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Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by theprawncracker, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hey Prawn... Sorry I didn't bump this for ju. But is okay story... It needs more to be posted okay? Ju post more soon, or we will come after Ju and um, force feed ju da cooking man's yuchy food okay. Post more! ! !
  2. RedPiggy

    RedPiggy Well-Known Member

    Yay Robin!
  3. Muppetfan44

    Muppetfan44 Active Member

    woo-hoo! An update! I liked it. Definitely excited to see how Robin is going to interact with everyone in the castle, and how Kermit is doing on his quest!

    Great Job! Please post more soon!
  4. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Robin...owns...my...soul. O_O *stores it in a bucket and gives it to the cute, little froggy*

    So, I finally caught up with mah reading-ness on this wicked epic fic...

    ...and I bow before you, Prawn Master. O_O

    *offers ice cream and Spamela and Spamela covered with ice cream, awaiting the next chapter* :halo:
  5. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hey Prawni! Is ju not going to update dis fanfic of jours? Is missing some new updates... And I is wanting to read it of course. Especially when they pays me the celeries to read dese fanfics peoples post. So update... Now! Or we fire da penguins okay?
    *Aims da cannons of de penguins at ju Prawnidew.

    What? The penguins cannons isn't working? Unbelievable okay.
  6. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    *bump* *shifty eyes* *sulks away into the darkness* *for sixty seconds*
  7. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 10

    Kermit sat, staring into the white puppy-dog eyes of Rowlf, who was sitting across the table from him, haphazardly wiping down a beer mug.

    “Th-that’s it?” Kermit asked.

    “Yup,” Rowlf said simply.

    Kermit looked to Fozzie who, in turn, looked from the frog and the dog confusedly.

    Scooter scratched his head. “I thought you said you’d heard a rumor about the chalice we’re looking for!” he said to Rowlf.

    “I did!” Rowlf said defensively.

    “But-but all you told us was that a nice, female frog came in and told you everything about the chalice we already know!” Fozzie whined.

    Rowlf shrugged. “How was I supposed to know you already knew that stuff?” he asked.

    “He makes a good point,” Gonzo said.

    “Not helping, Gonzo,” Kermit said.

    “Well neither is he!” Gonzo shouted, pointing at Rowlf.

    “Hey,” Rowlf said, “I’m just tellin’ you what I know—and what I know is that a nice, good looking lady frog came in and told me this whole story. She seemed pretty upset—didn’t smell too good either.”

    Kermit frowned. “Well unfortunately Rowlf, I don’t really think that’ll help us out too much…”

    “Hold on a second, boss!” Scooter shouted suddenly. “Rowlf, did this frog say where she was going when she left here?”

    Rowlf scratched his ear and plunged the depths of his memory, trying to remember. “Not specifically… all she said was that she just wanted to go find the cave that chalice is buried in and curl up and die there.”

    Fozzie gulped audibly. “D-d-die?” he stuttered.

    Gonzo’s eyes widened with excitement. “Die? How morbid! I love it! Ha ha!”

    Kermit looked at Scooter. “What’s that supposed to tell us?” the knight asked his squire.

    “Don’t’cha see, Kermit?” Scooter asked. “We now know that the chalice is in a cave, and that the frog lady knew where that cave was!”

    “I’m not following,” Gonzo said.

    “Meaning, if we knew which direction the frog lady went,” Scooter said, “we’d be on the right path to the cave of the chalice!”

    “Oh, I get it,” Gonzo said. “But… doesn’t that seem to easy?” he asked.

    “Easy’s good!” Fozzie interjected quickly. “I like easy!”

    “Me too!” Kermit said, hopping up quickly. “Easy it is, then!” Kermit placed his hand on Scooter’s shoulder. “Good work, squire.”

    Scooter flushed slightly. “Thanks boss.”

    “Well team, it looks like we should be going!” Kermit said.

    “Going where?” Fozzie asked.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “To the cave of the chalice!” the frog said.

    “Oh yeah,” Fozzie said. “But… how do we get there?”

    Kermit stopped in his flipper-steps. “Oh yeah… how do we get there?”

    Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, and Scooter each turned to look at Rowlf, who was quietly rubbing out another beer mug. The dog looked up slowly. “Huh. Ya ever get the feeling that you’re bein’ watched?” he asked, chuckling to himself.

    Kermit approached the bartender slowly. “Gee, Rowlf, do you think you could point us in the direction of that frog lady?” he asked.

    Rowlf sat the mug down on the table. “That depends,” he said. “’Cause if froggy’s tryin’ to go a’courtin’—no can do—and that’s for your own good!”

    Kermit grimaced. “No, no, no—nothing like that!” Kermit said. “We just want the chalice.”

    “Ah!” Rowlf said happily. “Well in that case… sure thing. You did help clear those bums out of my bar—although they were the only paying customers… but you guys gave me a song. That’s a tune we can all dance to!”

    “We can—” Scooter started.

    “And I did!” Fozzie said. “Wocka! Wocka!”

