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Muppets of the Caribbean

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Super Scooter, Aug 1, 2008.

  1. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Argh! Yer lucky we be likin' this story! If we werne't, we'd surely make ye walk the plank!

    Hehe kidding Super Scoot... it's all good! Can't wait for the update! :D
  2. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE FIFTEEN

    INT. CAVE

    The pirates of the Black Pearl have all gathered. They're going through the treasures that they've collected and kept hidden here.

    SAL is carrying a large trunk on his back. JOHNNY walks behind him.

    JOHNNY​
    Hey, you know, this is great, Sal! This is very good. Hiding this stuff here for ten years, now we're finally gonna get to spend it all. We're gonna be rich here!​

    SAL​
    (struggling with the trunk) Ack! Johnny. Johnny, I could... I could use some help. Ack!​

    JOHNNY​
    You're doin' beautiful there, Sal. Hey, what's in this one, anyway?​

    SAL screams! Unable to hold the trunk up anymore, he drops it. It pops open, and the two pull out what's inside...

    JOHNNY​
    Ladies clothing? Ladies clothing, Sal? !​

    SAL​
    Well, it was so pretty, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY smacks SAL with a parasol.

    JOHNNY​
    Stupid monkey.​

    Furious, SAL lunges at JOHNNY!

    INT. PASSAGE

    KERMIT and JACK row their boat through the passage that leads to the cave the pirates are in. Along the side of the narrow river lie the skeletons of pirates that never made it out of this place.

    A voice echoes through this cave...

    VOICE​
    No fear have ye of evil curses, says you? Ahhh, properly warned ye be, says I. Who know's when that evil curse will strike the greedy beholders of this bewitched treasure. Perhaps you knows too much, Ye've seen the cursed treasure. Ya know where it be hidden. Now procede at your own risk. These be the last friendly words ye'll hear. You may not survive to pass this way again! Dead... men... tell... no... tales!​

    KERMIT​
    *gulp* (to JACK) Uh, are you sure this is where we want to be?​

    JACK​
    Ignore the voices, mate. Nothing to be afraid of.​

    VOICE​
    No fear have ye of evil curses, says you? Ahhh, properly warned ye...​

    JACK​
    Oh, shut up!​

    VOICE​
    ... You shut up.​

    KERMIT​
    Oh, uh, Jack? What'd you mean by "the code" when you were talking to Fozzie before?​

    JACK​
    Pirate's Code. Any man that falls behind... is left behind.​

    KERMIT​
    ... Well, that certainly is comforting. No room for heroics with pirates, eh?​

    JACK​
    You know, for having such a bleak outlook on pirates, you're well on your way to becoming one. Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the Fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga...​

    They both look to the bottom of the river. It is all covered in gold.

    JACK​
    ... and you're completely obsessed with treasure.​

    KERMIT​
    Well, I'm not completely obsessed with treasure. I mean, a gold chain might be kind of fun. Don't know if I could pull it off, but--​

    JACK​
    Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.​

    They've arrived. There is a large rock formation right in front of them so the other pirates cannot see them. They climb up it to look over the gathering. There they see GONZO, standing on top of a mountain of treasure. The chest full of cursed treasure is right in front of him. RIZZO is on GONZO'S shoulder, and PIGGY is next to him.

    GONZO​
    (addressing the pirates) Ha ha! Men, at last, the moment has come!​

    KERMIT​
    (seeing her; concerned) Piggy.​

    GONZO​
    Our torment is near it's end!​

    RIZZO​
    I thought you liked torment?​

    GONZO​
    Well, for art's sake, sure.​

    KERMIT starts to climb over the rock. JACK holds him back.

    JACK​
    Not yet! We wait for the opportune moment.​

    KERMIT​
    The opportune moment for Miss Piggy? Or for you?​

    JACK​
    May I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?​

    KERMIT​
    Yes.​

    JACK​
    One time thing, lad. Do us a favor? A favor for you, me and your little strumpet pig. I know it's difficult for you, but please stay here and try not to do anything stupid.​

    JACK sneaks away to another part of the cave.

    GONZO​
    (still talking) ... Here it is! The cursed treasure of Cortés himself. Every last piece that we took has been returned! Except for... this!​

    He points to the medallion around PIGGY'S neck. The pirates cheer!

    GONZO​
    Who among us has paid the blood sacrifice owed?​

    The pirates all look at each other, confused.

    RIZZO​
    (raising his hand) Uh... we have?​

    GONZO​
    That is... correct!​

    The pirates applaude.

    GONZO​
    And whose blood must yet be paid?

    The pirates quiet down, once again unsure.

    SAL​
    ... Our blood?​

    ANGEL MARIE​
    A goat's?​

    GONZO​
    The girl's!​

    The pirates all realize what GONZO was getting at and cheer.

    GONZO​
    You know the first thing I'm going to do after the curse is lifted? Eat a whole bushel of apples! Ah, ha ha ha ha!​

    SAL​
    ... Uh... okay, then.​

    JOHNNY​
    Wait a minute, wait a minute. Apples? Seriously, apples?​

    SAL​
    I think he likes apples, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    Yeah, but... that's it? A bushel o' apples? You're supposed to be the bad guy! Do somethin' bad guy-like.​

    SAL​
    What's wrong with apples?​

    JOHNNY​
    Well, I look up to this guy here. I was expectin' somethin' a little meaner than apples. Pine-apples even. At least they got thorns.​

    GONZO​
    (shouting) Quiet!​

    GONZO pulls out a knife and tears the medallion from PIGGY'S neck. He grabs her hand.

    PIGGY​
    Oh! Oh, how will I be save-ed?​

    Meanwhile, JACK is still spying on the whole thing. KERMIT sneaks up behind him and hits him with an oar, knocking JACK unconcious.

    KERMIT​
    (to camera) Er, I'm not usually one for violence, but... Hey, I don't want to be used as leverage either.​

    GONZO cuts PIGGY'S hand with the knife.

    PIGGY​
    Ow! ... Wait, that's it? You drag me all the way here for that?​

    GONZO​
    Of course! It's been a long time since we've had a woman on board. So, what are you doing after the ritual?​

    PIGGY​
    Eee-yuck!​

    GONZO drops the blood-soaked medallion into the treasure chest.

    There is silence in anticipation to see if it worked.

    CLIFFORD​
    Did it work?​

    SAL​
    Well, I don't feel like a chicken... did I feel like a chicken before? Hey, Johnny, did I feel like a chicken?​

    JOHNNY​
    How do we tell if it worked?​

    GONZO draws his pistol and shoots JOHNNY. JOHNNY just stares in shock.

