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Muppet Fan-Fiction: Weddings Are Disastrous

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, May 18, 2008.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Locks death stare on Prawn... Kudos to thee.

    1 Kermit's green car, still missing the rear hatch door?

    2 Missed calls.

    3 Conversations with the frog and the bear.

    4 Fozzie having to take the phone in the bathroom.

    5 Movie script as wedding present.

    6 The news!

    7 Imagining ears wiggling and smile on froggy's face.

    8 Have to have Friday with Fozzie.

    9 Gonna be a long four months.

    10 MBH! Yeay!

    11 Telephone! *Rushes to get it.

    12 Lew with his act.

    13 Why does anybody live there.

    Now c'mon, we got a meeting at the theater to get to. Oh yeah, I'd rather call Bo and ride in his taxi. No offense to Bobo's cement truck.
    *Arrives at the Benny Vanderghast Memorial Theater for the meeting. Weeeee, post new chapter!
  2. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    Nice

    Great Chapter! I love Bo's appearance with the company car; one of the better moments from MFS. I'm very intrigued as to why Kermit doesn't want to tell Piggy about the movie, very nice set-up! I wonder how long it will be until someone spills the beans about the movie. Loving the story!

    Great Job, keep up the good work, post more please!

    :wisdom:
  3. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Another fine installment my friend! Love the phone call with Fozzie. Very nice indeed. Anxiously awaiting the mayhem that is sure to follow!
  4. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    Prawnie, you have a wonderful story here.

    However, I think most of us are wondering when you plan to update this again. We'll all be waiting patiently. *to the guys with torches and pitchforks* Isn't that right, gentlemen?

    Guys: *grumble and toss in their weapons*

    That's better. You all get cookies and ice cream later, after Prawnie updates his fic.

    ~AnimatedC
  5. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    ...
    Muppaguy #25: Yey! Cookies!
    Muppaguy #86: Ice cream.
    Muppaguy #32: Can't we have just a little torchery?
    Muppaguy #18: Yeah, how long do we have to wait?
    Muppaguy #6: Until the update.
    *Looks at Caitlyn: There will be an update right?

    Me: Hmm, I wonder how the chest of drawers will work in the addition of Ms. Joli and Mama Prawn into this story.
  6. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    Prawnie atleast managed to finish one sentence...XD
    *Don't ask*
  7. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Haha, yes, Squeekz is right, I do have one sentence of the next chapter finished... :p I dunno when you guys can expect more, perhaps tomorrow. But tonight I've gotta play catch up after missing two days of summer government class. :smirk: Test AND a quiz tomorrow! :eek: Wish me luck!
  8. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    Good Luck

    Good Luck on your tests and quizzes! Post when you can, this is shaping up to be a very fine story!

    ~Arianne~
  9. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 6

    Scooter was frantically running about the Muppet Theater trying to find seats for every frog, dog, rat, bear, chicken, penguin, bird (other than penguins and chickens, which petitioned to become sub-groups of birds; referred to as their own respective groups), monster, pig, musician, Ernie, Bert, whatever, and everything else within the Muppet Theater that afternoon.

    Kermit sat on the edge of the stage with his spindly legs dangling into the band pit. He stared out into the audience made up entirely of his friends—filling up nearly the entire lower seating area of the theater. (And of course, Statler and Waldorf were eagerly waiting to hear the speech from their balcony on the wall directly left of the stage.)

    Statler nudged Waldorf out of his snoring slumber. “Wake up you old fool, they’re about to start,” Statler said.

    Waldorf slowly lifted his head up and yawned. “Eh, a meeting?” he said groggily. “This oughta be good.”

    Kermit cleared his throat. “Excuse me everyone,” he said into the crowd.

    The Muppets adorning the seats of the first few rows gave their attention to the frog in chief—unfortunately, there were a lot more than a few rows to garner attention from, and those rows remaining continued chatting amongst themselves. (The Muppets in the rows, rather, not the actual rows—but would you put it past them?)

    “Excuse me,” Kermit said louder. “Everyone?”

    Directly below Kermit, in the band pit, was the band (go figure) where Nigel, the conductor of The Muppet Show orchestra, tried rapping his baton on his music stand, but to no avail. Floyd snickered to himself, Dr. Teeth shook his head, and Animal blinked.

    “Hey, guys, c’mon now!” Kermit said, becoming a wee bit frustrated with his unexpected guests.

    Grover’s attention was now directly upon his friend the frog (not that it wasn’t before, his furry, blue mommy always told him to pay attention to people on stages trying to speak to you), he looked around at the still chattering rows of Muppets and people. Being the su-per helpful monster he is, he cleared his throat and stood up in his chair.