    Rowlf shook his head. “C’mon outside and I’ll see if I can pick up her scent—lucky for you guys, I’m part blood hound!”

    “Which part?” Kermit asked.

    “The nose—thankfully,” Rowlf said with a smirk.

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Robin hopped upon stair after stair in the dimly lit tower. The only sound, other than that of his little flippers “plunking” down on the stairs, was his incessant counting.

    “One-hundred thirty-three, one-hundred thirty-four, one-hundred…” Robin paused suddenly. “Wait a second… why am I counting to halfway if I don’t know how many half way is?”

    The little frog shrugged and continued hopping. The fact that every stair was nearly as tall as he was didn’t help the fatigue that was sure to be setting in soon. Regardless, he persisted anyway, his five year old curiosity fueling each hop.

    Once he stopped counting each step, it was hard to determine how long it took him to reach the top--but one thing was for sure; he’d reached it.

    Robin let out a relieved sigh as he looked down at the last step. Then he looked up slowly, and dramatically (all for the camera, of course) at the massive door posted in front of him.

    Robin stared up at the door.

    He gulped loudly.

    He bravely reached for the door knob.

    He couldn’t reach the door knob.

    Tip-toes didn’t help much as the young frog reached and reached for the knob of the dark door before him.

    Finally, he buckled down (his knees, that is) and leapt up towards the knob.

    His fingers couldn’t grip the cold brass as he slid right off and fell down on the top stair. He grumbled, rubbed his rump, and stood back up.

    The green knees bent once more, and Robin soared towards the door knob.

    His grip tightened around the knob, he held on with both hands, and turned it towards the right.

    As Robin hung from the door knob he looked around. “Well what now?” he asked aloud.

    Robin looked to his left at the wall next to the door. He reached out his little green foot and pressed it against the stone. He pushed hard enough with the knob still turned that the door slowly creaked open.

    Robin hopped down onto the top stair and looked inside the door. It wasn’t, as Robin had hoped, glowing from the inside. It was even darker than the stairway, and much spookier (and not just because of the terrible choice of drapes. Blech!).

    The little frog put his best foot forward and slid it into the room. “Hello?” he called out. His small voice echoed around the dark room. “Is anybody… home?”

    Perhaps to answer his question, the door he had tried so desperately to open slammed shut behind him, nearly knocking him over. It was so dark now that Robin couldn’t see his own hand in front of his face (let alone anything else in front of his face).

    Suddenly, all around him, blue flames flickered out of the darkness. A circle of blue surrounded him. He gulped again and looked around, cradling his little body. “Hello? I asked if anyone was here!”

    “Here, I am,” hissed an eerie voice.

    “Oh, good,” Robin sighed, comforted, “then I’m not alone. My name is Robin the Frog, and--”

    Something brushed forward in the dark and wrapped a scaly hand around Robin’s chest. “A frog?” the same voice sneered. A long snout slowly approached Robin’s nose and beady yellow eyes lit up in the pitch-black in front of the frog.

    Robin felt his stomach rub along the palm of the creature’s hand as he gulped. “Umm… yeah, I’m a frog. You know… green, hippity-hop, lilly pads, long tongues--all that?”

    With its free hand the creature snapped. Light filled the room and Robin looked straight into the blue, scaly face of Uncle Deadly (of course, he didn’t know that--they haven’t been properly introduced yet! Do pay attention.).

    “I know exactly what you are,” Uncle Deadly said. “A hideous frog! How did you get up here?”

    Robin frowned slightly at being called hideous. “I took the stairs,” Robin said. “You really should think about installing an elev--…Never mind.”

    “Oh, never mind!” Deadly shouted. “Why did you seek me out? What do you want?”

    “Well…” Robin thought. “Right now I’d really like to be put down… then an introduction would be nice.”

    Uncle Deadly smirked. “Quite the wit on this young froglet, I see. Hmph, fine. I am Uncle Deadly!” he declared proudly, as if rehearsed (actually, completely rehearsed). “An evil wi--wait!” he shouted. He tossed Robin to the floor and spun around dramatically, snapping his claws and allowing only one spotlight to shine down upon him as he entered his monologue.

    “If I don’t reveal to this frog my evil ways, perhaps I, Uncle Deadly, dark wizard, can get him on my side!” Deadly declared. “Then I’ll have bait to hold against his foolish uncle once he returns with that cursed chalice! Ha!” Uncle Deadly laughed menacingly. “It’s a fool-proof plot!”

    With another snap of his fingers, the rest of the lights returned and Deadly swept back, bringing Robin into his grasp again. “Yes, I am Uncle Deadly, a kindly old wizard who was locked in this terrible, drafty tower for all eternity simply because I couldn’t make the princesses mole disappear!” Deadly moaned, playing his plan off for all it was worth.

    Robin looked up with caring eyes at the ugly, scarred, angry blue monster. With his free hand he gently patted Uncle Deadly’s talon. “I’m sorry,” he said calmly. “I’m Robin. The Frog.”

