Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[The Count]

Good chapter... The banter between Max and Kermit shows that this guy's a talk show reject. The backstage talk between Kermit and Fozzie was well done... But the ending, hu-boy. Uh Prawny? You wouldn't take it too hard if I said... It's a bit too cliche of an ending? Why does it feel that every nice lovy-duvy fanfic here have to end with the frog proposing to the pig? It works very well for certain people given their writing style, but I feel it's been pretty much overdone lately. And now I have to look forward to the rest of this story and the rest of Heart of Gold knowing there'll be weddings in both twixst the host and the diva. Just my feelings, hope it's not too much of a downer. Post mor though.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Whoa! Was NOT expecting that! Must read what happens next! Please, post more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 23

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Beer mugs shattered, as did eardrums.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Aunt Marge crashed with a thud.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Move it or lose it!" Piggy screamed, running towards the door of the bar.

"Hey, what about me?" Link asked.

Piggy whipped around and glared at Link. "You are the weakest, Link, goodbye!"

Link frowned and stood in the doorway of the bar as Piggy darted down the sidewalk.

"Oh, hey, I get it," one of the bikers said.

Piggy didn’t have time to grab her heels and throw them off, she just pushed them off her feet as she ran down the sidewalk, she didn’t even stop to pick them up.

"TAXI!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. "TAX- Oh, forget it!" She continued running down the street. She was sure the pain she was experiencing would kick in later, but right now, she didn’t care. She just kept running.

<~><~><~><~><~>

No one so much as glanced at Aunt Marge, who was collapsed on the floor in shock. All Muppet jaws were dropped as they watched Kermit on the television.

"Wow."

"Like... rully."

"Holy guacamole, hokay?"

"I don’t believe d’is."

"Fozzie wrote that?"

"Bawk brawk bawk."

"Gloo hoor de piggy!"

"Yeah, what they said."

"Oh, it’s so romantic."

"Are you crying?"

"No, no! It’s- it’s my boomerang fish!"

Robin looked around during all of the mayhem ensuing. "Well, it’s about time," he said.

All of the Muppet silenced immediately. Gonzo looked down at the little frog and put his arm around him. "Yeah," Gonzo said. "Yeah it is."

"Agreed," Rowlf said, sitting up.

"I thought you were happy being single?" Skeeter said.

"I am," Rowlf said. "But I know Kermit isn’t."

"I wonder what she’ll say, eh?" Johnny said.

"She’s gonna say yes, obviously," Sal said.

"I dunno," Johnny said. "I’ve never seen her that angry."

"Bet ya ten bucks she says yes," Sal said.

"Deal."

"Why’s Kermit just standing there?" Scooter asked, pointing at the television. Kermit was knelt down with the ring still in his hand.

"He’s waiting for an answer," Gonzo said.

"Do you think Miss P. saw the show?" Floyd asked.

"Since when do you care?" Clifford asked.

"Man, you know I’m helplessly romantic," Floyd said.

"You should see some of the songs he writes," Dr. Teeth said.

"But do you think she saw the interview?" Bean asked.

"Well we have to find her and find out, hokay?" Pepe said.

"But how are we supposed to find her?" Scooter asked. "She could be anywhere!"

"Fortunately," Dr. Honeydew said. "I had planned on something like this happening one day, so I placed a teeny microchip on one of Miss Piggy’s gloves."

"How the heck did you do that, man?" Floyd asked.

"It’s built in the shape of a diamond ring," Bunsen said.

"Oh," all of the Muppets said.

"Well, what are waiting for?" Gonzo asked. "We’ve got a pig to track!"

"Si, si, let’s do it, hokay?"

"How do we track her, anyway, Dr. ‘dew?" Clifford asked.

"Beaker," Bunsen said blankly.

"What?" Rizzo asked.

"Yes, whenever he’s close enough to Miss Piggy, he receives a small jolt of electricity," Bunsen said.

"Fine," Clifford said. "Where is carrot-top anyway?"

"On a date with a stump," Bunsen said.

"Somehow, I’m not surprised," Rowlf said.

"Well then, come on!" Robin said. "Let’s find Beaker first, then find Miss Piggy!"

"We’ll take the bus!" Dr. Teeth said.

"Tot he bus!" Butch said.

"Yeah, the bus!" Clyde said.

The Muppets flooded out of the house and into the Electric Mayhem bus. Dr. Teeth climbed into the driver’s seat and started the bus engine. Sam Eagle stood at the door of the bus. "C’mon, Sam," Dr. Teeth said. "We’ve gotta move!"

