The 5ive Present: The Muppet's vs. Las Vegas

[TogetherAgain]

Agreed! <grabs a penguin and gets ready to throw>

 

[theprawncracker]

How primative of you Lisa, we're not cavemen, we've evolved past throwing, we have cannons...

 

[Whatever]

How primative of you Lisa, we're not cavemen, we've evolved past throwing, we have cannons...

If it was good enough for Jim, it's good enough for us!

 

[Beauregard]

Ok...I'm gunna post more, but I don't have the time to give it the formatting treatment...so...Be happy!

 

[Beauregard]

SAL
Well I told you it was bad news but...

ROWLF
What do you mean? How could the frog be lying?

SCOOTER
Why do you think he's been lying?

JOHNNY
Well, I was out a few nights ago and I got to talking with my, um, contacts and they tells me that Kermit was framed because of what happened at the Rubber Chicken Factory, and I got that confirmed yesterday.

SCOOTER
What happened?

SAL
He was just trying to tell you but you keep inter...

JOHNNY
I am not sure what happened but when I asked Kermit what happened he denied even being there.

DR TEETH
So what makes you think he was mendacious?

JOHNNY
... Mendacious?

SAL whispers the meaning in JOHNNY's ear.

JOHNNY
Oh, uh, right. Right, I knew that. I did. Anyway, it was the look on his face. He told me he couldn’t say anything about it then he told me he was never there.

SAL
So the conclusion of the matter is he is a liar.

RIZZO
Wait a minute! You think because Kermit had a certain look in his eyes that he's lying??? The guy’s pupils are shaped like Saturn, for Pete’s sake! How do you get anything out of that???

JOHNNY
Ever hear of a horoscope? You can tell a lot from the planets and stars.

ALL
Oh.

Bunsen and Beaker come through the door.

BUNSEN
I think that we may have just the thing.

BEAKER
Mee mee, mou.

BUNSEN
Exactly, Beaker. We heard you were having a little trouble and wish to show you out latest invention. An ultra 5,000m Muppet labs lie detector.

Beaker wheels in a machine with lots of lights and wheels, leavers and things all over it.

BUNSEN
Here, you will see, is a little microphone. Beaker if you would.

Beaker cranks a handle on the side.

BUNSEN
Now when someone says something in the microphone he machine will tell us if it is true or false. Now let’s see this nifty little gadget in action. Johnny would you try it please.

JOHNNY
(Leaning over and talking into the mike)
Kermit the Frog was at the rubber chicken factory. True or False?

The machine whirs and the wheels spin around, as does the handle Beaker wound up and had not let go of, causing Beaker to spin in circles around the machine. Then it explodes sending Beaker through the café window.

BUNSEN
Oh dear. You know what this means, don't you?

DR TEETH
More bills?

BUNSEN
No, it means the machine is malfunctioning. Now Beaker give me a hand. Bbbbbeaker.

BEAKER
(climbs woozily through window)
Mee, mee, mee, mou, mou, mee.

GONZO
Well, there's only one way to find out! Come on, Rizzo! Let's go!

GONZO grabs hold of RIZZO and runs off.

CUT TO

Scene 28

INT. RUBBER CHICKEN FACTORY

GONZO and RIZZO enter and look around. The factory is filled with chicken workers. They spot a ROOSTER.

RIZZO
Okay, now, Gonzo? You better let me do the talking here, alright? I think you've gotten us into enough trouble.

GONZO
Don't worry, Rizzo. I'll take care of it!

RIZZO
Oh, boy. I feel like I’ve swallowed a whole bunch of butterflies.

GONZO
No, actually it was ordinary flies. They landed on your sandwich and...Never mind.

GONZO and RIZZO approach the ROOSTER.

GONZO
Er, I think you'd better do the talking.

RIZZO
You think?
(beat)
Excuse me, Mr. Rooster...

GONZO spots CAMILLA and goes into a dream-like state and we see a lot of shots of GONZO and CAMILLA together through their life, rather like KERMIT and MISS PIGGY in Never Before.

GONZO
(singing)
This was meant to beeeeeeee!
Darling, you and meeeeeee!
And if you'd care to seeeeeeeeeee!
That these things are real!
The way that I feel!
All emotions raging!
Going on... rampaging!
Keeps me elevating
Above a concrete flooooooooooooooor!
The way you look at meeeeeeee!
Makes me feel compleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete!
So, baby-

GONZO’s attention is now drawn away by a passing chicken. At the sight of this, CAMILLA storms off, but another chicken enters and sits in where CAMILLA once was. GONZO turns back to ‘CAMILLA’ and continues his song, un-aware of the switch.

GONZO
(singing)
And now, if you will dare to chance
A great romance
With meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I can feel compleeeeeeetely whole.
That happens frequentlllllllllly!
This was meant to beeeeeeeeee!
So, I'd eat my legs, my nose, my face
If you would give me one embrace.
I've only got one life to live!
I'll live it through and through and through in torment
Just to be... with... Yoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!
So, now-

RIZZO
Hey, Gonzo. You’re driftin’ here.

