Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[BeakerSqueedom]

Wow, excellent teacher there!

:3 your so lucky. I get faces all the time when I mention muppets ;-;.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 21

Camilla sat cuddled in Gonzo’s arm. Floyd wrapped his arm around Janice’s shoulder. Skeeter shared a soda with Clifford.

Gonzo and Camilla, and Clifford and Skeeter sat on the couch with Robin sat in the middle of the two couples. Floyd and Janice stood behind the couch on one side, with Scooter standing on the other. Rowlf was laying up against the side of the couch with a soda bottle in his hand.

Everyone’s attention was focused on one thing, the television.

"I can’t wait to see Uncle Kermit on Max," Robin said.

"Yeah," Scooter said. "It should be great publicity for the show."

"Who cares about the show?" Floyd asked. "He just better mention our recent relationship success, heh, heh!"

"Speaking of which!" Pepe shouted, popping up behind the couch. "Hit it, hokay?"

Rizzo popped up next to Pepe, both of them peering down at Gonzo. "I can see what’s happ’ning," Rizzo sang. "And d’ey don’t have a clue!"

"Who?" Pepe asked.

"D’ey’ll fall in love," Rizzo continued.
"And here’s da bottom line
Our trio's down to two."

"Since when were we a trio?" Pepe asked.

"Da sweet caress of twilight," Rizzo sang.

"Si, d’ere’s magic everywhere," Pepe sang.

"And wit’ all d’is romantic atmosphere," Rizzo sang.

"Disaster’s in de air!" they harmonized.

"Caaaaaaan you feeeeeeeeel the looooooove tonight?" they both sang off-key.

"Alright, alright," Gonzo said. "Very funny, you guys."

"Brawk," Camilla clucked, snuggling deeper into Gonzo’s side.
"Well d’at worked," Rizzo said sarcastically.

"Si, about as good as Kermin winning Miss Piggy back, hokay?" Pepe said. Both the rat and the prawn made their way to the front of the coffee table in front of the couch and plopped down.

"Hey, at least he’s tryin’," Clifford said.

"A lot more than could be said about you, honey," Skeeter said innocently.
Clifford smirked at Skeeter. "Watch yourself, babe. You’re on my clock tonight," Clifford said.

"Hey!" Scooter shouted. "Keep it to yourself, catfish face!"

"Easy Scooter," Skeeter said, laying her head on Clifford’s shoulder. "Clifford’s just letting off his steam from not having me for so long," she said. "He can let off the rest tonight."

"Oh, come on!" Scooter shouted.

Rowlf shook his head. "There’s one good thing about this whole mess," he said.

"What’s that?" Gonzo asked.

"It makes me realize how happy I am to be single," Rowlf said.

"You can say that again," Scooter said.

"Speak for jourselves, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Agreed," Rizzo said.

"Speakin’ of single," Floyd said. "Where’s Miss P. at anyway?"

"Out with Link, of course," Skeeter said.

"Bragawk," Camilla said.

"Like, I haven’t even seen her today," Janice said.

"Come to think of it," Scooter said. "I haven’t seen her since last night at the show."

"And what a terrible show that was!" Clyde shouted, entering the living room with Butch.

"Terrible?" Clifford asked. "That was the best show I’ve ever been a part of," he said, drawing Skeeter closer.

"He means financially," Butch said, slamming himself down into one of the armchairs.

"We made less than we paid for the tickets!" Clyde said.

"But we the show sold out," Gonzo said.

"We’re talking about our relationship services!" Butch said.

"No wonder you didn’t sell anything," Rowlf said.

"We even gave away all our brochures," Clyde said.

"Isn’t d’at a good t’ing?" Rizzo asked.

"Yeah," Butch said. "Except we found them in all the trash cans through out the theater."

Clifford laughed. "And people say today’s viewers are dumb," he said.

"Speaking of viewers," Robin said. "When does Uncle Kermit’s interview start?" he asked.

"What time is it?" Rowlf asked.

"Quarter past a dime, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Gah, quit talking about money," Butch said.

"His interview starts in fifteen minutes," Scooter said.

"Oh, it’s so exciting!" Bunsen said, running in.

"Hey, hey!" Floyd greeted Bunsen. "Where’s Beaker, man?"

"On a date with a stump, I think," Bunsen said.

"Heh, what a stiff couple," Rizzo said. "Ha ha! Get it, stiff?"

"Bad joke! Bad joke!" Animal shouted.

"Where’d he come from?" Clyde asked.

"Trust me, man," Floyd said. "You don’t wanna know."

"Yeah, he told me once," Johnny Fiama said, entering the madness with all the other Muppets.

"And he’s right," Sal said, next to Johnny. "You don’t wanna know."

"And speaking of bad jokes," Rowlf said. "Whadaya think is so special about what Fozzie wrote for Kermit?"

