Muppets of the Caribbean

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! ! ! ! Oh my GOSH! That shall go down, in my mind, as one of the great scenes in Muppet fan-fiction! *still laughing* Oh my GOSH Super Scoot that was just a stroke of pure genius! Rock on sir!

 

[Redsonga]

We know we belong to the land,
And the land we belong to is grand!

*giggle* Or not so grand *lol* :3

 

[Super Scooter]

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! ! ! ! Oh my GOSH! That shall go down, in my mind, as one of the great scenes in Muppet fan-fiction! *still laughing* Oh my GOSH Super Scoot that was just a stroke of pure genius! Rock on sir!

Well, it wasn't that good. Thanks!

Thanks, everyone! More later tonight...

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE ELEVEN

EXT. TORTUGA - STREET - SHORTLY THEREAFTER

FOZZIE BEAR is fast asleep, curled up in a corner sucking his thumb. JACK and KERMIT approach with buckets of water.

JACK tosses a bucket of water on FOZZIE to wake him. He doesn't wake up. KERMIT tosses another bucket of water on him, but he still won't wake. KERMIT and JACK look at each other, confused.

FOZZIE'S alarm clock goes off, and he sits up, awake.

FOZZIE​

(yawns) *sniff sniff* What smells like wet bear? (smells himself) Oh.​

FOZZIE jumps when he sees JACK standing in front of him.

FOZZIE​

Wah, ha ha! Jack Sparrow!​

JACK​

'ello, Fozzie-wozzie. Thought you were dead for a minute when we couldn't wake ye.​

FOZZIE​

Wake me? (nervous) D-d-don't you know? It's bad luck to try and wake someone while they're sleeping!​

KERMIT​

Uh, when else would you try to wake them?​

JACK​

Fortunately, Mr. Bear, I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink. The man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking.​

FOZZIE​

Um... what was that?​

JACK​

I'm buyin' you a drink, mate.​

FOZZIE​

Oh! Oh, yes!​

INT. TAVERN

The tavern is filled with PIRATES drinking, fighting, and in some cases, both. FOZZIE and JACK sit down at a table with their drinks in hand. KERMIT stands a few feet away, keeping watch.

FOZZIE​

So, Jack, tell me! What brings you to Tortuga, huh?​

JACK​

I'm going after the Black Pearl.​

FOZZIE almost chokes on his drink.

JACK​

I know where it's going to be, and I'm going to take it.​

FOZZIE​

Jack, that's silly! You can't take the Black Pearl!​

JACK​

Why is that, then? All I need is a crew.​

FOZZIE​

But-but-but, Captain Gonzo is one of the most feared pirates there is! And one of the weirdest. What makes you think he'll give up his ship to you?​

JACK​

Let's just say it's a matter of leverage, eh?​

KERMIT hears this, but chooses not to acknowledge it at the moment.

FOZZIE​

Wha-?​

JACK nods toward KERMIT.

FOZZIE​

What is it?​

JACK nods again.

FOZZIE​

Is there something wrong with your neck?​

JACK​

(whispers) The frog!​

FOZZIE​

(shouts) The fro-!​

JACK​

Shhhh!​

FOZZIE​

(whispers) Oh, right. The frog?​

JACK​

That's not just any frog, mate. That is the child of Bootstrap Bill the Frog. His only child... savvy?​

FOZZIE​

Oh! ... I don't get it.​

JACK whispers something into FOZZIE'S ear. He suddenly understands.

FOZZIE​

Oh. Oh! Leverage, eh? Wah, ha ha!​

JACK​

Can you get me a crew?​

FOZZIE​

Well, there's got to be some sailors around here as crazy as you!​

JACK​

One can only hope.​

JACK lifts his mug to toast.

JACK​

Take what you can...!​

FOZZIE opens his mouth to finish the toast, but can't remember it.

FOZZIE​

... Uh, don't tell me, don't tell me. I know this one. I know how it ends. Um... (guessing) Be prepared? ... An army of one? ... (meekly; completely unsure) Where's the beef? (whimpering) Am I getting warmer?​

FOZZIE covers his face with his hat.

JACK​

(dryly) Take what you can, give nothing back.​

FOZZIE​

Ah! Right!​

They tap their mugs together.