    CLIFFORD​
    Well, you ain't dead.​

    SAL​
    Cool trick, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    (nervously) Heh heh. Thanks, Sal.​

    JOHNNY faints.

    CLIFFORD​
    Man, we're still cursed!​

    Furious, GONZO turns to PIGGY, grabbing the medallion to wave in her face.

    GONZO​
    You! Your father, what was his name? Was your father Bill the Frog?​

    PIGGY​
    (proudly) Ha! Of course my father wasn't Bill the Frog!​

    GONZO​
    (desperate; still furious) Where's his child? The child that sailed from England eight years ago, the child in whose veins flows the blood of Bill the Frog? Where?​

    PIGGY​
    Do you honestly think I'd ever tell--​

    GONZO backhands her, and she falls down the mountain of treasure, grabbing the medallion from GONZO as she goes down.

    PIGGY​
    (stands) Why I oughta--!​

    KERMIT sneaks up behind PIGGY, placing his hand over her mouth and pulling her away to a hidden place. RIZZO is the only one who sees this.

    CLIFFORD​
    (to JOHNNY and SAL) You two brought the wrong person!​

    JOHNNY​
    Hey, I didn't do nuttin'!​

    SAL​
    You tell 'im, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    Sal's the one that said she could come along!​

    SAL​
    What?​

    KERMIT has brought PIGGY to the boat. PIGGY, who hasn't seen KERMIT yet, swings around with a karate chop that gets him in the throat. KERMIT doubles over in pain.

    PIGGY​
    (realizing) *gasp!* Kermie!​

    Back with the pirates...

    CLIFFORD​
    (to GONZO) You brought us here for nothin'!​

    GONZO​
    You plan to mutiny against me, fish face!​

    RIZZO​
    (trying to get GONZO'S attention) Uh, Gonzo...​

    CLIFFORD​
    Man, who you callin' "fish face," hook nose?​

    RIZZO​
    Gonzo!​

    GONZO​
    I be callin' you fish face... fish face!​

    CLIFFORD​
    Oh, heck no!​

    CLIFFORD starts toward GONZO.

    RIZZO​
    (shouting) Gonzo!​

    GONZO​
    (frustrated) Oh, what is it, Rizzo?​

    RIZZO​
    Look!​

    RIZZO points to where PIGGY was. GONZO turns to look and realizes that both she and the medallion are gone.

    GONZO​
    *gasp* (turning back to the pirates) The meda---​

    CLIFFORD punches GONZO in the face.

    CLIFFORD​
    Don't call me fish face.​

    CLIFFORD walks away. GONZO re-adjusts, then...

    GONZO​
    The medallion! She's taken it! After her!​

    The pirates rush to the boats only to find that all the oars have gone missing.

    JOHNNY​
    Hey... the oars are gone!​

    SAL​
    Nice observation, Johnny.​

    The pirates start looking around frantically for their oars.

    This is when JACK stumbles in, not yet fully recovered from the blow to the head. He holds in his hand the only oar left.

    CLIFFORD​
    (spotting JACK) You!​

    JOHNNY​
    Hey. Hey, you're supposed to be dead there.​

    JACK​
    Am I not?​

    JACK looks down at himself, shrugs, and starts to leave. They all point their pistols at him.

    JACK​
    Oh. Umm... Palulay? Palu-li-la-la-lulu, parlili... parsnip, pasley, parsley, par- partner, partner?​

    SAL​
    Oh, you mean "parley?"​

    JACK​
    Parley! That's the one. Parley! Parley!​

    JOHNNY​
    Parley? What's the matter with you, Sal? !​

    SAL​
    Just trying to be helpful, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    How does everybody know this word? Who would come up with such a lousy thing?​

    JACK​
    That would be the French.​

    End scene.
  3. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    HAHAHA! Oh my gosh! The hilarity keeps coming! LOVE it Super Scoot! The fish face exchange between Clifford and Gonzo was just awesome! But my favorite line was...

    That really just had me in hysterics. GREAT stuff, as always! Can't wait for more! :D
  4. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE SIXTEEN

    ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

    KERMIT and PIGGY board. All the crew gather around.

    PIGGY​
    Oh, no. More pirates.​

    FOZZIE​
    (jumps) Ah! Where? ... Oh. Us. Ha ha! Uh, welcome aboard anyway, Miss Piggy.​

    PIGGY​
    Mr. Fozzie? I thought you went missing after th---​

    FOZZIE​
    (interrupting) Uh, no, no. That is, uh, I don't think you know me. We never met before this moment... ever. Maybe. *ahem* Uh, Kermit, where is Jack? Is he on his way?​

    PIGGY​
    (pleasently surprised) Jack? Jack Sparrow? Is he here? Where is he?​

    KERMIT​
    (slight jealousy) Uh, Piggy! (to FOZZIE) Uh, Jack... Jack fell behind.​

    FOZZIE​
    Oh? Oh, no!​

    JANICE​
    Like, what will we do now?​

    FOZZIE​
    (reluctantly) We keep to the code. Yes, it is what... Jack would have wanted. *sigh* (calling out) Weigh anchor!​

    FOZZIE leaves to help ready the ship for their departure.

    ROBIN​
    Uncle Kermit? Will Jack be coming back?​

    KERMIT​
    (feeling guilty) Uh, maybe, Robin... Maybe.​

    INT. CAVE

    GONZO and the pirates surround JACK.

    GONZO​
    So, tell me, Jack Sparrow, if that is indeed your real name...​

    RIZZO​
    What is that supposed to mean?​

    GONZO​
    Intimidation tactic. (to JACK) It must have been some crazy stunt to get off that island! What's your secret? I gotta try it!​

    JACK​
    When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.​

    GONZO​
    Or so you say!​

    RIZZO​
    You have got to cut it out with that!​

    GONZO​
    In any case, it seems my crew--​

    JACK​
    (interrupting) My crew.​

    GONZO​
    MY crew has held a bit of a grudge against you. Boys, you remember Jack Sparrow... Kill him!​

    A bullet goes flying past GONZO, shooting the feather out of his hat.

    GONZO​
    Whooo-hoo! Whoa! Not me, kill him!​

    JOHNNY​
    Oh, uh, sorry there, boss.​

    JOHNNY and SAL chuckle to themselves.

    SAL​
    (whispers) Nice one, Johnny.​

    They all point their weapons at JACK.

    JACK​
    (to GONZO) The girl's blood didn't work, did it?​

    GONZO​
    Hold your fire!​

    The pirates reluctantly lower their weapons.

