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Once Upon My Heart.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by green stuff, Aug 8, 2006.

  1. Leyla

    Leyla Well-Known Member

    Hey, great job there. Very very sweet and funny. I always like to see Kermit exasperating, and Fozzie certainly has a knack for it. Actually, Kermit's quite on top of his game here with those jokes, and that's nice to see too.

    Looking forward to more!
  2. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    This is great! I love the comment at the beginning about coffee tasting like Ovaltine with enough sugar. I take it that was a jab at "Hey if you put enough sugar in this, it tastes just like Ginger-Ale!" from The Great Muppet Caper?

    I also like the comparison you draw between Fozzie and Kermit- how they're both the same age, but Kermit's married and Fozzie has never even had a girlfriend. I've always found that interesting about Fozzie... And might I add, the idea of hecklers that make Statler and Waldorf look like child's play, just chills me. I love your diction there!

    Also, the flashback is wonderful. And then the stuff at the end where Fozzie just can't quite get the idea is priceless! I could actually picture that on The Muppet Show or something, it's definitely something they would do. I like the part about "if Kermit had hair," too. But I absolutely love the last line. Priceless!

  3. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well, little things that need a bit of cleaning up when you tackle the next chapter...

    But all in all, this was a very good chapter.
    Interesting to see how you portray the comparison between Kermit's and Fozzie's lives...
    Also interesting to gain a broader view of Fozzie's lifestyle, with the flashback and the vegetable drenching from his regular shows.

    One of the lines I loved was how you say that being friends/talking with Kermit is magical, and he was working some of his magic right now.

    The bit where Fozzie slowly gains some confidence with the "fools" joke, and the dialogue at the end muddling up the plans like that...
    Priceless, and a great way to end the chapter, Kermit exasperated unable to take any more Muppet mix-ups.
    Please post more as soon as you've got it ready.
  4. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Ooh! I really really like this story! It's very funny! I loooove Fozzie, he's in perfect character! Keep it up!
  5. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Well, first of all, thanks everyone for your positive remarks! I'm so glad to know that you guys like it so far...I was so scared you wouldn't. Now then, on to my remarks--

    First--very good, Lisa, you saw my reference to The Great Muppet Caper. Yaaaaay! I thought that everyone would have picked it up, but you were the only one. If anyone else noticed, they didn't speak up! Also, thanks bunches for your compliments *blushes furiously* I dunno what to say...except thank you, and more coming soon.

    Count--Thank you so much for your kind remarks. You do have to admit that I am getting better at this fanfiction thing though, eh? Yes, I do have improvements to make, but I assure you, I'm working on it.

    Prawn Cracker-- Thank you! How awesome of you to complement me! *blushes again* how very kind of you! I'm glad you like it

    More coming soon,everyone
  6. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    p.s. Leyla, I didn't forget you, you just didn't fit in the box the first time. Thank you for reading the story! I'm glad you like it, and I hope you come back for more!
  7. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Chuckling... Well, yes we spotted it... But once one of us spots a reference like that and comments on it, we pretty much all know about the reference, explaining why we may not all say so in our reviews. Besides, it'd get a bit repetitive counting/reading each post between chapters if they all said "such and such quote is from this source or that story" if you understand what I'm saying.
    And yes, you've gotten better at the fanfictional retelling... Very much looking forward to the next installment.
  8. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    I thought you guys might have noticed it too, Count. I was just playing with you guys. Gah! But I shouldn't be playing! I should be posting! *goes back to posting cave*
  9. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Ok...so chapter four is taking a little longer to polish than I expected..but I promise you, you will most certainly have more story to read tomorrow.
  10. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Chapter 4
    Later that day….

    ‘’Bye guys! Have a great weekend!’’ After yet another humdrum day at Valley High School, Robin waved goodbye to all his friends, and anticipated yet another boring weekend. Between work and studying he hardly had time for friends anymore. In the last few months, especially, Robin had actually lost a couple of friends because he just didn’t have the time anymore. He tried to not let that fact bother him too much and still keep his head in the game, but it actually did bother him. Yet somehow, no matter how much Robin tried to avoid it, it seemed to him that he reminded himself of someone he knew- only in teenage form……

    As Robin mounted his bicycle, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander back to the dream, just as it seemed to do automatically these days. The star. The thing he wanted the most. This was always the part that Robin would get stuck on. He couldn’t think of anything that he wanted…well, at least very badly anyway… badly enough to have a dream about that is. The thing about it was, is his heart of hearts, Robin was just a normal teenager. He had lots of friends, good grades, a job he enjoyed, and a supportive and loving family to come home to every day. What more could anyone ask for…….right?

