rules about Scaring People.)
REFEREE: All right teams, here are the official Scaring People rules. Each of you will send your chosen scarer into the city. And whoever scares the most people today wins. But you will lose points if you eat any of the people you scare.
SWEETUMS: You mean I can’t eat anyone? AWWW! And I starved myself all day for this event!
REFEREE: Okay, teams. Everyone return to your dugouts and choose the athlete who will be competing and send them out into the city so they can start scaring.
(The teams went back to their dugouts.)
KERMIT: Okay, Sweetums! Are you ready to go out there and scare us some points?
SWEETUMS: Sorry, Kermit. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to eat the people I scare. That’s kind of my specialty scaring technique. And besides, I can’t scare anyone on an empty stomach.
KERMIT: What are you saying?
SWEETUMS: I’m saying I can’t compete in this event! I’m going to a pizza parlor and order a pizza with everything, including a kitchen sink. Smell you later, Kermit! (And Sweetums rushes out the stadium door leaving a befuddled Kermit.)
KERMIT: Listen up, everyone! We got ourselves a crisis. Sweetums has just abandoned us and I need someone else to compete in the scaring event. Who here is an expert scarer?
FLOYD: How about Miss. Piggy?
PIGGY: Moi, scare people? You must be joking!
FLOYD: Just march out there in a string bikini and watch everyone scream and gouge out their eyes! HEH HEH HEH!
PIGGY: Oh yeah! How about I make you the scariest thing on Earth by removing your face?! (Kermit quickly holds Piggy back.)
GONZO: I can do a stunt that’ll actually kill me and scare a whole nation!
KERMIT: Thanks for the offer, Gonzo. But we don’t need to go that far!
PEPE: Hey, Fozzie. Bears are good at scaring people, why don’t you go out there and growl like a wild bear, okay?
FOZZIE: Pepe, I’m not that kind of Bear. I belong to the bear species known as cutius and cuddlius! All I know how to do is tell funny jokes!
PEPE: On second thought, just go out there and tell jokes, okay! That’ll send ‘em screaming!
GONZO: Hey, Floyd. Why don’t you send Animal out and scare people? He’s really good at that stuff.
FLOYD: Sorry, but Animal’s at the vet right now getting his shots. And knowing Animal, those doctors holding those needles will probably need doctors themselves if they try to stick our Animal.
KERMIT: Come on, guys. Will you get serious? Isn’t there anyone here who’s an expert scarer?
CUTE VOICE: Ahem! (Kermit looks down and sees the cute little Bean Bunny smiling at him.)
KERMIT: Bean Bunny? You’re an expert scarer?
BEAN: Does a rainbow have 7 colors?
KERMIT: But Bean, you’re specialty is being cute. How can you scare people?
BEAN: I’ll have you know that underneath this sugary cute hide, is a secret darkness waiting to jump out and pounce at innocent citizens.
KERMIT: But Bean….
BEAN: Kermit, trust me, please! (Bean starts giving Kermit the cute bunny-eye stare.)
KERMIT: Oh, all right. Bean, go out there and give us your scaring best!
BEAN: Thank you Kermit! (Beans hops out the door while singing, “LA, LA, LA, LA!” Everyone became shocked at Kermit’s decision.)
FOZZIE: Kermit, why did you choose Bean?!
KERMIT: Sorry, everyone. But I can’t resist his cute adorable eyes!
PIGGY: But Kermie. I have even cuter adorable eyes and you’ve always seem to resist me all the time!
KERMIT(trying to change the subject): Uh, um, hey everyone. Let’s all try to remain optimistic here! Somehow, I have this gut feeling that Bean will pull through for us!
PEPE: Gut feeling? You mean like frog guts?! Yechh!
* * * * * *
(In the Sesame dugout.)
BERT: I tell you, Ern. We got this event in the bag.
ERNIE: We have, Bert?