    SAL​
    Drat!​

    GONZO​
    And what would you know about it, Mr. Sparrow, if that is indeed your--?​

    RIZZO​
    (interrupting) I tell ya, ya say it again, I'll slug ya!​

    JACK​
    I know whose blood you need.​

    INT. INTERCEPTOR - CABIN - NIGHT

    KERMIT is bandaging PIGGY'S hand.

    PIGGY​
    You were late.​

    KERMIT​
    I apologized, Piggy. What do you want from me?​

    PIGGY​
    Grovel.​

    KERMIT​
    I will not grovel!​

    PIGGY​
    I could be dead right now! You didn't show up till AFTER they cut me!​

    KERMIT​
    *sigh* Grovel, grovel.​

    PIGGY​
    (sweetly) Aw, that's nice.​

    KERMIT​
    Well, despite everything, Miss Piggy, I missed you.​

    PIGGY​
    Oh, Kermie.​

    KERMIT leans in to kiss PIGGY. Before he does, though, he notices the medallion around her neck.

    KERMIT​
    What's that?​

    PIGGY​
    (trying to cover) Um... What's what? Ah, ha ha!​

    KERMIT​
    (angry) That's my medallion, Piggy! It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me. Why did you take it?​

    PIGGY​
    Okay, okay. I will tell you. It's because... because I thought you were a pirate! Yes, that's it. I thought you were a pirate. Oh, Kermie, if they found it on you, that... that would have been awful.​

    KERMIT​
    (realizing) It... It wasn't your blood they needed... it was mine. My father was... a pirate!​

    Dramatic music plays.

    INT. BLACK PEARL - CAPTAIN'S CABIN - DAY

    GONZO sits at his desk. A bowl of apples rests on the desk. JACK paces back and forth in front of GONZO.

    GONZO​
    What? ! ? You expect ME to give you MY ship, leaving me stranded on some beach with nothing but my name and your word! The beach thing sounds kinda nifty, but... WHAT? ! ?​

    JACK​
    Wrong. I expect you to give me my ship, leaving you stranded on some beach with absolutely no name at all. Might call your name back to you as I sail away, but I'm still debating that. Savvy?​

    GONZO​
    That still leaves us with one problem... this plan STINKS! You get my ship, my name, my crew--​

    JACK​
    (interrupting) You can keep the crew, mate. 'cept the monkey and the rat. They make me laugh.​

    GONZO​
    And your word?​

    JACK starts digging through apples, trying to find a good one.

    JACK​
    Of the two of us, I am the only one who hasn't committed mutiny, therefore, my word is the one we'll be trusting. Although, I suppose I should be thanking you because, in fact, if you hadn't betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you.​

    JACK takes a bite out of an apple.

    JACK​
    Funny ol' world, innit?​

    CLIFFORD enters.

    CLIFFORD​
    Yo, Gonz, we're comin' up on the Interceptor.​

    ON THE DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL...

    GONZO heads for the bow of the ship, pulling out his spy glass. JACK follows, and stands in front of GONZO at the bow, blocking the view of the Interceptor.

    JACK​
    I'm having a thought here, Gonzo. What say we run up a flag o' truce? I scurry over to the Interceptor, and I negotiate the return of your medallion, eh? What say you to that?​

    GONZO​
    Jack, Jack, Jack. Now, that is ex-ZACTLY the kind of attitude that lost you the Pearl in the first place. We're pirates, Jack! People are so much easier to search... when they are DEAD! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (to SWEETUMS) Lock him in the brig.​

    SWEETUMS grabs JACK and takes him away.

    End scene.
  5. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    Loving it!

    I loved the explanation Kermit gave after hitting Jack with the oar! I am definitely liking this version of the film better than the original! Hilarious and full of Muppet chaos; I couldn't ask for more!

    Except this...

    POST MORE SOON YOU SCURVY BILS RAT!

    hehe
  6. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE SEVENTEEN

    INT. BLACK PEARL - BRIG

    SWEETUMS locks JACK in the brig. Water covers the floor. JACK sloshes around in it a bit.

    SWEETUMS starts to leave.

    JACK​
    (calling after him) Apparently there's a leak.​

    JACK moves to a hole in the wall and watches as the Black Pearl moves quickly toward the Interceptor.

    ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

    The crew is running around, getting ready for an attack. PIGGY and KERMIT enter.

    PIGGY​
    What's going on?​

    FOZZIE​
    (nervously) Ehhh, the Black Pearl's gaining on us. And fast!​

    FLOYD​
    (calm) Yup. Seems like we might be doomed.​

    ANIMAL​
    Doomed! Doomed! Doo-oomed!​

    ANIMAL takes a bite out of the ship.

    FLOYD​
    Animal! That ain't helpin' any!​

    KERMIT​
    Fozzie!​

    FOZZIE​
    Yes, sir! Anything you want, sir!​

    KERMIT​
    We have to make a stand!​

    FOZZIE​
    *groan* Except for that.​

    FOZZIE pats his forehead dry with his tie.

    KERMIT​
    We have to fight. In order to survive, anyway. Load the guns!​

    FOZZIE​
    But, Kermit, we don't have anything to load into the cannons.​

    KERMIT​
    What? Why not?​

    FOZZIE​
    Well, ya see, while you and Jack were gone, there was this old gypsy lady, and she, uh--​

    KERMIT​
    (interrupting) We don't have time for that now, Fozzie! We have to find something we can load into the cannon. ... Load everything we have.​

    FOZZIE​
    Uh, by everything, you mean--​

    KERMIT​
    Anything. Everything! Anything we have left. I suppose it depends on how much the gypsy lady took.​

    FOZZIE​
    Wah, ha ha! Yes, sir! (calling out) Hey! Everybody! Listen! Load the guns! Anything you can find that isn't nailed down! ... And load the nails, too!​

    FOZZIE rushes below deck where he finds ROBIN quickly loading a cannon. FOZZIE leans against the cannon.

    FOZZIE​
    That's a good little frog. I'll help.​

    FOZZIE starts to help ROBIN load the cannon. He's fidgeting. He nervously takes a quick look around, and without realizing it, loads ROBIN into the cannon.

    ROBIN​
    Ack! (inside the cannon) Um, hello?​

    FOZZIE, not hearing ROBIN, fires the cannon!

    OUTSIDE THE SHIPS...

    The shot was fired out the back. We watch as ROBIN flies out of the cannon, toward the Black Pearl.

    ROBIN​
    Wheee!​

    The shot fired sends ROBIN right into the brig with JACK.

    JACK​
    (calling out) Stop blowing holes in my ship!​

    He looks down to find ROBIN, laying in the water.

