Muppet Fanfic: Something worth waiting for

[Leyla]

Gah! What have I done!!! But I'm posting today... soon! AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!!

*Can't resist slinking off to Lisa's thread.*

 

[Ruahnna]

Stop posting and post already!

Hey--this is your, um, well, let's see. You've all already got mothers, and I don't have any of you in class.... Hmmm.... Ah ha! No...that won't work either.... Darn. So just post already, won't you, guys?
(Beau--I'm working my way toward visions in the, um, forseeable future.)

 

[Leyla]

Aw, but mommy Ushy-gush! I was having fun... until Lisa pulled out the bazooka.

*pouts and goes back to typing*

 

[The Count]

Hey... What's this with the Killing Lines?
For some reason, I feel we're trapped in a bad movie parody.

And now we shall read from the Holy Book of Armaments... Chapter 12, Verses 9-25.
Yaey... For so whoever doth not posteth updates to their fanfics...
If they doth not have yaey verily a good reason to do so...
Shall be pelteth with the Sacred Cannon of St. Icebirdius.
And penguins shall rain from the skies...
Accompanied with bits of muffin...

Flavored of chocolate chip...
Or apple cinnamon...
But not lemon custard as that is the sourest of all flavors...
And then thou shall count down from 5 to 0 before firing.
1 is not the number thous shall count, unless counting further on to 0.

*Explosion heard in the background.
Crazy Harry!!!
CH: Sorry... Didn't have a long enough fuse.
Duck and cover! It's raining fanfic nagging!

 

[Leyla]

Ack! Wrath!

In the interests of my personal safety, I'm updating... and doing it first today, so there!


“That was a lot easier than I expected it to be.” Fozzie’s voice floated past Scooter’s ears where he stood peeping uneasily at Gonzo from the wings.
He turned to see Rowlf and Fozzie approaching, glowing with success. “Things are never easy around here,” Rowlf was saying, “except that really was.”
“You know, I don’t know why Kermit worries so much. If you just relax, things just come together again perfectly.” Scooter fought back the urge to whimper at Fozzie’s blithe attitude.
“Janice was a good sport though.”
“Oh, yeah, and you know, she’s fast with a steel chain, too. I didn’t know that about her.”
“Animal didn’t stand a chance.”
“Nope. It all worked out according to plan.”
“Yep. Feels good. You have to admit though, Fozzie, she’s a better looking woman than you are.”
“Yeah. That’s okay. Most women are.”

Feeling the slightest twinge of bitterness, Scooter practically attacked them as they reached him. “We’ve got a problem guys.”

“Lay it on me, I’m batting a thousand today!” Rowlf and Scooter looked at Fozzie doubtfully.

“Backstage.” He corrected fluidly. “Backstage, I’m batting a thousand today.”

“Well, that’s too bad,” Scooter said calmly, because our problem is on stage right now.”

“That’s the second most common place for our problems to be.” Rowlf chuckled easily. Scooter glared at him. “Gonzo’s out there, right?”
“Right!”

“So, let him handle it. He likes problems. It’s all part of the fun for him. Don’t worry about it. He, I don’t know, laughs, in the face of danger.”

“Not anymore.”

“Not anymore? What does that- whoa!”


Scooter pushed the bear and the dog towards the stage until they were in danger of being spotted by the audience. “Just listen.”

“Ladies and gentlemen! What I am about to do will notshock and amaze you.”

“That’s shocking!”

“That’s amazing!”

Unlike dear Fozzie, Gonzo knew well enough to ignore the two old guys and he continued on without an iota of hesitation. “But before that, I have a tremendous announcement to make, so if you’re sensitive I’m going to ask you to leave now, for your own safety.”

Confused murmurs rose up from the audience but no one moved.
Gonzo shifted in a rare moment of self-perceived awkwardness. “Really,” he tried again, “this is big news. So you go on ahead and step out, I’ll wait.”

The murmurs swelled in volume, but still no one moved. Scooter watched in a sort of fascinated horror as the crowd grew restless and irritable.

“I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer unfortunate medical consequences as a result of-“

“Spit it out, already and get on with the show!” For once, it wasn’t Statler or Waldorf crying out, but a member of the audience.

Other voices began chiming in with almost frenzied delight.

“Bring on the stunts!”

“Yeah, that’s what we came to see!”

“Hooray for Gonzo the Great!”

“Do something crazy!”

“Do something wildly dangerous!”

Society’s eternal outsider stared, incredulous, as the rabid cheering continued.

“Risk your life for our personal amusement!”

