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Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, May 18, 2007.

  1. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <Blush> Aw... It's not as bright as it would be if you were here, either...
  2. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Awww, ain't we cute?
  3. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    See them walking down the stroot.

    Sam: Down the stroot?
    Well, I had to make it rhyme...

    Now post more story!
  4. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 12

    Kermit came rushing out of the house in a suit, looking frantically at his wrist watch. "Alright everyone, Aunt Marge will be here any minute! So everyone duck behind something and get ready to jump out and yell ‘surprise,’" Kermit said to all the Muppets gathered in the backyard.

    "You sure you wanna do that, Kerm?" Clifford asked.

    "Yeah, we don’t want to the old bat to have a heart attack at our expense," Floyd said.

    "We don’t?" Gonzo asked.

    Camilla, Skeeter, and Janice were sitting at one of the tables that had been set up outside with their respective temporary boyfriends. "Ugh," Skeeter said. "Some men are so insensitive, don’t you think, Johnny?"

    Johnny did a double-take. "Uh... well..." He looked underneath the tablecloth. "What do I think, Sal?" he asked his monkey under the table.

    Sal shrugged. "Just say ‘yeah.’"

    Johnny sat back up. "Yeah," he said.

    "Ugh, absolutely disgraceful," Sam said.

    Camilla, who was sitting on the other side of the table from Sam, rolled her eyes.

    "Mister Kermit! Mister Kermit, sir!" Dr. Honeydew called, running out of the house with Beaker following close behind.

    Kermit frowned. "Dr. Honeydew, make it quick, Aunt Marge is on her way!"

    "Oh, dear, I do apologize," Bunsen said.

    "Mee mo," Beaker nodded.

    "What do you need?" Kermit snapped.

    "Oh, yes, well, I was just letting you know that my Muppet Labs P Harmony machine is fully operational and ready for use at your earliest convenience!" Bunsen said proudly.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "Actually, Dr. Honeydew, I think I’ve changed my mind about computer dating."

    "Oh, I assure you, mister Kermit, there will be no dating of computers involved!" Bunsen said. "It seems to me that too many of them have their wires crossed, wouldn’t you say?"

    "Mo mee mo," Beaker said in agreement.

    Kermit shook his head. "Just go hide," he said. "That goes for all of you!"

    "But mister Kermit sir! What about the P Harmony machine?" Bunsen asked.

    "Later, Bunsen, later!" Kermit said.

    Kermit ran behind the tall tree in the backyard with Robin, waiting for Aunt Marge and Beauregard. "This is gonna be fun, Uncle Kermit," Robin said.

    Kermit nodded. "I hope so. Have you seen Miss Piggy?"

    Robin shook his head. "No, not since we’ve been setting up for the party."

    Kermit sighed. "Darn," he said.

    "Are you still trying to get Miss Piggy back, Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked.

    Kermit looked at his nephew. "Yes Robin, I am."

    "Oh, good," Robin said with a smile. "How’s that going?"

    Kermit smiled. "It could be better, really."

    "Oh, I’m sorry," Robin said. "Is there anything I can do?"

    Kermit rubbed his nephew’s head. "No, I don’t think so, Robin. Besides, Fozzie said he had an idea to help me win her back."

    Robin frowned. "Fozzie?"

    Kermit nodded. "I have full confidence."

    Robin nodded much in the same fashion. "Okay, then I do too. As long as you do, Uncle Kermit."

    "Shh!" Bean Bunny whispered. "They’re coming!" he shouted, jumping down off his perch on the fence. "Everybody hi-"

    The fence door swung open and whacked Bean against the fence. Aunt Marge stomped through the door. "Kermie!" Aunt Marge screamed at the top of her lungs.

    Robin looked at Kermit, and Kermit looked at Robin. No one jumped out. Kermit gulped and stepped out from behind the tree. "Um, Aunt Marge! Surprise! Happy birthday!" he said.

    "Happy birthday?" she asked. "Happy birthday?" she screamed. "Oh, and I suppose you leaving me with some lump is supposed to be some sort of birthday present?"

    Kermit cleared his throat. "Well, you see, Aunt Marge, we were trying to get you out of the house so we could plan a surprise party for you."

    Aunt Marge stomped right up to Kermit and glared down at him. "Is there cake?" she asked.

    Kermit was visibly shaking. "Uh, well, yes, of course."

    "What kind?"

    "Oh, well, uh, you know, you’re favor-"

    "What kind?"

    "Mantis layer cake, of course."