GONZO
Oh, sorry.

RIZZO
Yeesh! So, Mr. Rooster, can you tell us, did a guy named Kermit come by here in recent weeks?

ROOSTER
Kermit? Hmmm. Let me think. Oh, yes! Kermit! Yes, he was here.

RIZZO and GONZO look at each other shocked.

CUT TO

Scene 29

INT-POLLYWOG CAFÉ

JANICE, DR TEETH, ROWLF, FLOYD, LEW ZEALAND, GONZO, RIZZO, MISS PIGGY and THE SWEDISH CHEF are sat round a table at the POLLYWOG café.

JANICE sighs.

MISS PIGGY sighs.

ROWLF sighs.

DR TEETH sighs.

GONZO sighs.

RIZZO
When you have quite finished can we get on with this scene?

LEW ZEALAND sighs.

LEW ZEALAND
Oh sorry.

CHEF
Vot de Kermy?

MISS PIGGY
I tried. I tried to get him out but that stinky judge and the stinky jury got in moi’s way.

DR TEETH
What I can’t understand is how Kermit expected us to get him out and lied to us.

ZOOT
What, where, when?

FLOYD
No Zoot, go back to sleep, nobody’s landed.

MISS PIGGY
Why do you guys always say that?

JANICE
It’s a band thing.

MISS PIGGY
Oh.

GONZO
Kermit lied, but why would Kermit lie?

ANIMAL stands up.

FLOYD
Down.

Floyd says his line straight after Gonzo so it sounds like “Why would Kermit lie down?”

LEW ZEALAND
Maybe he was tired.

CHEF
Voot?

RIZZO
Sure he lied. He was in trouble. So he lied to save himself. Now we must choose are we still his friends? Votes.

CHEF
Wes, ve needs urs.

FLOYD
Yup, we don’t desert a friend in need.

JANICE
Fer sure.

LEW ZEALAND
But do we need a friend who lies?

ROWLF
Sure we have to save him from himself.

BEAUREGARD
Now that is too complicated for me.

DR TEETH
If only it was that uncomplicated, but you must keep in mind he is locked behind bars.

GONZO
But maybe we could get him out, if...

RIZZO
If he told us the truth we could sort out his problem.

MISS PIGGY
Did you guys see his eyes?

EVERYONE
What?

MISS PIGGY
Like small round ping-pong balls on a lake of green algae...

GONZO
(Ignoring her)
So what do we do?

MISS PIGGY
...so deep, so profound...

JANICE
We have to get him out into the open, fer sure, then we can get to the truth.

MISS PIGGY
...and the way he looked at me from behind iron bars...

FLOYD
But how can we spring him without get us into the deep end.

MISS PIGGY
...such truthful eyes...

ROWLF
And how can we trust him again? We would be putting our lives at risk to rescue someone who may deserve what he has got?

MISS PIGGY
...eyes do not lie, and I saw that look...

GONZO
Still, he is a friend, and he is a Muppet.

DR TEETH
Wait, even if he did lie about the chickens, he has still been framed. Right?

MISS PIGGY
...true love...

RIZZO
If we knew what happened at the factory we could maybe sort it out, we would at least have some idea of what way to go about it.

MISS PIGGY
(shouts)
I have to save him. We have to save him.

EVERYONE sighs and goes into silence for a beat.

GONZO
(As if making up his mind)
That’s it! He didn’t lie.

RIZZO
What?

GONZO
He was being set up
(beat)
again.

MISS PIGGY
Set up?

DR TEETH
Would you please elucidate?

GONZO
Well if those badies could set Kermit up as a counterfeiter it would be the work of a moment to pretend he was at a rubber factory to stir us all up and make us distrust him.

Everyone bursts out talking.

GONZO
(Shouting)
Quiet.

JANICE
So, I said, listen! I’m not something you can just manipulate like that, Mr. Heffner! (Hugh Heffner) I am, like, a woman, fer sure! I have feelings, and just because I pose for your maga-
(notices that everyone is staring at her)
Never mind.

OR

It’s like when they burst into your room and you are standing there stark...
(notices that everyone is staring at her)
Never mind.

GONZO
There is only one thing for it. Rizzo and I will go and see Kermit and we’ll get the truth from him if it’s the last thing we do.

CHEF
Vey de go Ganzol.

Everyone breaks out talking again with, “Go GONZO” and such like.

CUT TO

 

[Beauregard]

Scene 30

INT. CAFE

CLIFFORD, PEPE, ROWLF, DR. TEETH, FLOYD, JANICE, ZOOT, LIPS, ANIMAL, LEW ZELAND, & BEAUREGARD sit around a table with a walkie-talkie sitting in the center of it. In the background GEORGE THE JANITOR sweeps the floor.