    JACK​
    Robin?​

    ROBIN stands.

    ROBIN​
    (surprised; happy) Mr. Jack!​

    JACK​
    Captain. Captain Jack. ... Sparrow.​

    ROBIN​
    Boy, am I glad to see you, Mr. Captain Jack, sir!​

    JACK​
    Likewise, slippery-flippery. Now, then...​

    JACK notices the cell door has been blown open.

    JACK​
    Shall we?​

    JACK lifts ROBIN onto his shoulder, and the two run out.

    ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

    FOZZIE is again on deck. PIGGY has taken a position behind the helm.

    PIGGY​
    Now, it is moi's turn to shine! Ah, ha ha! (calling out) Lower the anchor on the right side!​

    They all stare at her.

    FLOYD​
    Man, you are crazy, lady!​

    FOZZIE​
    Ahh! Jack'd be so pleased! (calling out) Lower the port anchor!​

    FLOYD​
    That's left!​

    FOZZIE​
    Who left?​

    FLOYD​
    (calling out) Starboard anchor!​

    FOZZIE​
    Oh, right! Starboard anchor, everybody! Sorry!​

    The anchor is lowered, and the ship swings about... fast!

    The two ships come up side by side.

    Both ships immediately begin firing at each other!

    FOZZIE​
    (nervously) We could use another idea, Miss Piggy.​

    PIGGY​
    Great! How come I always have to get us out of these things?​

    FLOYD​
    I know. We'll give 'em Miss Bacon-breath here.​

    FLOYD laughs.

    PIGGY​
    What? !​

    KERMIT​
    Floyd! They're not after Miss B- eh, Miss Piggy. They're after...​

    KERMIT and PIGGY look to each other knowingly.

    BOTH​
    The medallion!​

    PIGGY​
    It's below deck.​

    KERMIT​
    I'll be back.​

    PIGGY​
    Oh, hurry, my love!​

    KERMIT rushes off to get it.

    INT. BLACK PEARL - BELOW DECK

    JOHNNY and SAL are helping with the cannons. A shot is fired from the Interceptor right into their area! Both look around, expecting the place to be destroyed. Instead, the walls are lined with silverware from the Interceptor's cannon.

    JOHNNY​
    You all right, Sal?​

    SAL​
    (checks) I think so, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    Okay, let's go then.​

    JOHNNY exits.

    SAL tries to follow him, but he is snapped back against the wall. He tries again and again, but he can't move.

    SAL​
    (calling out) Johnny! My tail's pinned to the ship with a fork!​

    ON THE DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL...

    A shot has just been fired from the Pearl that destroys the mast of the Interceptor. It slowly falls down toward the Black Pearl.

    Pirates have started to board the Interceptor. GONZO yells orders to them. RIZZO is on his shoulder.

    GONZO​
    Blast all to carcasses, men! Forward clear to the powder magazine. And the rest of you, bring me the medallion!​

    RIZZO​
    You kiss your mother with that mouth?​

    The mast falls toward GONZO and RIZZO, narrowly missing them.

    GONZO​
    That was so cool!​

    RIZZO​
    (frightened) I'm gonna go change!​

    JACK and ROBIN emerge from the hold. They swing over to the Interceptor, where they are greeted by FOZZIE.

    FOZZIE​
    (happy) Jack! (curiously) Robin?​

    ROBIN​
    I just had the greatest trip!​

    JACK​
    Shot the whole bloody kitchen over there, you couldn't have sent me rum?​

    PIGGY approaches. JACK looks her up and down.

    JACK​
    Where's the medallion?​

    PIGGY tries to slap JACK, but JACK catches her wrist. He notices the bandage around her hand.

    JACK​
    Ahh, where's dear Kermit?​

    BELOW DECK...

    KERMIT is trapped! The water slowly rises.

    KERMIT​
    (calmly; to camera) I wonder if they notice I'm missing. (shouts) Help!​

    ON THE DECK...

    JACK looks and sees RIZZO is standing behind him, holding the medallion.

    RIZZO​
    Looking for this?​

    JACK​
    Rats!​

    JACK chases RIZZO across the mast, but he's too late. RIZZO has handed the medallion to GONZO.

    GONZO​
    Why, thank you, Jack.​

    JACK​
    You're welcome.​

    GONZO​
    Not you. We named the rat... Jack!​

    RIZZO​
    Actually, it's Rizzo. But, hey, you gotta humor him.​

    GONZO​
    (calling out) Bring the prisoners on board!​

    ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

    The pirates light a trail of gunpowder that leads to a collection of powder kegs... but KERMIT is still trapped below deck!

    End scene.
  7. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    SLIPPERY-FLIPPERY! I am quite pleased. And Jack complaining about the rum. And Rizzo's little name correction. And Sal's tail getting stuck. And Kermit being so calm about wondering if anyone's noticed that he's missing.

    MORE PLEASE!
  8. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    HAHAHAHAHA! ! ! Oh my GOSH! This is just one hilarious joke after another! Slippery-flippery! The fact that ROBIN was fired out of a CANNON! HAHA! I LOVED that! Robin with Jack is just awesome too. I really enjoyed Miss Piggy taking the helm--very funny. And Fozzie putting a nervous spin on Mr. Gibbs is wonderful! But the best part has to go to Gonzo and Rizzo's exchange...

    Just WONDERFUL! More PLEASE! :excited:
  9. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE EIGHTEEN

    ON THE BLACK PEARL...

    The Pearl is slowly sailing away from the doomed Interceptor. All of JACK'S crew, with the exception of KERMIT and BEAKER, have been tied to the mast. JACK himself is simply held back by SWEETUMS. JOHNNY and SAL are guarding them.

    JOHNNY​
    Go ahead and tell 'em what I said, Sal.​

    SAL​
    Okay, Johnny. *ahem!* (shouting) Listen up, you mooks! Johnny Fiama says dat what you gotta do is not say any o' that "parley" stuff! Otherwise, what we're gonna do is fit you for a pair o' concrete golashes--​

    JOHNNY​
    (correcting him) Cement shoes, Sal.​

    SAL​
    Eh, cement shoes, and then toss ya into the briny blue! (to JOHNNY; speaking) Say, that rhymed, Johnny.​

    JOHNNY​
    It was beautiful, Sal.​

    JOHNNY and SAL walk away.

    BUNSEN​
    Goodness! Has anyone seen Beaker?​

    Desperate to do whatever she can to save KERMIT, PIGGY breaks free from her ropes, and charges toward the edge of the ship. She's too late. The Interceptor explodes! BEAKER is sent flying from the explosion, landing "safely," and in flames, on the Black Pearl.