    Aunt Marge drilled her eyes into Kermit’s planet-shaped (and at this point, sized) eyelids. "Good," she said sharply, stomping off. She plopped herself down at one of the tables, crossed her frog legs and arms, and waited. "Well, isn’t this supposed to be a surprise party?" she asked.

    Kermit looked around frantically. All of the other Muppets walked out meekly, weakly shouting "surprise."

    Aunt Marge rolled her eyes. "Why am I not surprised?" she asked herself.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. Fozzie walked up to him and put his hand on Kermit’s shoulder. "Well, that went well, Kermit."

    Kermit looked up at the bear. "I’ve seen tomatoes that make better surprises than that."

    "Yeah?" Fozzie asked. "Well, you’d be surprised how hard tomatoes can be. I would know."

    Fozzie was suddenly splattered with a bowl of salsa. "Sorry," Statler called from the snack table.

    "Yeah, it was all we could find," Waldorf replied.

    "Do ho ho ho!" They both laughed.

    Kermit shook his head. "Sorry, Fozzie."

    Fozzie took a dab of the salsa on his finger and licked it. "That’s okay, this salsa is great. Where are the chips?" Fozzie asked, walking away.

    "Um, boss?" Scooter said to Kermit.

    "What is it now, Scooter?" Kermit asked.

    "We can’t find Beau," Scooter said.

    Kermit frowned, and looked towards Aunt Marge. "Did you ask her?"

    "Well, I tried, Rowlf tried, Lew tried, she won’t tell us," Scooter said.

    Kermit sighed. "So, you want me to try?"

    "Well, not necessarily," Scooter said. "Rowlf and I think that... well... maybe Sam could ask."

    Kermit cursed the blinking gods once more. "Sam? The Eagle?"

    "Uh huh." Scooter nodded.


    "Well, he and Aunt Marge seem to have some sort of... mind set that intertwines," Scooter said. "He thinks we’re an uncultured lot of despicable weirdos, and she thinks we’re an un-evolved bunch of moronic ninnies."

    Kermit stared at the go-fer. "Alright, give it a try."

    "Excuse me my amphibious amigo," Dr. Teeth addressed the frog.

    "Dr. Teeth?" Kermit asked the bearded bandy. "What are you doing not... performing?"

    "There seems to be a bit of a frightful fight of feuding friends in and amongst the band," Dr. Teeth said, waving his hands around.

    "I noticed, what with the bills for the new drum set," Kermit said.

    "Which is why we can’t participate in your party’s performance," Dr. Teeth said.

    Kermit groaned. "I can’t say this is really a surprise..."

    "Yet this is a surprise party, interesting, isn’t it?" Dr. Teeth asked.

    Kermit frowned. "Very."

    "Um, boss?" Scooter came toddling back up to Kermit.

    "What is it now, Scooter?" Kermit asked.

    "We know where Beau is," Scooter said.

    "Oh? Good! Sam got it out of Aunt Marge after all!" Kermit said. "Where is he?"

    "Tied to a tree over in the park," Scooter said.

    Kermit’s face twisted as if he was going to explode.

    "Don’t- don’t worry boss," Scooter said quickly. "We sent Sweetums to-"

    "Why can’t I blink?" Kermit shouted.

    Everyone stopped and looked at Kermit.

    "Whadaya mean, can’t blink?" Aunt Marge asked.

    "I’m a frog! Frog’s don’t have eyelids!" Kermit said.

    "No, but we’ve got nictitating membranes," Aunt Marge said.

    "Nicta- whosa- wha’?" Johnny asked.

    "Nictitating membrane," Aunt Marge reiterated. "Go to Wikipedia, look it up."

    "Aunt Marge," Kermit said to his aunt. "Care to elaborate?"

    Aunt Marge muttered. "Didn’t you pay attention in school, Kermie?" she asked.

    "I couldn’t afford it," Kermit said.

    "Boo!" Statler called.

    "Hiss!" Waldorf added.

    "Anyway," Aunt Marge continued. "The nictitating membrane is a special eyelid on frogs that lets them blink. But it’s clear, so you’re the only one who’ll know that you’re doing it."

    "Gee, that’s pointless," Gonzo said.

    "Only a real jerky man would think that," Skeeter said.

    Gonzo sighed and silenced himself.

    The silence didn’t last long, however, as an explosion blew out the basement wall. Bunsen and Beaker came out covered in ash and coughing. "Mister Kermit sir, it looks like the Muppet Labs P Harmony machine will not be operational."

    "Mo mee mo mo meep mo!" Beaker sputtered.

    "Oh, yes, and Beaker seems to be in love with a stump," Bunsen said.

    Kermit turned to Fozzie. "Fozzie?"

    "Yes?" the bear replied.