    “I had noticed that part,” Deadly said quickly.

    “Is there anything I can do for you?” Robin asked.

    “Oh!” Deadly shouted, acting completely moved. “You, young Robin, are simply too kind! I could never ask of anything from you--nay, never, I say! You’ve done enough by simply visiting this old, kindly wizard in his dark, drafty--did I mention drafty already?--tower. Please, don’t let me keep you any longer than I already have. Go on with you, your uncle must be worried sick!” Uncle Deadly said, continuing to ham it up (and he’s doing a lovely job of it, no?). He placed Robin on the ground and gently pushed him towards the door.

    Robin turned back and stared up at Uncle Deadly. “Aw, well I can’t just leave you like that!” he said. “I just got here! In fact, I think all you need is… well, a friend.” The young frog smiled a huge smile at the blue creature and walked back into the center of the room.

    “A… friend?” Uncle Deadly asked slowly, as if finding the word unpronounceable. “Why… I’ve never had a… a friend before,” he said, this time not at all lying (as if you couldn’t tell!).

    Really?” Robin asked, completely dumbfounded by this notion. “Well I’ve made lots of friends down there in the castle! I’ll bring them up and then--then we can all be friends! I’ll be back soon!” Robin said, running for the stairs cheerfully. He stopped suddenly and turned around, “Well… actually, it won’t be soon. Those stairs really take a long time to get up and down!”

    With that, Robin was gone, leaving Uncle Deadly alone. The dark wizard turned dramatically and clenched his fist in angst. “Alas!” he declared. “The young frog has already pierced my heartless soul with his disgusting cuteness! I can’t let him get to me,” Deadly hissed. “I must focus! Ha!” he laughed again. “He’s gone to fetch his friends from the castle… Perfect!” he decided. “I’ll brainwash them and turn them against the princess--making my over-throwing of this awful monarchy all the more easy!”

    Uncle Deadly grasped his long, black cape and swirled it around his body. As Uncle Deadly disappeared behind the dark cape, so did the light in the tower.
  8. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Blinks. Update? Update? OMG, updaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!

    *Slides down banister of the stairs with Robin in hand. Weeeeeeee! !

    Prawny's back in town and there's gonna be a new feeling going round (well, not that icky feeling of sickness and dread that's gripped the nation last few weeks), cause Prawny's back in town! ! !

    And don't make us blast you with magic lightning or muffins to get the next part posted. Post man, erm prawn, post.
  9. RedPiggy

    RedPiggy Well-Known Member

    That was hilarious, as always. :D

    I love it when you name a character before introductions and then try to backslide. And Deadly's little monologue was just TOO funny.
  10. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Will actually reply when actually awake. <imagines shaking fist at lack of sleep> <lacks energy to actually shake fist>
  11. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 11

    Rowlf sniffed the surrounding area outside his pub. He stopped suddenly and looked back and forth quickly. “Nope,” he said solemnly. “Squirrel.”

    Fozzie tapped Kermit on the shoulder and leaned in close. “Were there squirrels in the middle ages?” he whispered.

    Kermit scrunched up his face and stared up at the bear. “Fozzie, are you nuts?” he asked.

    “No!” Gonzo said, popping in between the knight and the comedian. “That’s me! Ha ha!”

    “You guys!” Scooter shouted. “I think he’s found something!” the squire ran towards Rowlf who was, very obviously, on a trail. It looked as if the dog’s nose was, literally, pulling (you thought all noses could do was run) him along a small road behind the pub.

    Fozzie quickly grabbed the horse’s reigns and pulled him along the path, following Kermit, Gonzo, and Scooter, who were following Rowlf, who was following his nose, who was following a strict daily sniffercise regiment.

    Rowlf stopped abruptly, almost causing Kermit to bump into him (Gonzo did bump into Kermit, but the frog suspected the weirdo liked it). Rowlf whipped out his right arm, stood back up on two feet and dramatically pointed into the distance.

    “What, what is it boy?” Scooter asked. “Is Jimmy stuck in the well?”

    Rowlf broke his dramatic pose to turn to stare at Scooter. “What’s a well?” he asked.

    “My wife,” Fozzie said suddenly, “what’s a’well with you?” he added with a thick Italian accent.

    Everyone groaned in unison (even the horse). Rowlf shook it off and pointed back again. “It smells like she’s a straight shot from here,” the dog said. “I’d tag along with ya, but I can’t leave the bar by itself.”

    Kermit nodded slowly. “I understand,” he said. “I have the same problem with Gonzo.”

    Rowlf looked around Kermit’s shoulder and noticed Gonzo trying to engage the horse in conversation. He looked back at Kermit. “Understood,” he said with a nod.

    “Hey, Rowlf, listen--” Kermit started.

    “Nope!” Rowlf shouted, shaking his head. “Not gonna hear it. I don’t believe in sayin’ goodbye. We’ll see each other again.”