BERT: Of course! Sesame Street is famous for our monster surplus population. And we got lots of monsters on our team. Surely, one of them is a champion scarer.
(When Ernie and Bert entered the locker room, they find lots of monsters like Grover, Herry, Elmo, and many more. But they weren’t scary at all. All the monsters had cute faces and were playing sweet games like patty cake and Ring Around the Rosie.)
BERT: Wait a minute! None of these monsters are scary at all! They’re all cute and adorable!
GROVER: Thank you! I always get called cute and adorable! Mainly, I am the one who mostly calls me that.
BERT: But where are all the scary monsters?! The ones with dark fur, hairy eyebrows, and sharp teeth?! The ones that always growled, jumped on people, and shout WUBBA WUBBA?!
HERRY: Sorry, Bert. But we Sesame Street monsters don’t do that scaring stuff anymore.
ERNIE: But why, Herry?
HERRY: Back in the 60s and 70s, Sesame monsters used to be famous for scaring people, but angry parents and teachers complained that we’ve been terrifying innocent little kids, sending them running out of the rooms crying and even giving them nightmares. We monsters felt bad about that, so we all got ourselves fur cuts, shed our sharp teeth, and took night classes on how to act cute and friendly. That made kids like us a lot better and we kind of like it too, right guys?
ALL THE MONSTERS: YAAAY!
ERNIE(in tears): Aw, that is such a sweet story! Aren’t you glad we don’t have anymore scary monsters on Sesame Street, Bert?
BERT: Normally, I would be full of joy about this! But we have a Scaring People event coming up! What are we going to do about this?!
MUMFORD’S VOICE: (Perhaps I can be of service!)
ERNIE AND BERT: Mumford?!(Suddenly a puff of smoke appeared, and there standing in the middle of the room was Mumford the Magician.)
MUMFORD: Yes, it is I. The Amazing Mumford! Here to solve your scaring problem!
ERNIE: Are you going to be the one who competes in the Scaring People event?
MUMFORD: Yes, you might say that! With a wave of my wand, I’ll create a really scary monster that will scare lots of people in the city!
BERT: Can you really do that?
MUMFORD: But of course! Thanks to me, the scary monster population is not going extinct anytime soon! Here we go! (Mumford waves his wand): Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches! (A puff of smoke appears and everyone was expecting to see a scary monster, but instead, they see something else on the floor.)
ERNIE: It’s a small peanut butter sandwich!
MUMFORD: Oops! How’d that happen?
BERT: How’s a peanut butter sandwich supposed to scare millions of people?!
ERNIE: Maybe if all those millions of people are on a low carb diet! KEE HEE HEE!
BERT: Very funny, Ernie! I’d better pick up this sandwich before it attracts bugs! (Just as Bert was about to touch the sandwich, it sprouted scary eyes and showed fangs on the top part of the bread. The sandwich started to growl and almost snapped off Bert’s hand.)
BERT: Let me out of here! (Bert starts to run off while the monster sandwich hops after him.)
ERNIE: Poor Bert! He’s got himself in a sticky situation!
MUMFORD: I think I remember why the spell failed! A mere magic wand isn’t enough to create a scary monster. I’m going to need more heavy duty equipment. I’ll be right back. (Mumford leaves the locker room in a puff of smoke.)
* * * * * *
(We see Lewis next to some large computer)
LEWIS: This here is the Scream-o-meter. This’ll measure how many screams of terror our contestants will cause the victims. And as we watch on the huge TV screen up above, we see a bunch of innocent New Yorkers, unaware that their every day lives are about to be disrupted by acts of terror. And look, here comes the scarer for the Muppet Show team. It’s Bean Bunny?
(We see Bean happily hopping down the street holding a basket of eggs.)
LADY: Aw, isn’t that bunny so cute?! (Everyone gathers around to look at the cute little bunny.)
BEAN: Aw, thank you everyone! Have an egg on me! (Bean starts handing out colored eggs to everyone.)