    "Good grief..."
    ElizaSchuyler likes this.
  5. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    IN LOVE WITH A STUMP! BLINKING! CAKE! SURPRISE! BEAU! SAM! BAND! SALSA! TOMATO SURPRISE! FAKE BOYFRIENDS! Um, what am I missing... Oh, of course! WINNING BACK MISS PIGGY! And um... EVERYTHING! IT'S JUST SO FREAKING TOTALLY AWESOME AND I LOVE IT AND I LOVE YOU AND hey, did you notice we posted new chapters at like, the exact same time?

  6. Leyla

    Leyla Well-Known Member


    Totally made my day... and I'm WELL into the next day. Also, I finally GOT P Harmony.

    Yes, I am dumb as a post. Maybe when Beaker dumps the stump he'll talk...er, meep, at me.

    Love Kermit's faith in Fozzie, and Robin's in Kermit, and really the whole thing is so fun and light hearted and.. oh, listen, the birds are heralding the dawn... very very fun Prawnie! Excellent! Awesome! Hoorah... I'm going to sleep now.
  7. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Sleep? Must be one of those oft-fabled things, like the Golden Fleece, the Bermuda Triangle, or the life of a prawn and a toga.
    Good schtuff, that half said everything already. More plzzzzzzz....
    *Head conks out on the table.
  8. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    Great chapter, I'd love to say more and I promise to give a detailed review sometime this week after I post my new chapter and you give me a detailed review as promised. :) For now though I will just say "more please!"
  9. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Blasts Prawny with his own penguin cannons. Hey, isn't it about time you updated this thing? Or has that 10K race gone to yer head. Come back here and post more story, or we'll be battin' down the hatches to get it!
  10. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    I'm trying! I've been sooooo busy lately, sorry guys... I'll try and get some up tonight.
  11. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Well-Known Member

    Better. :p I shall become those 'naggers' Count mentioned. ;).
    Take your time.
  12. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Lemme tell you what is... tomorrow I have absolutely nothing at all to do, so expect some writing from me then.
  13. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Well-Known Member


    Claudia: Ok boys, throw away the pitchforks!

    Beaker: Meeep ;_;

    Bunsen: Oh Poo.

  14. redBoobergurl

    redBoobergurl Well-Known Member

    When the new chapter is up I will give you a detailed review just like you did for me. :) I'll be out of the office this afternoon though and not around much tonight so if you post it today, it might not come until tomorrow but I still promise to do it!
  15. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    YAY! *hugs* Thanks Beth! :excited:
  16. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Just too bad there's no new chapter for her to review...
  17. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    :smirk: It's coming. :p
  18. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 13

    Kermit and Fozzie stepped out of the taxi. Kermit looked up at the sign of the restaurant. "Le Nid d’Amour?" Kermit read. "What’s that mean?"

    Fozzie shrugged. "Who cares? I’m just hungry," Fozzie said. "C’mon, let’s go." Fozzie started dragging Kermit into the restaurant.

    "Fozzie, what are we doing here, anyway?" Kermit asked.

    "Having dinner, of course," Fozzie said with a smile.

    "And who will be paying for this?" Kermit asked.

    "Oh, I’m sure we’ll figure something out," Fozzie said.


    Fozzie pushed Kermit into the restaurant. "Hey, fancy place," Fozzie said, looking around. "Look, they even have a karaoke machine! Ahh!" Fozzie pointed.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. "When does the clown come out?"

    "Oh, Kermit, don’t be silly," Fozzie said. "The clown’s only here on Thursdays."

    Fozzie walked up to the host’s desk, where a very snooty man was standing dressed in a suit, and sporting a very finely trimmed mustache. "Hello," Fozzie said to the man, cheerfully.

    The man peered down and Fozzie and sneered. "Oh... hello."

    "Hi there," Fozzie said. "Um, we need a table for two, please."

    The man leaned on his elbow and raised his nose at Fozzie. "Where are your suits?"

    "Our what?" Fozzie asked.

    "Your suits," the man repeated. "This is Le Nid d’Amour, not some- some karaoke bar," the man said. "You simply must have suits to dine with us."

    "Oh," Fozzie said. "Um," he hesitated, biting his bottom lip. "Kermit!" he called to the frog.

    Kermit walked over to the desk, and the man’s attention quickly rose. "Oh, Kermit the Frog, good evening," the man said. "You must be meeting Miss Piggy and her date?" the man asked.

    Kermit tilted his head. "Beg pardon?"

    "Oh!" Fozzie shouted. "Yes! That is exactly what we’re doing!"