    Animal, seeing an opportunity, had eaten through his restraining chain and had climbed up next to Kermit on stage.

    “QUI-ET!” both Muppets shouted loudly, silencing everyone.

    “Oh, excuse me,” Grover said to Animal. “I did not mean to steal your thunder.”

    “On the contrary,” said The Count. “It is my thunder you would have to steal! Ah ah ah!”

    “I beg to differ, man,” Floyd said from the band pit. “Ya haven’t heard Animal when he gets goin’ on a drum solo after a double latte.”

    “Star-bucks,” Animal mumbled, his eyes closed.

    Kermit patted Animal on his back and smiled. “Seat, Animal,” he said.

    “Beat?” Animal asked eagerly, his eyes shooting open.

    “No, no,” Kermit said quickly. “Seat.”

    “Eat?” called out Cookie Monster fervently.

    “Seat!” shouted the whole theater back at the ravaging monster.

    “Eat seat?” Cookie Monster asked happily. “Cowabunga!” he shouted as he ripped off another seat cushion and began to devour it.

    Kermit frowned forcefully. “Can we just get down to business?” he asked, annoyed.

    “There’s no business like show business,” Clifford said sarcastically.

    “We’re not getting anywhere,” Scooter muttered.

    “There’s no business like slow business?” Gonzo asked.

    “What?” Beauregard asked.

    “I rest my case,” Gonzo said.

    “Are we in the lawyer business now?” Fozzie asked.

    “Ooh, I hope so,” Rizzo said. “It’s my callin’, heh heh.”

    Elmo looked around the theater and looked up at Gordon. “Gordon, Elmo doesn’t understand any of this,” the innocent red monster said.

    “You will when you’re older, Elmo,” Gordon said, patting Elmo’s back.

    “Maybe,” Maria added.

    “Can we please focus, here?” Kermit asked desperately.

    Moi am focused, Kermie,” Miss Piggy said serenely from the front row, center seat. “On none other than vous of course.”

    “Me too, Kermit!” Fozzie said helpfully. (Sort of.)

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Thanks Fozzie,” he said.

    “I’ve been saying Sesame Street’s been having trouble trying to find its focus for years,” Rowlf mused.

    “I beg to differ,” Gonzo said, motioning towards Elmo.

    Oscar the Grouch, who had found a nice trash can in a corner to call a vacation home, poked his head out. “Ya know, normally I hate meetings, but this is just chaos—I love it!” he laughed.

    “Welcome to our world,” Waldorf called down from the balcony.

    “We still hate it though,” Statler chimed in.

    “This is nuts,” Maria said.

    “Enough from the peanut gallery!” Kermit shouted finally.

    “Apparently we’re nuts,” Luis said.

    “Not you too,” Maria sighed.

    “Kermin always said we will work for de peanuts, hokay,” Pepe said.

    “Best tastin’ peanuts around,” Rizzo added.

    “Speaking of which,” Croaker said. “Maggie, didja bring the peanut butter coated grasshoppers?”

    Kermit groaned loudly and decided to let himself just fall back on the stage, looking up at the ceiling. He silently wondered how long it would take them to notice.

    “Frog down!” someone shouted, it sounded like Floyd, but Kermit couldn’t see who it was since he was looking at the ceiling (duh).

    “Someone call an ambulance! Quick! 911! Get the fire department too—just in case!” That had to be Telly.

    “Let’s poke him.” Definitely Gonzo.

    “And get de warts? No way!” Pepe.

    “I’m sure Beaker would poke him for us.” Does it even need to be said?

    “Mee mo meep!” Obviously Orlando Bloom in his pivotal cameo appearance.

    “Kermit, are you okay?”

    Kermit sat up—he knew that voice very well. He smiled at Big Bird sitting in the back row (it was his choice, so he wouldn’t block anyone’s view). “Yeah, I’m fine Big Bird,” he said sweetly.

    The entire theater fell silent again to let Big Bird respond.

    “Oh good,” Big Bird said happily. “Say… didn’t you have something you wanted to talk to us about?”

    Kermit grinned. “Well, now that you mention it… we do need to figure out where everyone’s going to be staying for the—” Kermit gulped. “Four months you’re here with us.”

    “I call top bunk!” Ernie declared.

    Bert sighed. “As always,” he said.

    “Obviously, since you’re our guests, you should be allowed to stay in our home,” Kermit continued. “Unfortunately… we’re running on no vacancy—”

    “And one bathroom,” Miss Piggy added.

    “Who needs a bathroom?” Aunt Marge asked. “The swamp is my shower, sink, blow dryer, and especially my t—”

    “Her terra firma!” Kermit interjected quickly. “Au natural land!”