    Finally, Robin just decided to shake it off. Perhaps he was just thinking too
    hard about it. He thought about it like the time when he was four, and couldn’t find his favorite teddy bear. Robin searched everywhere, but he just couldn’t find it. At last, Robin began to cry, but Kermit came, dried his tears, and read him his favorite story, ‘Oh, the Places You’ll Go.’ When Kermit was finished reading the story, he helped Robin look for his toy, and there, under the bed, was Valen the teddy bear. Robin was so overjoyed to find it, he rushed right into Kermit’s arms to give him a hug. He thought that Valen was gone forever, so needless to say, he was more than a little relieved to have found him. Kermit simply patted him on the back and explained to him that sometimes, when you look too hard for things, you don’t find them. To find the things you’re looking for, sometimes you have to slow down, and give it time. This time, that was just what Robin decided to do.

    By now, Robin had arrived home- 309 Forest Avenue. He sighed as he dismounted and rolled the bike into the garage. Actually, it was through the garage door that Robin entered the house, just to save himself from having to walk all the way around to the front door. In a rather glum mood, Robin turned the doorknob and pushed through, hoping he would be unnoticed. But, then again, considering who his aunt and uncle were, this was next to impossible. Still, a fellow can dream, can’t he? Trudging through to the kitchen, he both Piggy and Kermit there. Kermit was busy writing something down frantically in a black notebook he always kept, and Piggy was putting some freshly made cookies into a blue cookie jar.

    Robin stopped, almost dead in his tracks. After about fifteen years of living with these two, it was still just a little weird, not to mention unusual, when he caught them in moments of domesticity like this. It was just so…unlike them. Normally, either Kermit was busy in his office writing a screenplay, or Piggy was at a photo shoot, or out shopping, or they were off at a failed attempt at a romantic evening alone, (because it’s impossible for them to have an entire evening alone) or clamoring for each other’s affection. However, to catch them in moments like these made Robin wonder, Am I in the right house? It just wasn’t natural.

    Both Kermit and Piggy looked up when Robin came through the door. He was greeted with both their warm smiles and kind words.’’
    ‘’Hey, welcome home, sport!’’
    ‘’Robbie’s home! Did you have a good day, sweetie?’’
    ‘’Of course I did, Aunt Piggy,’’ Robin said with a chuckle. The sweet aroma of freshly made cookies filled his nostrils, and led him to the counter. He lifted his hand to take one straight off of the cooling rack, but that would be impolite. So, Robin asked in his sweetest voice,’’ Oh, um, are these cookies for me?’’

    ‘’Of course they are, silly,’’ said Piggy warmly. ‘’They’re your favorite, chocolate chip and horsefly,’’ Piggy dished out two or three and put them on a saucer for Robin.
    ‘’I made them just for my favorite guy.’’
    ‘’Hey!’’ said Kermit, clearly objecting. ‘’I thought I was your favorite guy!’’
    ‘’You are dear,’’ she said with yet another cookie in her hand. ‘’Can’t a lady have two favorite boys in her life?’’
    ‘’No,’’ said Kermit, sulking. He slunk back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. He had the most pouty look on his face that one could muster. Needless to say, it was pathetic---and priceless to Piggy.

    ‘’Oh hush, dear,’’ She stuffed the cookie in his mouth to keep him from arguing further.
    Meanwhile, Robin was in the corner, savoring every bite of his cookie. The chocolate chips were still hot, so they melted on his tongue, and he just loved the way that the horseflies tickled his throat.
    ‘’Mmmmm, horseflies!’’ he commented. Piggy smiled as she took a seat on Kermit’s lap, and Kermit wrapped his arms around her waist.
    ‘’Yeah,’’ Kermit chuckled. ‘’Just don’t tell Horace!’’

    The happy family laughed in contentment as they all enjoyed the cookies together. Robin looked around and saw how happy his aunt and uncle were. He saw them smile at each other, and steal a kiss right in front of him. When he was younger, he had no problem expressing his opinion of how gross he thought that was, but now, he didn’t seem to mind so much. In fact, he kind of enjoyed watching them kiss, mostly because he wondered what it was like. The pressures of senior high school and college consumed most of his time and energy, hardly leaving him time for friends, much less a significant other at this time. He truly wondered what it was like, sharing a kiss with someone who loves you.