LEW ZEALAND turns to BEAUREGARD.

LEW
Hey, isn’t that your job?

BEAUREGARD
I have a job? Wow, why did no one say so?

ROWLF
Oh boy.

CLIFFORD
Gonzo and Rizzo. Gonzo and Rizzo. This is home base, do you copy? Over.

GONZO (V.O)
What do you want?

CLIFFORD
Aw, come on, man! Make this a little official over here!

GONZO (V.O.)
Oh. Right. Sorry. What do you want? Over.

PEPE
Oy vey, okay!

FLOYD
Ten bucks says they're dead by the time they hit the laundromat. Eh, ha ha ha ha ha ha!

JANICE
Oh, rully, Floyd!

CLIFFORD
Hey, quiet it down, there, Floyd.
(to walkie-talkie)
You guys still there?

GONZO (V.O.)
Uh, yes. And for your information, Floyd, we're in front of the laundrom-Yikes!

We hear a car horn honk from the walkie-talkie.

GONZO (V.O.)
Wow! Cool! We almost got hit by a Jaguar!

FLOYD
Well, at least they're going out in style. He he!

ROWLF
Oooooh! Remind me to check your credentials later, maybe we can hire you as a writer on Vet's Hospital.

FLOYD
Is that good or bad?

ROWLF
I think you just qualified.

LEW ZELAND
Hey, my Murray's not feelin' to well, maybe he could be your patient.

ROWLF
That's the first time I've ever heard anyone actually volunteer for that!

JANICE
Ooooooooooooh!

CLIFFORD
Cool it! Hold it! Hold the phone!

BEAUREGARD
(picks up phone)
But, where should I put it?

PEPE
This was not my idea, okay.

DR. TEETH
I don't think there's a soul in this room who wants to take credit for that.

ROWLF
Now I got us two interns!

JANICE
Like a two for one deal!

ROWLF
Ooooh! Ouch! Janice, are you sure you play a nurse?

JANICE
Why?

ROWLF
Because that one was just too painful!

CLIFFORD
Hang on! This ain't Vet's Hospital, you know.

ROWLF
Well, that's a relief! I was wondering why no one was dead yet.

JANICE
Like, all but that last joke, fer sure.

ROWLF & JANICE
Oooooooooooooh!

CLIFFORD
I don't even believe this.

ROWLF
That's good! You know, I once had a patient who couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

JANICE
Like, what happened to him?


A MAN runs past in the window behind them waving his arms around.

MAN
They're everywhere!!!! They're coming to get me!!!! Elephants! Elephants in plaid pyjamas! No!!!!!!

He runs off.

ZOOT
... What?

GONZO (V.O.)
Hey! Hey, are you guys still there? Hello? Guys! I need directions to the jail cell! Hello?

Everyone stares at the walkie-talkie as GONZO goes on. Eventually, everyone just gets up and walks away.

CUT TO

EXT. JAIL- GATE

GONZO and RIZZO, dressed in Sherlock Holmes detective outfits, stand on the outside of the gate trying to get in.

RIZZO
Why do I have to wear this dumb thing anyhow?

GONZO
It’s reminiscent of Sherlock Holmes’ outfit as described in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective novels.

RIZZO
Sherlock Shmerlock! We’re trying to break into prison, not play dress-up!

GONZO
So, dressing this way makes it a bit classier! It gives it that daring yet stylish look.

RIZZO
Why don’t we just rip a tag off of a pillow or some petty crime to go to jail?

GONZO
Rizzo, this is a family program! We have to consider that there’s at least one kid in the audience!

Both look at the camera.

RIZZO
Oh, sorry. Wait a minute! Hang on here! What’s the dif? Breaking into jail’s just as illegal as ripping a tag off a mattress, so where’s the example being set?

GONZO
It’s the thought behind the crime. Right. So, let’s go!

RIZZO
Oh, yeah. So, why exactly are we doing this?

GONZO
Rizzo, you heard what that rooster guy.

RIZZO
Oh, I didn't think you could hear him off in la-la land over there! Let's just go.

They walk over to the gate. By the gate is a couple of trash cans, GONZO and RIZZO start to climb these to go over the gate. The camera closes in on the lid of the trashcan and GONZO climbs onto of it.

OSCAR(V.O)
Hey! What's goin' on out there?

OSCAR opens trash can lid, sending GONZO over backward.

GONZO
Whoa!

OSCAR
Hey, what's the big idea? Your making a lot of noise and it's dark and dingy down there!

RIZZO
Yeah? So?

OSCAR
Nothing! I love it! He he he!

GONZO
(brushes himself off)
Hey, what are you doing here anyway?

OSCAR
What am I doin' here? Are you kidding me? Las Vegas is the largest trash capital in the world!

RIZZO
On no, the trash capital is Buffalo, NY, you ding bat!