    Croaker had turned from blue to green (not literally, sheesh). “I think I’m movin’ in with you, Kerm,” he said.

    “But Kermit just said there’s no room in his house,” Zoe said.

    “He’s right,” Clifford said. “We’re like sardines in there.”

    “What’s wrong with sardines?” Lew Zealand asked.

    “Yeah,” Oscar whined, “what’s wrong with sardines?”

    “Why am I here?” Sam Eagle asked.

    “For the halibut?” Fozzie asked.

    “I do not get it,” Grover said.

    “Good,” Bob said nervously.

    “So anyway,” Kermit said forcefully. “I don’t think we can afford to put you all up in a hotel for four months either, not with the wedding, ticket sales for the show are pretty low, and all in all we’re broke—like always.”

    “Kermit,” Gordon spoke up, “we’re really sorry for the misunderstanding, and quite frankly we all just feel awful about putting you out of your way like this. I think we’ve all decided just to take the next plane home tomorrow.”

    The adults of Sesame Street chimed in their agreements. “We don’t want to set you off anymore than you obviously already are,” Bob said.

    Kermit’s mom started to stand up, but his dad put a hand on her shoulder, and stood up himself, leaning on his cane. He was standing in the front row, on the far right end of the seats. “Son,” he said, instilling a calming air about the theater, “we apologize too. We must’ve read your letter wrong. We’ve already sent your cousin Bart to the train station to pick us up tickets for the morning train back to the swamp.”

    “I will absolutely not have it!”

    All eyes turned, not to Kermit, but Miss Piggy, who stood stalwart in the front middle of the theater.

    Kermit was the first to break the silence. “I beg your pardon?” he asked.

    “Quiet frog, this is my scene,” Piggy said. “Vous Gordon, Bob, everybody, are family—and vous Dad the Frog, are even more family.”

    Dad the Frog smiled earnestly. “Well, in all fairness, we did bring more with us,” he said with a chuckle.

    “What moi am suggesting,” Piggy continued, “is that all of the adults who desire a warm, real bed stay at the Boarding House, while we Muppets make quaint little homes here at the theater.”

    Kermit opened his mouth to make a snide remark about Piggy never being able to leave the vanity in her bedroom, but decided he liked this spark of whatever it was Piggy was sparking, and let her continue.

    “After all,” Miss Piggy said, “we’ve slept in lockers before!”

    “And cement mixers!” Gonzo added.

    “Coat hang-ers!” Animal said.

    Aunt Marge stood up swiftly and glared down at Piggy. “Well, what about us, eh? What about the frogs in the audience? Where will we stay? It’s not like you can just bring us the natural aromas of the swamp willy-nilly!” she said.

    “Perhaps the asylum has a free room?” Piggy responded with a sweet voice, yet an overly sarcastic tone.

    “Nope,” Gonzo said.

    “Trust me, we’ve looked,” Rizzo said.

    “We’ll be happy to stay here at the theater, Miss Piggy,” Goggles spoke up nervously (not that he wasn’t always nervous). “It’s very… homey.”

    “Word,” Clifford said.

    “Not funny,” Skeeter said, nudging her dreadlocked boyfriend playfully.

    “Should I start assigning people seats—er, I mean, beds?” Scooter asked Kermit.

    Kermit looked around at all of his friends and family gathered in the theater. “Well… is everyone alright with these arrangements?” he asked.

    “We should vote on it,” Sam Eagle declared. “It is the American way!”

    “You’re so cute when you’re patriotic,” Aunt Marge whispered to the eagle.

    Sam’s eyes grew larger than they ever had before and his faced turned blank as he sunk down into his seat.

    “Any other formal motions?” Kermit asked sarcastically.

    “Elmo doesn’t know what that means,” Elmo said, “but Elmo is just happy to be here at green frog’s theater—Elmo doesn’t care where he sleeps!”

    “I know a lovely dumpster you could share with Bean Bunny,” Gonzo said.

    “Don’t bother,” Oscar said, “I’ve been trying that for years.”

    “It’s unanimous then,” Kermit said.

    “Elmo got the only vote,” Fozzie whispered to Clifford.

    “Are ya surprised?” Clifford asked.

    “Scooter, start arranging sleeping arrangements,” Kermit said. “Maybe Prairie Dawn could help you.”

    Scooter tilted his head. “What’s that chief?” he asked.

    “Well Prairie always has enjoyed… organizing, for lack of a nicer word,” Kermit said. “I think maybe she’d like to help, whadaya say, Prairie?”