    BUNSEN​
    Oh, there you are, Beakie!​

    BEAKER hops up and down, trying to put out the flames. A large wave comes over the side of the ship, putting the fire out. Our now singed BEAKER passes out.

    Furious that KERMIT is now gone, PIGGY attacks GONZO, hitting him several times over.

    PIGGY​
    How dare you hurt my frog!​

    GONZO​
    Ow! Hey, cut it out! Ooof!​

    SWEETUMS grabs PIGGY and pulls her off of GONZO.

    GONZO​
    (to PIGGY) Never on a first date, my dear.​

    KERMIT​
    (o.s.) Unhand her!​

    They all look to see KERMIT leap onto the deck of the ship.

    PIGGY​
    Oh, Kermie!​

    DR. TEETH​
    Hey! It's Kermit!​

    FLOYD​
    Our flippered friend has returned!​

    DR. TEETH​
    This calls for a celebratory musical interlude!​

    DR. TEETH plays a few notes on a keyboard that he has somehow acquired (don't ask me how!).

    DR. TEETH
    (sung)​
    I know a tropical island
    Where the mango moon and banana sun shine.
    And on this tropical island,
    There lives a cousin of mine!

    Sometimes he lives in the water,
    Sometimes he lives on the land,
    Sometimes he likes to go sun himself
    On soft Caribbean sand! Oh, yeah!​

    KERMIT joins him.

    KERMIT AND DR. TEETH​
    He's a Caribbean Amphibian!
    He likes to hop in the tropical sea.
    Caribbean Amphibian!
    A frog in a coconut tree!

    KERMIT​
    (shouting) Everybody!​

    Everyone on board, with the exception of GONZO and JACK, join in. JACK just shakes his head.

    ALL​
    He's a Caribbean Amphibian!
    He likes to hop in the tropical sea.
    Caribbean Amphibian!
    A frog in a coconut tree!
    A frog in the coconut--!​

    GONZO​
    (interrupting) Hold it! Stop! Stop everything! This is ridiculous! Who are you?​

    KERMIT pulls out JACK'S pistol and points it at GONZO.

    KERMIT​
    Gonzo!​

    GONZO​
    I'm Gonzo!​

    KERMIT​
    No, I was... just trying to get your attention... Ya know, with the pistol and everything.​

    GONZO​
    Oh.​

    KERMIT​
    Miss Piggy goes free!​

    GONZO​
    Oh, she does, does she? And how exactly is that going to happen?​

    KERMIT​
    I... I have the pistol.​

    GONZO​
    Ah-ha! But, you forget, you only get one shot, and we can't... DIE! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!​

    JACK​
    (to KERMIT) Don't do anything stupid!​

    KERMIT leaps onto the ledge, and points the pistol at himself, positioning so that he will fall into the sea once his shot has been fired.

    KERMIT​
    You might not be able to die, but I... *gulp* but-but-but I can!​

    JACK​
    That would be doing something stupid, mate. Do you see the difference now?​

    GONZO​
    (curiously; to KERMIT) What would your death matter to us? Who are you?​

    JACK​
    (stepping in front of GONZO) No one! He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch.​

    KERMIT​
    (nobly) My name is Kermit the Frog. My father was Bootstrap Bill the Frog.​

    SAL​
    Hey, he looks just like Bootstrap Bill!​

    JOHNNY​
    Hey, he does! That is spooky.​

    KERMIT​
    You'll do as I say, Gonzo, or Bootstrap Bill's blood will be lost forever.​

    JACK looks down at ROBIN, but says nothing.

    GONZO​
    ... Name your terms!​

    KERMIT​
    Piggy goes free!​

    GONZO​
    Yeah, yeah, we heard that one! What are your other terms?​

    JACK starts pointing at himself.

    KERMIT​
    Uh, and the crew! You can't hurt the crew.​

    GONZO thinks about it a moment, then...

    GONZO​
    Agreed.​

    LATER...

    The Black Pearl is near a small island. The pirates are making MISS PIGGY walk the plank!

    PIGGY​
    (to camera) Well, this is another fine mess they've gotten me into.​

    KERMIT is being held back by CLIFFORD.

    KERMIT​
    Gonzo! You lied! You said she'd go free!​

    GONZO​
    How dare you? ! You suggest that I would go back on my word? Aye, I agreed she'd go free, and she is! However, YOU weren't specific in stating when or where! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!​

    KERMIT​
    Piggy! I'll be back to rescue you!​

    PIGGY​
    I won't hold my breath.​

    JACK is being held by SWEETUMS.

    JACK​
    (to SWEETUMS) I always liked you.​

    SWEETUMS growls at him.

    PIGGY​
    (over-acting) Oh! Oh, this is the end! How could my story end here? So soon before the credits? Oh, how will I ever be sa--​

    GONZO​
    Enough!​

    GONZO pushes her over.

    PIGGY​
    Aaaaahhh!​

    KERMIT​
    Piggy!​

    JACK is dragged up to the plank.

    JACK​
    (to GONZO) I'd really rather hoped we were past all this.​

    GONZO​
    Jack, Jack, Jack. I'm the bad guy! I could hold a grudge for at least two more sequels. By the way, did ya happen to notice? That be the same little island that we made you Governor of on our last little trip.​

    GONZO points out to the distant island.

    JACK​
    I did notice.​

    GONZO​
    Maybe you'll be able to perform another one of your miraculous escapes. And maybe we'll see you again at the Isla de Muerta just in time to rescue your friend, the frog.​

    JACK​
    Maybe?​

    GONZO​
    But I very much doubt it!​

    GONZO unsheathes his sword and brandishes it at JACK'S throat.

    GONZO​
    Goodbye, Jack!​

    JACK​
    Wait! Last time you left me a pistol with one shot.​

    GONZO​
    Why, of course! You're right! How silly of me! (calling out) Where's Jack's pistol?​

    SWEETUMS hands GONZO JACK'S pistol.

    JACK​
    Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols.​

    GONZO​
    How unfortunate for you I'm not a gentleman, then!​

    GONZO laughs maniacally as he tosses the pistol into the sea. JACK dives in after it.

    GONZO continues to laugh.