"I dunno," Robin said. "He wouldn’t even tell me."

"Probably just another round of awful puns," Waldorf said, as he and Statler came out from the kitchen.

They glanced down at Butch and Clyde in the armchairs. "You’re in our seats," Statler said.

"I don’t see your names on them," Clyde said.

"Check under the seat cushion," Waldorf said.

"Seat cushion! Seat cushion!" Animal shouted.

"Chill, baby," Dr. Teeth said, as he and Zoot joined the gang. "We’ve had enough excitement around here lately."

Zoot nodded. "It’s been so hard to get any sleep."

"I give him five minutes," Johnny said to Sal.

"You’re on. Five bucks, five minutes?" Sal asked.

"Deal," Johnny said.

"Hey, hey!" Lew Zealand shouted, running into the room, chasing a boomerang fish. "Has the interview started?"

"Almost," Robin said gleefully.

"Oh, nice timing, Ginger!" Lew said to the fish as he caught it in his hand.

"Five minutes, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Is everybody here?" Robin asked.

"Yader hee la coom!" The Swedish Chef said as he came out of the kitchen, drying his hands.

"Did I miss it?" Beauregard asked, poking his head in.

"No, there’s still five minutes," Sweetums said, stomping into the living room.

"Quatro!" Pepe said.

"Hurry guys!" Robin said.

Rowlf grabbed the remote and turned on the television, flipping to the correct channel.

"Hey, wait for me!" Bean Bunny shouted, hopping into the room.

Bobo came toddling in as well. "Hey, I brought popcorn and made sandwiches. Anyone wnat one?"

"Two minutes, hokay?" Pepe said.

"It’s starting!" Gonzo shouted.

"Quick, Marge, it’s starting!" Sam said.

"Alright, alright," Aunt Marge said as Sam pulled her into the living room. "And you’re sure there aren’t anymore T.V.s in this house?"

"One minute!" Pepe shouted.

"Here it comes!" Robin said happily.

The theme music for Max began to play, it was upbeat and happy and it made every Muppet grin. The rest of the Muppets in the house gathered in the living room to watch Kermit’s interview.

"Good morning, California!" the television announcer said. "You’re watching Max! Today on Max, Max meets Kermit the Frog!" A quick, pre-recorded clip of Kermit waving was shown. "So, get ready, ‘cause it’s time to take it to the Max!"

"Yay, Uncle Kermit!" Robin cheered.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Kermit stood backstage with Fozzie. "You’re sure about this, Fozzie?" Kermit asked his best friend.

"Trust me, Kermit," Fozzie said. "You’ll do fine. I entered the material I wrote for you into the Teleprompter, and everything’s gonna be fine."

Kermit gulped. "I hope you’re right."

"Come on," Fozzie said. "You’ve done a hundred interviews just like this before, what’s the big deal about this one?"

Kermit sighed. "I knew Piggy had my back those other times," Kermit said.

"Kermit," Fozzie said, grabbing the frog, and making Kermit face him. "You will be fine. Just read what I wrote, and say what you need to say."

"And now for my very, very special guest this morning," the host said from out on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, mister Kermit the Frog!"

Kermit smiled at Fozzie. "Thanks Fozzie," Kermit said.

Fozzie shrugged. "It happens every Friday."

Kermit turned towards the stage, took a deep breath, and walked out on stage.

 

[TogetherAgain]

...Dang it, I've taught everyone too well. All the ending-the-chapter/scene-right-at-the-best-possible-moment-for-a-cliffhanger...

Anyway. FRIIIIIIIIIIIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Robin! Butch and Clyde! Statler and Waldorf! THE HAPPY COUPLES! I love Rowlf. Lisa happy.

And PIGGY! PIGGY! YOUR FROG STILL LOVES YOU, PIGGY! WATCH THE SHOW AND THEN COME HOME AND RUN INTO HIS ARMS AND <swoons just thinking about it> <has trouble waking up, what with exhaustion...> <recovers>

PRAWNIE HONEY MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEEEEEEEEEASE! <Snuggles!>

 

[The Count]

*Reads, approves, and grabs next fanfic book on the shelf to get to that update. So great, thanks Prawny, post more please!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Say Ryan, is it just me, or is your school faculty very well speckled with muppet fans?

I loved this last chapter! My favorite bit I think was just the picture of all of them crowding slowly into the living room.

More please!

 

[The Count]

Will you update, update, update sir? Will you post an update today on a Sunday?
Because we want to read it on a Monday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday, a Thursday, a Friday, a Saturday... But we want it posted today!

 

[theprawncracker]

Ummm... I'll try.

 

[The Count]

*In raspy green-fuzzed Groverish voice: Try? Not try... Do!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 22

"You planned this the whole time, didn’t you?" Link asked Miss Piggy.