OSCAR
Oh, yeah. I went there last year. They got some rotten stuff!

GONZO
Yeah, nasty.

OSCAR
(defensive)
It's great! All dingu and grimy. Anyway, just check out all the great stuff I got around here hangin' out at the casinos! Let's see here...

OSCAR goes rummaging through his can. He pulls out a wig.

OSCAR
Check this out! I even got Wayne Newton's hairpiece! Then this here is...

GONZO
Er, I don't mean to be rude-

RIZZO
I do!

GONZO
(ignoring Rizzo)
But, uh, we're kinda doing a movie here.

OSCAR
Oh! Oh, I see! Well, excuse me for livin', needle nose! I guess I ain't good enough to be in your crumby movie!

RIZZO
If it's a crumby movie, does that mean you like it?

OSCAR
What?? You're wasting my invaluable time! Yuck!

OSCAR slams the lid shut.

RIZZO
Oh well what’s up with him?

GONZO
Probably has garbage in his trousers.

RIZZO
Sounds bad.

GONZO
No it’s great, I did it one year...

RIZZO
(interrupting)
Come on buddy.

RIZZO pushes open the gate and walks through, while GONZO goes over the electric fence. We here and see a few electric shocks, and hear a few yelps from GONZO. He drops down on the other side all burnt up.

GONZO
Whoa! That was fantastic! Come on, Rizzo! Give me a boost so I can do it again!

RIZZO just shakes his head and continues on his way.

CUT TO

Scene 31

INT. JAIL CELL

KERMIT sits looking up at the sky out the window like all is lost. FOZZIE is asleep on the bed in the background.

KERMIT
So much for comfort in friends. Look at me. What kind of friend am I? I go into this mess, and dragged my best friend into this.

(NOTE: ONE OF THESE SONGS.)

KERMIT
What is out there?
So many stars.
Why all the splendor?
Why held in by bars?
So many stars
Filling the sky.
What is their purpose?
Why dare ask why?
It seems like a waste of time
The time here is long.
Time goes by.
The stars stay the same.
Here and there at night
But do they remain?
They stay the same through it all.
Life always changing
But they do not know.
It seems so unfair...
They've got no time to care...
They get to live out there...
Their live's not done.
Twinkling and sparkles...
So long a life.
They're life goes on and on...
While my life is through.
Seems so unfair.
But, that's what they do.
What is out there?
So many stars.
Why all the splendor?
Why? That's the question
There should be no reason to ask.
Why? So much that it can cover.
So large of a task.
All I wanted was to follow a dream.
Dreams united is what it would seem.
One moment can lead to down-fall!
Dreams come crashing and loosing their call.
Life's one true good thing
Gone in a flash.
Reaching out constantly
In case something you snatch.
What is out there?
So many stars.
Why all the splendor?
Those stars...
They seem so close,
Yet too far to say.
One thing is certain
Of all that I know.
One thing you have that star
The next day you don't.
Gazing out longingly
To that great expanse.
Wonder what purpose you have
In this, no chance.
So much to accomplish
But none of it will
What is the point? I guess
There's none to fill.
Nothing here can be true...
Life's time is due...
Nothing to do...
What is out there?
So many stars.
Why all the splendor?
Life goes on...
For everyone else.
That's that.
Nothing for me.
With all that we see.
Life's ride is through...
For me.
--

Star filled heavens above it all.
They haven't got a lot to do.
So much tenderness and care
Went into making you.
Where was that love...
So much to spare for something so
Distant and far away.
Where was the love in making me?
So much love in all the world
Feels it's touch on everything.
Throughtout the skys and on the earth
But is there love to pass to me?
So much went into making those...
Such delicate work and care.
It seems so futile. What is there reason?
Is it just for us to stare?
Intricate detailing, so much thought.
Such a contrast to my life.
Intricate detailing, shining so fair.
They don't have to deal with my pain and strife.
I guess there's no other purpose for them
No other purpose for me...
No other purpose...
But...
I guess...
Life goes on...
For everyone else.
But me...
And them...
So I guess...
It only means...
Life's ride is through...
For me.

KERMIT shakes his head when he hears something at the window. It’s GONZO.

GONZO
Psst! Hey! Hey, Kermit! Kermit!

KERMIT
Er, Gonzo? What are you doing?

GONZO
About seven watts! Ha ha ha ha!

KERMIT
Er, beg pardon?

GONZO
It’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. We’re trying to get you out of here!

KERMIT
Well, that’s just great, Gonzo!

GONZO
That is why they call me the Great Gonzo.

KERMIT
Er, but there is one thing about that chicken factory-

GUARD (V.O.)
Hey! You! What are you doing here?

GONZO
Uh-oh! Yikes!

GONZO falls from the window ledge. All that can be heard are the sounds of GONZO being chased around by the GUARD.

GUARD (V.O.)
Get back here, you!