LEWIS: It appears that Bean isn’t trying to scare everyone. Instead, he’s giving out what looks like colored eggs. And it’s not even Easter!
* * * * * *
FOZZIE: Bean’s giving out Easter Eggs? Kermit, how’s that supposed to scare people?
KERMIT(shaking his head in disappointment): To tell you the truth, Fozzie. I have no idea!
* * * * * *
(Once everyone on the street had received an egg, Bean bowed to everyone and hopped away. Bean hopped into a nearby alley, took out a remote control, and smiled a cute, but wicked, smile.)
BEAN: Operation, Yolks on You Folks, ready to commence! Password, Anti-Cute!
(The people looked at their eggs and noticed that they were starting to hatch. Just then, some puffs of smoke appeared, and when the smoke cleared, all the people found themselves face to face with a bunch of small robot dinosaurs with sharp teeth. The robo-saurs growled at the people and they all ran away screaming while the robo-saurs chased after them. Then Bean walks up to the screen.)
BEAN: And there you have it, folks! The robot dinosaurs hatching from small colored eggs prank. I love the classics! And don’t worry, they won’t eat these people, just take little nips on their little bu…, WHOOPS! I mean fannies!
A SURPRISED LEWIS: Yes, sports fans. Bean seems to have pulled it off and according to the Scream-o-meter, Bean has gotten 78 screams and rising! Who would’ve thought such a cute bunny could be filled with such sinister sugar?!
* * * * * *
FOZZIE: Did you see that? I would never think to pull a prank like that!
GONZO: Bean has a more twisted mind than I do!
A SURPRISED KERMIT: Yes, Bean seems to have done it! I should definitely put that bunny into therapy!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: This is the Newsman reporting from the Fraggle dugout, where I’m standing next to Gobo, the leader of the Fraggle team. Now Gobo, have you selected a scarer to go out and scare a bunch of citizens?
GOBO: Yes we have. We’ve chosen him since the beginning of this tournament.
NEWSMAN: And which Fraggle will be competing in this event?
GOBO: I never said he’d be a Fraggle.
NEWSMAN: Come again?
GOBO: Just watch the screen. He should be showing up any minute now.
(Everyone watches the screen and we see another section of New York where citizens were minding their own business. Just then, they hear some quiet stomping sounds, then the stomping started to get louder and louder. A guy looks into his coffee cup and sees the coffee shaking. Just then, a huge shadow covers the citizens. They scream and run away in panic as they saw a huge giant with brown fur looking down at them.)
A SHOCKED NEWSMAN: What the heck is that?!
GOBO: Meet Junior Gorg. The athlete I selected to be our scarer.
JUNIOR: Oh boy! Humans! I’m gonna catch you all! (Junior whips out a cage and starts grabbing handfuls of helpless humans and puts them in the cage.)
NEWSMAN: What’s he doing?! He’s not gonna eat all those people, is he?!
GOBO: No, don’t worry. Before the event, I informed Junior that eating the people he scares is against the rules. He told me he won’t be doing that. (Newsie sighs of relief.) And then he mumbled something about locking the humans away in his room forever and feeding them bugs. (Newsman makes another worried face and turns to Lewis.)
NEWSMAN: What’s Junior’s score on the Scream-o-matic, Lewis?
LEWIS: Well Newsie, it looks like Junior has gotten 130 screams, putting him ahead of the Muppet Show team. And it looks like he got half the number of people he scared in that cage of his.
(Junior walks through the city carrying a cage filled with frightened and screaming humans.)
JUNIOR: Don’t worry little people! You’ll love living with me and my Ma and Pa. And if Ma tries to hit you with her rolling pin, please don’t take it personally. She just needs some time to get used to you.
(Just then, Junior stops in silence and ends up dropping his cage causing all the people to escape and run away.)