    Prairie stood up happily. “Oh, Kermit, I would love to! It’s my calling!” she said.

    Scooter muttered as he went off to join Prairie. “Heh heh,” Clifford laughed as Scooter passed. “Looks like somebody’s got an understudy.”

    Kermit smirked. “Alright, well I guess that’s about it—oh, one more thing… let’s put a moratorium on seat cushion eating, alright?” he asked.

    Cookie Monster stared up at Kermit with his googly eyes, still nibbling slightly on a cushion. “Wha’?” the monster asked.

    “Just stop eating the seat cushions!” Kermit shouted, quickly losing it, flailing his arms at his side.

    Cookie Monster jumped, tossing the seat cushion out of his hands.
    Dr. Honeydew and Beaker came running on stage suddenly, signaling an unofficial end to the meeting. “Mister Kermit sir, Mister Kermit!” Bunsen said gleefully as he ran up to the frog.

    Kermit sighed heavily. “Does this have to be now Dr. Honeydew? I’m trying to figure out where to come up with money for new seat cushions before the next show.”

    “That’s precisely it, Kermit,” Bunsen said happily. “Beaker and I have come up with a way to make some extra money by maximizing attendance at the shows.”

    “Oh, really!” Kermit said, switching tones. “Please, do go on—but if it involves radiation or cloning, I don’t want any part of it.”

    “Of course, sir,” Bunsen said. “Beaker and I were thinking that if we included our friends from Sesame Street in our shows, we could bill them as special guest stars—surely people would come to see that!”

    Kermit did a double take. “Dr. Honeydew, are you feeling alright?” Kermit asked.

    “Faultless, Mister Kermit sir!” Bunsen said. “Why do you ask?”

    “It’s just—well, that’s possibly the greatest idea you’ve ever had!” Kermit said happily.

    Bunsen gasped. “Really Mister Kermit, you mean that?” he asked.

    “I really do, actually,” Kermit said. “I’ll talk to Scooter about working them into this week’s show first thing in the morning!”

    Bunsen laughed giddily. “Oh, thank you Mister Kermit, I do hope this works out for you!” he said.

    “Now if you’ll excuse me,” Kermit said, “I have some company to mingle with.” The frog hopped off the stage and grabbed Miss Piggy’s hand, leading her around the theater.

    “Mey! Mee mo me mo meema!” Beaker squeaked angrily.

    “Hush now, Beaker, I know it was your idea,” Bunsen chided his assistant. “But you have to take sacrifices in the realm of science—you sacrificed your voice.”

    “Me moo?”

    “Me?” Bunsen asked. He chuckled. “Why, silly Beaker, I’ve sacrificed you!”
  10. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    *laughs long and hard* I'm not done yet. *laughs until she calms down* ... now I am.

    First of all, thank you for giving us a funny new chapter to enjoy, Prawnie. I, for one, certainly enjoyed it.

    I loved the character interactions in this chapter. Especially those with the same performer (Grover & Animal ["QUIET!"], Grover & Fozzie ["for the halibut"], Clifford & Elmo [Cliff's comment on Elmo getting the only vote], some Jerry Nelson character ["Frog down!"], Animal & Cookie [beat, seat, eat]).

    I also like the fact that Prarie's helping Scooter out. Maybe a little friendly compitition that'll turn into a crush (in Prarie's POV)?

    The whole Kermit reconizing voices part. Orlando Bloom. 'Nuf said.

    Bunsen having a good idea for once? ... wow. ... EVERYBODY RUN! LOL Kidding! XD

    And, of course:

    XD What a way to end a chapter.

    :sleep:: Bravo! Bravo!
    :boo:: Why are you yelling Bravo? Did you like it that much?
    :sleep:: No, a friend of mine, Joe Bravo - he's sitting in the third row...BRAVO! BRAVO!
    Both: UP HERE!
  11. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yep... That pretty much covers it. No wait, it doesn't.
    More please!
    *Glomp. *Skulks away.
  12. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    Great Chapter

    Great Chapter! Definitely worth the wait. You have a terrific sense of all the characters. It's such a great chapter because I can picture all of the hilarious chaos with all the Sesame Street, frogs, and muppets.

    I love how Big Bird has the power to quiet the room with just a simple, "Are you okay Kermit?" It was incredibly cute; i loved it! Kermit telling Scooter that Prairie Dawn can help him organzie and the understudy comment from Clifford was great.

