Guys, here's the last of this screenplay written by the 5ive! I'm sorry that it's not in proper screenplay format...but frankly...it isn't.
Beau
-
INT. CASINO- OFFICE
JAMESON
Ah! Mr. The Frog! I expected you might call.
KERMIT(v.o.)
I thought as much. I've got a bone to pick with you. Meet me downstairs in the casino at six o'clock. Don't be late.
KERMIT hangs up on JAMESON. JAMESON makes a scowl and hangs up.
JAMESON
Perfect.
JAMESON sits back for a moment then reaches out to the intercom button on the desk.
JAMESON
Miss Gracie, bring that Scoter kid back in here. I've got a proposition for him.
CUT TO
Scene 40
INT. CASINO
RICHARD JAMESON sits at a table apparently alone. He looks down at his watch.
JAMESON
How very convenient for them to be late for their own appointment.
POLLY
(from under table)
Boss! Boss!
POLLY peeks out from under the table.
POLLY
Hey, boss. Psst! How long are we going to have to wait down here?
JAMESON
Will you shut up and get back under the table?
CLUELESS
(from under table)
I have to use the little goat's room!
MAD MONTY
(from under table)
That's it! I'm out of here!
POLLY
Will you shut up???
MAD MONTY
Well, if he's going to be-
CLUELESS
You guys! I really gotta go!
POLLY
He's really gotta go boss!
JAMESON sighs.
CLUELESS
It's coming! It's coming!
POLLY
Boss!
MAD MONTY
Get me out of here!!!
JAMESON
Can't you hold it?
CLUELESS
Damaging! Hurry up!!!
POLLY
(to CLUELESS)
Would you use a cup or something?
CLUELESS
Too much!
JAMESON
Alright! Alright! But, hurry up and get back here!
CLUELESS rushes out from under the table.
CLUELESS
Thank you!!!
JAMESON
Ugh!
(notices POLLY staring at him)
Will you get back under the table???
POLLY
Oh, right!
POLLY goes back under the table. JAMESON looks up and spots KERMIT and FOZZIE as they enter and approach the table dressed in their tuxes.
JAMESON
Ah! Mr. The Frog! Welcome to my casino! How do you like it? Can I get you a drink? Some lemon scented tissues? Maybe a cracker, or a sandwich? Though I hardy think it will be as good as the prison food.
FOZZIE
They serve steak on Saturdays.
JAMESON
You must let me get you a drink it's the least I can do.
KERMIT
Cut the small talk, Jameson. We know what you've done.
FOZZIE
Yeah!
KERMIT
I've spent the last two weeks stuck in a dingy jail cell worried about whether or not I would ever see the outside world again with a Weirdo and an annoying bear. And I want justice!
FOZZIE
Yeah!
(does a double take)
You think I am annoying?
KERMIT
No, Fozzie, I was just emphasising my point.
FOZZIE
Well, you could have done it without being so harsh.
KERMIT
Fozzie, I'm trying to-
FOZZIE
I mean, the least you could have done was use some word I don't understand, but to hurt my feelings.
KERMIT
Fozzie! I wasn't even serious! The jail cell wasn't even dingy!
FOZZIE
You really shouldn't-
KERMIT
(looses temper)
Fozzie!!!
FOZZIE
...Oh, right. Sorry, Kermit.
KERMIT
Yeesh!
(to JAMESON)
Now, you... Grr! Fozzie, I forgot what I was saying!
JAMESON
You were mentioning sharing confined spaces with a retarded bear?
KERMIT
Oh, yes, right.
FOZZIE
You had to bring that up again.
(KERMIT looks at him angrily)
Sorry.
JAMESON
Well, Mr. The Frog, I must say, I am surprised at your reaction. After all, what's a little harmless practical joke?
KERMIT
A joke??? I'm being threatened with 13 years in prison down the street from my own home!
JAMESON
Now, that part did get a little out of hand. Still it’s just like a home from home that’s all.
KERMIT
Don't act so innocent. It doesn't suit you.
JAMESON
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Don't kid yourself, frog. I know where you get off.
KERMIT
... Wait, what?