JUNIOR(with a mesmerized look): She’s beautiful! (Junior starts to run into the water and heads over to Staten Island. He then looks at the Statue of Liberty and wraps his arms around her.) You’re the most beautiful girl Gorg I’ve ever met. Actually, you’re the first girl Gorg I’ve ever met! Oh, my dream has come true! (Junior starts kissing the statue while the statue suddenly makes a silent sour face.)
* * * * * *
STATLER: Oh, that poor old girl!
WALDORF: I’ve heard of loving Lady Liberty, but this is ridiculous!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Well, after seeing that frightening and sickening display from the Fraggle team, let’s check with the Big Blue House team. (Newsie approaches Bear.) Tell me, Bear. Are you going to go out there and act like a real wild bear, growling at everyone?
BEAR: Oh no, Mr. Newsman. I’m not competing in this event. Someone else from my team is.
NEWSMAN: No offense, but that might be a little difficult since all the members on your team are so cute and adorable.
BEAR: Our teammate will be ready for scaring as soon as the sun goes down, which should be right now.
(Sure enough, the sun was gone at it became night with a bright full moon. Everyone looked at the screen and saw some people walking calmly in the beautiful moonlight.)
NEWSMAN: Um, Mr. Bear. We don’t see any people getting scared yet, just a quiet night with a beautiful full moon. Where is this scarer?
BEAR(pointing up): You’re looking at her. Okay, Luna. You’re on! (Just then, the moon started to turn around and there was a scary monster mask on the surface of the moon. Everyone in New York started to scream and panic as well as the people in the stadium, and Newsman who hid behind Bear’s back.)
NEWSMAN: Now, that there’s one out of this world scaring trick! Mr. Bear, how were you able to put all that stuff on the moon?
BEAR: Huh, huh. It’s easy when you’re good friends with the moon, herself.
A PUZZLED NEWSMAN: Herself?!
BEAR: Thank you, Luna. (The mask suddenly floated off the moon, showing off a sweet woman’s face. The moon smiled, winked at Bear, and floated even further into the night sky.) Mr. Newsman, I’d like you to meet Luna. She’s the moon.
A SHOCKED NEWSMAN: Those who’ve created the theory about the Man in the Moon are gonna be totally disappointed. Uh, Lewis. How did the Big Blue House team do?
LEWIS: Well Newsie, according to the Scare-o-meter, it looks like that big moon scare has frightened the entire city along with the half the world where it’s night right now, putting the Big Blue House team in the lead.
NEWSMAN: Wow, half the world! That’s gotta be tough to beat for the Sesame Street team who so far, hasn’t scared anyone yet. Let’s check on their progress. (Newsie heads over to the Sesame dugout and approaches Ernie and Bert.)
NEWSMAN: Now, Ernie. I’ve heard that Sesame Street is famous for its monster population. Are you going to send one of those monsters out into the street to scare lots of people, which hopefully I won’t be one of those people?
ERNIE: Actually, no. The Amazing Mumford was supposed to be competing in this event, but he had to leave to get something.
(Just then, a puff of smoke happened, and Mumford was back with a huge black cauldron over a fire.)
BERT: Mumford, you’re back!
MUMFORD: Yes, it is I, the Amazing Mumford! And I have come back with some magic equipment that’ll help us win this event.
ERNIE: Is that an actual witch’s cauldron?
MUMFORD: Yes it is, my boy. I got it cheap from a W-bay auction.
MUMFORD: It’s an on-line bidding store for witches and warlocks. And I was lucky to be the highest bidder.
BERT: So, will this help us win the Scaring People event or what?
MUMFORD: But of course. All I have to do is mix these magic ingredients together and I can summon a terrifying force that’ll frighten millions of people.
ERNIE: Oh boy! Isn’t that exciting, Bert?
BERT: Normally, I’d be really, REALLY, against this! But I really do want our team to catch up. So mix away, Mumford.
MUMFORD(dragging in a shopping cart): Gladly. First, I’ll take two cups of snail slime. One spider web, one old snake skin, one lizard’s tail still wiggling, and finally, some 6 year old peanut butter sandwiches with green mold!