    Absolutely wonderful chapter, I cannot wait for more, but know i'll have to :sympathy:

    Post more soon!
  13. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hmmm... 1 small nitpick. "Dad the Frog"? Does she not remember his name is James? She did travel down to Leland with Kermit when Jane was under the brain troubles hokay? Just that little annoyance. Sorry. I 2 am intrigued by the possible development, if you plant it, of Prairie crushing on Scoot. But we all know he already has a steady girlfriend in Sara... Oh well. Again, more please as we <3 this prawn's penmanship when it comes to fics.

    *To Arianne as a continuation of yesterday... If you're going to nag, do it with pride. *Gives her her choice of her own penguin or muffin cannon.
  14. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    I've sacrificed you!
    Oh, what a little sadist Bunnie is. XD
    Elmo not knowing what formal meant made
    me laugh so hard. Psh, Elmo, get a dictionary. ;3
    Heck, I'd wanna live in Bean's trashcan, too! I've been trying to do that for centuries.
    *Pulls off overgrown whitebeard* Stop calling me Dumbledore, dude!

    Wannabe wizard: *Runs away, crying*

    Aw...Priarie has a crush on Scooter. <3
    Nice chapter! As usual it was all giggles and fits!
  15. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Man, how I wish I could give you a detailed review right now Prawnie. You so deserve it, there were so many great lines in this chapter! Sadly, I only have time to say that I loved it, it was super funny and I will try to do a detailed review later because this chapter was just awesome!
  16. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    Now look what I've done: Now everyone's assuming that Prarie has a crush on Scooter. It was only a suggestion, guys...

    Hmm... I wonder if Prawnie will actually go with the idea?
  17. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    With all due respect, Ed, Kermit himself refers to his father as simply "Dad the Frog" in his book, "Before You Leap," so it would be perfectly logical for Miss Piggy to address him the same way. The names James and Jane for Kermit's parents are nothing more than a fanfictional creation that, true, has become something of a standard around Muppet Central, but is by no means mandatory. Also, as the writer of Swamp Call, I feel a need to point out that the names of Kermit's parents were never mentioned to any of the Muppets within the story, and that Miss Piggy did not go to Leland with Kermit, but arrived much later after Kermit, along with several other Muppets, while his mother was having the operation. My apologies for the muffining, of course, but I do believe that nit-picking of nit-picking ought to be allowed now and again.

    <Ahem> That said.

    PRAWWWWWWWNIEEEEEEEE! ! !

    Allow me to thoroughly reiterate to you, dear Half, my opinion of this chapter.

    <Rolls on the floor laughing>

    That about sums it up.

    Yup, that sums up the bird sub-group petitioning, the thunder-stealing, the seat/beat/eat punning, the slow show business, the Elmo-stealing-Miss-Piggy's-line, the focus, the nuts, the Big Bird, the bunk beds, the terra firma, the Oz/Oz/Oz/Bob interaction (a.k.a. Sam/Fozzie/Grover/Bob), the broke-ness, the Miss Piggy hospitality, the asylum offer, the fact that they KNOW the asylum has no vacancy EITHER, the lockers, cement mixers, and coat hangars, the Marge flirting, the formal motions, the Kevin-Clash-character-bashing-Kevin-Clash-character (a.k.a. Clifford re Elmo getting the only vote), the unwanted assistant (I LOVE PRAIRIE DAWN! ! ! <Ahem> Thank you), the seat cushions, the idea that's actually GOOD, the company mingling, the idea stealing, and of course, the fact that I actually understood what Beaker said before I read Bunsen's reply. And the sacrificing.

    In conclusion, I know you have plans for the rest of the story... and since I am QUITE excited for some certain plans...

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  18. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Oh... *Is edumucated by Lisa, queen of the fanfictions,bowing down to her supremeness. Um, sorry? *Fidgeting, leaves her a huge carrotcake muffin to smooth things. *Leaves another big muffin for Prawn.

    Again, thanks for setting me straight. Now where did I put that right ear? Did anybody take my lef pinky?
    Post... When you can. *Soft hug for forgiveness to Lisa of the three minds.
  19. Leyla

    Leyla Member

    PRAAAAAAWWWWNIE!

    I love this story. It makes me laugh, it's clever, it has fun characters in it, you posted the first chapter for my birthday, Kermit and PIggy are getting hitched... what's not to like!

    AND, you are totally reminding me of Sesame Street, and sweet childhood memories.

    AND... Kermit and Piggy are getting married.

    AND... I like your plotting. It makes me laugh too, in the good way.

    AND... there's this frog, and this pig... and they're tying the knot... and untying a bunch of other ones.

    AND... I have 3 hours and 15 minutes for sleep. Wooot!
  20. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 7

    Link Hogthrob quietly tip-toed up the porch steps of the Muppet Boarding House, trying to remain unseen and not heard. Waking Miss Piggy—or anyone in this house—at three in the morning was definitely not a good idea.