    RIZZO​
    You ever get tired o' that?​

    GONZO​
    Well, my throat does get kinda hoarse at times.​

    End scene.
  10. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    HAHAHAHAHA! ! ! ! The last lines! ! PERFECTION! And the musical interlude--HILARIOUS! Wowowow! ! ! I just loved this all! Beaker was great, the Mayhem was awesome, Sweetums, Jack, Miss Piggy, Kermit! HAHAHA! Oh but THIS!
    HAHAHAHAHA! PERFECT! ! ! I just LOVE this so much! More please!
  11. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    CARIBBEAN AMPHIBIAN! And the look at Robin and-- and-- HAPPY TOGA! And and and "I could hold a grudge for at least two more sequels." PERFECT! Oh so awesome.

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

    Edit: Prawnie ziffled me! Great Halves think alike...
  12. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE NINETEEN

    EXT. ISLAND - BEACH

    JACK and PIGGY climb up onto the beach. JACK looks back as the Black Pearl sails away.

    JACK​
    That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship.​

    PIGGY​
    How could this happen? To me? I'm supposed to be the star of this movie! They would have never done this to Audrey Hephburn.​

    JACK starts to walk around the island, in search of something, trying to figure out exactly what part of the island he's on.

    PIGGY​
    What are you doing?​

    JACK​
    Looking.​

    PIGGY follows him around.

    PIGGY​
    You were marooned here before, weren't you? We can escape the same way you did then! Now... how do we escape?​

    JACK​
    We don't, love.​

    PIGGY​
    What? But we have to! My Kermie is in danger. We have to get off this island!​

    JACK​
    To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice... possibly, but it won't be me searching - young Kermit will be dead long before you can reach him.​

    JACK starts knocking on a tree trunk. He takes four steps and jumps up and down a few times.

    PIGGY​
    This cannot be happening. You're Captain Jack Sparrow!​

    JACK​
    Thanks for remembering, love.​

    PIGGY​
    What about all those stories? You're supposed to be the best pirate there is! And not a bad looker either. How did you escape last time?​

    JACK​
    Last time... I was here a grand total of three days, all right? Last time...​

    He opens up a hidden cellar door and goes in it.

    JACK​
    (cont'd) ...the rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by, and I was able to barter a passage off. From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Hogthrob to thank for that.​

    He returns with two bottles of rum.

    PIGGY​
    You're kidding. ... That's it? That's the story of the infamous Jack Sparrow's escape?​

    JACK​
    You've forgotten already. It's Captain Jack Sparrow.​

    PIGGY​
    You spent three days on this island getting drunk? And now we're stranded here forever?​

    JACK​
    That's about the size of it.​

    He hands her a bottle of rum.

    JACK​
    Welcome to the Caribbean.​

    He walks away.

    LATER THAT NIGHT...

    JACK and PIGGY have built a large bonfire. They dance around the fire, pretty much drunk.

    BOTH
    (sung)​
    We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs.
    Drink up me 'earties yo ho!
    Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me.​

    JACK​
    Oh, I love this song! ... Really bad eggs!​

    JACK falls down, sitting. PIGGY sits next to him.

    JACK​
    When I get the Pearl back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!​

    PIGGY​
    We'll sail all of the Spanish Main!​

    JACK​
    ... We?​

    PIGGY​
    Of course, Jacky! We've always been "we," you and me.​

    JACK​
    "You and me" would make a we, wouldn't it?​

    PIGGY​
    You will be the most feared pirate in the Spanish Main with me by your side.​

    JACK​
    Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world! Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails and... and...​

    PIGGY​
    A rudder?​

    JACK​
    A rudder. And...​

    PIGGY​
    Longboats?​

    JACK​
    Longboats. And...​

    PIGGY​
    (dreamily) *sigh* Romance?​

    JACK​
    ... Well, that's somethin' entirely different, innit? Anyway, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is, what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom.​

    PIGGY​
    Oh, it must have been terrible for you to be trapped here... all alone. Without any company at all. ... Oh, Jack! Hold me!​

    JACK​
    Miss Piggy, I'm not entirely sure that I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk. But then, when is there ever enough rum?​

    JACK lifts his bottle to toast.

    JACK​
    To freedom.​

    PIGGY lifts her bottle.

    PIGGY​
    To love!​

    JACK​
    To the Black Pearl.​

    JACK gulps down the rest of his bottle, and loses consciousness.

    THE NEXT MORNING...

    JACK wakes to the smell of smoke. He turns around and sees that PIGGY has set the island on fire! He runs to her.

    JACK​
    No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade! The rum!​

    PIGGY​
    Yes, the rum is gone.​

    JACK​
    Why is the rum gone?​

    PIGGY​
    Is that all you care about? Rum? When you have a beautiful lady to share this island with?​

    JACK​
    (desperate) Why is the rum gone? ! ?​

    PIGGY sits at the horizon.

    PIGGY​
    Just wait, Captain Sparrow. The entire Royal Navy is looking for me. They'll see this signal, and you'll see white sails on that horizon in an hour.​

    JACK takes out his pistol to shoot PIGGY. He thinks better of it, puts it back, then storms off.

    As he walks away, he imitates MISS PIGGY.

    JACK​
    "Hold me, Jack! Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must've been terrible for you." Well it bloody is now!​

    JACK stops when he sees the Dauntless approaching the island.

    JACK​
    There'll be no living with her after this.​

    End scene.
  13. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    I added/changed a few things in that scene. I didn't like it. Wasn't funny enough. Still don't like it, but at least I can live with it now.
  14. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    LOVE IT! Jack and Piggy-- er, Elizabeth-- er-- THE LINES SWITCHED! JACK hasn't had enough rum! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it! And Piggy chiming in with all the things a ship HAS... <Happy sigh>

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  15. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Oh I totally agree with everything Lisa commented on! HAHAHA! Jack is just SO GOOD WITH THE MUPPETS! Well... he pretty much IS a Muppet anyway. ;) Loving Gonzo so much in this, he's just perfect, if you're most proud about anything in this tale, it shold be the scourge of the Seven Seas himself, Captain Gonzo!

    This is just great stuff! I can't wait to see Link and Jack interact some more, that'll be fun! So...

    More please! ! !
  16. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE TWENTY

    ON THE DAUNTLESS...

    JACK and PIGGY are now safely aboard. It is crewed by LINK, SCOOTER, ANDY, RANDY and several other PIGS. ROWLF is also on board, and PIGGY is talking to him now...

    PIGGY​
    But, Daddy, we have to save Kermie!​

    ROWLF​
    Who? Who's Kermie?​

    PIGGY​
    Kermit the Frog!​

    ROWLF​
    Oh, yeah! How is ol' Kermit?​

    PIGGY​
    He's been captured by pirates!​

    The whole crew gasps.

