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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Kiki, Dec 3, 2006.
Hey, did you hear the joke about the cement floor?
Never mind...it’s too hard for you.
Justin Bieber concerts apparently have medicinal properties: one man got up from his wheel chair and walked away.
Marriage is like a three-ring circus - there's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring - Lou Costello
I'd like to do another joke at Justin's expense. A cute boy at your school held my little brother. I said "Awww!" Justin held his little sister in a photo...I said"Child abuse!"
What's the Internet's favorite animal?
This one is not only old, but it really puts the corn in corny.
How do Canadians spell the name of their country?
A woman runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, help me! I'm shrinking!"
The doctor says, "Okay, okay, just be a little patient."
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I've swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor says, "We'll have to see what to develops."
A farmer goes to the doctor with his chicken.
"What's the problem, Farmer Brown?"
"My chicken just swallowed a brick!"
"Congratulations! Your chicken is now a bricklayer!"
In honor of Valentine’s Day, here’s a joke about a husband and wife. Just as they are setting off on a car trip...
Wife: Oh, stop the car, quick! I forgot to turn off the electric iron.
Husband: It’s all right, dear, nothing will burn. I forgot to turn off the shower.
Two guys where walking in a field and came to a giant hole. They wanted to see how deep the hole was so after looking around they found an anvil. They drug the anvil over to the hole and pushed it in. They never heard the anvil hit or anything, then from no where a goat comes running towards them, and jumps in the hole. Some time passes and a framer comes by yelling "Betty Betty" he asks the men if they had seen a goat. One of the men says "Yes but she jump into the hole." the farmer said "That's Impossible she was chained to an anvil."
Why are rock musicians so mean?
They beat the drums and pick on the guitars.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
What do you do if your bass player is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
Did you hear about the drummer who finished college?
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it way too loudly.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they've got machines for that now.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you toss a trombone into the garbage can from twenty feet away.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
They both suck when you plug them in.
What is the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
What's the difference between an onion and bagpipes?
No one cries when bagpipes are getting chopped up.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner.
Why are violinist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
What is the difference between a viola and a cello?
The cello burns longer.
What do you call a musician who broke up with his girlfriend?
Why should saxophone players be buried six feet under?
Deep down, they're really nice people.
If you found a $20 bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
Somebody else’s coat.
How did Ebeneezer Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those that can't count.
What's a ghost favorite dessert?
I went to the grocery store the other day and noticed a Disney Frozen dinner; it only turned out to be a dinner tray full of ice cubes, snow, and carrots....
Hey, Pope John-Paul! And his brother, Pope George-Ringo!
Not sure if this one has been used but...
What's so great about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus!
Why don't dinosaurs talk?
Because they're dead.
Here's one I just made up:
What's Santa's favorite cut of fries?
Kris Kringle-cut fries!
Separate names with a comma.