"Um, I’ll stay here," Sam said. "With Marge."

"Hey, it’s your funeral!" Floyd said.

"Go, go, go!" Pepe shouted.

"Pig! Pig!" Animal chanted, with his head stuck out one of the bus windows as the bus pulled away.

"Finally," Sam said. "Some peace and quiet."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Max sat dumbfounded against his chair. The audience sat dumbfounded in their chairs. The cameraman stood dumbfounded behind the camera.

Kermit the Frog couldn’t move.

"Do we... do we cut to commercial?" one of the men in the sound booth asked.

"We can’t... can we?" another asked.

"We’ve got to wait for a response, don’t we?"

"How do we even know she saw the show?"

"We... we don’t."

"Then do we cut to commercial or not?"

"I don’t know!"

<~><~><~><~><~>

Piggy kept running, she didn’t even know where she was going, but she kept running.

A squeaky horn honked behind her, but she didn’t have time to look back at it. She just kept running.

The horn honked again. She was growing annoyed with it and just waved the vehicle past her.

"Miss Piggy!" came a familiar voice from the Electric Mayhem bus that pulled in front of her. It was Robin, his head sticking out the window. "Hop on!"

"I’m not a frog, Robin, I can’t hop!" Piggy said. "And besides, I don’t have time to stop and get on the bus, dear. This is a matter of life and death, okay?" Piggy said through her bated breaths.

"Then jump on the back!" Robin said.

Piggy glanced at the back of the bus. "The things I do for this frog..." she said.

Piggy leaped onto the back of the bus, making the front jump up from the force on the back. "Whoa!" Floyd shouted. "Either we hit a really big pot hole, or Piggy’s been puttin’ away the pots of coffee! Heh, heh!"

"I’ll cream you for that later!" Piggy growled from the back fender of the bus.

"I love cream with my coffee," Beauregard said.

Piggy groaned. "Just step on it!" she shouted.

"You got it!" Dr. Teeth shouted, flooring the gas pedal, and driving towards the television station.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" Fozzie asked himself nervously. "Oh! I know! I’ll call Miss Piggy’s cell phone, that’s what I’ll do!"

Fozzie ran over to a pay phone backstage and picked it up. "Hello? Operator? I need to reach Miss Piggy! Pronto!"

Fozzie listened to the operator on the other end. "No, I don’t want to sign up for your pre-pay plan! This is an emergency!"

Fozzie stopped and listened again. "I’m not trying to have an attitude with you! I’m just in a hurry!"

Fozzie began tapping his foot in annoyance. "I know that being rude won’t speed things up, I’m not being rude, I just really need to reach Miss Piggy!"

"Yes, and I am sure I do not want to sign up for your pre-pay plan," Fozzie said. He stopped again. "Oh... you’ll send me a free t-shirt?" Fozzie stopped tapping his foot and listened closer. "Well what does the t-shirt say?"

 

[redBoobergurl]

AWESOME reaction chapter! There is so much humor from the reactions at the house to Piggy calling Link the "Weakest Link" (great reference to that stupid gameshow!) to Fozzie on the cell phone! I LOVE it! More please!

 

[TogetherAgain]

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

GAH so much so much HAPPY! Tracking Piggy! Beaker! stump date! HOPELESSLY ROMANTIC! COMMERCIAL? COMMERCIAL? GAAAAAAAAAAH! NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO! I LOVE FOZZIE! AND ROWLF! AND FLOYD! AND WHEEEEEEEEE CREAM IN COFFEE! WHAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<GLOMP>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<SNUGGLE>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>> MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH BEARS AND BOUNCES AND SQUEALS ON TOP! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

[The Count]

Fabulous finish... The gang in the bus picking up Miss Piggy... Sam staying behind with Aunt Marge... "Hop on", "I'm not a frog". Fozzie an the operator... What does it say on that T-shirt anyway?

More, more, more!

 

[TogetherAgain]

Somehow, Ed, I doubt that the t-shirt says, "More, more, more!"

 

[The Count]

*Sheesh... That was my plea to get more story posted. Now off with you, you've got a Canerican to "Saying Goodbye" to before she departs on that train to visit this tale's author.

 

[TogetherAgain]

Hush, you! We've still got one full day left!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 24

The inner-workings of Kermit’s mind were working at full capacity. What was he supposed to do now? For all he knew the station had cut to a commercial before he had proposed.

Or Miss Piggy hadn’t seen the show.