GONZO (V.O.)
You’ll never take me alive! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oooh! Hey! That tickles! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

GUARD (V.O.)
Great! We’ve got a weirdo on our hands.

KERMIT
Oh boy.


CUT TO

 

[Beauregard]

Scene 32

INT-JAIL CELL

GONZO is on his own in a jail cell.

Gonzo trying to escape by turning his bed into a catapult and catapulting himself into the wall getting a bent nose.

CUT TO

GONZO rubbing his thumb on the bed.

GONZO
(to camera)
Hey if I rub it long enough it will become a little sore.

CUT TO

Scene 33

INT-CAFÉ-DAY

UNCLE DEADLY, CLUELESS MORGAN, POLLY LOBSTER, and MAD MONTY come through the door. They walk over to a table and sit down.

BEAUREGARD is sweeping, JANICE is behind the counter, PEPE goes over to the table.

PEPE
So are you guys going to order, ok?

UNCLE DEADLY
Yeah, we’ll take tacos, chips, syrup sponge cake, and coffee, all round.

PEPE
Are you sure that is what you want, ok?

DEADLY
Why wouldn’t I want what I have ordered?

PEPE
Just checking, ok. Don’t want to be sued like McDonalds if you get fat, ok?

DEADLY
Just, get it.
(beat)
Now, ok!

PEPE
Coming up, ok.

As PEPE goes away the others start talking.

MAD MONTY
I am hungry. It’s all this planning.

CLUELESS MORGAN
Yuah, we certainly got Kermit into trouble.

POLLY
Shhh. Not so loud.

MORGAN
But it was a good plan and I...

MORGAN continues to drone on as BEAUREGARD who was sweeping nearby runs out the back.

BEAUREGARD
Quick, quick.

PEPE
What is it now?

FLOYD looks up from the tape recorder where he was listening to Elvis Presly.

FLOYD
Cool it, brown dude.

BEAUREGARD
Out the front. It’s the guys who framed Kermit.

PEPE
What?

BEAUREGARD
Quick a tape recorder.
(grabs FLOYD’s radio)
Does this have a recordy bit?

FLOYD
Yeah, but it’s got my Elvis tape in it. Hey, your gona’ ruin it.

PEPE takes it from BEAUREGARD and runs out the front. He wonders over to the table.

PEPE
Did you guys want a drink?

PEPE slips the tape recorder under the table.

DEADLY
Yes, I told you we want a drink. Coffee.

PEPE
Oh yes, sorry about that, ok.

PEPE goes away

POLLY
As I was saying it wasn’t exactly my idea to set Kermit up but I had thought of it too.

DEADLY
(bored)
Is that so?

MORGAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was a great idea and sending Kermit the Pig to the Rubber Chicken factory so that we could have a motive was truly inspirational.

PEPE comes back over

PEPE
Do you guys want ice with that drink?

DEADLY
Ice? With Coffee?

PEPE
Just checking, ok?

He goes away.

MAD MONTY
So now not only do we have a motive, fake of course, but his friends will turn against him.

POLLY
They will believe the evidence more than the truth.

DEADLY
Don’t we all.

CLUELESS
(laughing)
A pig, Kermit the Pig. He, he, he.

PEPE
(coming back)
Do you want lettuce with your salad?

DEADLY
We didn’t order salad.

PEPE
But salad is very good for you, ok.

DEADLY
Get lost.

PEPE
Oh, where am I, ok.
(goes away)

CLUELESS
What was I saying?

MAD MONTY
You were saying about Kermit the Pig.

CLUELESS
I was? Oh yes, we sent Kermit the Pig to the chicken factory.

POLLY
Well, anyway, once the evidence has been weighed, his friends will turn against him and boom. No one to rescue him.

MAD MONTY
Then why have we been told to watch him night and day?

CLUELESS
Day and night actually.

PEPE
(appearing again)
Do you want salt and pepper with your...

DEADLY
Do you know what I really fancy.

PEPE
Don’t say seafood. It is off the menu today.

DEADLY
I fancy a different café. OK!!!

They all get up and leave.

PEPE
Have a nice day, ok. Don’t trip on the step and break your ungrateful little necks, ok.
(turns to camera)
Grrrrr.

PEPE goes out the back and BEAUREGARD goes to the table and takes out the recorder.

BEAUREGARD
I had better hide this.

BEAUREGARD sticks it under a pile of salad and SWEETUMS walks over and eats the salad, recorder and all.

SWEETUMS
Doesn’t the just beat the record. Eh?

PEPE comes back out from the back.

PEPE
I need to get that recorder.

BEAUREGARD
It is under the lettuce...
(notices it is gone)
Who ate the evidence?

PEPE
It is a good job I managed to hear it all.
(panicking)
Oh this is stressful. Help, help, help, help. Kermit is innocent. Oh, I deserve a muffin, ok?
(shouts)
Emmmmy!!!