    ROWLF​
    I see. Well, that is indeed regrettable, my dear. But we can't just go gallivanting after pirates just for some frog.​

    LINK​
    If he were a pig, perhaps.​

    ROWLF​
    He'd have to be some pig. In any case, darlin', it was his decision to perform acts of piracy.​

    PIGGY​
    He only did it to rescue me!​

    JACK​
    If I may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion. The Pearl was listing near to scuppers after the battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. (trying to entice LINK) Think about it. The Black Pearl. The last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate. How can you pass that up?​

    LINK​
    By remembering that... I'm afraid of pirates! They give me the heebie-jeebies.​

    PIGGY​
    Link, please! Do it for me.​

    LINK​
    What for?​

    PIGGY​
    If you do, I'll... I'll... (unentusiastic) I will marry Link Hogthrob.​

    ALL​
    What? !​

    PIGGY​
    I'm not sayin' it again!​

    ROWLF​
    Miss Piggy, you're accepting Link's proposal? Really? ... Do I smell rum on your breath?​

    PIGGY​
    Yes, I am accepting... the proposal.​

    JACK​
    A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!​

    LINK​
    Well, I always knew you couldn't resist my dashing, debonair... self.​

    PIGGY​
    *groans* What have I done?​

    LINK​
    Mr. Sparrow, take us to... that creepy, weird place you said we were going to.​

    LINK smiles, smuggly.

    INT. BLACK PEARL - BRIG

    JOHNNY and SAL are swabbing the floor. All of JACK'S crew are crammed into one cell, and KERMIT is comfortably alone in another.

    BEAKER​
    Mee mee mee mee mee mee mee.​

    BUNSEN​
    (to JOHNNY and SAL) Oh, dear. Beaker says that you've missed a spot.​

    BEAKER denies this. JOHNNY makes a threatening motion with his mop.

    JOHNNY​
    What'd you say in there?​

    SAL​
    Yeah, what'd you say about Johnny Fiama? You insultin' his swabbin'?​

    JOHNNY​
    Thanks, Sal.​

    SAL​
    Yeah, you better watch out in there! Johnny's ma taught Johnny how to swab decks, and when Johnny gets home to his ma, he's gonna have his ma swab you!​

    JOHNNY​
    That's enough o' that, Sal!​

    FLOYD​
    Hey, you live with your ma? So sad.​

    JOHNNY​
    (defensive) She has a condition! You leave my ma outta this, you!​

    FLOYD laughs.

    KERMIT​
    (to JOHNNY) You knew Bill the Frog?​

    JOHNNY turns around to face KERMIT.

    JOHNNY​
    Yeah. Yeah, I knew 'im. Ol' Bootstrap Bill. Bootstrap never liked what we did to Jack Sparrow when we mutinied. He said it wasn't right with the Code, or some malarchy like that. That's why he sent that piece of the treasure to you. He said... He said we deserved to be cursed!​

    SAL​
    Stupid frogs.​

    FOZZIE​
    He was a good man.​

    JOHNNY shoots FOZZIE a look. FOZZIE covers his face with his hat.

    JOHNNY​
    Anyway, Captain Gonzo didn't like that so much.​

    SAL​
    He didn't like it too much at all! Hey, hey, tell him what- tell him what Gonzo did next, huh? Tell him. Tell him.​

    JOHNNY​
    (snapping at SAL) I'm tellin' the story, here! (muttering to himself) Mama ragazza. (to KERMIT) So the boss... he strapped a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps. And the last we saw of him... he was sinking to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! ... Of course, then we realized we needed his blood to lift the curse.​

    SAL​
    That's what you call ironical.​

    GONZO enters. He points to KERMIT.

    GONZO​
    (to SAL) Bring him!​

    OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

    The pirates have all gone in. The Black Pearl sits in the distance, and so does the Dauntless. LINK, JACK, ANDY, RANDY, and several other PIGS occupy two longboats just outside the cave's entrance.

    LINK​
    (nervous; biting his fingers) Uh, I don't like this. This place is so spooky! If we try to storm the caves, we could be a-a-a-a-a-a-ambushed!​

    JACK​
    Not if you're the one doing the ambushing. I go in, I convince Gonzo to send his men out with their little boats. You and your mates return to the Dauntless and blast the livin' whozitz outta them with your little cannons, eh? What do you have to lose?​

    LINK​
    Uhh... Just you. But, I'm okay with that.​

    JACK​
    (knowingly) Now, to be quite honest with you, there's still a slight risk for those aboard the Dauntless... which includes the future Mrs. Commodore.​

    LINK​
    ... And?​

    JACK​
    (trying to coax the right response from him, with no success) And... perhaps it would be a good idea if she were somewhere... safe.​

    LINK'S still not registering yet.

    ON THE DAUNTLESS...

    SCOOTER and three PIG GUARDS are pulling PIGGY along to her cabin. They're having some difficulty with this task.

    SCOOTER​
    (straining) Uh, sorry, Miss Piggy. Ooof! It's for your own - ack! It's for your own safety!​

    PIGGY​
    Get your hands off of me! I have to warn the commodore! The pirates are cursed!​

    She is finally in the cabin.

    SCOOTER​
    Cursed? Ha ha! Yeah, and I suppose a little mermaid flopped up on deck with her singing crab to tell you that, huh? Ha ha ha ha!​

    PIGGY​
    Why you-! Hiiiiiiiii-​

    SCOOTER shuts and locks the door, just as PIGGY karate chops at him. She hits the door instead.

    PIGGY​
    Ow! Ow! Ow! Oooooh! (angrily) Jack Sparrow! I'll kill 'im!​

    End scene.
  17. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    Wonderful as always!

    I loved it when robin came flying into the ship, and when Jack looked at Robin after Kermit threatened to kill himself and make Gonzo lose the family blood forever!

    I love it all. It is just so funny. Captain Jack Sparrow and the muppets were meant to be together!

    Great Job! Keep posting more!
  18. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Aaaaaargh! Don' be talkin' smack about ma girl Ariel. Now off with ye ya scurvy knave and post more'n this exciting seafaring shanty.
  19. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    HAHAHAHA! ! ! ! Mermaid and her talking crab! TOO FUNNY! I love this stuff! Gotta see more! *tries not to drool*
  20. Super Scooter

    Super Scooter New Member

    SCENE TWENTY-ONE

    INT. CAVE - NIGHT

    The pirates have all gathered around the mountain of gold. GONZO stands on top of it, behind the treasure chest. KERMIT is being dragged to GONZO by JOHNNY and SAL.