End scene.

 

[theprawncracker]

WOOT! That was GREAT! An awesome intro for Fozzie! I really like him as Gibbs! He's going to be great throughout the rest of the story, I just know it! I love how clueless he is... it's perfect! Oh, and my FAVORITE part!

'ello, Fozzie-wozzie.

That was PERFECT! I could so hear Jack saying that. Perfect.

MORE PLEASE!

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWELVE

INT. BLACK PEARL - PIGGY'S QUARTERS - NIGHT

PIGGY is standing alone. JOHNNY and SAL enter carrying a beautiful, purple dress.

JOHNNY​

All right, there, sweet-cheeks. Listen up here. You're gonna be dinin' with the captain tonight. And he asks that you wear this...​

JOHNNY tries to hand PIGGY the dress but she refuses it.

PIGGY​

Well, to quote your cap'taine, "I am disinclined to acquie- ... to ac-que-... to ache-" ... I'm not going.​

JOHNNY​

Yeah, well, he said you might say that.​

SAL​

Well, not that exactly.​

JOHNNY​

And he said that if you said that, then you'd be eating with the crew.​

SAL​

Yeah! And you'd be naked, too!​

JOHNNY​

.... Why do you have to do that, Sal?​

SAL​

Do what?​

JOHNNY​

I wanted to say that line, Sal.​

SAL​

What's it matter, Johnny?​

JOHNNY​

What does it matter? ! I was gonna say it like I always say things! Real suave and cool and like that.​

SAL​

Wait a minute. You want to see the pig naked?​

JOHNNY​

I- I didn't say that, Sal.​

SAL​

*gasp* You do! (shouting) Hey, everybody! Johnny Fiama wants to see the pig in her birthday suit!​

SAL starts cracking up laughing.

JOHNNY​

That's enough of that, Sal!​

SAL continues laughing.

JOHNNY​

(disgusted; to PIGGY) Just eat with the boss.​

He hands her the dress and exits.

INT. BLACK PEARL - CAPTAIN'S CABIN

All kinds of food have been laid out. GONZO and PIGGY sit at the table. RIZZO is also sitting at the table, scarfing down anything he can.

GONZO​

(to PIGGY) Have you met our resident rat on board?​

RIZZO​

Rizzo. Nice to meet ya.​

RIZZO goes right back to eating.

PIGGY is eating very daintly.

GONZO​

There's no one to impress here, Missy!​

PIGGY thinks for a moment, then starts eating the way a pig would from a trough.

GONZO​

Whoo! Way to go back to your roots! More wine?​

GONZO hands her a goblet of wine.

GONZO​

Try the... apples!​

A thunder clap at the word "apples."

PIGGY​

It's poisoned! You're trying to poison me!​

GONZO​

You ain't no Snow White, there, Piggy! I wouldn't poison you with an apple. I love apples.​

GONZO kisses the apple.

PIGGY​

Weirdo.​

GONZO​

Yes? Oh. Anyway, there would be no sense in killing you anyway, Miss Piggy.​

PIGGY stands.

PIGGY​

Oh! Well, then, it was a nice trip. Sorry to eat and run, but if you won't be killing me, then I'll just be going now.​

She tries to leave, but GONZO stops her.

GONZO​

Hold it right there, fair maiden! You won't be going anywhere just yet!​

GONZO takes out the medallion.

(Note: from this point on in the scene, GONZO speaks very eerily. Still very much over the top, however.)

GONZO​

(about medallion) You don't know what this is, do you?​

PIGGY​

It's an old, beat up, gold medallion. What's to know?​

GONZO​

This, my dear, is Aztec gold! One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortés himself. It was blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortés was insatiable. So the heathen gods placed upon the gold a terrible curse.​

RIZZO​

Absolutely terrible! (points to PIGGY'S food) You gonna eat that?​

GONZO​

Any mortal that removes but a single piece from that stone chest shall be punished for... eternity!
​

PIGGY​

"Eternity?" Oh, brother! This isn't some ghost story, is it?​

GONZO​

Aye! A ghost story that! Buried on an Island of Dead what cannot be found except for those who know where it is. We found it. There was the chest! Inside was the gold. And we took them all! We spent them and traded them and frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company!​

RIZZO​

Did somebody say "fritters?"​

GONZO​

The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Piggy. Compelled by greed then, but now... we are consumed by it!​

RIZZO​

Ha ha! That stuff is priceless, Gonzo! Real funny stuff.​

GONZO​

(to RIZZO) It's not supposed to be funny. This is the serious part of the movie.​

RIZZO​

Oh. ... Eh, I can take it or leave it.​

GONZO shakes his head in disgust, then turns back to PIGGY.