CUT TO

Scene 34

INT-GONZO’S JAIL CELL

Gonzo starts digging with his spoon.

CUT TO

Scene 35

INT-JAIL CELL-DAY

GUARD approaches the jail, unlocks the door, opens it and hands KERMIT and FOZZIE dinner dishes with lids. He shuts the door but does not lock it.

GUARD
Here’s your shrimp scampi.

The GUARD goes away, KERMIT lifts the lid of his dinner and PEPE jumps of the plate.

PEPE
I am not a shrimp I am a King Prawn. Come on, come on.

FOZZIE
What?

KERMIT
Pepe?

PEPE
Si, it is Pepe as ever.

FOZZIE
What are you doing here?

PEPE
Rescuing you, ok?

KERMIT
OK.

PEPE walks out through the bars of the prison and over to wall where a lot of keys are hung up on separate hooks.

PEPE
Eny, Meni, Mini, Mo. Ip, dip, do, la, de, da, out goes you.

PEPE rummages through the keys.

KERMIT
Quick, hurry. I can here the guard coming back.

PEPE
No, problem, OK.

The tune from Mission Impossible starts as the GUARD comes through the door at the end of the corridor and starts to walk toward KERMIT’s cell.

PEPE jumps back through the bars of KERMIT’s cell and shoots out the window.

The GUARD sits down on a chair in the corridor to guard the prisons.

Suddenly PEPE appears at the door, he comes in and then nips back out again.

PEPE (V.O.)
Okidocki, Mr Guard, get here at once the prisoners are escaping.

The GUARD gets up and runs out the door.

PEPE arrives back at KERMIT’s window. He jumps in and runs through to the key board again.

PEPE
Which one? Which one?

FOZZIE
Oh no, we are never going to get out of here.

FOZZIE bangs his head on the prison door and it swings open.

KERMIT
What the...

PEPE sees the door is open and does a double take.

PEPE
I did it. I got you out of there, ok?

CUT TO

Scene 37

EXT-UNDERWATER

The camera pans along a mud flat. Several fish swim by. Suddenly GONZO digs up through and realizes he's underwater as a fish swims by. He shrugs and goes back down the hole.

CUT TO

 

[Beauregard]

I'll give you guys a minute to catch your breath here...

 

[Whatever]

Awesome, Beau! It's a little too close to existing Muppet movies to be produced, but as a fanfic, it's awesome!

 

[Beauregard]

True...there are..simeralities.

My fav line: "But salad is very good for you, ok."

--

Scene 38

INT-MUPPET NEWSROOM

MUPPET NEWSMAN is behind his desk reporting.

NEWSMAN
This is a Muppet News Flash. Kermit the frog has escaped from jail it is said that he had the assistance of a shrimp in prawn’s clothing. If you don’t recall he was caught red handed about a week ago with a box of counterfeit penguins. It was also discovered at the time that several of these afore mentioned boxes were also found in the wardrobe of Mr the Frog. It has recently been reported that one of the boxes has gone missing if you know something about the disappearance of this box send it here.

(Large box falls on his head)

CUT TO

EXT-SHOPPING MALL

SCOOTER is standing watching a big screen playing the newsflash. The camera zooms in on his face as he realises that it was his fault that KERMIT ended up in jail. He realises that his employer was the person that framed KERMIT.

CUT TO

Scene 39

BLACK

You hear GONZO rejoicing that he has finally got out, lights go on, and GONZO is surrounded by monsters, lights go out again with the sounds of a fight.

CUT TO

Scene 40

EXT. CAFE

KERMIT and FOZZIE walk down the busy street together towards the cafe along with PEPE.

KERMIT
Thanks for helping us out back there, Pepe.

PEPE
Well, Kermin, sometimes you have to do what you feel is right. And if you accidentally end up at a dock while a shrimping vessel happens to be unloading their catch and you get caught up in a net, well, that works along too.

KERMIT
Oh.

FOZZIE
Kermit, what are we going to do now? We've already broken out of prison! We'll never be able to go back to our jobs being convicted, break-out criminals!

KERMIT
Fozzie, we're going to find out who did this to us and I am going to prove me innocent.

PEPE
Myself.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
What?

PEPE
I believe the proper terminol-o-gee is "myself". "Prove myself innocent." At least, this is what I am thinking that's the proper terminol-o-gee, okay. What do you think, Kermin?

KERMIT
Good grief! Yeesh!

The three of them head into the cafe.

CUT TO

INT. CAFE

KERMIT, FOZZIE, and PEPE enter the cafe. RIZZO is on the counter talking on the phone. BEAUREGARD is sweeping up in the background and ROWLF is cleaning the counter. FOZZIE and PEPE head towards a nearby table with KERMIT.

RIZZO
(calling out)
Hey, Kerm! Phone for you!

KERMIT
What?