“Use daredeviling as a way of free expression!”

“Bring back culture to the world through judicious use of hamster-powered threshers!”

Roughly thirty people were on their feet, declaring their approval to Gonzo, who looked rather shocked and amazed himself. After a minute he managed to win back the use of his tongue.

“Who are you people?!”

Statler broke in quickly, with Waldorf close behind. “They’re freaks!”
“They’re weirdos!”

“Nutcases!”

“Fruitcakes!”

“Sanity deprived lunatic fringers!”

“Exactly!” shouted one man jubilantly over the din, “Gonzo the Great, we’re your official fanclub!” Excited screams broke out and someone threw a feather boa on stage.

Off-stage, Kermit’s trio of flipperstep fillers watched, gasteds thoroughly flabbered.

“This is some problem you’ve got here, Scooter.”

The go-fer shook his head in dismay. “This wasn’t the problem I was trying to show you.”

Rowlf patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Look on the bright side,” he said, putting on his metaphorical philosopher cap, “It never rains, but it pours.”

Fozzie, heretofore silent, whispered, “Do you suppose somewhere out there, I have a fanclub?”

Scooter shrugged and Rowlf wordlessly switched his attempts at solace-giving to the bear.

After another moment Scooter spoke up, “This would have happened even if Kermit had been here, right?”

Fozzie and Rowlf exchanged glances and shrugged at him in unison.

In the meantime, Gonzo had recovered from the unexpected appearance (and existence) of his fan club and had resumed trying to break the news of his retirement from dangerous stunts.

Nothing was ever, ever easy on the Muppet Show.

He had been recklessly pursuing his great ambition for years without support except the tentative encouragement of a frog, the love of a good chicken and the semi-sympathetic mutters from a crowd of people in the same leaky lifeboat.

Ah, their lifeboat.

The little frog was the one who had taken on the grueling task of rowing while the bear sent out wave after wave of bad puns along with the tossed cookies of horrible similes. The pig alternated between trying to seduce their erstwhile captain and knocking her competition overboard whilst busily attaching a motor to their rickety craft. Almost everyone else was busy blowing holes in the boat and all the while he, Gonzo, had been peaceably dragging along the bottom attached to an anchor. Unfortunately, he’d accidentally dragged Piggy overboard with him, and Gonzo had finally realized how badly they all needed life preservers.

The Great Gonzo believed in what he was about to do. He believe it was the best thing for everyone, and although some rebellious part of him kept reminding him just how much fun peril could be, he was determined to do the right thing.

But…

Did it have to be on the one night his honest-to-goodness fans had shown up to clamor for the mind-blowing danger that was so close to his soul?

No doubt about it, life loved kicking people, right in the kisser, when they were down.

Gonzo loved life.

“Attention! If I could have your attention, please?” The hubbub subsided to a moderately pleased grumble. “Thank you.” He looked into the myriad faces before him and struggled to continue. “I, uh, I don’t know how to tell you this, but due to unfores- no.” He took a deep, steadying breath. “Due to circumstances I should have foreseen but didn’t, I am… giving up the stunts that have so electrified you.”
There was one communal intake of breath, followed by a moment of absolute silence in which a pin wouldn’t dare to drop.

The storm broke.

“Say it ain’t so!” cried one.

“No, no, my brutality loving heart is breaking like a twig!” sobbed another.

“There goes all my faith in humanity. I call him Stan. Goodbye, Stan.”

The cries began to take on a subtly angry edge. “You broke my heart, so I’m going to break your nose.”

“Hey, I’d like to see that!”

“Me too!”

“Try to twist it around a lot.”

Gonzo looked over at Scooter. “My fans are crazy!” he hissed. Scooter let out a strangled cry of exasperation. “I love these guys!” He turned his attention away from the twitching stage manager and back to the frothing mob of raving loonies.

“Oh, my friends, my dear friends… my weird, weird wonderful friends.” He had their attention. “I know this is hard to accept… but it’s the right thing to do. Can you understand that?”

Several began advancing on him menacingly. Clearly, they could not understand.

“I’m still going to be performing tonight! Really beautiful, artistic stuff! Really!”

The advance slowed, then stopped. They were willing to give their hero a chance.

Statler and Waldorf ducked down and reappeared sporting World War I surplus army helmets.

“On with the show!”

Gonzo sighed shakily. This was new ground for him.


“Oh, sweetness porcine!
How coldly it were knocked out!
So still we found you!

I looked and I saw
Blonde Piggy hair and cute toes
But you were not home!