GONZO​

(stating it as if it's no big deal) Anyway, there is one way we can end our curse. All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored... and the blood repaid. And, thanks to you, we have the final piece.
​

PIGGY​

And the... *gulp* blood?​

GONZO​

(returning to his eery delivery) That's why there's no sense in killing you... yet!​

PIGGY tries to run away, but GONZO catches her at the door. He grabs her and starts taking her out the door to the deck.

GONZO​

Where do you think you're going, deary? I'm not through yet! You see, we are not among the living, and so we cannot die, but neither are we dead. For too long I've been parched with thirst and unable to quench it! Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died! I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh. For, you see, in the moonlight we're revealed for what we truly are. In the moonlight, I become...​

GONZO steps out into the moonlight, where he does indeed become...

GONZO​

B-Kawk! ... a CHICKEN!​

PIGGY starts to scream, until she realizes he's just a chicken.

PIGGY​

Wait a minute. That's it? That's what all the hype was about? That's the curse of the Black Pearl?​

GONZO​

Gruesome, isn't it?​

PIGGY​

You're just a chicken!​

GONZO​

An un-dead chicken.​

PIGGY​

What's the problem? I thought you liked chickens.​

GONZO​

Well, sure I do. But what fun's having a bunch of chickens around if you can't be the rooster?​

GONZO wiggles his eyelids.

PIGGY​

This is ridiculous.​

GONZO grabs her and makes her look at his crew.

GONZO​

Look, Missy! See my crew? How they're haunted by this?​

PIGGY​

If you don't get your hands off me, I'll--​

GONZO​

(shouting) Look at them!​

The crew, as chickens, go about doing chickenly things and chanting...

CHICKENS​

B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!
B-awk, buck buck buck!​

Though the chickens aren't doing anything chickens wouldn't normally do, the scene is shot in a way that makes it really quite frightening. PIGGY looks around frantically as the chickens continue with their creepy chant. Finally, she screams and runs back into the captain's quarters.

RIZZO comes out just as GONZO locks PIGGY in. GONZO starts laughing maniacally, then chokes.

RIZZO​

You okay?​

GONZO​

*cough cough* I swallowed my gum. *cough cough*​

GONZO resumes his maniacal laughter.

End scene.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

... Chickens! ? Oh boy, that was unexpected, even from me!

Anyway, that was so Gonzo of him to say that! And Johnny and Sal's part was funny, too!

Now, for Prawnie to read and scream over this chapter...

~ AnimatedC

 

[The Count]

*Emerges from one of the hatches... Sorry, but Prawny's been locked away much like Piggy until he updates his own tale. *Stares at Cait with big batty chicken eyes and a smile on his face... Horrible isn't it?
*Ducks back down into the bowels of the library to keep reading as Scooter keeps posting.

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE THIRTEEN

EXT. DOCK - DAY

JACK'S crew is lined up for his inspection. The crew consists of DR. TEETH, FLOYD, JANICE, ZOOT, ANIMAL, ROBIN, BEAKER, BUNSEN and a PIG with a hat down over "his" face.

JACK, KERMIT and FOZZIE inspect the crew.

FOZZIE​

Well, there you are, Captain. A faithful crew... And they're pretty crazy as expected.​

FOZZIE salutes JACK.

KERMIT​

This is a crew?​

JACK​

(without enthusiasm) Welcome to piracy, lad. (to BEAKER) You, sailor!​

FOZZIE​

Oh, that's Beaker.​

JACK​

Mr. Beaker, do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?​

BEAKER​

Meep, mee mee mee mee, moo moo, meep meep!​

JACK​

... What?​

BUNSEN​

Why, of course he does, sir! Beaker's only too happy to serve.​

BEAKER protests, frantically shaking his head "no."