    "I assumed so," the man said. "Yet, the matter of your suits still remains."

    "Oh," Kermit said quickly. "Well that’s just too bad, I guess we’ll just have to-"

    "Fortunately," the man interrupted. "We do have suits you may borrow from us, I wouldn’t want you to miss this chance with Miss Piggy." The man smirked at Kermit.

    Kermit scrunched up his face again. "You’re too kind," he said. "Really."

    "Consider it a favor," the man said. "Now, if you’ll come with me."

    Kermit hesitated, but Fozzie pulled him along by his arm. "C’mon, Kermit!"

    The frog and the bear followed the snooty man to a coat closet. He peered inside. "Ah," he said. "It seems you caught us just in time, we only have two suits left."

    "Oh!" Fozzie said. "That’s great! Isn’t that great, Kermit?"

    Kermit sighed. "That’s great, Fozzie."

    The man pulled out two of the ugliest suits the frog had ever seen. Both of them were the ugliest shade of red brown that could be imagined, and to make matters worse, they were plaid. "Here you are," the man said with that snooty smirk.

    "Wow!" Fozzie gasped.

    "My thoughts exactly." Kermit frowned.

    "What craftsmanship!" Fozzie said, snatching the suit from the man. "Do you think I could buy this from you?"

    Kermit stared at the bear. "My complete opposite thoughts."

    "I simply must insist that you put these on," the man said. "We wouldn’t want you to keep Miss Piggy waiting."

    "No, no, of course not!" Fozzie said. "Don’t worry, we don’t need a changing room. We’re not changing out of anything."

    Kermit reluctantly grabbed the suit. "Thanks," he said.

    "Yeah, thanks Bob," Fozzie said.

    "It’s Robert," the man hissed.

    "Oh yeah," Fozzie said.

    The man rose his nose into the air again, and walked away. Kermit turned to Fozzie as he wwas putting on the suit. "You know that guy?" Kermit asked.

    "Uh, sorta," Fozzie said. "Well, um, we went took a correspondence course together."

    Kermit frowned. "A correspondence course?"

    "Of course, at Who’s Laughin’ at U," Fozzie said.

    "That guy studied comedy?" Kermit asked.

    "Yeah, he took fashion humor," Fozzie said.

    Kermit stared at Fozzie. "You have got to be kidding me."

    "Nope," Fozzie said, straightening his tie. "Are you gonna put your suit on or not?"

    Kermit looked at Fozzie, then looked at the suit. "No, I don’t think I am."

    "Aw, okay," Fozzie said. "You don’t mind if I keep mine on, do ya?" Fozzie asked.

    Kermit smiled and patted his best friend’s shoulder. "No, of course not."

    "Oh good," Fozzie said. "‘Cause this sure is spiffy."

    "That’s one word for it," Kermit said.

    Fozzie took off his hat and pushed back the fur on top of his head. "Ready?"

    "As much as amphibianly possible."


    "Sal?" Clifford said to the monkey. "Where’s Johnny?"

    "He’s havin’ dinner at his ma’s house with Skeeter," Sal said, straightening his fist ful of cash.

    "How’d you get all that money, monkey?" Floyd asked.

    Sal shrugged. "I made some smart investments."

    "He sure did," Scooter said. "I’ve never seen someone who plays the bank so well."

    "I can’t believe you got me involved in this again," Sam said to Scooter.

    "Man, just roll the dice," Clifford said.

    Sam picked up the dice and rolled them on the board, moving the shoe across the board. "Ach, jail, this is outrageous, I am fine upstanding citizen of these United States! I do not belong in-"

    "Just move jour piece, baldy," Pepe said.

    Sam glared at the prawn. "If it wasn’t for your obscene amount of hotels, I would have enough money to afford a toupe."

    Rizzo and Gonzo stood in the doorway watching the game. "I can’t believe those guys!" Gonzo whispered.

    "Yeah, t’ey’re really smokin’ Sam," Rizzo said.

    "Not that," Gonzo said. "I just can’t believe that Clifford and Floyd would associate with him after what he did to me!"

    "What’d he do to ya, again?" Rizzo asked.

    "He stole my chick!" Gonzo said.

    "Well, technically, he didn’t even look at her, she just took him," Rizzo said.

    "Whose side are you on, anyway?" Gonzo asked.

    "I dunno, I’m just here for da food."

    "You little rat!"

    "Eh, I do what I can."

    "Rizzo, we’ve gotta do something!" Gonzo said.

    "Oh yeah?" Rizzo asked. "Well just what do you propose we do?"

    "Propose!" Gonzo said. "That’s it!"