JAMESON
.... Er, I'm not certain where I was going with that. But, anyway, I must thank you for taking the fall for that. Who would have thought Kermit the Frog, friend of the children, actor, etc, would be convicted of a crime such as this. It doesn't surprise me. Look at Pee-Wee Herman.
FOZZIE
You know, Kermit, he makes a very good point.
JAMESON
Take it from the frog over there.
KERMIT
Wha- but he's a bear.
JAMESON
Oh, right. The hat.
FOZZIE
Listen, we know you framed my friend Kermit here. And we're going to make sure you go to jail for what you've done!
JAMESON
What? Me? Frame Kermit?
KERMIT
Well, you already admitted to it.
JAMESON
... Oh, dang! I knew I shoulda rehearsed this!
CLUELESS comes running back from the bathroom.
CLUELESS
Excuse me.
CLUELESS goes back under the table.
KERMIT
... Anyway, you're not going to get away with this. We have laws in this country, and they get enforced!
JAMESON
Laws? Laws! Laws are bought. There's only one law that has any real meaning here. And I think you know what that law is.
FOZZIE
... No.
JAMESON
It's-uh, um, with the, uh... Money! Whoever has it, wins.
KERMIT
You're wrong.
JAMESON
I'm never wrong.
KERMIT
You are today.
FOZZIE
Nice one.
KERMIT
Thank you.
JAMESON
Do you even get it? I've won! I already have!
KERMIT
Why me?
JAMESON
Why not? Children look up to you! Parents look up to you! Freakishly unpopular teenagers look up to you! You're like a God to them! It's time you were put in your place. And I'm here to make sure you are. Besides, I needed a scape-goat! They're counterfeit penguins, it seems fitting to blame you.
FOZZIE
Besides, Kermit, this is a Muppet movie.
JAMESON
Another point I nearly overlooked. Thank you, bear.
FOZZIE
Don't mention it.
KERMIT
Fine, but why’d you do it?
JAMESON
Why does anyone do anything? To get out of trouble!
KERMIT
What?
JAMESON
Oh, come on! You don’t think I just woke up this morning and decided to frame someone!
FOZZIE
Technically, you would have had to wake up a long time ago and decided you were going to...
(beat)
I’m going to be quiet now.
JAMESON
Come now! For the past 3 months, all over the news there has been reports of some secret organization planting programs in all the Vegas cainos that allow casino funding to be transferred from their accounts, to somewhere else. Who do you think stole all the money from the casinos? Who do you think has been behind it all? Who do you think had the brains to think that whole scheme up?
KERMIT
Bill Gates?
JAMESON
Me!!! That money is all mine now! And thanks to you and your little counterfeit spree, I got away with everything! The penguins, the robbery, the fraud, everything! Shortly after you were proven guilty, the entire case about
‘somebody’ robbing all the casinos in this area was brushed aside. The entire thing doesn’t matter anymore, they have you, the big entertainment scandal that broke out, to use all their energies on. Jack the Ripper could attack tomorrow and no one would care because of you. You’ve done the criminal world a great favor, Kermit. Thank you!
KERMIT
But, but, but.
RIZZO, dressed as a waiter, comes out and approaches JAMESON with what looks like a bill.
RIZZO
Excuse me. Sign here please.
JAMESON
Oh, yes. Wouldn't want to steal my meal too! Ha!
JAMESON signs and RIZZO walks off.
JAMESON
So, Kermit. Why don't you just go back to your little cell, and wait.
KERMIT
What??? You're kidding me!
JAMESON:
No, I'm not. Now, you have until the count of... ten, at which point, if you are not out of here, you will never see the light of day again. One...
KERMIT
Jameson, the fact that this is a Muppet movie isn't the only thing you overlooked.
RIZZO returns with the "bill."
RIZZO
Your busted, buster! Read 'em and weep! A signed confession from you! Ha! You'll go to jail for life for this!
KERMIT
Mmm-hmm. Countrerfeit, fraud, and framing. A triple F. And besides every Muppet Movie has a happy ending.
RIZZO
...All those years of Sesame Street did you no good, did they?
JAMESON
You're not going to get away with this. Give me that!