"Of course," Miss Piggy said. "Now shut up, so I can watch."

Piggy’s eyes were glued to the television screen, where Kermit was being welcomed onto the stage.

"Um, okay," Link said nervously. "But did we have to watch it at a sports bar?"

"It’s the only place in town with a public T.V.," Piggy said. "And besides, if anyone tries to change the channel, I’ll whack ‘em with a pool stick!" Her eyes darted around the bar. "Got it?" she growled at the men in the bar.

<~><~><~><~><~>

The applause finally subsided as Kermit took a seat in a large magenta armchair across from the host. Max was by no means a small man, but he wasn’t obscenely large either, he was in between. He had long sideburns and a funny little tuft of hair on his chin. The frog, needless to say, wasn’t intimidated.

"Welcome, Kermit!" Max said. "It’s great to have you here!"

The audience began applauding again. "Oh, thank you," Kermit said. "Thank you very much, yes." He nodded, grinning. "It’s great to be here, too, Max!"

Max, quieted down the applauding audience. "So, Kermit, what’ve you been up to lately?" Max asked.

"Oh, you know," Kermit said. "Same old, same old."

"Oh, really?" Max asked. "Because from what we’ve all heard, there’s some trouble in paradise." Max crossed one leg over the other. "What went wrong with the relationship, Kerm?" Max asked. "Miss Piggy get tired of you not bringing home the bacon?"

The audience laughed (just as the cue cards told them to). Kermit smirked. "Yeah, that’s cute," he said. "Real funny, Max."

"But seriously, Kermit, what happened? We’ve all seen the tabloid tales, but what we want is the true story," Max said.

Kermit glanced at the Teleprompter, it was blank. He frowned, then realized he had frowned in front of a live studio audience. "Erm, uh, well," Kermit thought aloud. "Miss Piggy and I... well..." Kermit gulped. "Alright," he said finally. "You want the true story?" he asked.

The audience applauded and cheered. "That’s probably a yes, Kerm," Max said.

Kermit took a deep breath. "Alright, here it is, the truth, at last," Kermit said.

"Right after these messages!" Max said, looking directly at the camera.

"Figures..." Kermit mumbled.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Rip-off! Rip-off!" Animal shouted.

"Man, what’s he doin’?" Clifford asked.

"Telling de truth, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Like, rully," Janice said. "Honorable frog."

"Yeah, if he tells the real truth," Floyd said.

"How can it be da truth if it’s not real?" Rizzo asked.

"It can’t," Scooter said.

"So he’s gonna tell the real truth?" Gonzo asked.

"I think that would be redundant," Bunsen said.

"So he’s not telling the truth?" Beauregard asked.

"Sh!" Robin said. "It’s starting again!"

<~><~><~><~><~>

"And we’re back!" Max said to the camera. "With Kermit the Frog, ready to reveal the truth! Isn’t that right Kermit?"

"That’s right, Max," Kermit said.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Max asked. "You’ve got half the audience hyperventilating!"

Kermit chuckled. "Alright, alright." Kermit sighed, and took a deep breath. "The truth is, I insulted Miss Piggy."

The audience gasped in unison. "Really?" Max asked, leaning in closer. "What did you say to her?"

"Oh, just that, well..." Kermit was tongue tied (which really wasn’t that difficult for him). "I sort of told her she was wrong-"

"Ah, I can see how that would get her roasted," Max said.

"Uh, the term is steamed," Kermit said.

"I prefer my pork roasted," Max said.

The audience laughed. "Ah ha," Kermit said. "But, um, anyway, I told her she was wrong... all the time."

The audience grew angered with Kermit, a few of them even started booing him. "Easy, easy," Max said. "And so, you told her she was wrong-"

"All the time, yes," Kermit said.

"And she ditched you and went for Luke?" Max asked.

"Link," Kermit said.

"Ah, Link, yes," Max said. "Tell us a little more about him. You live with him, don’t you?"

"Um, well, yes, but-"

"So she dumped you for your roommate?" Max asked.

"Well now you’re just twisting things up!" Kermit shouted. He glanced around at the stunned audience and cleared his throat. "What I mean is... he’s not my roommate. He just lives in the house with me, and all of the other Muppets."

"So Miss Piggy lives with him too?" Max asked.

"Well... yes," Kermit said.

"And you knew about this?" Max asked.

Kermit twisted up his face. "Well I live there too."

"Geez!" Max shouted. "I thought this was Max, not Jerry Springer!"

The audience started laughing again and applauded Max’s joke. Kermit shook his head. "I really don’t understand what that has to do with anything," Kermit said.

"It’s a joke, frog," Max said. "So, now, tell us, where is Miss Piggy right now?"