    Kermit paused. “Erm… I know that,” he said. “I was going to offer you a position at the castle if I became king--but you said you didn’t want to hear it, so…”

    Rowlf frowned. He had never been one-upped on his “not gonna hear it” line. “Huh. Well, ya know, dogs have super-sensitive hearing. Even if I didn’t want to hear it, I still would--and I did--and I accept!” the dog said with a cheeky smile.

    “Should I write that down, boss?” Scooter asked.

    Kermit shrugged. “I don’t really think there’s a reason to,” the frog said. “I won’t be forgetting Rowlf anytime soon.” The knight smiled and extended his hand for Rowlf.

    Rowlf looked down at the small, spindly-fingered hand. “I don’t do that either,” he said.

    Kermit tilted his head to the side and squirmed. “Erm… what do you--”

    Rowlf cut off the frog by reaching forward and giving him a hug. “You take care of yourself, okay Kermit?” he said. “I want to see your little green self hoppin’ back to my bar stool again soon!”

    As Kermit was released from the hug he shrugged. “How dangerous could it be?” he asked with a smile.

    “Very!” Gonzo shouted. The others turned and stared at the weirdo. “Er… hopefully?”

    Behind the bushes two beady eyes on thin red stalks poked out between the leaves. “Heh heh, that’s right,” Polly sneered, “come on down this road. We’ll show ya how dangerous it is!”

    Clueless poked his head up, exposing himself completely. “How are we gonna do that?” he asked.

    “GAH!” Polly shouted, tackling Clueless, pushing him back under the bush. “Get down, will ya? You want ‘em to see us?”

    “Why, sure!” Clueless said from beneath the lobster. “They seem like nice people.”

    “You idiot! We’re on a covert operation!” Polly shouted.

    I was told this was a stake-out!” Mad Monty declared. “But I don’t see any steak anywhere!”

    “Shut up, shut up!” Polly hissed, hitting Monty with his claw. “They’re comin’!”

    The four brave and valiant (well… I guess Kermit is the only brave and valiant one) explorers walked towards the bush where the three nincompoops were (making a mockery of the word) hiding.

    “Hark!” Kermit shouted suddenly.

    The horse sat down quickly and made a clicking noise.

    Kermit scrunched up his face. “Hark,” he reiterated, “not park.”

    “What’s up, chief?” Scooter asked (if you’re wondering, Kermit had given up on telling his squire to call him Kermit).

    “Yonder bush is having a fit!” Kermit declared, pointing at a bush.

    “Ah!” Polly shouted. “We’ve been found out! Abort! Abort!”

    “A wha’?” Clueless asked.

    “ABORT!” Polly screamed as he dove out of the bush and ran off down the road, past Kermit and the others. Clueless and Monty followed behind, tripping every so often.

    “Well that was weird,” Fozzie said.

    Gonzo’s eyelids were as wide as they could be. “Even I thought so!”

    “What was that?” Scooter asked Kermit.

    Kermit shrugged. “I’m not sure,” he said. “I was talking about that bush!” He reached out his finger and pointed at a bush farther down the path and on the opposite side.

    “C’mon, Link,” a thick German accent (acschent?) said, “they’ve found us!”

    Link, Strangepork, and his two horses emerged from the bush (don’t ask me how they all fit back there) and looked at the travelers. “Say,” Link said, squinting, “I think I know you.”

    Kermit scrunched up his face and looked at Fozzie, who shrugged. “Oh, good grief,” Kermit moaned.

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Sweetums stared up at the small window at the top of the very, very large tower. He reached his massive hand underneath his even-more massive helmet and scratched his huge, shaggy head (and you thought size didn’t matter--this paragraph would’ve been useless without size).

    “I’m just not sure, little buddy,” the monster captain of the guard told Robin.

    Robin, standing at the bottom of Sweetums’ feet (both height feet and shoe feet) frowned and patted his monster pal’s foot. “Don’t worry, Sweetums, you can trust me on this one! Uncle Deadly is a great guy--he’s just lonely!” the little frog explained.

    Sweetums scoffed. “Well he certainly won’t be lonely after we get up there!” The monster gestured behind him where a small faction of his team of guards led by Crazy Harry stood, along with Johnny Fiama and Sal--the castle servant and the castle servant’s servant.

    “So… are we goin’ up already, or what?” Johnny asked.

    “Johnny Fiama’s getting’ impatient and wants to know if we’re goin’ up already OR WHAT!” Sal shouted.

    The guards accompanying them were small in number (and brain cell count), but large in shape and personality. One was a massive brown bear with beady black eyes, coated from head to toe in shiny silver armor, Bobo--the Bear (what else?). Two others, both round-headed pigs with armor and helmets on stood, head-butting each other and laughing after each hit--Andy and Randy Pig. And, finally, our old, pale-faced, fully-bearded friend Crazy Harry--complete with his dynamite that has yet to be invented.

    Sweetums wiped his nose with his arm and shrugged. “Alright Robin, if you trust ‘im, I trust ‘im. C’mon men, forward march!” the monster bellowed.