    He knelt down, still quiet, to lift up the tattered “Welcome” mat in front of the door. He pulled up a key and pushed it through the keyhole on the doorknob. Link smirked smugly as he tried to turn the key.

    It didn’t turn.

    Link’s smirk turned into an expression of gross misunderstanding. He fiddled with the key harder, trying his best to make it turn.

    It didn’t turn.

    Link bit his bottom lip and began to whimper. Silently, he remembered the advice of Fozzie Bear, Stop crying Link, Fozzie had said to him. He pulled the key out and stuck it into the breast pocket on his shirt. He scratched his head and exerted all his brain power. Alright, fine. Time for plan… uhh… plan… Q? No, no, plan B! Time for plan B, Link thought to himself. Yes, truly all of his brain power.

    Link, being the “macho” pig he was, decided it would be best to climb up the side of the house and enter through his bedroom window.

    Unfortunately, his bedroom was on the side of the house with no window. He supposed that’s the thanks he got for volunteering to be roommates with Crazy Harry. (He figured soon enough he’d have the only room in the house with direct access to the first floor or a sun roof.)

    Link moaned softly and decided that he might as well just go in the back door—the lock was broken after all. He strolled down along the side of the Boarding House and came to the fence that divided the front and back yards. Cool and casual like, Link tried opening the gate door.

    It didn’t open.

    Link sighed heavily; this evening just wasn’t going how he had planned. First, his date left him at the bowling alley for a furniture salesman—the worst kind of people, in Link’s opinion. Then, he had to get a ride home with someone named “Kleptom Aniac” who made a half a dozen stops at gas stations—but always came back with a bag of chips for Link—and now he couldn’t get into the house.

    The perplexed piggy leaned against the wood of the fence and let his body slide down onto the lawn. He let out a large moan and hit his head back against the gate.

    “Ow!” Link groaned, grabbing the back of his head as some sort of obstruction rammed into the core of his cranium. He turned around and shot a glare at a padlock keeping the gate closed.

    “Oh yeah,” Link muttered. He reached into his pocket, somehow putting two and two together, and put key and padlock together.

    He turned the key, and it actually turned (hence the fact that he turned the key). He pulled down on the padlock and slipped it off the gate. He pushed forward and strolled through. “Who puts the key to the gate under the front door mat?” he mumbled to himself.

    Link reached the back door and quietly pushed it open; he poked his head in carefully and looked around the kitchen. He gasped quietly as he saw some sort of strange figure standing in front of the refrigerator with the door standing wide open. “A robber,” Link whispered—this was no ordinary robber either (their ordinary robber was Ricky Raccoon, who succeeded in breaking in, but never broke out—he moved in).

    Link began visibly shaking with nerves as he decided how to go about confronting the man burgling the fridge. As chief in the “Bear on Patrol” sketches, he had a duty to protect. No one had ever bothered to tell Link that the officer’s badge he proudly wore in the sketches was plastic, therefore not really—though he wouldn’t have known the difference anyway.

    Link decided that a headstrong approach would be best.

    So he charged, head first, at whoever was now closing the fridge door.

    “Not in my house—those are my ice cream bars!” Link said, now kneeling on top of someone he didn’t recognize—obviously a robber.

    “I’ve heard that pigs are protective of their food—but this is ridiculous!” Bob said from underneath Link as he relinquished the ice cream bar he tried to have as a midnight snack.

    “That’s right,” Link said. “Now, tell me your name so I may report you to the proper authorities!”

    “Proper authorities?” Bob asked, staring down the snout of Link as it edged closer to him, trying to scare the information out. “Link, I was just trying to get a late night snack—I couldn’t sleep.”

    “So you decided to come and take our hard earned food?” Link asked. “I don’t think so—and how do you know my name? Wait—tabloids… I’m everywhere.”

    “I don’t think you understand,” Bob said. “I’m a friend of Kermit’s—from Sesame Street!” Bob added, hoping it would make his case seem more legitimate.

    “And you came all the way here just to take our food? That seems like a waste to me,” Link said.

    “I came for—well, that’s a long story actually,” Bob said with a laugh. “But I’m staying here in the Boarding House.”

    “Not for long, we don’t have anymore room, you should’ve gotten here before Ricky,” Link said, not letting up on his interrogation.

    “I’m staying as a guest,” Bob said, “not forever.”

    “Oh,” Link said, sitting up straight on top of Bob. “Whose room are you in?”


    “I think Kermit said it was Rowlf and Lew Zealand’s room,” Bob said.

    Link nodded slowly. “I like their room… they have a window,” he said.