BUNSEN​

Oh, Beakie! Quit fooling around!​

KERMIT​

(seeing ROBIN) Robin! What are you doing here?​

ROBIN​

Aw, Uncle Kermit! I want to be a pirate. It sounds like fun!​

KERMIT​

There is no way that you're going to be a pirate. Go home to your father now.​

ROBIN​

Aw, I wanted to be a pirate.​

JACK​

Wait. Let the lad stay. We're going to need all the help we can get.​

KERMIT​

What?​

PIG​

(to JACK) What'll be the benefit for us going with you?​

JACK, knowing the voice, creeps over to the PIG. He takes off the hat to reveal SPAMELA HAMDERSON. The whole crew (with the exception of JANICE) start whistling, panting, and other typical male reactions.

SPAMELA​

Hello, boys!​

JACK​

Spamela.​

She slaps him.

KERMIT​

(to JACK) I suppose you didn't deserve that one either.​

JACK​

No, that one I deserved.​

SPAMELA​

(bubbly) Well, I bet you didn't expect to see me again. Do you still have my boat?​

JACK​

Funny thing about that. You see, it sort of... it sort of... sunk.​

She slaps him again. The other pirates giggle.

SPAMELA​

You stole it. I don't like you anymore. Hmmph.​

JACK​

Borrowed! I borrowed your boat... without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back to you. And I still have every intention of doing so... possibly... if it can be raised up.​

KERMIT​

We don't have time for this, Jack. (to SPAMELA) You'll get another boat.​

JACK​

Yes, of course you'll get another one.​

SPAMELA​

Well, I'd better.​

KERMIT​

A better one.​

JACK​

A better one!​

KERMIT​

(points to the Interceptor) That one.​

JACK​

What one? (sees; infuriated) That one? !​

KERMIT​

Sure.​

JACK​

Not that one.​

KERMIT​

Why not?​

JACK​

It's such a pretty boat.​

KERMIT​

And what are you gonna do with it?​

JACK​

Build me a fleet!​

KERMIT​

That's just selfish.​

JACK​

(pointing to himself) Pirate!​

KERMIT just stares at him.

JACK​

(reluctantly) Aye. That one. (to the crew) What say you?​

CREW​

Aye!​

The crew starts toward the Interceptor.

FOZZIE​

(to JACK) Captain, you shouldn't have done that. It's bad luck to have a woman on board the ship.​

JACK​

I think you'll get no objections from the crew, Mr. Bear.​

DR. TEETH​

(to JANICE; on the way to the ship) Hey, if having women on board is bad luck, how come you got on?​

JANICE​

Oh, like, everyone's always forgetting about me, man.​

FLOYD​

Yeah, she's like the Ringo of our group. (laughs)​

JANICE​

Fer sure!​

ANIMAL​

Ring-go! Ring-go! Aaah!​

FOZZIE​

*sigh* I have a bad feeling about this...​

ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

After the Interceptor has set sail, and is out in the open water, a storm hits. The CREW rush around deck trying to make sure everything is set for the storm, with the exception of the Electric Mayhem who are just chilling in a corner. JACK is at the helm, looking at his compass.

KERMIT approaches FOZZIE.

FOZZIE​

I knew this was a bad idea.​

KERMIT​

Fozzie, how are we supposed to find this island if no one knows where it is, and we don't even have a working compass?​

ROBIN goes flying around the deck, caught up by the wind.

ROBIN​

Uncle Kermiiiiiiiiit!​

KERMIT​

(calling out to ROBIN) You wanted to be here, Robin! Just remember that!​

ROBIN grabs hold of a rope and flies like a kite in the wind.

ROBIN​

Wheeee!​

FOZZIE​

(to KERMIT) You're right that the compass doesn't point North... but are we trying to find North? ... Wait. Are we? Oh, I feel so lost right now.​

FOZZIE goes to speak with JACK. JACK has a smile on his face.

FOZZIE​

Captain, how can you be happy at a time like this?​

JACK​

We're catching up.​

End scene.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

*flies around with Robin* WHEE!

EEEEEEEEE! ! ! THE EM ON THE SHIP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! ! ! *screaming like the giddy fangirl she is*

*eagerly awaits the next update*

~ AnimatedC