    Johnny, Sal, Bobo, and Crazy Harry followed Sweetums and Robin as they marched towards the door at the base of the tower. Andy and Randy marched the opposite way.

    “Hey, Randy?” Andy said to his brother in armor.

    “Yes?” Randy replied.

    “Which way is ‘for-ward’?” Andy asked.

    “You dumby!” Randy shouted. “It’s the way after three-ward!”

    Sweetums and Robin exchanged looks of confusion on the pigs’ behalf. “Maybe we can just leave those two up there with this friend of yours,” Sweetums muttered. “Andy! Randy! About face!” he shouted at the bumbling pork chops.

    “What about my face?” Randy asked.

    Sweetums rolled his big yellow eyes. “Just get over here!” he growled.

    The two pigs ran over, tripping over each other after about every step. When they finally reached Sweetums they stopped and saluted--even after their helmet guards fell over their eyes.

    Sweetums sighed and grabbed the two pigs by the back of their armor and turned them to the stairs. “You two,” he said, pointing at them (and talking very slowly), “go first.”

    The two pigs started to ascend the stairs followed by Bobo and Crazy Harry (just so someone was keeping an eye on him), Johnny and Sal, with Sweetums and Robin bringing up the rear.

    “This tower’s dark, Sal,” Johnny said.

    “Johnny Fiama’s scared of the dark tower!” Sal shouted.

    Johnny turned and glared at Sal, whacking him upside the head. “Shut up--stupid monkey…” he muttered.

    “Whoa! Hey there!” Bobo said quickly. “Watch it--we don’t anybody getting’ their feelings hurt,” he said, “it’s a long walk to the top from here and I will turn these pigs around!” he said, laughing at his own witty comment.

    “C’mon guys, try to get along,” Robin begged. “Uncle Deadly is really lonely and we need to be friendly!”

    “Hey, don’t look at me, small fry,” Johnny said. “Sal’s the one bein’ non-friendly!”

    “Unfriendly,” Sal corrected.

    “See?” Johnny asked.

    “Not really,” Sal said, “it’s dark in this tower.”

    Sweetums shook his head and looked down to find Robin. “Lots a stairs, aren’t there little buddy?” The monster stopped suddenly and blinked, realizing Robin was not at the stair below him. “Little buddy? Robin? Where’d ya go?”

    “Down here!” Robin called from about five stairs back. “These stairs are--” he grunted as he pulled himself on top of the next stair, “--really tall!”

    Sweetums chuckled and moved back down the previous stairs, picked up the little frog in his hand and sat him on his hulking shoulder. “Hop on!” the monster said with a smile.

    “I didn’t know I had a choice!” Robin joked.

    As Sweetums ascended the stairs (sometimes two at a time) Robin stared down. “Wow!” he said. “These stairs sure move a lot faster from up here, Sweetums!”

    Sweetums chuckled. “Stairs fly when ya weigh a ton!” he said.
    “Speakin’ of which,” Bobo said, “Andy and Randy have hit the wall.”

    “What?” Sweetums asked.

    Bobo pointed ahead at the two pigs, who had found the door yet continued to walk. “This hallway is hard!” one of them shouted.

    “If they weren’t the princesses nephew they’d be on the unemployment line faster than a fingerless piano player,” Sweetums muttered. “Bobo, open the door!”

    “Wow!” Robin said. “We really got to that door fast.”

    “Well what’d you expect?” Sweetums asked with a shrug. “This is the third time these people have seen someone climb these stairs--of course they got shorter!”

    Robin shrugged. “Works for me! Bobo, open the door!” he shouted happily.

    Bobo pushed the two pigs aside and slowly turned the door knob.
  12. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    HAAAAAAAAAA!

    I LOVE Rowlf. (No duh.) <scratches Rowlf's ear>

    And I love the bushes!

    AND, I love the stair-climbing banter. <knocks Andy and Randy together> I totally agree that they should be left with UD.

    <ahem> MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  13. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    You leave those burnt sausages with my fiend... And I'll get the Gypsy Lady to put a curse on you! Meteorites will fall on your flippers (feet), aliens will come from outer space creeping you out, and worst of all... You'll only be able to speak in mock-Swedish! So don't even dare... Oh, and post more!
  14. RedPiggy

    RedPiggy Well-Known Member

    That was great! I'm such a fan of how your dialogue just flows so naturally.
  15. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Chapter 12

    Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, and the horse stared at Link and his traveling companions (Gonzo was up in a tree or something). The frog, bear, squire, and horse all held their heads at a cocked angle staring down the bone-headed porcine prince.

    Scooter looked around at his own traveling companions. “Okay… if no one else is going to ask, I will,” he said, turning his attention back to Link. “Why were you in a bush?” the squire inquired (cute, cute rhyme).

    “Umm…” Link hummed, biting his lip nervously. “I… lost my contact.”

    “Heh, the only t’ing he’s lost is his mind!” Jeff, the brown, Jersey accented horse scoffed.