JAMESON tries to grab the confession, but it goes flying out of RIZZO's hand and lands on the bar on the other side of the casino. CLUELESS MORGAN, POLLY LOBSTER, and MAD MONTY jump out from under the table.
MAD MONTY
Dargh! Don't breath on me!
JAMESON
You idiots, get that confession!
KERMIT
Not so fast, Jameson! *whistle*
MISS PIGGY, LEW ZELAND, CLIFFORD, ROWLF, CHEF, JOHNNY, SAL, DR. TEETH, FLOYD, JANICE, ZOOT, ANIMAL, LIPS, PEPE, BOBO, BEAKER, BUNSEN, CRAZY HARRY, SWEETUMS, and ROBIN and CAMILLA enter around the casino.
JAMESON
I've got friends too. Lots of friends. Yeah. With... guns! *whistle*
(beat)
Get in here!!!
UNLCE DEADLY, ANDY PIG, RANDY PIG, WAYNE, WANDA, DIGIT, ANGEL MARIE, OLD TOM, REAL OLD TOM, and DEAD TOM enter and join POLLY, CLUELESS, and MAD MONTY.
MISS PIGGY
Moi's own flesh-and-blood!
ANDY
Hey, after that show we were kicked out on the streets.
RANDY
You could say we were porked.
ANDY
Hey, good one!
RANDY
Yeah!
BOTH
Ah, kaboom!
ANDY and RANDY head-butt each other.
KERMIT
... Stale mate?
JAMESON
Hardly. Get it!
POLLY, CLUELESS, ANDY, and BEARD race toward the bar to grab the confession. But, LEW ZELAND, ANIMAL, BEAKER, and CRAZY HARRY chase after them and tackle them. A Muppety fight breaks out in an effort to acquire the confession, including plenty of fish and penguin throwing, explosions, etc. OLD TOM and ANGEL MARIE grab pieces of DEAD TOM and begin using them to beat up on people. During the fight CAMILLA lands on JAMESON’s ear.
JAMESON
(In voice and/or tone of the chap
in Muppets Take Manhattan)
Get this chicken off of my ear.
Then the fight continues. At one point in the fight, MISS PIGGY is cornered by various badies but the THREE ELVISES jump down and start Kung Fu fighting. At another point the birds from Scene one land nearby.
BIRDS
Tweat, twiddly tweat, hurt their feat, tweat, twiddly tweat.
MISS PIGGY
Will you guys get a job?
BIRD#1
Now that will be nine dollars and thirty-
The bird’s get bombarded with pots and pans.
Finally, KERMIT nabs the confession.
KERMIT
Got it!
A gunshot hits the mirror behind KERMIT's head that stops the fight. KERMIT turns to look, and sees SCOOTER sitting on a piano lifted above the floor by a rope.
KERMIT
Scooter!
JAMESON
Ah! Thank you, go-fer.
JAMESON grabs the confession, and MAD MONTY, CLUELESS, and POLLY grab KERMIT.
KERMIT
Hey!
JAMESON
Glad you could join us!
KERMIT
Scooter, you're- you're on their side?
JAMESON
Of course he is. Didn't he tell you about his great new job?
KERMIT
Scoo- Why?
SCOOTER
Sorry, Kermit, but, they offered me my own theatre.
PEPE
Jou is a bad, bad, boy, ok? How could jou turn against your friends like that? I would never do a thing like that, ok?
SWEETUMS and BOBO
Yeah
SCOOTER
What?
JAMESON moves to under the piano.
JAMESON
Good kid. So, as I said before, Kermit, I've won! Ha! You and your little Muppet friends will be held for destroying my establishment, and you, Kermit, you may spend the rest of your life behind bars! Counterfiet, fraud, destruction of private property, and, oh, yeah! Escape from jail. Goodbye, Mr. The Frog. It was nice knowing you.
KERMIT
You'll never get away with this!
JAMESON
It seems so fitting that such a bad film end with such a bad line, I already have!
SCOOTER
Not yet.
SCOOTER shoots the gun at the rope holding the piano up, causing it to fall on JAMESON. He jumps off and JAMESON’s head sticks out the top of the piano.
JAMESON
Dargh!