    “Yeah, it’s got a great view of the back yard,” Bob said.

    “Oh, have you seen the Jacuzzi?” Link asked.

    “Yes,” Bob said. “It’s very nice. Umm, Link?”

    “Yes?”

    “Could you let me up off the floor?”

    “Oh!” Link shouted. “Yes, so sorry,” he said getting off of Bob and extending his hand to help him up. “You’ll probably want to be getting to bed.”

    “You probably are too,” Bob said. “It’s late—or early, depending on your stance on the glass half full or half empty debate.”

    “I prefer water bottles,” Link said. “They make me look important.”

    Bob chuckled. “I see. Well, I’m heading off to bed, good to see you Link,” he said.

    Link nodded in agreement. He moaned for a second. “Bob?” he whined.

    “Yes?” Bob asked calmly.

    “Do you still sing lullabies?” Link asked childishly.

    Bob laughed. “C’mon upstairs Link, I think I can help you,” he said with a smile.

    ~-~-~-~-~

    Kermit never knew how uncomfortable the seats in the Muppet Theater were until he had slept a long night in one of them. He groaned heartily as he stretched out his spindly arms and legs in any direction they’d reach. He pushed off the blanket he was using and rubbed his eyes. He yawned groggily and scratched the back of his neck.

    “I sure hope Piggy had a better night than I did…” Kermit muttered to himself amid his drowsiness. “But I’m guessing she didn’t.”

    Rowlf was sitting in a seat in the aisle in front of Kermit reading a newspaper. He peered down over the top of it and smiled at the frog. “Wanna bet on it?” he asked.

    “Rowlf, you don’t bet,” Kermit said.

    “Not unless I know for sure I’ll win,” Rowlf said with a smirk.

    Kermit frowned, he didn’t need Rowlf to tell him now—that smirk said it all. “Piggy went home last night, didn’t she?” Kermit asked, annoyed.

    Rowlf straightened the paper. “I woulda won that bet,” he said. “Want the International section? Fozzie already has the funnies.”

    “Sure,” Kermit said, taking a section of the paper from Rowlf. “Where’d you get this paper anyway?”

    “I fetched it for you,” Rowlf said.

    Kermit grinned. “How very stereotypical of you, Rowlf.”

    Rowlf shrugged. “I thought I might get a treat…” he muttered.

    “How ‘bout this,” Kermit said with a smirk of his own, “you don’t have to sleep in the dog house tonight.”

    Rowlf scoffed. “I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that, Kermit,” he said. “I’m not the one getting married.”

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Cute, cute joke,” he said.

    “I haven’t been called cute since I was a pup, Kermit,” Rowlf said. “Debonair and handsome, however—”

    Kermit shook his head and smiled at his old friend. “Alright hound dog,” Kermit said. “Have you seen Scooter this morning?”

    “Oh sure,” Rowlf said. “He was up at the crack of dawn wrangling coffee and bagels for everyone in here.”

    “Why would he do that?” Kermit asked. “I didn’t ask him—”

    “Do you really want my opinion on the matter?” Rowlf asked.

    “Well of course,” Kermit said. “There’s no one else here, and there’s no one else with a better opinion—in my opinion of course,” feigned the frog.

    Rowlf folded his newspaper and leaned in closer to Kermit. “Methinks the go-fer’s jealous,” the dog whispered.

    Kermit leaned back a little in confusion. “Jealous?” he asked. “Jealous of what?”

    “Well, you did imply that he needed an assistant,” Rowlf said.

    “You mean Prairie Dawn?” Kermit asked. “I didn’t mean it like that at all, I just thought it would give her a way to entertain herself.”

    “Kermit, she’s here for four months,” Rowlf said. “I think she can handle entertaining herself.”

    “Huh,” Kermit said. “I guess you’re right Rowlf.”

    “I’m moderate actually,” Rowlf said, scratching his chin.

    “You know, you’re not supposed to talk about politics during meals,” Kermit said.

    “Neither of us is eating,” Rowlf said.

    “Now that you mention it, I am kind of hungry,” Kermit said. “Want a bagel? I’m going to get one.” Kermit smirked.

    “Touché, frog,” Rowlf said.

    “That sounds like a French entrée, Rowlf,” Kermit said.

    “You did say you were hungry,” Rowlf said.

    “That’s just gross,” Kermit said.

    Rowlf laughed. “Welcome to the Muppet Theater.”

    “But I really am going to get a bagel,” Kermit said.

    “’Bout time,” Rowlf said. “I’ll keep an eye on Robin.”