    Wayne, the gray, proper horse smirked. “I beg to differ, old chap--in order to have lost something, one must have possession of said something in the first place,” he said.

    “Your contact?” Scooter asked. “Surely they didn’t have contacts in the middle ages!”

    Kermit put a hand on his squire’s shoulder. “Easy, Scooter, if you’re going to argue that someone might decide to bring up the issue of your glasses,” the frog whispered.

    Scooter grimaced, not wanting to have his own person drawn into logistics. “Got it, chief,” he said.

    “Hark, Link,” Kermit shouted. “I have a sneaking suspicion that you were following us!”

    Link gasped ridiculously. “How dare you accuse me of such a reprehensible deed?” he asked. “I am a prince. We have no need to follow commoners such as you.”

    Gonzo leapt from whatever tree he may have been in and landed in front of Kermit and the others. “Commoners?” he shouted. “I’m the most uncommon thing in the world!”

    Strangepork peered over his glasses to look at Gonzo. “He’s probably right about z’at, Link,” he said.

    “Foo!” Link shouted, annoyed. “I practiced all of those big words for hours…”

    “And he’s not lying,” Strangepork added.

    “Ah ha!” Kermit declared. “Then you are following us!”

    Link sighed. “Yeah, yeah, you caught us…”

    “Wow!” Fozzie declared. “That’s the first time anyone has ever wanted to follow my act!” he said. “Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!”

    “I can see why,” Scooter said with a frown.

    Kermit scrunched up his face and shook his head. Turning back to
    Link, he sighed. “Why are you following us?” the frog asked.

    “We got lost…” Link mumbled.

    “I told Geoffrey not to take that left turn at Camelot…” Wayne sighed.

    “It’s Jeff!” the other horse shouted. “And it wasn’t my fault! Who’s the one holdin’ the reigns in this relationship?” He shot an accusing glare at Strangepork.

    “Yes, yes,” Strangepork interjected. “We got lost and z’en we saw your horse tied off at z’at filthy bar, so we waited for you to come out, simply to ask for directions. Then you came out--but someone--” he motioned to Link, “is deathly afraid of dogs. So… we jumped into z’e bush.”

    Kermit exchanged glances with Fozzie, Scooter, and Gonzo. Scooter shrugged. “It’s so idiotic it has to be true, boss,” he said.

    The frog shook his head. “Very well then,” he said. The brave and valiant knight mounted his horse and started back down the path again. “Come, squire, Fozzie, Gonzo, let us away!”

    Wait!” Link whined. “What about us?” he asked.

    “You? …Umm… hold on,” Kermit said. He cleared his throat. “Erm… Gonzo, could you come here for a second?” he asked the weirdo.

    Gonzo shrugged and shuffled over to the horse’s side and peered up and Kermit. “Yeah?”

    “Listen,” Kermit whispered, leaning down to reach Gonzo’s lack-of-ear level, “as a brave and valiant knight--soon to be a brave and valiant king--I simply can’t lie. It would ruin my reputation.”

    The Duke of Wherever nodded. “Understandable!” he said.

    “So… since I can’t lie… I need someone else to give Link the wrong directions, got it?” Kermit asked.

    Gonzo’s eyes widened. “You bet!” the weirdo shouted. “So would you prefer it if Fozzie or Scooter lied for you?” he asked.

    Kermit frowned. “Neither!” he hissed. “You!”

    “Ohh,” Gonzo said in realization. “Got it!”

    The Duke darted daringly downwards, dousing dear dumb-dumb in dirt (isn’t alliteration wonderful?) (and completely pointless). “’Scuse me, Link!” Gonzo said.

    Link looked down at the grinning blue thing with a big nose and an equally big hat (did I mention that hat earlier?). “…Yes?”

    “Come here,” he said, grabbing Link by the shoulders and whispering in his ears. “I’m about to give you dead-on directions of how to get to this chalice we’re all searching for.”

    “You are?” Link asked, humbled by the kindness of a weirdo. “That would be wonderful.”

    “The others think I’m giving you my world-famous recipe for disaster--so just play along, okay?” Gonzo asked.

    “Got it,” Link said.

    “Good! Now…” Gonzo muttered something into Link’s ear then released him from his grasp. “Now get going!” he shouted.

    “Umm…” Link said, looking at Kermit. “I’m not really good at good byes, so… Bye!” he shouted. Link hopped into his carriage and Strangepork cracked the reigns--they were off, headed down the path the opposite way of Kermit and the others.

    Kermit looked at the weirdo. “What did you tell him, Gonzo?” he asked.

    Gonzo shrugged. “I gave him very specifically vague directions back to my home--Wherever!”

    “So more than likely they’ll wind up in a field somewhere?” Scooter asked.

    “If they’re lucky!” Gonzo said. “A field would be much more scenic than Wherever is this time of year!”

    Fozzie scratched his head. “You mean there really is a place called Wherever?”

    “Not just a place, Fozzie,” Gonzo said, “an entire kingdom!”