I knocked out your lights
As wild Animal did to
Clifford’s fritzy lamp!

You wanted to sleep
To the hospital we went
Frog talk saved your life!

My words are but ash
Sorry cannot set me free
So ‘Betsy’ I trashed!”

Ah, they were listening. Time for the big finish. Gonzo took a deep breath and started doing perfectly harmless jumping jacks.

“PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSEEE
FOOORRRRGGGIIIIVVVEE
MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

MIIIIIIISSSSS

PIGGYYYYYYY!!!!!!”

Not for the first time that night, stunned silence fell over the room and bumped it’s head rather solidly. Sulkily, silence stalked out of the theatre. It didn’t like to stay long anyway.

“Uh, so, um… what did you think of that?”

Statler and Waldorf hit the dirt.

“I like the haiku. It was pretty weird.”

“But where was the danger?”

“It lacked verve.”

"I would have liked to see something really scandalous, like rutabegas!"

“We paid for blood!”

"And rutabegas!"

“I prefer egg plant!”

With outraged roars, Gonzo’s greatest fans darted forward to mangle their beloved artist.

“This is not very safe, people.” Gonzo informed them for their own safety, adding fuel to the fire. Sam had a really hard job on their lifeboat.

“I’ve got to do something!” Scooter rushed on stage with desperate speed, pushing past his friends and nearly tripping in the process.

“Hi, everyone! Wait!! Wasn’t that great! Let’s have a hand for the Great Gonzo here!” You’ve all been part of Gonzo’s greatest performance art yet! Using his own fans to risk his life!”

“No, I wasn’t-“

“And he keeps going! What showmanship! What a thirst for pain! Let’s give it up for the Great Gonzo!” Scooter started clapping so vigorously that the audience started joining in. Smiles and laughs broke out as the fans realized that not only had they seen the Great Gonzo perform, but they’d actually been involved. Raucous cheers broke out and soon everyone in the theatre was on their feet.

His very first standing ovation.

“But-“ Gonzo tried again, in the interests of honesty.

“Bow, darnit!” Scooter growled with such fierceness that Piggy would have been proud… or perhaps jealous.

Startled, Gonzo complied, politely acknowledging his fans with something like wonderment in his eyes.

As Scooter half dragged him off the stage, he exclaimed, “Wow! They like the new, safe me! I shoulda done this years-ago!”

Scooter could not quite repress the moan as they barreled past Rowlf and Fozzie, who caught the go-fer by the shoulders. Gonzo kept moving past them to celebrate his victory.

“Nice save,” Rowlf said mildly, Fozzie nodding vigourously behind him.

Scooter gave him a level look. “I’m done for tonight.” He scooped up his clipboard off Kermit’s desk and slapped it into Rowlf’s hands. He shook Fozzie’s quickly. “You handle the rest of this madness.”

Leaving them to it, Scooter shrugged into his jacket and poured a cup of coffee.

At the close of the show, he felt recovered enough to approach as Rowlf and Fozzie began to chat.

“You know,” the dog murmured, “despite all of that, it still went better than I thought it would.”

Fozzie nodded in agreement; then his face lit up. “Remember how we found Animal?”

“That was great!” Rowlf grinned.

“And so easy!”

A violent shudder went through Scooter. “Don’t… say that too loud in this theatre. It- It scares me.” He scrammed as fast as his legs would carry him.

“Poor guy.”

“He’s very tightly wound.”

“Did you know Gonzo was giving up all those stunts he does?”

“Nope. You?”

“Nope.”

“I wonder what the big problem was that Scooter was worried about.”

“We’ll ask him after the show.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Whew... well, that was fun.

 

[Leyla]

By the way, that was hilarious, Ed!

 

[Java]

What a wonderful save Scooter. And Statler and Waldorf had my husband thinking I was crazy!

Thanks for the update!

 

[TogetherAgain]

...All I can say, is, that's SO Muppet.

I'll tell you more when I finish this scene, and the next scene, which'll probably be the end of the chapter or close to it, so... I'll tell you once I've posted. Congrats on being first tonight.

 

[The Count]

That's so Muppet? Lisa, have you been getting advanced viewings of Abby Cadaby and SS Season 37?

Great chapter Leyla... Will come back and go over the stuff I rully liked in a bit.

 

[Beauregard]

"-gasteds thoroughly flabbered-" "-a pin wouldn't dare to drop-"

Ahhhh! Loverly loverly writing! And Scooter's save was fan-tastic!

Now, I'm a tad confused...was this a regular show? And the marathon show is still to come?