OSCAR: What a waste of perfectly moldy sandwiches!
(Once the ingredients were mixed, the brew inside the cauldron started to bubble and boil. Then, the dugout started to become dark. Ernie and Bert held each other in terror as they saw some dark smoke with red eyes rise from the cauldron and up into the night sky.)
ERNIE: Bert, what’s happening?!
BERT: I don’t know, Ernie. And I don’t think I really want to know!
MUMFORD: And now for the scary magic words! Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches Before Bed Gives You Nightmares! (The dark cloud starts to cover the night sky while everyone in the stadium started to shake and hold each other in fear. And it looked like the cloud had covered the entire world as well.)
NEWSMAN(hiding under a bench, shaking): What evil has this magician released?!
(Then the black smoke started to take the form of a man in a business suit. Everyone in the world looked up and surprised at the huge business man covering the sky.)
MAN: Attention people of the world. I am the president of all TV networks of the world! And I’ve decided that I’m canceling all sitcoms, cartoons, game shows, and any shows that are wholesome and decent. From now on, the only shows that are going to be on the air are sleazy talk shows and reality shows! Have a nice day! (Then the man disappeared in a puff of smoke.)
(That did it! The entire world started to panic. You can hear screams from the US, England, France, Germany, China, Japan, and even undiscovered island countries where natives, who have never even heard of TV, were screaming in panic.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: I don’t believe this! (Lewis was watching the Scream-o-meter blowing out smoke and sparks.) That world wide scaring stunt has caused almost the entire world to freak out in a total panic! That makes the Sesame team the winner!
A SHOCKED BERT: You mean we actually won?!
ERNIE: Yes, we did! Yay for Mumford! (The entire Sesame team cheers for Mumford. The blushing magician takes a bow.)
MUMFORD: Thank you, my friends. I’m quite surprised about that trick myself.
* * * * * *
STATLER(trying to catch his breath): I tell you Waldorf, seeing that display of terror almost took away what’s left of my lifespan. Um, Waldorf? Waldorf?! (Statler looks shocked as he sees Waldorf on the floor breathing hard.)
WALDORF(gasping): My pacemaker! It needs a jumpstart!
STATLER: Hold on, soldier. Statler’s here for you! (Statler reaches into his coat and pulls out two jumper cables.) I’ll recharge your pacemaker with mine. CLEAR! (We see the electricity flow through the wires connected to Statler and into Waldorf’s body. Waldorf gets a huge electric shock and leaps up all well.)
WALDORF: Wheh! What a relief! Thanks old friend.
STATLER: Wow, that scary thing you saw in the sky must’ve really short circuited you.
WALDORF: Sky? I was busy looking through my wallet. I just discovered my ATM card expired today! And I have no money to eat at Golden Corral tonight! That would make anyone faint! Can I borrow some bucks from you?
A GRUMPY STATLER: Why you old….!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN(approaches Mumford) Mr. Mumford! That was the most spectacular scaring feat I’ve ever seen! How were you able to create an illusion of a network executive like that?
MUMFORD: Illusion?! That was just something I taped off the news last night.
A SHOCKED NEWSMAN: You mean what that guy in the sky said was real?! Oh no! With nothing but talk shows and reality shows on all the time, all of us news people will be out of work! AAAAAHHHH! (Newsie runs away in a panic.)
ERNIE: Mumford, is what that network executive said was true?
MUMFORD: Nyyahh, it’s all a trick. I just thought I might try to get in a double scare. HA HA!
ERNIE AND BERT: Whew!
BERT: Well Mumford, I must say, you certainly gave Sesame Street back our scaring reputation.
ERNIE: And here comes a group of angry parents and teachers to prove it! (Sure enough, we see a bunch of angry ladies marching up to Mumford.)
MUMFORD: What can I do for you lovely ladies?
LADY 1: It’s what we’re going to do to you!