"Um, well, I don’t actually know, really," Kermit said softly.

"Oh, that’s too bad," Max said. "You think she’s watching?"

"I certainly hope so," Kermit said sincerely, looking straight at the camera.

"Then we won’t run the bacon commercial," Max said. "We’ll be right back with more Kermit the Frog!"

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Oh, look at that, would ya? He misses her!"

"Ain’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen?"

"I get all teary eyed at this lovey dovey stuff."

Miss Piggy rolled her eyes at the bikers in the sports bar. "And I wondered why I don’t go to sports bars..."

"Pass the handkerchief, please," Link said, sniffing back tears.

"Oh come on!" Piggy said. "This is nothing! You should’ve seen the kiss he gave me that one Christmas... there wasn’t even a mistletoe!"

"Well then why’d ya ditch him?" one of the men in the bar asked.

"He seems so sweet," another guy said.

"Yeah well," Piggy said, turning back to the television. "You heard what he said he said about me. Moi am not wrong all of the time."

"You ditched the caring frog to go with this dolt?" a biker asked, pointing at Link.

"Yeah," Piggy said.

"Well you’re certainly wrong a lot lately," another biker said.

"Agreed," Link said.

Piggy growled and turned up the volume on the television with the remote control. "Ah, shut up, I love this commercial."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Kermit darted backstage, stopping in front of Fozzie. "You’re doing great out there, pal of mine!" Fozzie said cheerfully.

"Fozzie, are you kidding?" Kermit asked. "I’m dying out there!"

"Well, I was trying to be nice about it... but, yeah," Fozzie said. "You need more puns."

"I’d use more puns, if you’d written some for me," Kermit said. "I thought you said you wrote something."

"I did," Fozzie said.

"Well where is it?" Kermit asked.

"I put it into the Teleprompter," Fozzie said. "I thought I told you that."

"You did," Kermit said. "But there’s nothing on the Teleprompter, Fozzie!"

"Not yet," Fozzie said. "You have to be patient, Kermit."

"But Fozzie, I can only be so patient when I don’t have any material to work off of," Kermit said.

"I’m telling you, frog, there is material, you just have to wait for it," Fozzie said.

"But- Fozzie, I- Fozzie!" Kermit said.

"Hurry, the show’s coming back on," Fozzie said. "Here, take this," Fozzie said, putting a trench coat on Kermit. "You look cold."

"I’m not cold!" Kermit said.

"But you look cold," Fozzie said.

"Fozzie, I’m not cold!" Kermit said.

"You’re cold! Now get back out there!" Fozzie said, pushing Kermit back on stage.

Kermit shook his head and walked back out on stage wearing the trench coat. The cameras came back on, and Kermit grumbled.

"Getting cold feet, Kermit?" Max asked with a smirk.

"I’m a frog," Kermit said. "I always have cold feet."

Max laughed. "Of course, how could I forget?"

Max began to ramble off random questions to Kermit, but the frog was distracted. Out of the corner of his Saturn-shaped eye, he caught a glimpse of words moving across the Teleprompter. Finally, he thought. He cleared his throat, quieting Max, and read off the Teleprompter. "Max, be quiet," Kermit said, not realizing what he was saying.

"I’m sorry, but, what?" Max asked.

"Uh, well, what I mean is-" Kermit gulped, and continued reading off the Teleprompter. "I need to say something."

"Oh," Max said. "Well all you had to do was say something! You have our full attention," Max said.

Kermit hesitated, then stood up. His eyes read across the words on the Teleprompter. [Reach into your pocket], it read. "Frogs don’t have pockets," he mumbled.

"That’s your big announcement?" Max asked.

"Oh, no, sorry!" Kermit said. He shoved his hand into the trench coat pocket, his eyes grew even wider as he felt what was inside it. His eyes darted offstage too look at Fozzie, who was pointing him towards the Teleprompter.

The entire studio had grown silent. No one so much as breathed as Kermit read the Teleprompter.

<~><~><~><~><~>

The Muppet Boarding House was uncharacteristically quiet as well. Not a sound was made, and all Muppet eyes were glued on the television set, and all Muppets were leaned in as close as they could without falling off their respective pieces of furniture.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"What’s it say? What’s it say?" one of the bikers asked, jumping in his seat.

"Cram it!" Piggy shouted, waiting for the frog to speak.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Kermit let go of all restraints. He put what had happened behind him, and focused on the moment. This was it. This was the moment. He took in all the air he possibly could and let it out.

The frog dropped down on one knee, whipped out a diamond ring, and displayed it proudly in front of the camera.

"Miss Piggy," Kermit the Frog said loud and proud. "Will you marry me?"

 

[TogetherAgain]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<TOTALLY GLOMPS THE PRAWN!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <Restrains from squealing so as not to wake family members> <faints because of that>