    KERMIT​
    Uh, hey listen, fellas. I've been thinking. Ya know, I never believed violence solved anything anyway, so how about you let me go. I could stop off at a blood bank or something on the way back, and send you--​

    JOHNNY​
    Eh, listen, Kermit, baby! There ain't nothin' to worry about here!​

    KERMIT​
    Uh, there isn't?​

    JOHNNY​
    Nah! We're just gonna prick your finger, get a few drops o' blood, and you're done.​

    SAL​
    Yeah, absolutely nothin' to worry about!​

    GONZO​
    (addressing the pirates) Gentlemen! Welcome to the complete and total sacrafice of... Kermit the Frog!​

    The pirates cheer.

    KERMIT​
    "Complete and total sacrafice?"​

    SAL​
    Eh... well, maybe you do have something to worry about.​

    GONZO​
    I present before you now... the blood of Bootstrap Bill! With the sacrafice of this frog, we shall be free! Free! Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!​

    Fireworks go off! The pirates go into a huge celebration!

    The FEMALE SINGERS from The Muppet Show enter.

    FEMALE SINGERS
    (sung)​
    Oh freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
    Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, freedom!​

    KERMIT
    (sung)​
    You better think...​

    FEMALE SINGERS​
    Think!​

    KERMIT​
    Think about what you're trying to do to me!
    Yeah, think...​

    FEMALE SINGERS​
    Think!​

    GONZO​
    Let your mind go, let yourself be free!​

    GONZO AND FEMALE SINGERS​
    Oh, freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
    Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, freedom! ​

    GONZO​
    There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't.​

    FEMALE SINGERS​
    I won't!​

    GONZO​
    I was gonna change, but I'm not, to keep doing things I don't!
    You better think...​

    FEMALE SINGERS​
    Think!​

    KERMIT AND GONZO​
    Think about what you're trying to do to me!
    Yeah, think...​

    FEMALE SINGERS​
    Think!​

    KERMIT AND GONZO​
    Let your mind go, let yourself be free!
    You need me and I need you.
    Without each other, there ain't nothing people can do.​

    JACK enters and starts pushing his way through the crowd of partying pirates.

    JACK​
    Beg your pardon. Excuse me.​

    KERMIT, GONZO AND SINGERS​
    Oh, freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
    Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, Freedom!​

    JACK​
    'scuse me. 'scuse me.​

    GONZO​
    (seeing JACK) Hold everything!​

    The music and celebration stop abruptly.

    GONZO​
    I don't believe it. It isn't possible!​

    JACK​
    Not probable.​

    KERMIT​
    Jack! Where's Miss Piggy?​

    JACK​
    She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Hogthrob, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for Piggy... who is, in fact, a woman.​

    GONZO​
    Quit blabbering! I have a frog to dissect. And you're... next!​

    GONZO holds his knife to KERMIT'S throat!

    JACK​
    You don't want to be doing that, mate.​

    GONZO​
    No, I really think I do.​

    JACK​
    Your funeral.​

    GONZO rolls his eyes and lets out an aggrevated sigh.

    GONZO​
    All right, fine! Why? Why don't I want to kill the frog?​

    SWEETUMS places his hand on JACK'S shoulder.

    JACK​
    Well, because... (slaps SWEETUMS hand off) ... because the HMS Dauntless, pride of the Royal Navy, is floating just offshore. Waiting for you.​

    OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

    LINK, ANDY, RANDY and the PIGS are still waiting in the longboat.

    ANDY​
    Um, Mr. Captain, sir?​

    LINK​
    That's Commodore Captain to you!​

    ANDY​
    Sorry. Mr. Commodore Captain, sir? Why are we here?​

    LINK​
    We're waiting for the pirates!​

    ANDY​
    No, I meant why are we here?​

    LINK​
    ... You mean like in the grand scheme of things?​

    RANDY​
    What is a "ski-ma-thing?"​

    PIG SAILOR​
    Hey, uh, didn't that Jack guy say we was supposed to go back to the ship?​

    LINK​
    Do you always take orders from pirates, sailor?​

    PIG SAILOR​
    Well, uh, no, but, it seems to me like he mighta known somethin'.​

    LINK​
    Yes, but what he knows, I do not. Therefore, we stay right here until he explains.​

    PIG SAILOR​
    (sarcastically) ... Yeah. That makes sense.​

    INT. CAVE

    JACK is explaining his plans to GONZO.

    JACK​
    Just hear me out, mate. You order your men to row out to the Dauntless. They do what they do best. Robert's your Uncle, Fannie's your Aunt, there you are with two ships.​

    GONZO​
    Well, actually, Fannie's my uncle and Bob is my aunt... nine times removed on my mother's side.​

    JACK​
    In any case, mate, with two ships you have the makings of your very own fleet. 'Course you'll take the grandest as your flagship, and who's to argue? But what of the Pearl? Name me Captain! I'll sail under your colors, I'll give you ten percent of me plunder and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Gonzo. Savvy?​

    GONZO​
    And I suppose in exchange for all this, you want me not to kill the whelp.​

    RIZZO​
    What is a "whelp?"​

    JACK​
    No, no. Not at all. By all means, kill the whelp.​

    RIZZO​
    Why are we saying "whelp?"​

    JACK​
    (cont'd) Just not yet. Wait to lift the curse until... the opportune moment.​

    KERMIT notices something in JACK'S eye as he says "opportune moment."

    JACK​
    For instance...​

    JACK picks up a few of the medallions.

    JACK​
    (cont'd) ... after you've killed Hogthrob's men.​

    He tosses the medallions back in, one by one, as he talks...

    JACK​
    Every... last... one.​

    He casually pockets one of the medallions, with no one but KERMIT watching. KERMIT tries to figure out what JACK is up to, but...

    KERMIT​
    You've been planning this all along! Ever since you found out who I was.​

    JACK​
    ... Yep.​

    GONZO​
    I want fifty percent of everything you take!​

    JACK​
    Fifteen.​

    GONZO​
    Forty!​

    JACK​
    Twenty-five. And I'll buy you the hat. A really big one... Commodore.​

    GONZO​
    ... Velvet lining?​

    JACK​
    Is there any other?​

    GONZO​
    We have an accord.​

    They shake hands.

    ALL PIRATES​
    Huzzah!​

    JACK​
    (to the pirates) All hands to the boats!​

    GONZO​
    Excuse me?​

    JACK​
    Apologies. You give the orders.​

    GONZO​
    (to the pirates) Gentlemen! Take a swim.​

    The pirates smile as they walk away.

    JACK​
    (confused) Not to the boats?​

    As the pirates walk out, CLIFFORD stops JOHNNY and SAL, smiling.

    JOHNNY​
    I do not like that look.​

    End scene.


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