MUPPETS
Yay!
KERMIT shrugs off the bad guys and heads over to where JAMESON sticks out from under the piano. KERMIT grabs the confession from JAMESON's hand.
KERMIT
Ha ha! Gotcha! I told you today wasn't your day!
The badies all run away.
SCOOTER jumps down off of the piano.
KERMIT
Scooter, thanks.
SCOOTER
Don't mention it, boss.
KERMIT
It must have been rough giving up your own theatre.
SCOOTER
You kidding? I already have one! My Uncle’s leaving it to me.
KERMIT
Hmm.
FOZZIE
Kermit, we won!
KERMIT
We won, Fozzie! Thank you for being there for me.
FOZZIE
Don't mention it.
KERMIT heads off into the crowd of Muppets that are celebrating as FOZZIE and SCOOTER watch.
FOZZIE
Wow! Look. Everyone's so happy.
SCOOTER
Yeah. Seems that good ol' Henson magic is back.
FOZZIE nods, then SCOOTER and FOZZIE watch in amazement as a rainbow forms in front of them.
FOZZIE
Wow. How did you...How did that happen?
SCOOTER
You forget, this is a Muppet Movie.
FOZZIE
Oh yeah.
CUT TO
The Muppets are in the courtroom with Kermit, Fozzie, and Pepe as their lawyer at the defendant desk.
Judge
I find the defendant Kermit the Frog and company Not Guilty of counterfeiting, and I personally apologize for the very wrong mistake we made, I only wish there was a way I could re-pay you
KERMIT
Hey, we are starting the new show tonight down at the Pollywog café. Do you want to come along?
JUDGE
I’d be delighted.
The ELECTRIC MAYHEM start playing in the courtroom and everybody rejoices. PIGGY kisses KERMIT, FOZZIE hugs EMILY BEAR, chickens and penguins go flying up in the air, SCOOTER hugs KERMIT. JOHNNY looks around to find someone to hug and then just hugs a lady sitting next to him. (NOTE: Scooter is writing a song to go here as the Muppets all walk out of the courtroom singing a line each)
CUT TO
INT-POLLYWOG CAFÉ-EVENING
Close up of KERMIT standing on the stage.
KERMIT
Before we start the show tonight I just want to say, thank you to everyone. Without you I would never have been proven innocent.
Camera zooms back to reveal all the main characters from the film on the stage except GONZO.
Music starts and we pan around the café where practically all the Muppet characters in history are packed round tables to form a Muppety finale.
KERMIT
Well, thanks everyone. Thanks.
RIZZO
Kermit, I just want to say sorry for ever doubting you.
DR TEETH
Yeah, man. Sorry about that.
KERMIT
Doubt is a bad thing to do to your friends, but hey, it’s a celebration tonight. Let’s not taint it. Talking about tainting things, where’s Gonzo?
CUT TO
EXT-DESERT-SUNSET
GONZO digs out of the ground with his spoon.
GONZO
I’m free.
The words THE END appear on the screen as GONZO runs into the sunset.
CREDITS ROLL
We zoom out to revel STADLER and WALDORF are snoring in front of a television screen where the credits finish to roll on the screen.
STADLER
(waking up)
What? Where? When? Hey, Waldorf. Wake up you old fool. It’s finished.
We zoom out to review STADLER and WALDORF are only on a television screen and STADLER and WALDORF are watching it.
STADLER
Waldorf. Wake up you old fool. It’s finished.
We zoom out to reveal that STADLER and WALDORF are only on a television screen and STADLER and WALDORF are watching it.
WALDORF
Do you ever get da sha vou?
STADLER
Didn’t you just say that?
BOTH
Do, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
They are puzzled by the sound of digging. The two of them look down at the floor between the two of them as GONZO pops up through a hole he has just dug.
GONZO
(looking around)
This isn't the finale is it?
WALDORF
Nope, you missed that.
GONZO
Oh well
GONZO gets out of the hole, and sets up a lawn chair between the two old gentlemen.
GONZO
I think I'll camp out here for a while until they come find me...
The three of them sit there staring at the TV screen for a bit.
GONZO
This is boring. Can I see the remote?
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