LADY 2: Didn’t we warn you Sesame Street folk not to scare people anymore? You sent our kids running out of the room crying!
LADY 3: Not to mention our husbands who were also watching! We’re going to put some serious censor hurt on your hide!
A NERVOUS MUMFORD: Um, look at the time! I have a magic act to do in Vegas right now! Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches! (And Mumford disappears in a puff of smoke leaving the ladies all confused.)
LADY 1: Where’d he go?
LADY 2: I don’t know. But someone’s got to take responsibility for that world wide scare!
LADY 3: You two! (She points to Ernie and Bert and the angry ladies march over to the nervous guys.)
BERT: Uh oh! Got any ideas, Ernie?!
ERNIE: Hey ladies, would you like to meet Elmo? (Ernie drags Elmo right in front of the ladies.) Quick, Elmo. Entertain these nice people, will you?
ELMO: Hi! Elmo is so glad to see you all! Wanna watch Elmo dance? (Elmo starts doing a cute little dance causing all the ladies to smile.)
LADY 1: Aw, that’s so sweet! I love Elmo!
LADY 2: Me too. He’s so wholesome!
LADY 3: How could we ever think anything evil ever comes from Sesame Street after seeing this little dearie?
(Elmo continues dancing and singing his LA LA song while Ernie and Bert quietly sneak out the back way.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS (back in his announcer’s booth): And there you have it, sports fans. The Scaring People event ends with the Sesame Street team winning, showing that you can learn all sorts of things from watching Sesame Street, even how to scare the living daylights out of your friends. Now let’s go to Digit with today’s scoring.
* * * * * *
(We see Digit lying on the floor, releasing a lot of sparks from his head, while the scoreboard was all in static.)
LEWIS’S VOICE: Digit, are you all right?
(Digit pushes the restart button on the back of his head and jumps back up.)
DIGIT: I’m fine Lewis. That scare I witnessed sort of took a few save programs out of me! But I’m well enough to give you the scoring. (Digit gives the scoreboard a whack and the numbers reappear.) Well Lewis, it looks like all 4 teams are tied once again with 3 points each. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. Well, sports fans, we got ourselves another tie. Which means, tomorrow will decide who will be the big victor. Be sure to watch the conclusion of the cross country bike race and which team will win the whole thing in the final day of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!
(Newsman comes in dressed as a pizza man while holding a pizza box.)
NEWSMAN: I have a pizza here for a Mr. Kazagger.
LEWIS: Newsie? Why are you delivering my pizza?
NEWSMAN: You might as well start calling me Pizzie now that I’m working as a pizza man! I just took a second job in case we news casters lose our jobs!
LEWIS: Aw, that won’t be happening anytime soon! So just relax. Now give me my pizza.
NEWSMAN: And how about my tip?
LEWIS: Okay, get serious brain surgery someday! You need it! Camera off!
(Camera goes off.)
That was funny, I liked Junior Gorg, and the bits with Sesame Street
As always! These two are very very very funny! I love them! Keep it up!
Thank you. Yeah, I thought a Scaring People contest would fit well in a Muppet competition.
I am quite seriously laughing so hard that I fell down several times and I can't seem to get up any more...
Great job, it'll be sorry to see this end. Do you have an idea who will win, or are you still tring to decide?
I half expected a very bad (but very Muppdt-like) pun with Luna I figured someone would shout "You da moon!" (Instead of "you da man" of course.)
However, since only one person could compete for an event, it wouldn't hve counted in the scaring scoring, and there weren't enough English speakers on the daylight side of the world to make a difference, anyway, despite how scary a pun that just was
Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Yes, my next chapter will be the final day and you'll find out who'll be the big winner of this whole Muppet sporting event. Along with a great closing ceremony.
Where's Rhonda Rat?
Sorry, MuppetDude. But I just didn't have room for Rhonda in my story.
But I am going to use one of the suggestions you sent me in my final chapter. Just wait and see what happens.
Separate names with a comma.