Or a rolling blackout hit the entire viewing audience’s range.

Or someone randomly decided to cut off the show to air a hidden episode of "Mork and Mindy."

Or he was just dreaming all of this and he’d wake up ten seconds from now in his bed.

He counted to ten.

He didn’t wake up.

Or maybe he had just fallen asleep and this was all a dream and it wasn’t time to wake up yet.

His right hand was reached around his back and he pinched himself, trying not to visually squirm on television.

He gulped loudly. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He started blankly at the camera, his eyes wide and his mouth agape.

Kermit only hoped that Max was looking the same way.

Or worse.

Yeah, worse.

Max had been upstaged on his show. He wasn’t able to take it to the Max, but a frog was? It was downright... wrong!

But on the other hand, this would certainly garner him more publicity than that viewer-hog, Oprah.

He made a mental note not to make anymore pig jokes.

He hoped he wasn’t looking bad in front of his audience.

Or that they all didn’t hate him for the pig jokes.

But they’d laughed, right?

Of course, that is why he had hired those penguins to hold the cue cards.

How could he have not hired them, though? They work for the halibut!

How did he get roped into working here?

No, not Max, the penguin.

All he was doing was standing there, holding the cue card at the audience, that read "Gawk in Awe."

Although, he figured that he didn’t really need the cue card.

They would’ve gawked in awe with or without the cue card.

Didn’t he have somewhere better to be?

Wait, no, he was a penguin.

Zany Penguin.

That was him.

Zany Penguins don’t have anywhere better to be.

Just hold up the cue cards.

All the time.

Never swarmed by adoring fans.

Just hold up the cue cards.

Why did he hold up the cue cards, anyway?

For the amusement and entertainment of hundreds of internet weirdos?

No!

Like hundred of internet weirdos would find him amusing and entertaining.

He didn’t even have the proper comedic timing to break out into a spontaneous tap-dancing number.

He couldn’t even tap dance!

He wasn’t even the character that people should be worrying about!

The frog was!

So, he decided to keep his thoughts to himself.

He always did have good timing.

The doors to the studio crashed open and a squealing pig came charging through. "YEEEEEEEEEEES!"

Max fell out of his chair.

The audience squealed in delight and utter shock.

Zany hurled the cue card above his head.

Kermit the Frog was met with a smash of a finely-chapped porcine pucker.

Miss Piggy put all of her love into the kiss of true love she shared with her frog at that moment.

The rest of the Muppets flooded the television studio, while the frog and the pig still kissed out all of their problems.

Max attempted to hoist himself up off the floor. "L-ladies and gentlemen!" he said. "The Muppets!"

Fozzie made his way in front of the crowd that had just gathered on stage. Kermit and Piggy stood with their arms wrapped tightly around each other as the bear smiled at the audience.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Fozzie said confidently. "Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!"

The audience roared.

The Muppets danced around and cheered.

Max had been upstaged by a frog and a pig.

The frog and the pig kissed again, upstaging Max again.

"Yes, Kermie," Miss Piggy said. "Yes, forever and ever, Kermie."

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you call me that," Kermit said sofly.

"Kiss her again!" Floyd called out.

"Yeah, man, plant one on her! Heh, heh, heh!" Clifford laughed.

"Jou peoples disgust me, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Kiss! Kiss!" Animal shouted.

The audience joined in Animal’s chanting.

"They’re practically begging, Kermie," Miss Piggy said, eyes gleaming.

"Well, I don’t know, Piggy," Kermit said. "This is live television."

"I wouldn’t worry about that," Statler said.

"Yeah, you probably scared off all of the viewers with that first smooch!" Waldorf added.

The two old men laughed, and the audience continued chanting for the newly-happy couple to kiss.

"You’d better do it, Kermit," Gonzo said, standing right behind the frog.

"Yeah, they’re gettin’ restless," Rowlf said.

"Do you want me to have Bobo and Sweetums escort you out, boss?" Scooter asked.

"Not at all, Scooter," Kermit said to the go-fer. "There’s nowhere in the world that I would rather be-" he turned to Miss Piggy. "Than with you my love."

Miss Piggy sighed happily. She kissed her frog again, and once again, the audience roared, and the Muppets danced and cheered.

"Hey!" Gonzo shouted. "Somebody’s getting married! Ha ha!"

"And it’s about time!" Miss Piggy shouted happily.

Kermit looked around at the roaring audience, the perturbed penguin, and the haughty host. Then he looked at his freaky family behind him. "Agreed."