    “Where is it, exactly?” Kermit asked.

    “Wherever!” Gonzo said with a grin.

    Kermit stared at the weirdo. “…That’s either really deep or just completely ludicrous,” the frog said. “Either way, let us be off, men! We have a chalice to find!”

    And with that Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight, Fozzie Bear, struggling comedian, Scooter, the squire of inquire, and Gonzo the Great, Duke of Wherever (located, conveniently, Wherever), all pointed in the right direction by the nose of Rowlf the Dog, punning bartender, continued down the path towards their destiny.

    <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

    Uncle Deadly waved his hands around the glowing orb that was his crystal ball. As the only light within the dark castle tower, it emitted an eerie glow onto everyone’s favorite dark wizard bent on conquering the kingdom.

    “Now… let’s see if we can’t find a signal,” he said. The crystal ball buzzed and rang, trying to connect. “Cursed Middle-Age connection… I live in a tower and I still don’t have service!” he muttered.

    Finally, the crystal ball clicked and the image of a path surrounded by bushes appeared within it. He waved his hands around it, apparently searching for something.

    He stopped suddenly when he saw the back of Polly’s head in his crystal ball. “Perfect,” he mumbled. “Polly!” he shouted at the luminous sphere.

    Within the ball, Polly jumped. He turned around suddenly and doubled back. “Boss? What are you doin’ here? Er… Well… your head’s here, anyway! The rest of ya seems to have checked out!”

    “Quiet, you buffoon!” Deadly yelled. “There’s no time for explanations--I pay by the minute on this thing when I’m not calling another crystal ball.”

    Clueless poked his head in the image. “You mean… we’re not on your friends and family plan?” he asked.

    Uncle Deadly sighed. “Just be quiet!” he shouted. “Have you found the frog?”

    Neither the lobster nor the goat responded.

    “I asked you a question, you idiots!” Deadly hissed.

    “But you told us to be quiet!” Polly said.

    “Just answer me!”

    “Yes sir, we’ve found the frog and his friends!” Polly said quickly.

    “Good, good,” Uncle Deadly said menacingly. “Are they on the right track towards the chalice?”

    Polly shrugged. “As far as I know, boss,” he said. “They got some help from this dog who seemed to know what he was talkin’ about. But, uh, boss… there is one itty-bitty problem.”

    “I highly doubt that it is ‘itty-bitty’,” Uncle Deadly said. “What is it?”

    “Well… two problems, really,” Polly said. “Both still itty-bitty though! Ya see… well… for starters, the frog might know we were followin’ him.”

    “WHAT?” Deadly shouted, causing the crystal ball to shake. “How did you--wait… were following him? You lost them?”

    “Yeah… but now they don’t even know we’re followin’ ‘em! ‘Cause we’re not! See? We already got rid of one itty-bitty problem!” Polly said.

    As Uncle Deadly opened his huge blue mouth to let flow the rivers of his fiery anger, there came a knock upon his door.

    He turned towards the door then back to the crystal ball. “You’re lucky,” he hissed. “I have company. But if you do not find that frog and his friends… I will find you!”

    The dark wizard waved his hand and the crystal ball clicked off. He snapped his clawed fingers together and the blue flames lit themselves as he moved towards the door.

    “Who is it?” he asked, faking the fakest kindly old man voice he could come up with.

    “It’s Robin!” a cute little voice piped up through the door. “And friends!”

    “Ah! Robin! My dear, dear little friend! Come in, come in! The door is always open!” Uncle Deadly said. “From your side…” he muttered.

    The door opened and the twin pigs, the bear, the plunger-happy guard, the monster, and the little frog all bumbled inside the tiny tower room.

    “My, my!” Uncle Deadly said. “What… big friends you have, Robin!” he said with a sneering grin.

    Robin giggled. “They’re all castle guards, Uncle Deadly! This is Andy and Randy--the pigs, Bobo the Bear, Crazy Harry, and Sweetums--he’s the captain of the guard!” Robin bragged about his shaggy buddy.

    Uncle Deadly raised his eyelids in an intrigued fashion. “You don’t say!” he said. “Well, dear friends, I am Uncle Deadly, a humble old magician locked away up in this tower against my will.”

    “That’s okay, the rest of us are up here against our will too!” Bobo said, laughing. “I’m just kiddin’ ya there, blue, scaly, and creepy!” he slapped Uncle Deadly on the back with his paw. “We’ve really got nothing’ better to do!”

    Uncle Deadly pushed off Bobo’s paw and feigned a grin. “You’re too kind,” he said. “Well my friends, can I interest you in some tea?”

    “As long as there’s not an ‘NT’ attached to that ‘T’!” Bobo said, motioning to the fidgeting Crazy Harry, with another hearty laugh.

    Hexcellent,” Uncle Deadly said. “I’ll only be a minute.” He grinned wickedly and slipped off into the corner to prepare the tea.

    “I’ve got a bad feelin’ about this, little buddy,” Sweetums whispered to Robin.