    It must feel really nice,
    he thought. to have everything you’ll ever want or need right there, all in one person. I wonder what a kiss is like.
  11. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Note: this is chapter 4, part one. I just wanted you guys to have something to read before you start pointing those cannons at me. Part two coming up soon. Promise!
  12. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    And what a nice start to the chapter it was... The story of how Robin found his lost teddy bear, that'll make someone I know squeee.
    Of course, there's the chocolate chip horsefly cookies... Guess you're borrowing that same recipe book Ru has.
    And I kind of find the thought processes interesting, especially how you're explaining what's going on in Robin's life.

    Very good, keep it coming!
  13. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Count, there's a recipe book? I didn't know there was...Oops. Sorry if I did something I wasn't supposed to.
  14. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    You didn't do anything that you weren't supposed to, don't worry a speck about that.

    But ooh! I love how Robin is wondering what a kiss feels like... Ooh... Oh I love this so much! MORE PLEASE!
  15. Leyla

    Leyla Well-Known Member

    Hmm... enjoying this a lot! The ushy gushy was yummy and Robin wondering what a kiss is like...lovely! I enjoyed the lines about how strangely domestic the scene was when Robin returned and you know, Robin is just as charming as a teenager as he is as a child.

    Keep an eye on your tenses, occasionally (not frequent enough to be annoying, don't worry) you slip into present when it should be past tense. I'd suggest keeping it all in past tense, except for dialogue, which should mostly be in present. This is just a suggestion, and meant to be helpful. You're doing a good job and I'm definately enjoying the story.

    One other little pet peeve of mine, which perhaps I shouldn't mention, that you've inadvertantly treaded on was Piggy calling Robin, "Robbie". Piggy has a slew of nicknames for Kermit, and has on one occasion called Rowlf, Rowlfie, but other than that she doesn't really tend to use diminutives for the other characters. I suppose, because she's now living with Robin, she might take it up... but it just feels weird to me. It's one of those gut reaction, nails on a chalkboard kind of reactions.

    Still, that's just my opinion on the matter, and we all have different takes on characters, so by all means, if it feels right to you, go ahead and keep at it. It won't stop me from reading, or enjoying your writing. :)

    Oh, and a few more specific things I liked, your use of the book "Oh, the places you'll go, and Valen as the name of the teddy bear, and Kermit's advice to Robin, all very sweet.

    I loved that whole paragraph! And Robin's right, it is weird, but sweet and lovely and good. "Clamoring", nice word choice there, and such a great image of Kermit and Piggy together. <is not a fangirl> <shifty eyes>

    I'm looking forward to the next part! <hugs>

  16. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    No... You didn't do anything wrong GreenStuff. Just a noticing from me, given that Ruahnna's dipped into that strange froggy cuisine as well in one of her more recent chapters. Just commenting on my part.
    Something else I liked was the bit of role reversal where Kermit was protesting over Piggy calling Robin her favorite guy... And his bit of sulking, what with Piggy then just deflecting his crossness almost instantly.

    Looking forward to more... *Oh Lisa and Leyla... If you could post some more of your own stories...
    *Got a nice little Antarctic fowl here who'd like to explode his feelings on the lack of updates.
  17. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    Ok...Leyla...sorry I gave you a gut, sort of nail on the chalk board kind of reaction. That makes me feel bad...so I'll never do it again, I promise!! Ah...*fights back tears* just kidding. No seriously, if it bothers you that much, I will do that no longer...now then, back to my posting cave.
  18. Leyla

    Leyla Well-Known Member

    Oh... you're kidding, right, about that being sad thing... 'cause I didn't mean to make you sad! I like it, I do! I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't respect you as a writer... and like I said, it woudn't keep me out of this story... <tries not to feel guilty>
  19. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    well...in all honesty, I'm only half kidding...um...I hope that doesn't make you feel bad, b/c that's not the goal...um...back to my posting cave!
  20. green stuff

    green stuff Well-Known Member

    I'm not on the verge of tears or anything, but I just feel kinda bad that I got that kind of reaction out of you. Bad form on my part. Easily fixed.

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