KERMIT shrugs his shoulders and heads over to the counter where he takes the phone from RIZZO. RIZZO sits there staring at KERMIT. KERMIT makes a face at him.

KERMIT
Do you mind?

RIZZO
What? It ain't nothin' I've never head before!

KERMIT
(shaking head)
Yeesh!
(into phone)
Hello? S-Scooter?

RIZZO
Aw, nuts.

RIZZO hops down off the counter and walks off.

KERMIT
Huh? Oh.
(into phone)
Scooter? Is that you?

SCOOTER (V.O. on the phone.)
... What?

KERMIT
Scooter, is that you???

SCOOTER
Who? What? Who? No! Don't mention my name on the phone! It might be bugged!

KERMIT
What? Scooter, are you crazy?

SCOOTER
No! Er, um, who's Scooter.

KERMIT
Grr! Just get to the point!!!

We go to a split-screen of KERMIT and SCOOTER talking on the phone.

SCOOTER
Oh, right. Kermit! I have something urgent to tell you!

KERMIT
Oh, really?

SCOOTER
Yeah! Er, oss-bay, I ave-hay omething-say ery-vay important o-tay ell-tey oo-yay. Er, eh.

Adjust to show FOZZIE sat next to KERMIT

FOZZIE
I get the feeling this movie could be very popular in Canada.

KERMIT
Er, not now, Fozzie.
(to phone)
Scooter, I think the fact that half of the Muppet population are pigs, I don’t think using pig latin as a secret code is too bright of an idea. So, just get to it!

SCOOTER
... Well, if you're going to be uptight about it, well then...

KERMIT
Scooter!

SCOOTER
Oh, okay, boss. Okay. But, you'd better listen up, this is very important.

KERMIT
(calm)
What is it, Scooter?

SCOOTER
... Oh, no! I think I forgot!

KERMIT
(slowly loosing his cool)
Oh, Scooter!

SCOOTER
Wait! ... Oh, right! Kermit, you have been framed for counterfeiting penguins!

KERMIT
I already knew that!

SCOOTER
I'm not even to the point yet!

KERMIT
... Well?

SCOOTER
Oh, right. Kermit, I know who the person who framed you is!

KERMIT
What? Really? Who?

SCOOTER
... Who, what?

KERMIT
Who! Who framed me???

SCOOTER
Kermit, the man who framed you is...

CLICK they get disconnected. The split-screen of them stays though.

KERMIT
Er, Scooter? Scooter? Scooter, did you hang up?

SCOOTER
Boss? Boss? Kermit? Did you hang up?

KERMIT
Scooter, are you there??? Who framed me??? Oh, no. We've been disconnected.

SCOOTER
Boss? *sigh*

SCOOTER looks over into KERMIT's side of the split-screen.

SCOOTER
I think we've been disconnected, boss.

SCOOTER runs off and the split-screen goes away. KERMIT looks into the camera and sighs. He hangs up the phone and walks over to the table where FOZZIE and PEPE, and now ROWLF, CLIFFORD, and RIZZO are sitting. KERMIT sits down.

KERMIT
We have to find Scooter, you guys. He knows who...

KERMIT's face lights up in realization. Cut to...

EXT-HOUSE

Flashback of when KERMIT and FOZZIE get arrested. KERMIT realizes one of the officers arresting them is UNCLE DEADLY. Our bad guy drives past and does a thumbs up. Focus on UNLCE DEADLY, though. Cut to...

INT. PRISON

Flashback of when KERMIT is sitting alone on the bench in a "waiting room". In the background is UNLCE DEADLY talking to our bad guy. Focus on UNCLE DEADLY. Cut to...

INT. COURT ROOM

Flashback of when KERMIT and FOZZIE are on trial. In the background again is UNCLE DEADLY sat next to our bad guy. Focus again on UNCLE DEADLY. Cut to...

INT. CAFE

Back to KERMIT and FOZZIE, RIZZO, PEPE, ROWLF, and CLIFFORD.

KERMIT
I know who framed me. It was...

CUT TO

Scene 41

INT. SWEDISH KITCHEN

The SWEDISH CHEF stands behind his usual counter dancing with clevers as his theme song plays.

SWEDISH CHEF
Yomber doomber de oom
Be diskadoo.
Yooder oh der hoon de oon burn
Bork bork bork!

The SWEDISH CHEF tosses the cleavers over his shoulders then picks up a penguin.

SWEDISH CHEF
End new ve were perform de Pppppppppick up ve penchuin. Uver hery de penchuin. Er de maoolett ern de penchuin.

The SWEDISH CHEF picks up a mallet and hits the penguin over the head with it.

SWEDISH CHEF
Deer we goo. Ven dur poongoon is sleepy-sleepy, der shoo de voo ber de boor schkoopendey flurp. Noo, taken der verndey boog boog boony!

The SWEDISH CHEF reaches down and pulls out BEAN BUNNY.