    Kermit smiled in the direction of his sleeping nephew hidden beneath a blanket and curled up under a blanket next to the seat Kermit was in. “Thanks Rowlf,” Kermit said.

    “Anytime,” Rowlf said with a smile, returning to his newspaper.

    Kermit strolled down the middle of the aisles passing countless Muppets asleep in various chairs throughout the theater; most of them from Sesame Street.

    All of a sudden, Kermit was ambushed in the middle of the aisle by a speeding fuzzy and blue monster that jumped in front of his path. “Hello froggy baby!” Grover said happily, holding out a cup of coffee and a bagel towards Kermit. “I have taken it upon my cute, furry self to get you breakfast this morning!”

    Kermit tilted his head to the side. “Why, thank you Grover,” Kermit said. “But may I ask why?”

    “Well it was just so nice of you to let me come and stay with you in preparation for your wedding!” Grover said. “And it was also very nice of you not to get mad at me for bringing everyone from Sesame Street…”

    “Mad at you?” Kermit asked. “Not at all Grover, it was just a misunderstanding.”

    “Oh I am so glad you feel that way, froggy,” Grover said. “After all, it really was your fault…”

    Kermit took the bagel and coffee from Grover’s hands. “My fault?” Kermit asked. “How was it my fault?”

    “Well the phrasing of your e-mail was not very clear, froggy baby,” Grover said.

    Kermit frowned. “Thanks Grover,” Kermit said.

    “That is my job as groomsman,” Grover said. “Though I have been meaning to ask you froggy, can I change my title to groomsmonster? It is much more fitting,” Grover said with a large, cheesy smile.

    “Grover, if I changed your title I’d have to change everyone else’s too,” Kermit said.

    “Not necessarily, my dear frog,” Grover said. “You see, you would only have to change furry old Grover to groomsmonster—no one else in the wedding party is a monster!”

    “You haven’t seen Miss Piggy in the morning then, have ya?” Floyd asked, laughing as he strolled past the chatting monster and frog.

    Grover scratched his head. “No, I have not seen Miss Piggy in the morning,” he said. “Where is she anyway, froggy baby?” Grover asked. “I do not see her here.” Grover stood up on his tip-toes and peered around the theater seats.

    Kermit sat his coffee down on the armrest of the seat he was standing next to and took a bite of his bagel. “I think she got tired of her own great idea,” Kermit said after swallowing his bite. “She went home to her own bed last night.”

    Grover nodded. “I see,” he said. “You know froggy baby, I do not really know very much about Miss Piggy.” Kermit nearly choked while swallowing another bite of his bagel.

    Kermit cleared his throat and looked at Grover. “I think you know enough, Grover,” Kermit said.

    “Well how do you know?” Grover asked. “I have never really been around her—you never bring her to visit!”

    “I’ve tried,” Kermit said.

    “Oh,” Grover said, nodding in realization (or so he thought). “Does she not like New York City?”

    Kermit’s face twisted around. “That’s not exactly it…” Kermit said quietly.

    “Aww, I think I know what it is,” Grover said. “She is just shy, right, froggy baby?”

    Kermit looked behind him in hope of an escape route, but just saw Floyd with his boots propped up on the back of the seat in front of him, laughing at the frog’s general misfortune. “No, she’s not shy, Grover,” Kermit said.

    “Are her feet stuck to the floor, then froggy?” Grover asked. “Come on, what is the story?”

    “She just—well, the thing is, Grover—” Kermit squirmed around. “She’s not the biggest fan of… well… kids.”

    Grover gasped heavily. “Is that true, froggy?” he asked.

    “I’m—er, well—yes,” Kermit said.

    Grover sighed in relief. “Good, I thought it was something serious,” he said.

    Kermit did a double take. “Come again?”

    “Well if she just does not like kids, we can just act like grown-ups!” Grover said. “After all, she likes you, froggy, and you are a kid!”

    Kermit smiled. “At heart Grover,” the frog said. “Definitely at heart.”

    “Then she will simply love all of us from Sesame Street,” Grover said. “We are kids on the outside, too!”

    “Very true,” Kermit said. “Now if you’ll excuse me Grover, I need to find Gonzo—I have something very important to talk to him about. Have you seen him?”

    “I have indeed!” Grover said. “Come on, follow me, froggy baby, I will show you the way!”

    Kermit smirked and picked up his coffee. “Thanks Grover.”

    “No problem,” Grover said. “It is what groomsmonsters do best!”

    “I wasn’t aware,” Kermit said.

    “Yes,” Grover said with a nod. “They are also very good to tell very important secrets to as well.”

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Grover!” he chided.

    “Kidding, of course, froggy baby!” Grover said innocently.


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