    “What’s wrong?” Robin asked. “You don’t like tea?”

    “Not exactly,” Sweetums said.

    “Well that’s okay,” Robin said, “just don’t drink it. I’m not going to--Uncle Kermit doesn’t like me to have caffeine.”

    Sweetums nodded, pulling Robin close to his chest. “Good idea.”

    Meanwhile, in the corner, Uncle Deadly was confirming Sweetums’ suspicions as he waved his wand over the steaming cups of dark liquid in front of him. “This charm will sway even the most brilliant of minds to my evil cause,” he said. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed Andy and Randy Pig ramming into each other with their heads. “…Luckily it works on idiots too!” he said.

    The wizard whipped around, holding the tray of six teacups in his hands. “Here we are, friends,” he said, smiling. “Six piping hot cups of Uncle Deadly’s secret recipe tea from the old country.”
    Andy and Randy were the first to grab up the cups of tea and guzzle it down. “Ow!” Andy shouted. “It is hot!”

    “It burns my throat!” Randy shouted.

    Bobo grabbed up his cup and sloshed it down in one gulp. “Mmm… Could use some ice. And sugar.” He belched. “Still good though!” he laughed.

    Crazy Harry took his cup in between his shaking hands and sipped it down. “Needs more of a kick!” he declared.

    “That comes soon enough,” Uncle Deadly said with an evil grin. “Sweetums, Robin, care for some tea?” Uncle Deadly asked, pushing the tray towards the monster and the frog.

    “No thanks,” Robin said, shaking his head. “My Uncle Kermit doesn’t let me have caffeine--he says it stunts my growth! And as a frog we’re already short enough.”

    “And I’m not on the night shift tonight,” Sweetums said, “so I’d like to be able to sleep.” He lied.

    “Oh, come now,” Uncle Deadly said, “It’s… decaf!” he pushed the tray even closer.

    “No thanks,” Sweetums said, pushing the tray back with the hand Robin wasn’t in.

    “I insist!” Deadly hissed.

    Sweetums gulped. “Well, would ya look at the time… we’d better get going--got lots’a… Guard things to do!” he said. “Thanks for a… great time.” Sweetums grinned and headed towards the door.

    Uncle Deadly dropped the tray on the ground. The teacups shattered as the blue dragon zipped past Sweetums and blocked the door. “You aren’t going anywhere,” he said with an evil grin. “Minions!” Deadly shouted. “Don’t let them escape!”

    “Yes, Master…”

    Sweetums turned around and watched his once-loyal guards as they marched towards him and Robin.

    Robin clenched onto Sweetums loose piece of clothing with his little green hand. “Sweetums… I’m scared!” he said.

    Sweetums’ face turned from one of fear to one of unbridled bravery. His lip clenched and his eyelid lowered in anger. “Hang on, little buddy,” he told Robin, squeezing him against his chest.

    “OUTTA MY WAY!”

    Sweetums barreled towards Uncle Deadly with his massive feet. He reached forward with his free hand and tossed the wizard out of the way. He pulled open the door and blew through the opening, and slammed the door closed behind him.

    The monster didn’t look back until he was out of the tower and he had a large rock he found posted in front of the door.
  16. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    GO SWEETUMS GO! AHHHHH!

    <ahem> <Hugs Robin protectively>

    That... was an awesome chapter. Uncle Deadly gave me shivers repeatedly, and also made me realize that hugging Sweetums protectively is a bit like shielding a tank from bullets.

    I LOVED the first scene, too! Of course. Gonzo is awesome. AWESOME! And Link's big words that he practiced for hours... Also, the contact, and the glasses! And the entire discussion of the location of Wherever. And I LOVE those two horses! And--and--yeah! I love that Link is afraid of dogs. Reminds me a bit of my grandmother, who has recently been compared to a goldfish... but I digress.

    The suspense in the second half of the second scene worked very well, too. Have I mentioned that? Excellent mounting of tension. Delicious. I love good writing.

    MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  17. RedPiggy

    RedPiggy Well-Known Member

    Aye, 'at alliteration 'as all applauding!

    Also dug the discussion of the location of Wherever.
  18. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Awesome, Prawneh! I lawled many a time. :halo: :halo:

    2 questionsh: O_O Posht more soon?

    ...and there's this...sorta fic...in my sig...you might want...to check out...and... hrrmmuhhhdurpcomment!flubbleeblohbluhbrrrmmfhuh...maybe? =3
  19. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Wow...

    Um...Stunning.

    You've not just broken the forth wall, you've jumped on it and danced about too! (And I've only just started reading...)
  20. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    I may be posting twice...

    Well, I may be posting three times, we'll have to wait and see :p

    But I am now all caught up and I think this story and this fanfic is completely stunning. The jokes just get snappier, the characters fit so perfectly, and I can picture it all SO well. (Thanks perhaps to Amy's drawings for the Robin Hood comic book covers...) I'm SO utterly impressed!


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