SWEDISH CHEF
See der boony? Ven dur ve stoof de poongoon vit de boony. Hoor ve gooo.

BEAN
I'm not so sure about this.

SWEDISH CHEF
Veer beer der burn hoof!

CHEF hits BEAN over the head with the mallet.

SWEDISH CHEF
Ver de gooo. De boony gooo de boon boon. Ya de yoo yoo good der shleeping boocoo...

The SWEDISH CHEF pulls out a plunger and prepares to stick BEAN in the penguin's mouth. Before we get too far...

CUT TO

Scene 42

INT. CASINO- OFFICE

Shot of the bottom of a large, grand desk. Pan up to our bad guy, RICHARD JAMESON sitting behind the desk looking down at a newspaper. He picks up the newspaper and slams it down on the desk.

JAMESON
The frog has escaped??? How could you three let this happen??? I give you one simple assignment, and you ruin it!

MAD MONTY
Well, we were just, um, going to, uh...

CLUELESS MORGAN
We’re going on a picnic! We’re going on a picnic!

POLLY LOBSTER
Clueless, you idiot!
(to JAMESON)
Er, listen, boss, we was on our way over there just now when you-

JAMESON
Does what I’m saying mean nothing to you? The frog has escaped and I am blaming yooooooooou!

POLLY
Well, maybe if you knew the whole story-

JAMESON
I know the whole story! They were not supposed to escape, and you let them escape!

POLLY
Well, just not in so many words-

JAMESON
Words? What words? There are no other words to describe it!!!

MAD MONTY
It wasn’t exactly our fault.

POLLY
Yeah! Yeah! What Monty said! It wasn’t our fault! We wasn’t even there, how could it be our fault??? He he
(realizes what he’s done)
Do, boy.

JAMESON
(patiently)
Then who’s fault was it?

POLLY
Er, um, uh...

MAD MONTY
It was Morgan’s fault! We left him to watch them, and he let them escape!

POLLY
Monty, you idiot! He’s not-

CLUELESS MORGAN
Um, I think it had something to do with vowels, Regis.

POLLY
Oh, boy.

JAMESON
You idiots!

JAMESON slams his fist down on the desk as UNLCE DEADLY fumbles with his knife and ends up dropping it. He bites his lip in pain.

UNCLE DEADLY
Ow. My foot.

JAMESON
How can you be so stupid? I bet if I had let Deadly over there, they wouldn't even be alive now!

Their attention is now drawn to UNCLE DEADLY as he jumps up and down on one foot screaming in pain.

UNCLE DEADLY
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

JAMESON
Oh, Boy!

JAMESON puts his hands on his face disgusted. He looks up as he hears a knock at the door. His SECRETARY peeks in through the door.

SECRETARY
Um, Mr. Jameson? Your go-fer is here to see you.

JAMESON
Oh, good! At least there's one person who works for me who's at least partially coherent. Let him in!

The SECRETARY leaves as a GOPHER enters.

JAMESON
What are you doing here?

GOPHER
Hey, I am your new Gopher.

JAMESON
Get out of here.

GOPHER leaves as SCOOTER enters.

JAMESON
Ah! Scooter! Come in.

MAD MONTY, POLLY LOBSTER, and CLUELESS MORGAN get up and head out. UNCLE DEADLY hobbles out after them.

SCOOTER
Um, you called for me, sir?

JAMESON
Yes, Scooter. I have another package for you.

JAMESON reaches down to the desk where a monster's hand reaches out of a drawer and hands him a package.

JAMESON
Thank you, George.

MONSTER (V.O.)
S'allright!

The hand goes back down.

JAMESON
Here you are. I think you know where this goes.

SCOOTER
Oh, yes sir!

JAMESON
Good. Oh, and by the way, great job so far! Everything you've done has been working out for us. Unlike some people I know.

JAMESON looks over to the door where MAD MONTY, POLLY LOBSTER, CLUELESS MORGAN, and UNCLE DEADLY are staring in through the window in the door. SCOOTER looks over too.

SCOOTER
Oh, them. That's okay. I do that all the time.

JAMESON
Beg pardon?

SCOOTER
What?

JAMESON
No, what did you say?

SCOOTER
"What".

JAMESON
Tell me what you said!

SCOOTER
I did.

JAMESON
Did what?

SCOOTER
Told you what I said. "What".

JAMESON
What???

SCOOTER
Exactly.

JAMESON
Wha-? No! Just... Deliver the package.

SCOOTER
Okay. Don't get your shorts in a bunch.

SCOOTER exits as JAMESON sits back down in his chair in a huff.

JAMESON
I'm surrounded by...

The phone rings. JAMESON answers it.

JAMESON
Hello?

CUT TO

CLOSE ON KERMIT’S MOUTH talking on the phone.

KERMIT
Mr. Jameson. This is the frog. You know which one.