    Rizzo rolled his eyes. "I t’ink it’s probably illegal to marry a chicken."

    "Then we’ll go to Canada!" Gonzo shouted.

    Rizzo smacked his head. "Listen, t’ere’s gotta be some ot’er way, one d’at doesn’t involve da t’rowin’ of rice." Rizzo stopped himself and looked at his feet. "On second t’ought, maybe it’s not such a bad idea."

    "No, you’re right," Gonzo said. "Camilla’s not the marrying type," Gonzo said, beginning to pace the floor.

    "Can we still get the rice?" Rizzo asked.

    "There’s no time for that now," Gonzo said. "But we can get corn."

    "Corn?" Rizzo asked.

    "Yes!" Gonzo said. "We’ll get the corn, and make a trail for Camilla to follow up to my room, where I’ll serenade her again! She can’t resist me twice!"

    "T’ere is no way I’m singin’ back up for you again," Rizzo said.

    "Fine," Gonzo said. "I’ve got a few favors to call in anyway. I’m sure Britney and Christina would love to help."

    "You set Britney’s hair on fire! Why would she help you?" Rizzo asked.

    "Because!" Gonzo said. "Without me, she would’ve never got the mental help she needed."

    "Yeah, it’s a wonder she didn’t ask you to go wit’ her," Rizzo said.

    "What are you saying?" Gonzo asked.

    "Gonzo," Rizzo said. "I’m tellin ya d’is as a friend, just be yourself, and Camilla’ll come back to ya."

    "No way!" Gonzo said. "I mean, she’s dating Sam! How could she ever love me?"

    Rizzo groaned. "Gonzo, bend over."


    "Bend over!"

    Gonzo bent over, putting his head right in front of Rizzo. "Well, what?"

    Rizzo knocked on Gonzo’s head with his fist. "Hello! Anyone home in d’ere? The chick’s desperate!" Rizzo said. "She’s just trying to get back at you!"

    "Well how the heck did you come up with that?" Gonzo asked.

    Rizzo grabbed off his hat and threw it on the ground. "D’at’s it! I give up!"

    "Hey!" Gonzo called after the rat as he walked away. "You can’t leave!"

    "I have given you every shred of relationship advice a rat my size can muster," Rizzo said.

    "But Rizzo-" Gonzo said. Rizzo walked back over to Gonzo. "Thank you."

    "For what?" Rizzo asked, picking up his hat. "I just wanted my hat back." He put the hat back on his head and walked into the kitchen.

    Gonzo sighed. "Okay, fine Rizzo, you win," Gonzo said. He walked into the game room. "Hey guys, room for one more?"

    Everyone looked at him. "Yeah, c’mon Gonz, pull up a chair," Clifford said.

    "Indeed," Sam said. "You just can’t buy any hotels, this foreign, four-armed fiend has bought them all."

    "Hey, not my fault I’m such a smart investor, hokay?" Pepe said.

    "And it is not my fault that I am dating this weirdo’s chicken," Sam said, motioning to Gonzo.

    Floyd blinked, Clifford lowered his glasses, Pepe chuckled. "Aw," Scooter said. "Is this Sam’s way of apologizing to Gonzo?"

    Gonzo looked up at Sam. Sam shifted his eyes around. "Um, no, of course not, I was just... making sure he... he knew that... uh..."

    Gonzo smiled. "Apology accepted, Sam," Gonzo said. "Now c’mon, I want the thimble!"

    "You would," Sal said.

    "Okay, so where’s my money?" Gonzo asked.

    "Uh," Clifford sorted through the "bank." "We’ve only got a few ones left."

    Everyone looked at Sal, who was counting his five-hundred dollar bills. "What? Someone’s gotta keep Johnny Fiama’s money rolling while he’s out."

    "Speakin’ of which," Clifford said. "Wonder how Skeet’s holdin’ up over at Mama Fiama’s house."

    "Five bucks says she comes home covered in spaghetti sauce," Sal says.

    "We talkin’ Monopoly money, or cold, hard cash?" Clifford asked.

    "Are you really gonna take another bet from him?" Scooter asked.

    "Cash!" Sal said.

    "Yeah, I am," Clifford said, shaking Sal’s paw.

    "And you wonder why Skeeter broke up with you..." Scooter muttered.
    ElizaSchuyler likes this.
  19. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    <HUGS!> <total GLOMPAGE!>


    And I LOVE the rest, too, but I'm trying to restrain myself to leave room for Beth's promised detailed review. :halo:

  20. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yaey! Like I saids elsewhere, will let Beth do the reviewing since she already promised.

    So much goodness... Prawny, post mooooooooooore!

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